YoBeat: Making Fun of Snowboarding Since 1997

“I really wish the Peach Pit was real.”

-After the third or so commercial for some mattress company and it’s upcoming Presidents’ Day sale, I turn to Erika and remark, “It’s weird that Presidents and mattresses go hand in hand.”

-Olivia and I decide to go to the beach last night just to go I guess. While frolicking through the sand and rocks, Olivia announces that her first word was actually beach. I pause for a minute, “I think my first word was Dad or Dada or Daddy or something.” I then add, “It would be cooler if I just started calling him Bob.”

-So we go over to Malibu last night to make Olivia’s beach dreams come true. Upon walking down we encounter a sign that simply reads “Welcome to The Beach.” Underneath is has an Arrowhead water logo. I point at the sign and announce, “Look, the beach is sponsored by water!”

-I am trying to watch Damages the other night. Neither Erika nor Olivia have seen it and are not getting into it like one/I would hope. Ten minutes in Olivia announces, “I really don’t enjoy shows with this many unattractive people.”

-We find ourselves watching that new 90210 show that I absolutely detest and have deemed the worst show to ever be on television. In between bouts of complaining, I do manage to sincerely announce, “I really wish the Peach Pit was real.”

-Olivia excitedly remarks that the new strangely aloof blonde on 90210 is “pretty curvy.” I remind Olivia that the girl had been in some sort of car accident. Olivia nods, continues eating, and announces, “Oh, that’s what I should tell people!”

-I return from the 99 cent store with a bag full of discontinued candy to enjoy. Upon spreading out my treasures, I display two Nerd Ropes. I remark that one appears to be Christmas themed and the other Valentine’s themed. I begin to eat what I perceive to be the Valentine’s Nerd Rope. It starts to break off in hard little pieces. Disappointed I look down at the package. Besides it’s red and white color scheme, it doesn’t seem to be Valentine’s Day related at all actually. I stop aggressively chewing and announce, “This tastes more like Fourth of July.”

-I introduce Olivia to Melissa, my other friend. It seems to go alright. I ask Olivia in the car afterwards what she thought of Melissa. Olivia, shrugs, “I thought she would be meaner.” I begin to explain that people probably think I am going to be meaner when they first meet me too. I then pause and correct myself, “That’s not really true. I guess they just think I am going to be more annoying.”

-I have been staying with Erika for the past few weeks. Olivia has yet to meet Erika. I somehow manage to start explaining to Olivia how Erika and I watch TV together and both say funny things and how hilarious it all is. I then simply add, “Erika is really fun to watch TV with.”

-After finally finding a cute lil house in Hollywood and putting money down on it, I find my bank account in the negative. I begin to post frantic Twitter messages and Facebook pleas for someone to hire me to do something. (If you want to hire me holler at sarah@missbehavemag.com) Greg, a friend of mine from Boston offers to help. I get excited until he details, “You just have to hang out with me and laugh at everything I say, so people think I am funny and cool.” I pause for a second then reply, “Like almost anything for money. Not anything, anything.”