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2013 Snowboard Trends… as Predicted by a Skier

Special guest post by‘s Ryan Dunfee

First off, I’m a motherfucking SKIER, kids. Now before you start lighting up the comment boards as if Shaun White were chosen to judge the 2014 Olympics, keep in mind that I’m an authority on snowboarding because I’ve been watching it closely since your ancestors were throwing snowballs at me while I hit the halfpipe on mogul skis. Not to mention that until Saga was founded, we were wearing all your clothes (but now you’re starting to wear ours, suckas!)

Now I’ve had a lot of time to follow both skiing and snowboarding over the course of my young adult life, and as such have been able to ascertain what many are familiar with as the Golden Rule of Trends:

As such, it is only a matter of analyzing data to predict the future trends of this dear sport of snowboarding. Here are a few things you can look forward to in 2013 according to my calculations:

1) Snowboarding Will Still Exist

Yes, despite the apocalyptically dismal season of 2012 for us normal plebes (the pros were all killing it in AK), the world will not end in a ball of flames after you’ve had your first few days on snow next December. So you’ve got that to look forward to.

2) Snowboarding in Shorts

Snowboarders have been two years behind mimicking skateboarding’s trends for eons now, and as evidenced by their adoption of seasonally inappropriate outerwear (jeans, no gloves, baseball caps, and corduroy or flannel for a jacket), they are keeping right on schedule. So it should be no surprise that shorts will be trending hard next season. Shorts offer all the benefits of pretending you’re skateboarding without any of the practical requirements of normal snowboard gear, like warmth and protection from freezing elements. Just how you guys like it.

3) Skitching Is the New Close-Out Rail

As the Africans show us, skitching can get totally extreme real quick.

Snowboarders have been taking to the “streets” for years now, although in truth they’re mostly taking to the areas immediately adjacent to said streets. However, in 2013 snowboarding will actually take place on the streets. With progression in the mountains stagnating due to the tricks reaching the limits of human physiology, skitching — the act of holding onto a vehicle bumper on a skateboard to get dangerously whisked down the street — offers unlimited progression. It incorporates all of your favorite elements of snowboarding, like reckless self-endangerment, breaking of laws, and playing make-believe skateboarding. While skitching, the dangers are multiplied — you could hit a dry spot of pavement, catch an edge and get run over by the car behind you, catch your tip on the wheel of the car you’re skitching, get T-boned — the possibilities are endless! And contrary to all current urban snowboarding, this kind offers the utility of getting you somewhere, notably to the mountain for free.

4) Snowboarding Slang Dominated by Anxiety

In 2012, snowboarding slang primarily evolved around terms like “greasy” and “firey.” However, with the 2012 Olympics quickly approaching, snowboarding’s collective anxiety will be at an all-time high. Slopestyle’s current creativity is due to be destroyed when the slopestyle comp gets moved to the aerialist jumps, and all the judges, in an effort to save money, are brought over from curling. With as much worrying going on as there will be in 2013, the homies will be giving you fist pounds for totally stomping that “totally fretful back 7” or that “antsy front board.”

5) Clamdigging New Hot Post-Shred Activity

Surfing, skateboarding, fly-fishing, and hunting have all had their place as the coolest post-shred activity for pros to partake in. But with how hard being greasy is trending these days, there are few activities that make snowboarders dirtier than sweating on a glacier for days on end in flannel and never showering. However, clam-digging offers the possibility of getting even dirtier by making you walk out in brackish, stinky mud to dig up shellfish — you pretty much have to end up disgusting. Count on the Yawgoons, as both snowboarding’s hottest crew and the only one close enough to the ocean to be able to clam-dig post-shred, make clam-digging super cool. Kids no longer move to Utah after college to shred, but instead flock to tiny New England hills within twenty minutes of the coast. Poler launches a new brand called “Acuatiq” that sells hipster clamming waders and rubber gloves that are spotted on all the cool advertising people in Portland as they leave Fred Meyer with their kids.

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Comments (37)

  1. Starting to lose hope in yobeat
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 62 Thumb down 24
  2. haha seasonally inappropriate outerwear
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 24 Thumb down 3
  3. fuckin skiers…
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 22 Thumb down 1
  4. now we’re wearing ski outerwear? dont use jerm as an example of what all snowboarders do pal
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 85 Thumb down 1
  5. skiiing trends: spin as fast as humanly popular on box
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 72 Thumb down 0
  6. one of the best posts of 2012.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 20 Thumb down 13
  7. This truly is making fun of snowboarding, you guys are doing what you said you do, and for that i thank you.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 47 Thumb down 6
  8. Got em! Nice one.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 3
  9. Yobeat has reached an all new level of whack with all these new ‘articles’

    Snowboarding would be so much better without the internet. Stick to re-blogging videos, bro

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 25
  10. the last sentence is hilarious.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 0
  11. Fuck trends !!! Be yourself and not a marketing figure
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 2
  12. bahah. The poler part is spot on
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0
  13. Commenter Frank apparently just discovered snowboarding
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0
  14. Who says “greasy” and “firey”?
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 0
  15. Yea this website has been in the dumps. Pat left. Nick Liptons bangin Jon Stark in the ass, and the founder of this website is a women. Blowing It.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 23 Thumb down 4
  16. A skier copying snowboarding while making fun of snowboarding for copying skateboarding, which originally copied surfing, but is ultimately cooler than surfing.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 1
  17. dude that picture of brian at the bottom seriously looks like….a GIRL
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 2
  18. I though was one of the interns joking around, turns out it is real website….
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0
  19. Damn skiers totally ruining snowboarding man, i hate skiers.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 3
  20. YoBeat is officially beat! A ninja may say “Try Softer” you guys are trying too hard to be cool (or funny) and you end up stupid. Plus you give all the action sports a bad name. If you spent this much effort in your sport discipline… you may just have something. Its time to shut it! YourBEAT
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 7
  21. i thought this sucked but the trend chart was pretty hilarious….pretty accurate too
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0
  22. The 2012 olympics are the summer games… why wouldn’t we all be “anxious” for the 2014 games? Lame joke anyways.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0
  24. that shits cray!
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  25. Idk about the rest of you butthurt little girls, but this was funny.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 0
  26. saga is for faggots
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1
  27. I think we can finally say, “yobeat is clapped out.” Or maybe in this case, “brobeat is clammed out.” This site needs to dissolve into history as huge failure. Fuck Yobeat, the next attempt at one of these sites must not be run by clowns!!!!!
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 2
  28. I pee in girl’s butts
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0
  29. you guys realize they like you talking crap about them right? And even though you’re all saying, ” yobeat’s done it this time, I’m never coming back on here” you still do. Try reading their slogan next time…
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1
  30. who thinks that skating is done wearing shorts? and who thinks that slopestyle runs possess a relative degree of creativity? happy blading, bra.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 1
  31. as predicted by a skier? you have got to be joking with me. skiers have just been following snowboarding trends for the past couple years. all the way from rails and boxes to tight pants. skiers wearing airblaster is the only thing that pisses me off more than skiers wearing xxxxxxl tall tees that look like gay little nighties… oh and i want to crush jerm’s mom’s pussy
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0
  32. that was actually kinda funny
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  33. Ski Trends: wear a 6XL hoodie and 3 xl pants and wonder why people hate you.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0
  34. Dunfee is a funny man. Whoever takes any of this shit serious can go eat a dick
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 1
  35. This guy sucks. At least we know he doesn’t follow any trends and is totally original.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  36. wow…..he is honest but seriously yobeat? another lame game move on the internet. get a thugee Dunfee thats what skiing is all about.
    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

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