YoBeat: Making Fun of Snowboarding Since 1997

Well, it’s getting to be that time of year. Everybody’s thoroughly psyched or absolutely mortified by the snow, everybody’s thinking about what they’ll give and receive for Christmas (or Channukah, or Kwanzaa), and that one radio station has been playing only Christmas songs since Halloween and it makes you want to strangle a DJ! Fucking 97.1!

Oh, geez, sorry … I got a little carried away there. What I was trying to say is it’s the time of year everybody looks forward to giving and receiving presents from friends and loved ones. Since I feel so loved here at YoBeat, I’ve put a list together of things you guys can get me for Christmas.

• A sweet pair of Grenade gloves. Who doesn’t want some crazily colored glove that’s not only warm and tough and all of that, but it’s also ri-goddamn-diculous-looking? Too bad I poked fun at Danny Kass, now I know for sure they won’t just happen to lose a pair in my direction.

• One of those hoodies that zips all the way over your face. Anonymity is the entire point of the internet, right? I need streetwear that will help me maintain my secret identity as Ian Graham, mild-mannered reporter … wait, what? My name and a picture of me are right at the bottom—well shit.
I’m kind of glad, actually. Those things look goofy anyway.

• Tylenol with Codeine. Man, I took one of these to knock me out before bed tonight … I can see why they’re habit-forming! I mean, it’s nothing compared to serious painkillers (or even a six-pack, to be honest), but it’s nice. Let’s keep the meds rolling this holiday season, please.

• A really, really, really warm coat. Seriously. As you read this, I’m in Montana to, of all things, skateboard. I mean, it’s like Lewis Black said, it’s not weather, it’s an emergency condition. Please, send it before I get frostbite.

• A snowboard named after or made of a food item. But none of this banana-park-Twinkie-pickle-dick or whatever it’s called. If I’m going to be on a mountain, I want some mountainy food under my feet. Something like a crappy hamburger, a cup of coffee or cocoa, or maybe some poutine. Gravy slides anyone?

If it’s actually made of that food item, it could be a lifesaver. If I fall into a crevasse or ravine (ha! That would require a certain amount of skill that I don’t have), I could live off of my Basket o’ Poutine board until search and rescue finds me! I think there’s some money to be made here…

• Money. I decided recently I’d like to be independently wealthy, so that I can do whatever the hell I want, like write a crappy column “about snowboarding,” or open a shop, but also not seriously stress about paying rent every month. They pay me shit here – literally, I turn in a column and Geery gives me shit – so help a brotha’ out.

• Your birthday wishes. I turn 24 this weekend, so if you’re in Missoula and a tall, lanky drunk dude ruins your night … you’re welcome.

Now in all seriousness, it’s late as hell, I have a flight to catch tomorrow, and this Tylenol is starting to knock me out good and proper. So have an amazing non-denominational holiday and hopefully I’ll be funnier and more likable in time for New Years.