Chain of Command
By Nick Lipton • Apr 13th, 2009 • Category: Features, RandomAfter a brief talk with photographer Robbie Sell about why skiers want to be snowboarders, and so on, I decided that it is imperative we, snowboarders, learn our place in this “extreme” chain of command. Why is this important? Obviously because it is funny, and using stereotypes is fun.
Robbie described the chain of command like this:
Robbie’s Diagram. Skiers represent the dumpster. diagram: Nick Lipton
Mr. Sell only got the ball rolling. How far can we belittle others to create a larger, more complete chain of command in extremity? As far as we want to of course. But first we must explain Robbie’s example. Skiers have begun imitating snowboarders with their twin tipped skis, “stylish” attire, and park riding. Snowboarders have always wanted to be skateboarders. Skateboarders wish they could be Rockers, and with dumb-asses like Bono running around, it is obvious many Rockers would like to be God. But who wants to be a skier? Who is below this and that? Who is king? Only true research and a sharp sense of how to stereotype others can provide us with answers.
To really expose this chain we must start at the bottom and work our way up. Obviously we cannot consider snowskaters, kite boarders, skibladers, or any of those other silly make-believe sports into our equation. Including such activities could lead us into the troubled waters of soap shoes, heelies, and other gimmicks that should have never been invented. Along that same line of thought we are going to ignore BMX and MOTO-X simply because they have nothing to do with anything. So we begin with wakeskaters and rollerbladers, the lowliest of credible “extreme” individuals. The diagram below is my interpretation of how things could grow from there:
My idea of who is boss. diagram: Nick Lipton
To explain this exquisite diagram we will again start at the bottom. Rollerbladers and Wakeskaters are just silly people doing silly things, but some are making a living off of these activities so congratulations to them. Wakeskaters don’t want to move up the food chain, they are confused and believe what they are doing is actually cool. Rollerbladers on the other hand, easily lead into skiing. Two feet doing two different things and you aren’t a total laughing stock, yahoo!
I feel skiing and wakeboarding are on the same level. Both are considered “legit” by the X Games, but they are both less cool than snowboarding. So while skiers and wakeboarders won’t admit they have secret hard-ons for snowboarders, their copycat antics lead me to believe differently.
Snowboarding is of course less cool than skateboarding, no argument there. We deal with forgiving snow, an attached board, and a rather mellow learning curve. Skateboarders on the other hand deal with concrete, bails that can tear your leg off, and a steep learning curve. For example, how long did it take you to learn that 360? That nosepress? Now how long did it take you to learn kickflips? Can you kickflip? Exactly.
Moving on we must recognize that surfers exist. I can’t really swim, and being eaten by sharks sounds like bullshit to me, so fuck surfing. On the other hand those guys are doing their thing, it’s hard and it’s the original in board sports. Surfers deserve their top spot, even if it is shared.
Skateboarding leads into something, and that something is Rock Stardom. Every other skater these days is either a shitty rapper or a wannabe rocker. If they aren’t, they sure dress like it. So the envy towards Rock Stars is rather obvious.
Rock Stars have it made. They’re rich, they buy stuff like the Batmobile, and they do whatever they want. What more could they possibly want? Thanks to Bono, Ozzy Osbourne, and a number of other Rockstars it is obvious they want a God, or Satan-like status in society. Being God, Satan, or whatever mythical beast is obviously the Trump card of all. Good for those guys.
What does this all mean? It means we have people to feel better than. So the next time you’re feeling blue because a 7-year-old backside-flipped a ten-stair or some band made a great song, just remember, you can always look down on skiers, rollerbladers, wakeskaters, and a large variety of other individuals.
Nick Lipton Every word in this post-even those based on real people-are entirely fictional.
The quotes might be bullshit too.Email this author | All posts by Nick Lipton
” Wakeskaters don’t want to move up the food chain, they are confused and believe what they are doing is actually cool.”- haha
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great article haha
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Don’t forget your boarding history book. Without surfing we still may not have skating or snowboarding. Have respect for the ocean’s wave riders, they started this whole thing many years before and inspired the mess that currently exists.
