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So you want the fortune, the bitches, and stacks of pro-forms that come along with snowboarding internet fame? Are your crew’s videos barley breaking 1k views, even though your lipslide 270 out, is obviously way better than the 8,000 other kids out there doing them? The following is a list of scientifically proven tactics you can use to catapult your crew’s internet videos into the the highly respected field of “most viewed” online snowboarding edits. This list is a result of thousands of data points gathered, while consecutively watching every snowboarding edit ever made, during the development of the new website Shradical.com. This information is extremely powerful, so be advised, implement these tactics at your own risk.
#1 – Tits and Ass
Regardless of your skill level, your edit is guaranteed to get at least four times the amount of views if the viewer thinks they’re gonna see some tits and/or ass. Notice how I said “think”, which is the beauty of the first tactic. You don’t actually have to show any tits or ass, but just trick the viewer into thinking they might. Which is why you must always have the T&A implication in your thumbnail. By the time the edit is over, and the viewer has realized they just watched your sub-par snowboarding, and haven’t seen any T nor A, it’ll be too late… and that’s a view in the bank.
Example: This is an edit of a European rail jam, packed with tons of tricks I’ve seen a thousand times, on features that are at every mountain on planet earth. Without the implication that I’m about to see some fly bitches in their panties dancin’ around a hotel room, I would have never clicked play.
#2 – Pro Endorsements
Don’t be intimidated. This tactic is much easier than it sounds. Unlike any other multi-million dollar industry, snowboarding is unique in that top pros are just as broke and stinky as your busted ass crew. You’d be surprised what kind of endorsement the promise of a free drink at the bar later that night can get you. You of course, will not follow through with this promise. But it’s all good cus you already got the footy, and your one step closer to snowboarding internet fame.
Example: Flippin bird taps into the mecca for stinky broke professional snowboarders: Mt. Hood in the summertime.
#3 – Start A Fight
Actual skill required to start a fight: zero. The chances of rackin’ up video views if you start a fight at the slopes: very high.
Example: These Canadian bros know what’s up. Similar to tactic #1, they know that they don’t actually have to fight, in order use this method. The one bro realizes that their sweet side-jumpin video was destined for failure, so out comes tactic #3. They also know the importance of starting a fight with someone who, unlike you, has a lot to lose. Someone with kids is an easy-to-spot indicator that it’s in their best interest to just keep on movin’. If your target actually looks as if their about to throw down, be sure to spend an extraordinary amount of time taking off all your gear (and of course your shirt, bro) in hopes that by the time your done they’ll have cooled down or lost all interest. Don’t forget to show off to the camera how tough you are after they’re gone.
#4 – Get Kicked Off A Mountain
Getting kicked off a mountain is another incredibly easy tactic, that guarantees tons of views. There’s nothing that gives ski patrollers more of a chub than to abuse the little bit of power they have at the local hill. Most are retired, bitter skiers who get their rocks off yelling at those god damn shithead snowboarders. The key to this tactic is to get the ski patroller as worked up as possible. Especially if you know you’re already guaranteed to get the boot, really push the boundaries of being a dick. The bigger the dick you are, the more worked up they will get, the more views you will get.
Example: These dudes from Snowbasin know tactic #4 well, and reaped the benefits of over 150,000 views. The other edit they have uploaded of them at Brighton has a measly 1,700. And it’s actually is pretty damn good. If they were smart, they woulda slipped a few tricks into the video of that retired cop tellin em to “shut their fucking mouths”. (Note: this video has 245,000 views and took 5 minutes. Most full length internet videos that require thousands of dollars and take an entire season to film, are lucky if they get 50,000 views. Additionally, the video was picked up by ABC 7 News in Salt Lake. When’s the last time you saw your shitty corrugated edit on the 5 o’clock news.)
#5 – Smash Things, and Yourself
Smashing shit is as American as apple pie. Take notes from the classic TV series “America’s Funniest Home Videos” now on its 23rd season, an empire built purely on ordinary jamokes like you smashing themselves into things. And of course nut shots. Destroying private property, trashing your apartment, gnarly falls and hurting your friends all fall under this category.
Example: I use this tactic often when editing the ICKS edits to make up for our pretty average riding. Check it out in action in the Numskull teaser. Throw in a street light smash here, and a cat swatting a dog there. And boom, it’s all over the internets, including the major blogs YoBeat, Transworld and Method.
#6 – Actually be good
This is the last and hardest tactic, and most likely doesn’t apply to you. But it’s worth noting. If you’re actually really good at snowboarding, and your editor can chose a song that isn’t Rick Ross (or is it Juicy J now?) you may just have what it takes to rack up some serious views.
Example: Yawgoons. Extremely talented riders. Original tricks. Top notch filming and editing. Equals: an online edit worth watching.
This guide is brought to you by Shradical.com. Watch snowboard edits by mountain.