Original publication date: January 1999

by Brian Derosia

The big day is finally here. You’re 17, fresh out of high school, and dirt poor. But luckily, your parents have agreed to pay your rent if you would just promise to move out of their damn house. So you find a fellow dude to live with and it’s time to find that perfect apartment. But there is a certain criteria that you must follow to make your apartment scream, ‘Look at me, I’m a snowboarder!”

1. LOCATION. Pay close attention to the location of your apartment. It’s important to be close enough to the mountain so that all the “cool” guys will want to crash at your “pad”, but far enough away so that you can claim that your life is not based around snowboarding. If you can, try to live near a big town and not a ski town. This will allow you access to public transportation since after about six months, the duct tape that is holding your car together will give out, leaving you with no car.

2. STICKERS. This could be the most important part of having a snowboard house. Put them everywhere; on the outside of your house, on the inside, on the TV, on the stereo, on the Playstation. You get the point. Put the damn stickers everywhere. While we’re on the subject, the stickers don’t have to relate to snowboarding at all. You don’t even have to know what the stickers mean, as long they’re stickers.

3. FURNITURE. You shouldn’t have too much of this. A couch and one Lay-z-boy will be plenty. The most important part of your furniture is the coffee table, since this will be home to your cool snowboarding magazines, your token skateboarding magazine, your bong/bowl, and your week old dirty dishes. Forget about a bed, sheets and a blanket on the floor will be fine since you’ll always be in front of the TV anyway.

4. DECORATIONS. This is the easiest way to tell everyone that you are a snowboarder. What you need to do is steal a few banners. Grab a few from the local mountain. Steal some from the local shop and then claim that your sponsors sent them to you. Posters are a must. Hang them everywhere. The kitchen and the bathrooms are usually neglected when it comes to posters. Save those awesome Reef posters for the bathroom and thank god that snowboarding is still “down” with exploiting women.

5. FOOD. If you are a true snowboarder, you don’t need much. Go to the store with your 12 dollar paycheck for washing dishes and pick up these fine food items:

- TOP RAMEN. With 12 dollars you can get approximately 1000 packets of this stuff.

- KETCHUP. Just add water and you have cheap tomato soup.

- PASTA. A cheap meal and easy enough for the most stupid person to cook.

- STORE BRAND MAC AND CHEESE. Foul tasting, but filling. And besides, in the privacy of your own, you’re not REALLY vegan.

- WHITE BREAD. None of that split top wheat crap. That might be healthy.

6. STEREO. You need a really loud stereo in your house. Make sure that the TV is hooked up to it so that the neighbors down the street know when you’re playing Cool Boarders. And the 25-disc changer should be filled with West Coast Ghetto rap. Even if you don’t like it, buy it. It is your duty as a snowboarder.

BONUS. If you want to be the coolest, you must have the following things:

1. Trampoline
2. Internet magazine run out of your house.
3. Lots and lots of bad beer (i.e.Coors, Natural Light).
4. Fish tank. The pet that requires no effort.

So that’s all the help that you get. Now go out there and find the ultimate snowboarder pad and let the whole world know that you are a cool guy snowboarder.