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Mandatory Coverage: Campus Rail Jam Championship

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Portland rarely sees the sun or snow. This was a special day.

Meth, homelessness, and snowboarding clashed under a scorching sun Saturday when Portland, Oregon hosted the ’09 Cricket Rail Jam championship. Skiers, snowboarders, meth addicts, babes, and plenty of Portland’s oddballs showed up to scratch their heads, fight in product tosses, drink beer, and watch trucked in snow melt at an alarming rate.

The jam was straight forward. Large scaffolding, down rail, double kink, and a flat box. There were three groups of riders: dudes, chicks, and skiers. The “dudes” were really into 360 out, frontboards, and lipslides. The ladies were into falling, not committing, and being sleeveless. The skiers were ignored by Yobeat. The overall riding was mediocre, but these are college kids, and they put on a pretty good show considering most of them immediately drove or flew home to study for finals.

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Blake Geis didn’t win, or place, but he put on a better show than most.

The jam had a few unique qualities that kept everyone entertained. Meth addicts eating tape danced around the action area for the duration of the event. Bums hung out, eager to score all the empty RedBull cans and cigarette butts left over from dirty college boarder types. Lots of bro-dawgs and hoe types joined in the crowd as well. It was one diverse scene, and people watching was fun to say the least. Thankfully Todd Richards showed up as a guest celebrity announcer. Todd’s remarks obviously helped to put cocky riders in their place, and helped to make light of the slightly sketchy environment created by the lovely duct tape eaters.

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All the way to the end, perfect.

In the end everyone scored a great sunburn, bums were clothed, and snowboarding went down during an 88 degree day in Portland, Oregon.

Men that won:

1) Josh Bishop

2) Kyle Mortda

3) Seth Hill

The female winner:

1)Rhonda Shahien

Skiers division:

1. Johnny Tornado

2. Dan “Spread Eagle” Dickerson

3. G-Flav Wienstien

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Rhanda (middle) and the other ladies with talent.

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Saturday’s top male athletes.

Every word in this post-even those based on real people-are entirely fictional. The quotes might be bullshit too.
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Comments (3)

  1. aren’t people over snowboarding yet? go to the beach. it’s summer now.

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  2. tell us the real story nick! this is so watered down. boring!

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  3. haha the girls section of the video was awesome, yeah gabbi!

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