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Premature Evaluation: 13/14 Salomon and Bonfire

With SIA rapidly approaching, have another two-fer for ya. Here’s what Salomon and Bonfire have been cooking up for 2013/14 across from Franz Bread factory in Portland.

Bonfire

Bonfirebump

This year’s Bonfire outerwear has gone past hip and straight to Redneck. Refusing to play into the game of high snowboard fashion, Bonfire brought their outerwear back to America’s roots.

The Outback Boot Pack

PEbonfirepack

Finally, a snowboard backpack that will blend in with all the other rednecks on your cheap Southwest flight. You are twice as likely to grab someone else’s bag accidentally and end up with trashier luggage than yours.

Barrel Overall

PEbonfireoverall

Whether on hill, working the moonshine still, or marching your daughter’s boyfriend down the isle with a shotgun, the barrel pant revolutionizes classic denim overalls.

Belmont Jacket

pebelmontjacket

The Belmont jacket is a work-wear inspired coat with a Sherpa collar for solid performance in the coldest and redneck-iest conditions. This collar could be used to warm you during snowmobiling, skeet-shooting, lighting shit on fire and/or ice-fishing.

Women’s Taylor Pant

pebonfiretaylor

The Bonfire woman’s line is keeping the “mom jeans” look alive. These pants come with a tramp stamp patch on the back, so you can let ‘em know how you get down.

The Hudson Jacket

hudsonjacket

The water-resistant Hudson is more than just your average mid-layer utility. It’s a camo jacket that says to the local bar-cougar, “This guy hunts.” It’s not until you get her home that she discovers you are a piece of shit snowboarder, but by then she doesn’t care anymore, she’s in it for the sex.

Salomon

salomonbumper

I can only imagine the long line of sexual innuendoes going down at the Salomon office With almost every snowboard featuring a pointy nose and tail. “just the tip” jokes must flow like water. I wonder if they are hiring. I’m a sucker for office banter.

The Sick Stick

PEsallomonsickstick

Sick.

The Split-boards

PEsalomonsplits

Three Salomon favorites are now available as factory split boards. All come tuned with steel inside and outside edges, inserts for mounting touring brackets, durable custom fit Salomon climbing skins and Karakoram clips. The idea here is to divide and conquer.

The Assassin

pesalomonassasin

Breeding snowboards can be a dangerous thing, and often times result in the birth of a retarded snowboard. The camber chart for this board looks like some sort of broken penis, but I have a feeling this board is the real deal.

Quantum Bindings

353243-sbi-QUANTUM-WHITE-ARok

With a newer, stronger update to Shadow-fit technology, It’s only a matter of time until Salomon asks me to make them
<href=”http://www.yobeat.com/2012/11/20/young-mountain-baby-presents-the-shadow-fit-rap/”>another rap-music video. Actually they will never want that.

Woman’s OH YEAH!

OhYEAH 143 BASE V1

The name of this board is awesome, because when you are trying to think of it, your “oh ya” has nothing to do with the actual name of the snowboard.

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Comments (7)

  1. spilt boards are gay

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 28
  2. willy wonka is gay

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 4
  3. salomon is kewl

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 4
  4. you guys must really be out of ideas for articles

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 1
  5. willy wonka makes shitty ass chocolate

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0
  6. Where da salomonder at

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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