Ten Reasons NOT to Move to the NorthwestBy Brooke Geery • Feb 5th, 2013 • Category: Features, Latest, Random
Thanks to the Internet, you’ve probably been seeing lots of footage and photos from places like Mt. Hood and Mt. Baker that look pretty good. And you’ve probably heard rumors that all we do is ride pow and drink cheap beer here. As an honorary NW local, I’d just like to put it out there that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. These are just a few of the reasons you’ll come to regret coming here, so don’t say we didn’t warn you.
1. Riding powder is exhausting.
With the exception of a couple weeks of Jun-uary, there’s almost always powder to be had. All that steep and deep can be really tiring. A few days after the storm, you might even have to hike up to a half hour off of the chairlift to find some. It’s awful.
2. There are more snowboarders than skiers.
That’s right. While the LA times says snowboarding is over and even the Yobeat comment boards seem to be turning into a ski love fest lately, in the Northwest snowboarders still greatly outnumber skiers. As you’ve probably heard, those knuckle draggers are nothing but trouble. They turn quickly with no notice, and scrape all the snow off the trails!
3. Jobs are scarce.
Basically the only employers of note here are snowboard companies or shoe giants. You’ll probably end up having to take some poor paying job in the snowboard industry, or become a corporate shill who only flies first class, like an asshole.
4. It doesn’t snow in the city.
You never get to enjoy the fun of scraping your windshield, or digging off the driveway. How are you supposed to stay tough and in shape? Oh, and on the off chance it does snow, everyone freaks out, stays home, and you have to fend for yourself on the streets.
These unsavory creatures are EVERYWHERE! They’re tattooed, naked and willing to do just about anything for a dollar. The seediness is almost culturally acceptable here — how will you ever remain a “good person” with that influence?
6. You’ll have to snowboard year-round.
Your chances of getting burnt out on boarding are high. With powder all winter, sunny park days in the spring, the Mt. Hood summer camp circus in the summer, and Palmer laps with just a few of the other hardcores in the fall, it’s also nearly impossible to get anything else done.
7. You will get fat.
Some of the world’s best seafood comes out of the nearby ocean, everything grows like magic, and some of the best chefs in the world seemingly work as line cooks at dive bars. Between the $1 PBR’s and this former fact, stuffing your face is inevitable and before you know it, those skinny jeans will be EXTRA SKINNY.
8. You will be forced to skateboard.
There are skateparks everywhere. And not just pre fab pieces of crap, but hand crafted concrete masterpieces. It’s impossible not to occasionally get on a board and cruise around and do you know how dangerous skateboarding is!? Before you know it, you’ll be wearing a helmet and knee pads too!
9. You will be forced to snowboard with your heroes.
For whatever reason, many of the best snowboarders of all time have decided to make Washington and Oregon home, and chances are you’ll end up on a run with one of them eventually. The performance pressure is really a bummer — I mean, how embarrassing is it to miss your grab when Peter Line is watching?
10. Yobeat is here.
And we all know those guys suck.
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