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I feel like he gave em their due. With the whole they are the originators part. But yeah, he should learn to swim.
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No mixed martial arts? Everyone keeps telling me that this is both the newest and “phreshest” action sport out there. Blood, tattoos, posturing, stupid nicknames…they might be on to something…
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“Every other skater these days is either a shitty rapper or a wannabe rocker. If they aren’t, they sure dress like it.” YES. Well played.
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you forgot razor scooters! There are kids at the skatepark doing backflips on them so I’m pretty sure they must be sponsored for it.
I would put them slightly above wakeskaters in your hierarchy.
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Gold!
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i dissagree with this article!!!!!!!!
i wakeskate and snowboard and i would have to say that they are on the same “level”
wakeskaters and snowboarders both “want to be” skateboarders and have very similar feels to surfing
maybe if you actually knew what you were talking about you could write a good article.
i realize this article was supposed to be funny, and it was…. but i think that i should stand up for wakeskating
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fuckin A! nice work Lipton. this is an example of the purest use of a blog: to piss people off.
…pretty much saying (graphically) what we all know anyways. unless your name is Kyle Kearns. but Kearns is a wakeskater and doesn’t count. HA HA LOL!!
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I definately think that your missing razor scooters and mountain boarding (there is a disney movie for moutain boarding, come on)
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hahha pretty funny for someone who can’t actually do any of the boardsports/bike riding/rocking/Godliness mentioned!
“Obviously we cannot consider snowskaters, kite boarders, skibladers, or any of those other silly make-believe sports into our equation. Including such activities could lead us into the troubled waters of soap shoes, heelies, and other gimmicks that should have never been invented.” HAHAHHAHAHHAHAA
I can’t really talk for surfing or BMX or froot booting but I gotta say wakeskating is pretty fun even if it is below skiing
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Kyle Kearns is an idiot and just made wakeskating look even more rediculous with his dumb post. start riding for yourself and not for sponsors and fame dude. you are taking things too serious. you think the other sports care about where they are??? seems wakeskaters are the only ones who care about where they rank in the board sport world here hahaha.
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Where does under water painting fall into this hierarchy?
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doesn’t Wakeskating require a boat? And a big truck?
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BLOGGIN UBER ALLES
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Surfing is above skateboarding no questions asked, skateboarding is rad and everything but you gotta pay your respects.
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i love how people waste their time hating nick. hahahah. you’re right this was a good idea.
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kyle, seriously? get your head outta your ass, wakeskating sucks and you cry about it when you try to sleep. even brooke knows it
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wakeboarding is a joke. when did it start anyways like 2004?
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BUH
LOG
GIN
STR9 2 GODD STATUS WIFF NOTHING MORE THAN AN e-NETS CABLE…BYPASS ALL THIS EXTREME MASTURBATION AND GET TO THE HEART OF THE MATTER
TRUSSIT
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http://espn.go.com/action/freeskiing/blog?post=4069034
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Thanks cool kid. I like your Disney IP address! Way to do some SEO!
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whatever, i dont really care what you guys think wakeskating & snowboarding > other sports
pwnd
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Jesus. Does nick wakeboard? Little too friendly there. Otherwise, spot on.
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wow, this is great! well done, and pretty much spot on.
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I was going to comment on that ESPN article, but the process of signing up for an account just to harass someone is far too much work.
The just of it was going to be that maybe the “>” in Robbie’s diagram are exactly what they look like, the heads of arrows indicating a sequential order within the drawing. Leave it to a skier to confuse that fact.
And, is it just me, or does the writer’s (over)use of italics, commas and parentheses confuse the hell out of anyone else.
Keep it up YoBeat,
Sincere Regards,
FrontLipped
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The only thing legitimate in that article is the fact that snowboarders want to be skaters. Tight pants and heshin rocknrolla came back in skating awhile ago. Then Holden and laced-up snow breeches came around and everyone one-planking snowslider jumped on the skater led fashion bandwagon. Skiers are dressing like thugged out wanksters still, make fun of that one skier in the park with the nut huggers pinching their ankles and show no signs of jumping on that bandwagon. But whatever, two over-the-hill snowboarders sitting around trying to figure out their place in the world is the lamest trend of ‘em all.
