YoBeat: Making Fun of Snowboarding Since 1997

You know you want Revenge of the Boarding School Dropouts now!

Now, we’re going to start today’s class with an incredible example of marketing and salesmanship. Let’s preface this with a few notes for those who live in caves:

1) The world’s economy is in the shitter.

2) People are buying less stuff.

3) Luxury items such as jewelry, designer handbags, premium gasoline, snowboards and cars are the first things people have been cutting from their “budgets.”

4) As a result, luxury companies have to come up with new ways to update and sell their product.

Our example today is the perfect match for today’s snowboard industry, because he brings charisma, attitude and flair to the small screen when he’s selling the ShamWow! and the Slap Chop. That’s right, today we’re talking about Vince Offer, the pitchman who got the n00b to order even more ridiculous kitchen ute—  …umm, the pitchman whose products have caught the eye of TV viewers worldwide.

Sure, he’s a great salesman, but what does he bring to the snowboard industry that thousands of independent sales representatives and millions of dollars worth of product placement and advertising doesn’t already accomplish?

Easy. Vince can take a product that already exists, repackage it and sell it by the truckload. Let’s start with a look at ShamWow!

Around 2005, Billy Mays (the OxyClean guy) was selling a product called Zorbeez. It was an orange towel that, according to the infomercial, was more than 27 times more absorbent than cotton towels. It didn’t smell, it could pull soda out of a carpet (the carpet’s completely dry!) and it could be used on virtually anything.

Sound familiar? Vince repackaged a nearly identical towel and put together a scarily identical advertisement. The result?  He claims he’s sold millions of towels. Vince and his ShamWow! have become pop culture icons. And according to Popular Mechanics, he has the superior product.

But wait, there’s more!

There was a product called the Super Chop that came out a few years back.  With it, one could easily chop fruits, nuts and vegetables using a plunger-operated blade.  It even rotated as you plunged, so the more you chopped, the finer your mincing got.

Again, Vince took this idea, made a little switcheroo (he added a feature that makes for easy cleaning) and started slinging the Slap Chop. Now, the idea of updating an existing product isn’t new. But what’s sold the Slap Chop is Vince’s salesmanship.

Snowboarding needs its own Vince, and quick. (No, Nike making snowboard boots and skate shoes that look exactly like the same Dunks, Air Force Ones and Blazers they’ve been making for decades doesn’t count.)

Put Vince in some Airwalks and in a few weeks he’ll have kids rocking the big “A” like it’s 1994 and Jason Lee’s still pro. The dude will probably even bring back jester hats, all the while telling people they’re going to love his nuts. (We here at the n00b think that was just a slip they kept during post-production, not actually a marketing ploy. He’s just very proud of his sack.)

This guy can sell anything!

All it would take is a free ShamWow! or Slap Chop and he’ll have all the kids on the slope riding these monsters. And if they didn’t, he might slap or chop them in the face.  Got pesky blood on your carpet?  Try ShamWow! It can hold up to ten times its weight in liquid.

With a bit of extra charm and an epic remix, Vince could even sell Clickers. All he’d have to do is add a bottle opener. “Stop having boring bindings, stop having a boring life,” he’d say as he cracked open a cool one on his board while he rode the lift.

Then later he’d make some epic après shred salsa. You just take your tomato, some cilantro, your onion and some hot peppers, and in minutes you have fresh salsa. Just like that.