High Fives With Todd Richards: North KoreaBy Nick Lipton • Jun 4th, 2010 • Category: Features
Note: Because North Korea has once again found itself in hot water we’ve brought back an Old Gold of the High Five world. Enjoy.
North Korea sucks. The people have no food, no money, nothing to do, and their leader is a dopey little man hell bent on becoming the next Hitler. Unfortunately for North Koreans the world can’t see their creepy parades, lack of civil liberties, or Soviet era militarism. “Kim Dong” as Todd so lovingly calls him is slowly killing those who entertain him. But what does he care? With 26 million people in North Korea he probably figures he can lose a few million and it won’t matter. Hopefully the zombie population will revolt soon, or maybe the next nuke launch will just end that mess for us.
1)When eating in North Korea, what condiment would go best with the moss and/or leaves you are consuming?
Todd: Hmm, I would go with tears naturally. They provide that all important moisture you need to actually swallow pain and suffering.
2)Do North Koreans know how behind the times their little country is?
Todd: Seeing as how watching anything but Kim Dong in his brown leisure suit on TV will get your skull fucked by a Commie’s red boot, I will go with no. Final answer.
3)Will the North Koreans ever go to war? Or are they like the smelly school bully, threatening but really just a big pussy?
Todd: They are like the school bully when he is in the principals office and you are outside the window making faces at him and saying his mother can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. ‘Cept North Korea is on like permanent time out. So they can’t get you when you are waiting for the school bus and make you fill your belly with white dog crap. That is unless Kim Dong trades a leaky nuke to some Tali-brah for like a Bette Middler greatest hits collection. I hear he’s into show tunes.
4)Would you rather handcuff Kim Dong to a bench in North Korea for the public to do what they want with him, or make him eat dog crap on live-worldwide television?
Todd: Oh man, dog crap for sure. I think the best punishment would be to air his home videos to the world including the zombies in North Korea. You know he has some shit in there where he is dressed as a ugly woman. Like vids of him having sex with a vacuum n’ shit. But the vacuum has like those google eyes and lashes stuck on it, with a nice sundress. You know the fuzzy attachment? You know that shit has been violated. I wonder if he wears like tan underwear that looks like his sweet leisure suit?
5) Would a nuke launched by North Korea have the power to get anywhere? How will the world react to a North Korean nuclear strike?
Todd: I somehow picture like 700 roman candle rockets fucking duct taped to like a Home Depot bucket with the nuke shit all fucking masking taped together in there. Either that or like strapped to the back of a pelican. Shit I don’t know, seems that little weirdo has been practicing shooting his little type of dong rockets out into the ocean for everyone to see. I figure they have about as much a chance of reaching anywhere of consequence as the chicks of Rock of Love bus have in being able to spell the word consequence.
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