Scary Summer SituationsBy Nick Lipton • Jun 10th, 2011 • Category: Features, Latest, Random
Forget age, education or employment level, because all snowboarders know Summer is pretty badass. For some the shred won’t end, but for you mortals out there BBQs, kickflips, flirting and good old fashioned rebelliousness will help smooth the sails to the inevitable winter. Heat waves, wet dreams and days wasted “chillin’” can fuck up a groove pretty quickly though. So to keep your minds sharp, your game focused and your summer funner do all that you can too avoid the follow Scary Summer Situations.
Desk Jockey: We get that times are tough. Parents aren’t shelling out the loot like they used to. Kids aren’t buying product like they did during the days of Danny Kass. And chicks, well, girls these days have inflated expectations on more levels than one. But, that doesn’t mean you should become a desk jockey. Why? Well, you’ll lose your soul. You’ll never see daylight unless you tear yourself out of bed on the weekend. You’ll get shittier at every activity that used to make you cool, and well, let’s face it. Unless you’ve got real responsibilities (read: bills, rent, babies, student loans) you should avoid this place for as long as possible.
Bun Slapper: Are you from an area with things like lawns, dogs, weeds or anything else you could potentially trim, walk or clean for a neighbor? Then stay the fuck out of the kitchen. Do you like being made fun of? Then stay the fuck out of the kitchen! Do you like getting the shit beaten out of you, watching junkies shoot up in the parking lot or serving asshole “back-from-college” kids? Then stay the fuck out of the kitchen. Slapping meat between two buns should be an enjoyable joke, don’t delude it with reality.
Fudge Packer: This one’s pretty widespread. From actually boxing fudge to anally probing others for cash, this job is sure to leave your brow moist and your shirt stained. Avoid it at all cost, unless of course, you really don’t care. (Plus side: Connivence store employees pack kids full of chocolate sweets all day, have great hours and can hook the homies up with Slurpees and other sweet stuff. That summer job is A-OK.)
Puke Pusher: I was a janitor for an entire 10 days way back before becoming a cynical asshole. Prior to being shitcanned I learned a few things. Girls are disgusting creatures. Their hair clogs every opening a bathroom can offer. They like to play hide-and-seek with their tampons and yes, they absolutely take shits. Now I get it, being a janitor is a sweet summer gig. Hell, my cousin put himself through college doing it and Eddie Wall and Brett Butcher have both manned the broom during their careers, but it’s still a nightmare. Kids puke, you clean. People make a shitty mess, you clean. Girls live, you clean. It sucks, it’s dirty and unless you’re getting a solid paycheck, it’s just not worth it.
Pool Patrol (aka Whistle Blower): Oh, you’re the lifeguard? Want to throw a pool party here tonight? No? Well, see ya’ later Whistle Blower. Here’s the deal about pool patrol boys, with out a doubt you will become a dickhead. Why? Because you’re job is a joke. No one is drowning in a community pool. Why again? Because there’s a fucking community in it! Also, your splotchy tan, peeling shoulders and limp-wristed slouch aren’t exactly Bay Watch material. The girls aren’t going to want you. The ones that do you won’t want. Oh, and you’re a fun killing dickhead who every rad little kid lives to hate.
Heat Stroke: It’s not a job, it’s not a lifestyle, it’s just the only condition you’ll be able to blame for that stupid haircut, crap pair of shorts and a stupid bitch magnet you call “your bod”. Now, I’m not saying don’t get your body beach season ready. That’s cool, be healthy, no problem we’re all just jealous. But fake tans, muscles piled on muscles and shorts that cripple epileptics? Uncool, bro.
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