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Dear Formerly Great Hip Hop/Rap Artist,
We have good news and bad news. The bad news. Your career is basically over. Your records aren’t selling anymore and your hardcore edge got lost with 90s nostalgia. Unfortunately, that awesome pad (once featured on MTV Cribs) is far from paid off, and that bitch you married still wants nice things. So you better figure out how to pay for it all.
There’s good news though! Snowboard companies are looking for recognizable names to play their events. They pay real money, and that’s not even the best part! The white kids you are performing for have little-to-no rhythm so you won’t have to try hard. In fact, you can pretty much phone your performance in, so long as you play a few songs that were really popular. They don’t even have to be yours, snowboarders won’t know the difference.
To score a gig at a snowboard event, the only real requirement is a slight relation to the Wu Tang Clan. You see, snowboarders loved the Wu “back in the day” and those snowboarders are now the ones making decisions. You could have been in the Wu Tang clan, collaborated with the Wu Tang clan, or even had some sort of feud with them. As long as the words “Wu tang” fit into the flier somewhere we’re good.
There’ s a bit more bad news we should share before you commit. Snowboard events are usually in cold places. You may be required to walk up the mountain to the stage, and even perform in the snow. Are puffy coats still stylish? If so, you’ll want one. Also, there is no awesome after party (unless you like dirty condos and cheap beer) or fine ladies (seriously) at the events for you to unwind with after your performance. We recommend you book your ticket out for immediately following the show.
Other than that, you’ll have a great time! And you’ll probably even score some sweet boots or brightly colored outerwear. Seriously, this is your ticket to reclaimed glory, so enjoy!