Chain of Command

By • Apr 13th, 2009 • Category: Features, Random

After a brief talk with photographer Robbie Sell about why skiers want to be snowboarders, and so on, I decided that it is imperative we, snowboarders, learn our place in this “extreme” chain of command. Why is this important? Obviously because it is funny, and using stereotypes is fun.

Robbie described the chain of command like this:

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Robbie’s Diagram. Skiers represent the dumpster.                                                    diagram: Nick Lipton

Mr. Sell only got the ball rolling. How far can we belittle others to create a larger, more complete chain of command in extremity? As far as we want to of course. But first we must explain Robbie’s example. Skiers have begun imitating snowboarders with their twin tipped skis, “stylish” attire, and park riding. Snowboarders have always wanted to be skateboarders. Skateboarders wish they could be Rockers, and with dumb-asses like Bono running around, it is obvious many Rockers would like to be God. But who wants to be a skier? Who is below this and that? Who is king? Only true research and a sharp sense of how to stereotype others can provide us with answers.

To really expose this chain we must start at the bottom and work our way up. Obviously we cannot consider snowskaters, kite boarders, skibladers, or any of those other silly make-believe sports into our equation. Including such activities could lead us into the troubled waters of soap shoes, heelies, and other gimmicks that should have never been invented. Along that same line of thought we are going to ignore BMX and MOTO-X simply because they have nothing to do with anything. So we begin with wakeskaters and rollerbladers, the lowliest of credible “extreme” individuals. The diagram below is my interpretation of how things could grow from there:

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My idea of who is boss.                                                                                                           diagram: Nick Lipton

To explain this exquisite diagram we will again start at the bottom. Rollerbladers and Wakeskaters are just silly people doing silly things, but some are making a living off of these activities so congratulations to them. Wakeskaters don’t want to move up the food chain, they are confused and believe what they are doing is actually cool. Rollerbladers on the other hand, easily lead into skiing. Two feet doing two different things and you aren’t a total laughing stock, yahoo!

I feel skiing and wakeboarding are on the same level. Both are considered “legit” by the X Games, but they are both less cool than snowboarding. So while skiers and wakeboarders won’t admit they have secret hard-ons for snowboarders, their copycat antics lead me to believe differently.

Snowboarding is of course less cool than skateboarding, no argument there. We deal with forgiving snow, an attached board, and a rather mellow learning curve. Skateboarders on the other hand deal with concrete, bails that can tear your leg off, and a steep learning curve. For example, how long did it take you to learn that 360? That nosepress? Now how long did it take you to learn kickflips? Can you kickflip? Exactly.

Moving on we must recognize that surfers exist. I can’t really swim, and being eaten by sharks sounds like bullshit to me, so fuck surfing. On the other hand those guys are doing their thing, it’s hard and it’s the original in board sports. Surfers deserve their top spot, even if it is shared.

Skateboarding leads into something, and that something is Rock Stardom. Every other skater these days is either a shitty rapper or a wannabe rocker. If they aren’t, they sure dress like it. So the envy towards Rock Stars is rather obvious.

Rock Stars have it made. They’re rich, they buy stuff like the Batmobile, and they do whatever they want. What more could they possibly want? Thanks to Bono, Ozzy Osbourne, and a number of other Rockstars it is obvious they want a God, or Satan-like status in society. Being God, Satan, or whatever mythical beast is obviously the Trump card of all. Good for those guys.

What does this all mean? It means we have people to feel better than. So the next time you’re feeling blue because a 7-year-old backside-flipped a ten-stair or some band made a great song, just remember, you can always look down on skiers, rollerbladers, wakeskaters, and a large variety of other individuals.


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Every word in this post-even those based on real people-are entirely fictional. The quotes might be bullshit too.
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54 thoughts on “Chain of Command

  1. Pingback: YoBeat: Making Fun of Snowboarding Since 1997 » Pando Represent.

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