Stan and Oliver Go to Stupor Park: Day 3By admin • May 8th, 2013 • Category: Event Coverage, Features, Random
Trying to track all of the action at Superpark is like trying to fit both of your testicles inside of a woman’s vagina while you dick is already in there. It’s official sex position name is “dogs in a bathtub.” Yesterday I tried to run around and catch it all but today I took a different route, namely, icing as many people as possible, and taking photos of people’s shitty tattoos.
Oliver: 9:02 am: Wake up and stumble into the living room. Knut and Bob Plumb make fun of my underpants. After making fun of my undies and the way my pecker looks in them, Bob asks me how I “managed to get the unreleased new iPhone,” I have an Android.
Oliver: 9:07 am: I pull out my laptop so I can do internet things. Bob’s bitch ass asks me how I “managed to get the new unreleased Macbook pro.” I have a PC. My plan for the day goes from “snowboarding” to “fully engulfing bob in hellfire.”
9:10 am: Bob continues to rip on me for “not having a pro skateboarder for a brother.” I ask him if he has any wet wipes. d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d–damn.
10:29 am: Purchase a 12-pack of Smirnoff Ice. My goal is to get rid of every single one of these .
10:54 am: I hide a Smirnoff ice inside a gigantic carton of Goldfish crackers. I offer Knut Eliassen a morning snack and he gets more than he bargained for. This trick continues to work as more people show up in the lot.
10:57 am: Alex Burton, rot ready for such a daunting task, puked a little.
11:05 am: Yo Maxwell, you want some goldfish?
11: 21 am: Knut falls off the lift. I blame myself.
12:13 pm: Jeremy Estorga shows his off his “peace rasta tattoo.”
12:35: A good friend of Yobeat agrees to show this poor excuse for a tattoo if we agree to keep his identity a secret.
12:35 – 1:11 pm: I sit back and enjoy the show in front of me. The Boreal rail section continually changes as riders build new lips and figure out new ways to session the feature. Tyler Lynch does a front blunt 270 on a rail to bank feature, and Lucas Magoon uses his forearm as a stabilizer to slide under rails and firecracker down stairs.
Oliver: sometime during a Boreal session: I fall off a fairly easy looking feature onto my face. I am completely fine other then the fact that my dick has completely receded back up into my body and now functions as a vagina.
Oliver: 1:04 PM: As my first period starts I declare guerrilla warfare on my weak self-esteem. I run back into the parking lot and drink a bunch of beers with Brady, Tommy G., Shane R., and Dash as I formulate a plan of attack against myself.
1:21 pm: Ted Borland could not decide what his worst tattoo was but he decided his “Bundy Vision” tattoo would get the point across. He got it 3 summers ago by snowboard tattoo artist Big Mike at Mount Hood.
1:43 pm: I ravenously dig my hand into the Goldfish box. Forgetting that I had planted an ice for Oliver, I am left with no choice but to Ice myself.
Oliver: 1:50 pm: once again, I’m a bit turnt up. I end up straight airing a few big jumps as my previously declared jihad has refused to completely die, but otherwise, nothing impressive in the eyes of the general public is a result of this guy’s riding.
Justin: 2:00 pm: I load two ices into my mittens, a surprisingly perfect fit.
2:26 pm: Take rainbow lift to the Boreal zone and spot Mike Rav. I sneakily place my mitten on the ground behind him and take ten paces backwards. “Yo Rav, can you toss me that mitten?”
2:31 pm: Nico Cioffi’s most regrettable tattoo was a branded upside down cross. He later turned the cross into the “T” of Rutland.
3:18 pm: Sneak behind Hunter Wood’s foldable camping chair. I dig a small hole and put my glove over top of it. Ask for the glove, boom. Iced. It’s on vine.
3:30 pm: Spencer Schubert Hikes the Boreal Zone and yells “dreamworld” before every drop. Previously Ted Boreland and Ethan Diess may have lead people to believe that gapping to the bottom most landing was done and over, But Schubert took break neck speeds and landed Front Blunt 450 out and Front Blunt pretzel back to back. Egos have been de-cocked, and the game is now violently changed.
4:00 pm: For Nick Dirks, it was not his worst tattoo, but his best.
4:15 pm: Thunder storm closes the lift operations.
4:25 pm: Jackson Fowler wants some goldfish. At this point I almost feel bad icing him. Almost being the key word.
Oliver: 4:31 pm: I watch Justin play muff with a list of mine and everyone else’s favorite snowboarders. As he does this I walk around in the parking lot wearing a hoodie, my underpants, and a pair of sexy ass cowboy boots. I’m drinking a Smirnoff without having been iced because I’m a god damn diva.
Oliver: 4:40 pm: I am really bummed that I wasn’t called out for drinking a Smirnoff in my undies and cowboy boots in the parking lot by myself. However, the burn of having something so stupid having not been noticed is worse than anything anyone could have possibly said. Should I jack off?
5:00 pm: It starts raining really hard and the parking lot party scatters.
10:23 pm: Brendan Gerard says it’s not his worst but it’s his newest. He told me fathead bought it, as if I am supposed to know what that means.