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have you ever seen a skier wear tight pants? its the goofiest thing i’ve ever seen haha
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skateboarders dont talk about each others pants. lets be more like skateboarders
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i hate to say it, but even if this article is a mockery of how we stereotype each other (which is stupid), mockery itself is even stupider. I think this is lame. it only encourages stereotyping by making it funny. dumb ass kids and dumbass adults are going to read this and think, “yeah its cool to stereotype and make fun of other people.” i mean, didn’t chris cole used to get made fun of? i heard jamie thomas say that once i think…maybe not. i dont know. but either way, we’re all trying to either “have fun” or “kill it” or “charge” or “progress” or just fucking find a “flow” depending on how you look at shit. so just let it go. let it all go man and quit talking shit. if you suck then say, “man, i suck.” and hike your lame ass back up the hill or go home. dont say, “i suck, but he sucks more.” thats weak. your shits weak. for instance, when i found out that i sucked i said, “i suck. im going to school.”
yeah its kind of funny to mock shit. but when you mock shit youre acting stupidly. and sadly enough, stupid = funny.
a tattoo artist once said to me, “say what you mean” when i started to mock some shit on the radio.
dont just walk around mocking shit.
people will laugh.
but only because its stupid. i mean, how fucking hard is it to mock something? “hey look, im peter griffin, i can make fun of anything but never produce anything substantial.”
grow the fuck up.
set an example of how things should be and how people should act. don’t catapult our already lame existence further into the realm of reality tv.
or i guess i could say, “studying the economics of labor and accounting definitely does suck at times. but at least im not wasting my time writing blogs when i should be drawing cartoons. but i cant draw. so i have to write this shit”
LAME.
im gonna go read vice.
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Advertisements told me skateboarding is cool. Same with snowboarding. Taco Bell and Mountain Dew taught me that long ago.
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I loved this!
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Hey Kelson. You are on a site who’s tag line is “making fun of snowboarding.”
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http://espn.go.com/action/freeskiing/blog?post=4069034
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Did Kelson just try to get hired at yobeat? Nice article dude. Go read the Christian Science Monitor or something. Nice Vice comment though, I hear those guys are really kind and never sarcastic.
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I just wiped my ass with a vice mag it was the only paper in the can.. It’s tough out there these days……
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Hahahahhaa, look at the first diagram carefully. If you can see that the lines indicating the direction of the arrows are carefully penciled in AFTER the fact then you might have a chance of survival in this harsh, unforgiving world. I remember when I was in 7th grade and learned what direction means what when placing a . I laughed so hard i fell off my dinosore. making bitches LOL since 1997
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Very Interesting Read! Looking forward to more on this subject Bookmarked your blog. Was just curious if anybody could point me to some related subject matter. Thanks in advance.
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[...] 1. A wise man once said “if I wanted to see someone spinning around holding onto poles: I’d go to a strip club.” No matter how much of your awkward looking body position that tall-t is covering, bouncing around on skis in the park is always going to look a lot more like rollerblading than skateboarding. Remember, we’ve already established everyone wants to be a skateboarder. [...]
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Notice the ad for the “Bangee Bungee” on the right. Looks like snowboarders and skateboarders are trying to be like wakeboarders.
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Kelson sucks. Your life is a “stupid” existence. “Stupid = Funny” therefore Nick should probably write an article aimed at hippie ass free love douche bags like yourself. Oh and it should be satyrical and mocking. If we didn’t make fun out of shit, then we would have to deal with retarded shit, like your comment, with utmost seriousness. Wouldn’t that suck. Because then you wouldn’t be just a hilarious blog post that people could laugh at and make fun of, you’d be a bonified douche bag.
Thank god for mockery and satire, because without it you’d be a hippie ass free loving douche bag, fuck head. Instead your just the but of a joke.
Peace, ah that felt good.
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I have 33 new boards sport that work with or without a kite but after 5 years I’m still the one riding them,, where is everyone
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