Ten Reasons NOT to Move to the Northwest

By • Feb 5th, 2013 • Category: Features, Latest, Random

NWisbetterART

Thanks to the Internet, you’ve probably been seeing lots of footage and photos from places like Mt. Hood and Mt. Baker that look pretty good. And you’ve probably heard rumors that all we do is ride pow and drink cheap beer here. As an honorary NW local, I’d just like to put it out there that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. These are just a few of the reasons you’ll come to regret coming here, so don’t say we didn’t warn you.

1. Riding powder is  exhausting.

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With the exception of a couple weeks of Jun-uary, there’s almost always powder to be had. All that steep and deep can be really tiring. A few days after the storm, you might even have to hike up to a half hour off of the chairlift to find some. It’s awful.

2. There are more snowboarders than skiers.

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That’s right. While the LA times says snowboarding is over and even the Yobeat comment boards seem to be turning into a ski love fest lately, in the Northwest snowboarders still greatly outnumber skiers. As you’ve probably heard, those knuckle draggers are nothing but trouble. They turn quickly with no notice, and scrape all the snow off the trails!

3. Jobs are scarce.

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Basically the only employers of note here are snowboard companies or shoe giants. You’ll probably end up having to take some poor paying job in the snowboard industry, or become a corporate shill who only flies first class, like an asshole.

4. It doesn’t snow in the city.

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You never get to enjoy the fun of scraping your windshield, or digging off the driveway. How are you supposed to stay tough and in shape? Oh, and on the off chance it does snow, everyone freaks out, stays home, and you have to fend for yourself on the streets.

5. Strippers.

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These unsavory creatures are EVERYWHERE! They’re tattooed, naked and willing to do just about anything for a dollar. The seediness is almost culturally acceptable here — how will you ever remain a “good person” with that influence?

6. You’ll have to snowboard year-round.

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Your chances of getting burnt out on boarding are high. With powder all winter, sunny park days in the spring, the Mt. Hood summer camp circus in the summer, and Palmer laps with just a few of the other hardcores in the fall, it’s also nearly impossible to get anything else done.

7. You will get fat.

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Some of the world’s best seafood comes out of the nearby ocean, everything grows like magic, and some of the best chefs in the world seemingly work as line cooks at dive bars. Between the $1 PBR’s and this former fact, stuffing your face is inevitable and before you know it, those skinny jeans will be EXTRA SKINNY.

8. You will be forced to skateboard.

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There are skateparks everywhere. And not just pre fab pieces of crap, but hand crafted concrete masterpieces. It’s impossible not to occasionally get on a board and cruise around and do you know how dangerous skateboarding is!? Before you know it, you’ll be wearing a helmet and knee pads too!

9.  You will be forced to snowboard with your heroes.

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For whatever reason, many of the best snowboarders of all time have decided to make Washington and Oregon home, and chances are you’ll end up on a run with one of them eventually. The performance pressure is really a bummer — I mean, how embarrassing is it to miss your grab when Peter Line is watching?

10. Yobeat is here.

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And we all know those guys suck.

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28 thoughts on “Ten Reasons NOT to Move to the Northwest

  1. Debaser

    What if Im already a fat, skateboarding, powder riding, jobless, stripping, yobeat reading snowboarder that lives in a city that it doesnt snow?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 22 Thumb down 0

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  2. TrickOrTreat

    number 11 and the most important, there are absolutely no terrain parks up here,they create cross traffic and endanger people trying to ride over knuckles and off the sides of skatestyle lips.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

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  3. poopsticks

    Yes, yobeat is here – and just down the hill. Have often considered leaving a buring bag of crap (dog?) in their parking lot.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

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  4. .thanks

    way to make it way too obvious that it’s actually a really, really good move. please, I am begging you shitheads to stay in slc. please? thanks.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 2

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  5. wain

    It’s never sunny.. you can’t see shit.. snow gets in your face.. too many trees.. you get wet.. there’s no gondolas… better stay home.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 1

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  6. whydoyoudothis

    Snowboarders outnumber the skiers? No. It’s not all Govy camp around here you dumbass admin. Just keep this shit to yourself anyway and let the people roam where they may.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 12

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  7. ihatebeingrightalways

    if the SLC boys didn’t come to HCSC or Windells the park would look like shit, sorry…

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 4

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  8. handbannana

    If the SLC kids didnt come to Oregon there would be no fights, and tehyd just find someone else who can dig a hole

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

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  9. @I hate being right

    So last time I checked Timberline public park was pushing 60 foot tables. Any jibber can dig a trench for a down rail. It takes years of experience to run a cat and for the big stuff they use 2+ cats and winch each other up the landings.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

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  10. a

    The worst thing about snowboarding in the PNW is having to listen Oregonians claim they’re part of it. Because, I guess, they are. But srslycomeon lol ha for real

    Anyone wants to stay on my couch I swear it’s no problem. If you’re on the boardernet and you’re into cool shit we can roll. You’ll dig it and we’ll be nabez in like a month.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 3

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  11. You forgot a state in the NW!

    1. Idaho is in the N.W. with the only 22′ super pipe in the pacific north west.
    2. Fancy ski resorts with gondolas host THE NORTH FACE MASTERS at Crystal Mt.
    3. There is surfing an hour outside of the two biggest cities.
    4. You can get a tattoo and wear thrift shop clothes and be judged by other hipsters.
    5. Traffic jams on the way to and from the ski area with 45 minute lift lines on the weekends.
    6. Lift tix cost more than a b.j. on Burnside $90 for Meadows, $95 for Sun Valley ID, $75 @ Crystal.
    7. It rains so much in the city that the ice rink snow melts so no urban shred…stay in SLC jibbers.
    8. Mt. Hood is so flat snowboarders use collapsible ski poles to push down Mt. Hood cat tracks.
    9. If you want to film a video part you have to wait for it to snow and dust other crews jumps off.
    10. Open back country policies make it too easy for huge kickers to get built, ruining good mogul runs.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 9

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  12. minnesotanice

    some of the best beer in the country and tons of good mountains, yeah it sucks there…

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

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  13. BIGMANDINGO

    THESE ARE MOSTLY ON POINT. ADD: HELLA ENVIRO FAGS. EVEN IN A REDNECK PLACE LIKE BEND. DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ABOUT EUGENE. FUCKING HIPPIES.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 1

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  14. Oregrown

    Bend is full of relocated California yuppies, it’s not even close to redneck anymore! Bachelor’s fun though

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

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