YoBeat: Making Fun of Snowboarding Since 1997

School is out for summer and unless you are a parent or a senior citizen that means it is time to blow off some steam. Fire up the BBQ, rub on the SPF, and puke before sundown. This week Todd shares his newfound passion for windsurfing and a plethora of lovely details about life at Mt. Hood during the summer months.  Get ready for a history lesson. Todd has logged more than 32 years as a camper/coach at various summer camps, and has survived everything from the great Government Camp herpes outbreak to the truly unruly days of summer snowboarding. Enjoy.

1. School’s out for summer. What is Todd’s dream summer vacation?

Todd: Ahh… fackin’ summahs on the cape gettin’ wicked tan and poundin’ gannies. Hard to believe at one time my dream was to go to Hood for 2.5 months. Dear God, that sounds like fucking Guantanamo Bay. I think I’m just going to kick back and take windsurfing lessons.

2. Most kids would give their left nut for the opportunity to get to Mt. Hood during the summer. What ruined it for you? What are the top five reasons summer snowboarding makes you sick to your stomach?

Todd: Dude nothing ruined it for me, well except that I was dating a fucking ghoul that ran the camp for a summer or two. God she sucked. I can think of the top 5 reasons that as soon as I get to Hood I begin to think about running back to PDX.

1. It’s all sweaty in your balls, I really don’t like swamp crotch. I once tried to combat it with baby powder but I ended up making cement on my coin purse.

2. Those God damned bees that attack you non-stop on the glacier. Look bee, just because I am wearing a nice bright jacket doesn’t mean that you can pollinate me. I save that for when I go to San Francisco.

3. Shit never drying. I swear last year I went to Hood for 15 minutes, came back, put my shit away, then went and grabbed it for opening day in November and the fucking shit was still Hood wet.

4.That mound of butter at Huckleberries that will never shrink. That stuff is not right. It could be 900 degrees in there and that stuff is solid as a rock. It reminds me of that big tower that the dude made in Close Encounters of the Third Kind in his living room. Oh shit, I just alienated 95% of the audience.

5. Getting torn up by salty snow. I can’t tell you how many times I have just mellowly fallen over in a half pipe at Hood only to find that my back looks like it just got raped by a god damned Puma. Then, oh yeah, this was cool. One year I got staph from a halfpipe salt sodimization, that was not in the brochure I can assure you.

3. Best Scotty Wittlake moment during the summer months? Would you advise kids to follow in his footsteps for a cheap way to ride all summer?

Todd: Oh man, Scotty. My best memory of him is when he used to like climb up Hood and hide in the rocks and lurk ‘til all the camps left, then ride by himself. This was way back when he drove a red Subaru and had teeth. The best way that kids can ride cheap up there in the summer time is to, well, look like each other. If you can find like friends that look like your twins then you can all split a pass. You might cut your hair a certain way, maybe get matching neck tattoos, or just get one of those savage goggle tans that you will have when your 60-years-old. I believe that those are called cancer beards.

4. What sounds more pleasing to old man Todd? A summer full of snowboarding and hot dogs, or one of summer love, slip n’ slides, warm nights, and the other ingredients that combine to create the iconic American summer?

Todd: Damn, this is tough. It’s tugging on my feelings. Todd now wants to hang at the beach and increase his mole count. Summer then would be chasing dragons in hopes that someday he would get to mate with a princess. God seems like they were all dragons back then, or bridge trolls. Seeing as how I participated in Government Camp games back when all the camps were just coke fronts, then back to real camps, I have been through most of the different incarnations of “camp” up there. From there being a vert ramp every summer, to this big paper mache dog burning down a car in the street, to Harrison Ford dropping his kid off and me making a God damned fool of myself, to the Offspring playing at Ski Bowl and some kid lighting himself on fire, to the spread of herpes through the whole Government Camp by this fucking swamp donkey hippie, oh man those were all amazing times. Wait what was the question?

5. Can you describe the Government Camp singles scene come summer time?

Todd: Sheet, well things have changed up there. It used to be drier than the Queen of England’s uterus. Now with the influx of new emotional camp staff the ratio is pretty good, I guess. Back in the day it was like one hot chick and a bunch of retarded gorillas all trying to impress her. I usually had a chick back home so I wasn’t really in the salmon stream trying to spawn. Many broken hearts though. I watched so many dudes get led on by chicks in Hood for free gear. You were better off just trying to smash some Govy’ locals sasquatch beaver then deal with all the headaches of getting to “make out” with the one cute girl. The local talent wants to “make in” just make sure you wrap the hotdog. Those chicks are looking to breed outside their gene pool.