High Fives with Todd Richards- Swine Flu!By Nick Lipton • May 1st, 2009 • Category: Features
Thank god for Swine flu. With all of the viruses, diseases, and terrorists out there, the standard fears were getting boring. Luckily, Swine fluis giving the world something new to lose sleep over. Todd, in his sage old age, couldn’t care less.
1) Are you afraid of the possible Swine Flu pandemic?
Todd: I am more afraid of SARS, did we contain that yet? Oh wait no, bird flu, did we get that one? No wait, AIDS, did we get that one yet? No wait, the economy, did we get that one yet? Wait the Taliban, did we get that one yet? Pretty sure that the Swine flu is about as panic worthy as Chinese baby food. Now Somali pirates with Swine flu, that is something to be scared of.
2) Why are Mexicans the only people dying from this pig virus?
Todd: Pretty sure itâ€™s because Mexico City is pretty much a shit hole. I have been there and I think itâ€™s safe to say that the U.S. of A and Mexico have different views on what is hygienic. For instance, shitting in the street, then washing your clothes in the shit runoffÂ or watering your plants.
3) I’m headed to NYC in a few hours, the US hotspot for Swine Flu, what is my best bet for survival?
Todd: a. Donâ€™t have unprotected sex with ms piggy, or really any other muppet for that matter. I hear that she is a total slut.
b. Donâ€™t say anything in Spanish.
c. Whatever you do, donâ€™t go outside.
d. Report all people breathing in a strange manner to the W.H.O.
4) Would you rather pick up Pig flu or Bird flu?
Todd: Oh shit, good one, what if that shit mutates and we get pig-pecker virus? That shit would really be something to worry about. I think bird flu, I want to fly. Either way, will I get Vicoden? Wait donâ€™t put that, makes me sound like a druggie.
5) If the world was to become infested by Swine, Bird, and whatever flu, Aids, the economy, natural disasters, and war, would you be happy or sad?
Todd: Sad, because we made all of it with our vaccines, greed and taking the lords name in vein. Goddammit.
BONUS QUESTION: If you survived all that how Mad Max would you be?
Todd: I would move to Germany, no wait, I would move to like Laguna Beach, no wait, I would move to a bigger house on my street. Maybe one with a bigger backyard. I would just go around and get all the sweet German cars and like park them in the street out front. Then I would probably wear way less clothes, like probably none, just raw dog it, everyday. Let the old pubes grow out. Like I would become tom hanks in that movie where he was shipwrecked, but I would still live at home. Maybe brush the teeth on special occasions, and forage for food at Whole Foods.
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