YoBeat: Making Fun of Snowboarding Since 1997

The sun has gone, the skies are gray, girls and guys alike are figuring out the best way to dress like the kids from “Twilight.” We here at the n00b have had to start wearing our flannels AND a jacket to work. You know what this means… summer is over. It’s time to prepare for snow.

Now, because our labs are based in the Washington, D.C. metropolitan area, we see very little snow, in the sense you people understand snow. So we here at the n00b have plenty of time to prep for the upcoming snowboard season, while you people are already flocking to the hills.

But have no fear, for we’ve been hard at work researching, testing and fabricating a new training method to prepare you for the season – no snow required! Follow these five simple steps and you’ll be just as ready for the slopes as any good n00b.

Step One: Liver Warm-ups

Like the sit-ups and Pilates everyone starts doing in February – ok, June — to get ready for beach season, we have to work our core. Everyone knows the key to any good weekend of snowboarding is the epic partying après shred. Now, you don’t have to miss anything because you passed out like a little bitch.

First, start with beer. Drink it regularly. You don’t want to go straight to renegades (the infamous “thumb gun”) or beer bongs, you need to build a steady tolerance. Think of this as jogging.

When you’re ready for more heavy lifting, throw some cocktails in the mix. Chug a beer or two throughout the night, so you not only have endurance, but you can crank it up to eleven if you need it.

Eventually, you’ll reach our level of mastery and drink Johnny Walker by the pint.

Step Two: Facial Hair

The coolest guys on the mountain are the ones with the best beard/moustache combo. You don’t have much time, if you’re a slow grower, but luckily No-shave November is just around the corner. By the end of the month you should have plenty of growth and a few good options for your ‘stache. Have fun with it!

Step Three: Weight-lifting and leg fitness

Fuck this shit. What are you, a pussy?

Step Four: Buy new gear

Wanna get laid this winter? Don’t spend your time learning corked sevens and busting your ass on the slopes. Spend your cash on a fresh-ass jacket and some tight goggles. And hey, look, we know it’s a recession and all of that, but we know when you’re wearing last year’s clearance gear. Tighten your belt a little bit (unless you’re a snow gangster, then don’t) and get the new shit. Shaun White and Danny Kass don’t get trim because they rip, it’s because they always have the sickest get-up. Besides, who wouldn’t look hella fresh in this tight jacket?

Step Five: Condoms

You snowboard to get ass, right? Doesn’t everyone? So always keep your Trojans handy; you never know when you’ll need one. At the post-ripping party, remember, they don’t work underwater. If you’re bangin’ it out in the hot tub, pull it out in time! You don’t want any to tell your kids mommy and daddy met at Mammoth over Jager bombs and the rowdy powder.

And don’t tell anyone you fired a load in the hot tub, because the party will be much funnier that way.