This edition of Rejected Edits comes to you late as hell because I’m on an SLC road trip. It’s about 1 am right now and I’m writing this from the back seat of my car, which I have parked in front of a closed-down coffee shop so I can steal their wifi and watch your shit-ass edits. Now I’m sure we’re both glad to be sharing an intimate moment in my back seat, but it’s getting late and I really have to take a dump. So let’s get this over with so I can head over to Walgreens and give them my diarrhea. — Oliver Woodrow Dixon

CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS

Grade: D

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs? More like Soggy with a Chance of Buster. This shit is so plain Jane that it’s hard to talk shit about it properly. It’s like a piece of plain ass toast with nothing on it. Not even a bit of “I can’t believe it’s not butter,” which I firmly believe actually IS butter and they have just been lying to us this whole time. You guys need to put some spice in your edits! Put on some juggalo face paint and do some ignorant shit or at least hit us with some heaters!

BALL HOOTIN’ EP. 1

Grade: D-

What the.. I don’t even.. is this a joke? Or is it a subliminal advertisement for the Pow hi-five mitt? Get that damn filmer hand out of here! Even if it was a joke, it wasn’t that funny. The horse is dead bud, no need to continue beating it’s ass. Also, shit talking doesn’t really work when you have the 100+ MPH wind proof go pro backing on. However, it did sound like you were talking smack about my boi Drew Brees. That man is a damn American hero! I think he lifts too, so you better watch yo’ back, mane.

ROCK AND RIDE 2012

Grade: A+ (for partying) C+ (Everything else)

Jesus Horse-Effing Christ, I don’t even know where to begin. I guess I’ll start with what happened at about 1:36 aka one of the most “I have completely checked out in life” things I have seen in a hot minute. I would love to know the story behind that but at the same time, there is something very romantic and mystical about it’s complete lack of context. Speaking of romantic and mystical, how the fuck are there so many babes in Wisconsin? Da fuck? I’m jelly. All-in-all this is a great party edit but the Devil’s Head park is just so lacking.. It’s a bummer really, I feel like you guys kick ass at riding it’s just that the park there is no fun to watch.

DAYS AT BRIGHTON

Grade: C-

Spencer! I know you know better than this! Brighton sucks. It really really sucks. Even giving it a Michigan park handicap, it still really sucks. In order to make those features look like they’re not completely baby dick you would have to take your camera, with your doomsday fish eye lens, and put it in a foot-and-a-half deep hole in the ground. Even then it would still seem pretty small. My advice to you is to go with Dom to Cannonsburg, and film the Drip Squad getting their Drip on and give me and Dom the footy so we can edit it into some drip and a double cup type shit. Drip Squad is that shit I do like. I might even change my name to Oliver DRIPSon-Cider. P.S. Your bitch is lacking vitamin D and she wants drip squad to be the ones to supply it. Unfortunately for her we were too busy spitting beer on each other and lighting bottle rockets in yo’ house.

FRIGID FRIDAYS

Grade: B

The riding in this actually isn’t that bad but when you consider the location it seems a bit lacking. With all due respect this is a pretty good edit.. but every other edit that I’ve seen from Elm causes me to make involuntary sex sounds, and not your average sex sounds, loud, fetish type shit where I am cursing the person causing such sensations. Once you’ve had an experience like that it’s hard to.. well.. go back.

CHRISTMAS VACATION PT. 1

Grade: C-

Seriously? No Chevy Chase shout out? How are you about to title this Christmas Vacation and not have a Christmas Vacation shout out? Also ask yourself this: When in my life have I ever wanted to watch a stranger’s Christmas vacation video? I am assuming the answer is never and you know what? That’s okay. It’s an honest mistake. Mad people get excited on taking vacations and want to make edits about it. However, there is a big difference between Christmas Break and Spring Break. Doesn’t a Spring Break edit sound more exciting? It does. Because, for one, we have removed the term “christ” (leading me to wonder if there are any anti-christ-mas edits out there) and, for two, it leads one to believe that the subject of said edit got really really loose and acted like an asshole on vacation. Which, sounds like the formula for a perfect edit to me. Try it again using those ingredients and holler atcha boy.

6TRICKFIX NUMERO1

Grade: D

It’s hard not to compare this edit to my sex game. Confusing, a bit awkward, and very short. For extra credit, it also ends incredibly abruptly, without any sort of warning, whatsoever, and leaves everyone involved feeling like they were just part of some sort of wet n’ sticky circus act.

Ballhootin’ Ep.2

Grade: D

This might be the first time a crew has been rejected twice in the same installment of rejected edits! I think I’m starting to get your guys’ joke a bit more now. It seems like you’re going for a based god shout out, where it’s like “we don’t totally suck but if we make a sucky ironic edit people might dig it” type thing. I don’t think it works that way in the snowboard community, sorry guys. You have to put in a little more work than that. Get yo’ hustle on lil’ pimpz.

BROTHERLY PAYDAYS 2012

Grade: C

What we got ourselves here is a classic low key So-Cal kickback chill edit. It’s just kind of a big stoney mess. There is a lot of random shit thrown in there with a few backward peace signs and “negative” camera effects. There was a couple of real aggro tricks flying around but the only ones that seemed to be in slow motion were sloppily thrown in taps and swivels. On a positive note, there is a booty shot in this which is pretty cool. What’s even cooler is that you cant really tell if the person whose booty is being filmed is aware of what is going on, which leads me to believe that it is very much possible that the filmer took it upon his or her self to creeper cam this booty, which is very G-code and deserves a shout out.

FRIENDS IN CERLER

Grade: C

I was pretty excited to see some riding from Spain but realized my excitement was ill-advised as soon as I heard a Little Wayne song. When is that dude going to go away forever? I feel like anything by Little Wayne is just so basic and most edits to his music tend to follow suit. This is another one that’s hard to say anything interesting about. I found myself checking how much time was left in the edit multiple times. Also, you decided to name your crew “Friends”? You realize that’s already a thing, right?