YoBeat: Making Fun of Snowboarding Since 1997

We at the N00b have been at this snowboard-column-writing business for about a minute now, and there’s something that’s really starting to bother us.

Way, way back in the day (August), we wrote an article suggesting some new slang terms for snowboarders to use. Enough of riding the coattails of surfers and skateboarders, already! We offered a few examples that, in our humble opinion, kicked ASS. The problem is this: nobody’s taken our suggestions.  We put blood, sweat, and motherfucking beer into that article, because we thought it would help snowboarders stand out from the XTreme crowd.  We’re hurt, oh loyal readers, we were cut deep.

But you know, maybe the suggestions just weren’t good enough.  We still think “crossbow” is the best synonym for “awesome” since we first heard someone describe a trick as “tits as fuck,” but maybe we judged snowboarders wrong. Give us another chance, and we’ll win you over, we’re sure.  Here’s a new list of slang terms to rip off and use for snowboarding, straight from mountain biking and BMX:

Acro-Brat: In biking, this kid is someone who uses their bike like a pogo stick, and according to this guy “should be confined to the Circus and other freak show reviews.” In snowboarding, the acro-brat is the little grom that’s better than most on the mountain, at least technically. Although he can cork a switch 720 every time, he has no style at all … or robot style, at best, exactly like a million other groms doing the same thing.

Chinese Toe Cuffs: Also known as toe clips. In snowboarding, it could be a god-awful Clicker binding, or a real easy snow bunny with a foot fetish.

Fred: A synonym for poser or barney in some cases, but also used to describe the random guy with old, beat-ass gear and out-of-date clothes who can outshred the “serious” guys with shiny new gear. In snowboarding, the guy probably won’t be switch lipsliding any rails, but you can bet your ass he’ll take any downhill, probably in Army surplus pants, a 20-year-old Adidas hoody and with a blindfold.

Gutter Bunny: In biking, it’s a bike commuter, only riding to and from work on the edge of the road. In snowboarding, well … a gutter bunny might earn a nickname like “Chinese Toe Cuffs.”

Monkey-Motion: Some bike mag writer coined this term for full-suspension bikes.  In snowboarding, it’s the act of making every grab a stink-bug — that is, every grab is achieved by squatting low, reaching straight down between the knees, and waving the other arm in the air.  The rider thinks “indy!” while you think “angry King Kong on the Empire State.”

‘Rhoid Buffing: In biking, it’s when you’re going down a hill so steep that your ass is getting polished by your back tire. In snowboarding, it’s when you puss out on a slope steeper than you expected and sideboard your way down the hill, taking as much time to sit and pray as you can before committing to scooting another few inches.

Sharkbite: GodDAMN sharks are badass.  In biking, it’s the gash your chainring makes on exposed flesh when you fall.  In snowboarding, we have no idea.  We just wanted to say how effing crossbow sharks are.

Snowmine: An obstacle, such as a rock or bear, concealed under the snow. In snowboarding, it’s the same thing — one of those unexplainable phenomena that make you eat shit when you’re just cruising down the slope.

Whoop-de-doos: In biking, a series of up-and-down bumps good for jumping. In snowboarding, it’s a trick that’s not nearly as cool as the guy performing it thinks, regardless of difficulty. “Yo, did you see that?” “What, Bill doing another switch whoop-de-doo? Whatever.”

So please, take this idea and run! No longer does snowboarding have to sound like skateboarding’s stepchild! Mix and match, take a few old ideas and make something new, like all those bands that are out now did when they ripped off New Order.

And, like we at the n00b have always said, don’t get all Huffy — we’re only serious.