YoBeat: Making Fun of Snowboarding Since 1997

The continuous stream of of bankruptcies and snowboard companies for sale on Craigslist is approaching overwhelming volumes. The cries of stressing “industry dudes” emanating from Southern California is near deafening. Can the snowboard industry be rescued from its precarious position? Or will industry dudes be forced to buy second-hand surf boards and cut back on all the Wahoo’s lunches?

There is hope — and it works for free: the intern. Internships have played an instrumental role in the history of human civilization. The pyramids were built by interns that wore sandals. Political officials depend on interns for “special projects.” In short, without interns to perform the bullshit tasks nobody wants to do, the world would cease to turn.

The problem with the snowboard industry is that companies have strayed from relying on interns to fuel their business. Because interns can be annoying, snowboard companies have tried to use “interns” in China. But humans rights groups have insisted that these workers be compensated. And much revenue has been lost to hooking up bros up with jobs after they were laid off from Blockbuster. If the snowboard industry is to survive these trying times, it must return to the tried and true intern. As an experienced intern I can attest to the effectiveness of using interns, and their value to the snowboard industry.

• More often than not, interns are youthful and consume a lot of energy drinks. While this gives them the intelligence of a squirrel, their productivity levels are off the charts. Plus, they can keep you up to date with what the cool kids are wearing.
• Interns will perform anything asked of them. Anything. Simply give them stickers once in a while to keep them going.
• And for those projects that might include risk of death or illegal acts, simply hint that there is a chance they might meet a pro snowboarder and consider it done.
• For some reason, society (i.e. parents and teachers) consider internships a good thing.
• Occasionally, interns know how to work Excel and can perform simple algebraic functions, in which case they can manage company finances.
• Ever heard of the AFL-CIO or Worker Rights? Neither have interns.

So before you abandon ship and post your snowboard company up on Craigslist, consider posting a call for interns. Remember to include the false promise of “opportunities for career advancement” — it keeps the parents and teachers happy. Yes, there is hope for the snowboard industry, and it isn’t more rail jams.  Viva la intern.

Interns-to-be, stay tuned for “Why interning is for you!