YoBeat: Making Fun of Snowboarding Since 1997

Hello loyal readers! Sorry we’ve been away for a while, but we here at the n00b recently achieved Nirvana. No, not the band that defined grunge and post-hair-metal rock’n’roll, but the kind that Buddhists hope to achieve through good works and self-improvement.  We didn’t self-improve or any of that bullshit, but we stumbled upon the greatest thing to bless snowboarding since Shaun White officially became a douche bag and stopped giving anyone a reason to care.

I speak, of course, of “Downhill Snowboarding,”  the tightest video game since Mario Kart (though we’re waiting to try out that sick-ass-looking Indiana Jones game on Wii).  All it takes is the forward and backward arrows, and you have to guide your man down the hill.  If you wanna get all tech, you can use the up key to jump (duh), and the A and S keys to grab.  A does a tailgrab, S didn’t do a damn thing for the n00b.  Moving on…

This is probably the best digital representation of snowboarding ever.  And this is coming from the n00b, who rented 1080 for the N64 about 1,000 times.  No joke. Fuck whatever game Shaun White is doing in HD on XBox 360 and PS3. Downhill Snowboarding is it.

Don’t believe us?  Think Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater, the Downhill Jam level, but without having to find the Secret Tape or do Judo Backflips or any of that crap. All you have to do is ride, do some double backflips (which we all know are the coolest tricks EVER ), and don’t die.  Literally, don’t drop your dude on his head, or it’s game over.

If you see a little blood shoot out after a rough landing, you’re done.

PLUS, the game’s a side-scroller, like all the best classic Nintendo games.  It’s dangerously close to one-upping the incredibly addictive “SkiFree” top-scroller for Windows.

Think you have what it takes?  Give that shit a try.  And let it be known, the n00b scored more than 12,000 points after only two rounds.  If you’re better… well, honestly, then you’re a nerd. But if you’re like us here in the n00b laboratories, you’re playing this game on the clock at your “real” job.  And that deserves a high-five!

Sorry this is a short column, but we have to get back to playing this game. The boss is about to fire us, but goddammit we’re almost at the bottom of the hill!  We’re sure you know how we feel. (And also, after finding some of these links, it’s time for the n00b to catch up on their video-game cartoon series. Thanks, YouTube, for ruining our career.)