The Snowboarders Guide to Recovery

By • May 6th, 2011 • Category: Features, Latest, Random

It was a big week for the USA wasn’t it? Will you remember it, probably not, after all we have lots of holidays that involve indulgence. But as snowboarders, Cinco de Mayo holds a special place in our hearts. Why? Well, there’s less to do unless you’re headed to Hood and we love to party. Seeing as it’s the morning after this glorious holiday, we figured it would be help to offer some recovery help, starting with the youngsters.

Grades K-8:

All those little Mexican candies you during English, those five neon-blue colored graveyard refills from Baja Fresh and the double scoop cone from Baskin’ Robbins afterwards has made you a sluggish brat this morning, but that’s ok. You’re young, you’ll heal up quick and best of all, you’re still Mommy’s little angel. Tell the office you’re sick, go home, watch shred flicks and play some Amped, or whatever the cool new ‘boarding game is.

Hangover Cure:

One dose of skipping school, Xbox and a piece of American chocolate cake.

Korean kids know what’s up. They sleep in school and keep the snowboard industry afloat.

High School:

If you’re the teenage heartthrob all the jocks babes want to bone with stickers on your car and a hard-on for your local shop then listen up, otherwise, go back to lacrosse practice, snowboard season ended months ago for you. Now, we realize partying on a Thursday in High School is difficult, but that didn’t stop you from figuring out how to sneak out to Taco Bell now did it. Now you’re at school, you’re dog tired and you seriously might shit your pants if you have to run in P.E. today. Here’s what you do.

Hangover Cure:

If you can skip school, do it, but otherwise plant an elbow on your desk (use the arm closest to the teacher). Now, rest your jawline into the lower palm of your hand. Use your fingers to form a shield in-front of your eyes. If the teacher is in front of you, angle your head down a bit and cup your fingers. If they can’t see the eyes, they can’t tell you’re sleeping. Have a bullshit answer ready incase you’re called on, and sorry about physical education, try to make a joke out of it, “Haha, did you see it when I shit my pants!”

College:

You’re awake? You can read this screen? You bothered checking anything but disgusting internet porn? Shame on you.

Hangover Cure:

Keep sleeping champ. You’ll be partying by sunset and you know it. Hell yeah higher education.

Dream Chasers:

College is over but the dream is still alive. You know what that means, you’re fucking hurting today. Bad news is you might have had work at 6AM, those resort jobs can be a bitch. But hey, you’re a pro at this point. See you tonight.

Hangover Cure:

A beer? A cigarette? Some shitty food? Whatever, we know you can handle it.

Don’t yawn too often Desk Jockeys, that one guy, you know the one, he’s been eyeing that hole all day…

Desk Jockeys:

Did you go out last night? Did you get out of bed this morning? Great! You still have a job. Man up champ, you chose this life, it’s time to own it.

Hangover Cure:

Starbucks, water and oh shit wait, I’m late for the morning meeting…

Old People:

Snowboarders don’t get old, don’t believe us? Todd Richards and Mikey LeBlanc.

Hangover Cure:

Manliness, end of story.

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Every word in this post-even those based on real people-are entirely fictional. The quotes might be bullshit too.
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13 thoughts on “The Snowboarders Guide to Recovery

  1. Mr. Belding

    HEY HEY HEY HEY HEY! What is going on here? K-12 includes high school.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 2

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  2. mn

    this is a perfect post. i drank way too much tequila last night, this is what i wanted to see. and its noon 30 and i just woke up, nailed my life on the button. college roolz

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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  3. Blake Geis

    well nick must be getting really, really, bored at that fancy grown up job this week. What is this article number 3 in the last week? That might be more articles than he wrote when his only job was yobeat

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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  4. Former Student

    Stole your technique? Please, that is an old time classic. Until you win an in-class award while you’re drooling on the desk you can’t claim a damn thing.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

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  5. Eli

    magaritas and molly, yep, thats a good cinco de drinko. Glad i’m done with finals, too, time to go drink more.

    god, i feel like a college tool.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 5

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  6. free burberry

    perfect post! just finished finals and have been celebrating all my friends graduating while i prepare for a victory lap. i’m going to be a career college student

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

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