YoBeat: Making Fun of Snowboarding Since 1997
The n00bs Airs His Festivus Grievances
By Ian Graham • Dec 23rd, 2009 • Category: Features, Latest, The NooB
If you don’t know, today is Festivus. Yes, the fabled “Festivus for the rest of us” made famous by Seinfeld.
We here at the n00b don’t find tinsel distracting, and we think bamboo would be a much better choice for a Festivus pole (VERY high strength-to-weight ratio), but mostly we like the non-committal nature of Festivus. I don’t have to believe in God or Santa Claus or whatever (p.s. Happy Hannukah, Jesus!), I just have to follow a few traditions.
One of the two prime traditions is the Airing of Grievances, when everyone at the Festivus Dinner table shares with their friends and family how they’ve been disappointed over the past year. Here, loyal friends and readers, are Festivus Grievances, by the n00b:
• Brooke Geery — not only have you not paid me (the t-shirt was sweet, but the cable company wouldn’t accept it for last month’s bill), but you managed to not let me know about the one snowboard party in the DC area EVER. Way to go, lady.
• AT&T – Stop being a bunch of bitches and let me transfer my old phone number onto an iPhone. I swear to Christ, how will any of the many, many, many, many girls that want me know what number to call? This is a well-established business line. Stop fucking with me.
• Sarah, Sarah, Sarah — Despite the haters on the comment board, I always enjoyed the weekly self-propagated voyeurism that was your column. Following you on Twitter is entertaining, but I prefer the weekly summaries of what you thought of when you last got high. It’s easier for me to internet-stalk you when the info is conveniently compiled.
• Skiers – Just accept the fact that, despite having been around longer, you’re playing second chair to snowboarding. Like, when you look/act that much like rollerbladers (at least as much as snowboarders pretend to be skateboarders), you just need to accept that shit.
• A. Hart and Rumorator – Quit preemptively plagiarizing all of my funny ideas. Seriously. (But, on the other hand, thanks for saying everything I’m always thinking.)
• Snowboarders – You still haven’t made “crossbow” a part of your regular slang. I’m completely disappointed in you; it’s probably the best thing you could do. It’s way the fuck better than “bolts.”
• Nick Lipton – I’ve seen more mustaches in your articles and photos than anywhere else in my entire life, including Sturgis AND a solid 20 years or so living in Western Montana. This isn’t really a grievance, more like a congratulations. It’s like a gay porn convention, with flannel and B.O. instead of leather and Astroglide.
• Burton – Your company stinks!
There, that feels better. Now everyone else air grievances, and we can get onto the Feats of Strength! Festivus isn’t over until Brooke gets pinned.
Ian Graham don't stop me now. i'm having such a good time, i'm having a ball.
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It’s a Festivus Miracle!
It’s not over until you pin me. FEATS OF STRENGTH!!
You mean Brooke isn’t paying you?
I’m pulling down $3/word from Yobeat Worldwide Inc.
Goddammit I knew it.
> Brooke Geery - How about a YoBeat branded merkin? I’m telling you these little crouch jackets are the skinny pants of tomorrow.
> Bear Mtn, Snow Summit and Mtn High - Seriously guys some of us 30somethings in SoCal do actually turn our snowboards, this whole side-slipy jib monkey thing is preempting the development of true board control.
>Side-slipy jib monkeys - Come on kids, lets see some personal development. Granted some of your jibbery is pretty snazzy, but we need somebody to de-throne the spinning ginger for the greater good of shredom.
> Al Gore - What’s with this whole global warming thing, why couldn’t you have invented global cooling?
> President Obama - Can you please call Capital One, Bank of America, Chase Card Services and the Federal Student Loan Controller and tell them that I’m not joking, I really don’t have any money so they should just kinda get over it.
> Capital One - Seriously guys, zero money…
> Nobel Prize Committee - Lets see Al Gore and the IPCC (who’s research methodology is now seriously in question) for documenting climate change = FAIL! Current US President Barak Obama for making people feel warm and fuzzy = FAIL! Inventing dynamite = FAIL!
> Sarah Morrison - What happened did the once a week senseless free-flow of mental diarrhea get in the way of your boozing? I had managed to block the memory of your failed attempt until the nOOb’s Festivus.
> Ullr - come on man SoCal needs some love these split-flow blues are killing me! I mean what do you want? Virgin sacrifice?
Aaah that feels so much better….
>Dirty Gypsy Kids - Stop wearing your sisters pants with those god forsaken coffee-and-vomit-stained-tall-tee-wife-beatery things and like thirteen ratty ass long-sleeve button ups and smoking gloves. You look like somebody handed a bunch of homeless people fadoras and aviators and said “start snowboarding”
>Jersey-style Gear - Seriously? Are you on some kind of team or something? You look retarded with all your shit color/print coordinated. And stop wearing your all-brown top and bottom fitted like you bought it at Lucky Brand. You look like Mr. Hankey on a snowboard.
>US Olympic Team Uniforms - Uniforms? Really? Burton needs to get off their knees because they’re blowing it hard and they’re gaying up snowboarding big time.
>Roomates - They eat your food, smoke your herb, leave all of their dishes in the sink, and then they yell at you when you get home from work and tell you that you’re actually crazy and the dishes belong to you.
>Not having a real pass - I mean, I love Northstar’s park, and Kingvale is most likely the best thing since sliced bread… but I’m all parked out. We’re finally having a decent start to the winter in Tahoe for the first time in the five years I’ve lived here, and I’m missing all the pow!
>Porters/K2 - I loved my BOA Raider boots, best ones I’ve ever owned. Only problem is all the seams decided to explode one day and thanks to the incredibly-good-at-his-job cashier not putting it under my customer history like I asked, I couldn’t prove that my two-year-old boots were only 9 months old. No replacements.
>K2 Warranty Policies - They’re such a cop-out. I understand that you don’t want to fix or replace product thats ten years old, because that shit would be dead anyways, but my boots were only TWO YEARS OLD!!! Even without a receipt, you should stand by the integrity of your product and repair an obvious manufacturing defect. Unless of course, that is, you’re implying your product only provides one year of worth-while boots…
That should say worth while use… I guess my roomates didn’t smoke ALL my herb…..
snowboarders: stop thinking that other snowboarders care what youre doing. you dont need to film every little box, jump, tube you hit and play it off as youre “just having fun”. you suck, no one wants to see it.
A crossbow shoots bolts. According to the noob the term, “bolts” does not belong in snowboarding. Therefore, a crossbow would be a really good skateboarder: someone who is always firing bolts.
I really like the term, “hammers.” It’s non-denominational like, “happy holidays.” A person who always drops hammers could be a carpenter. Perhaps woodsmith would be better, less syllables.
I agree that Sarah should return to original form. Twitter is too fast. Sometimes things comedy needs a little time to simmer.