Snowboard Resume Improvements

By • Jan 15th, 2009 • Category: Features, Random

More than goofy flexes and more than step-ins, the single greatest development in snowboarding has been the Internet. I will take this claim with me to the grave. The Internet lets me enjoy products I can’t afford, hills I can’t ride, tricks I can’t do and high-fives I cannot throw. In addition to taking the snow and boarding out of snowboarding, the Internet has a wealth of snowboard self-help resources. These “life-hacks” provide advice on how to improve almost any aspect of yourself: from listening skills to making smart investments. I recently came across an article of “10 Improvements You Can Make to Your Resume Right Now,” and instead of using it to actually get a job, I decided to adapt it for a snowboarder’s resume.

For original article, visit: http://www.lifehack.org/articles/money/10-improvements-you-can-make-to-your-resume-right-now.html

1. Ditch the funky fonts. Ditch the funky pants.

It is the reason skateboarders hate us. Not because we steal their tricks or lingo, it’s the ridiculous pants that snowboarders are compelled to suit-up in. Would you wear neon, plaid, all-over print, or pants with needless zippers in public? No you would not. That is, unless you are a Juggalo or playing the bagpipes. Snowboarders, do yourself a favor and leave the clown pants at home.

2. Put your skills up front. Put your tricks up front.

Getting chicks through snowboarding is hard. That is why it is so important to have your bag of tricks front and center for the ladies to admire. But with all the snowboarders wearing the same dumb pants, the ladies are easily confused as to who did what trick. That is why you must claim your tricks constantly. At the breakfast table, at work…everywhere. At the top of your list of references should be Mr. Switch Backside Swirly-Bird.

3. Proofread past spell check. Never proofread and never use spell check.

Proofreading is for losers. You should start a snowboard blog composed of regurgitated press releases and mindless articles laden with spelling and grammar errors.

4. Make everything match. Match the cool kids.

If you want to get noticed, you need to look the same as all the cool snowboarders. If the cool snowboarders are wearing table cloths as scarves, so should you. You won’t get noticed as a cool snowboarder if you look different from everyone else. Blend in to be seen.

5. Minimize your job descriptions. Minimize the type of snowboarding you do.

Think about it: how many cool well-rounded snowboarders do you know? None. It needs to be all super pipe or all double-kink metal pipes. Slim pants and nosepresses or energy drinks and meat-hucking. The “well-rounded” snowboarder is a fantasy.

6. Put dates at the end. Ummm…

7. Don’t leave big gaps in your timeline. Never wear anything that is over one-year old.

If anything, you should be wearing stuff from the future. To do this, you can either shop in Japan or go to a thrift store and find stuff from the 1970s, because the past is the new future. I know, this stuff is confusing.

8. Keep religious information out of it. Yes, keep religious information out of snowboarding.

Remember that awesome snowboarder whose video parts were set to Christian rock and used contest podiums as a pulpit to preach the good word? No you don’t. Does this mean that you can’t be religious and a snowboarder? No, but it means that you can’t be cool with the kids if you are hell-bent on getting everyone you know to read A Purpose Driven Life.

9. Align everything.

Don’t be a goon. Line up your nosepress over the rail or don’t do it at all.

10. Adhere to your industry’s conventions.

Technine kids can’t spin over 360. Gypsy kids can’t eat. Make sure that you are up on all the “en vogue” tricks. Drink habitually. Powder days trump weddings, birthdays, deaths etc. Maintain that “the Industry” is wack and all that you want to do is ride. If you are “somebody” in snowboarding, you must have a blog. Contests are lame, unless you compete drunk. Corporate sponsors are lame, except for the ones that give you a paycheck.

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8 thoughts on “Snowboard Resume Improvements

  1. Annika Hara

    DAVID IS SLIDING INTO THE RANKS OF UNSUSTAINABLE SLAVE LABOR-AND IT WON’T PAY THE BILLS OR YOUR HEALTH WILL GET YOU EJECTED, EVENTUALLY. THE WHOLE SYSTEM NEEDS A SPANKING REVOLUTION AND REORGANIZATION-IT AIN’T WORKING FOR ANYONE;AND NO ONE IS WORKING!

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