10 Simple Ways to “Save” Ski AreasBy Brad Oates • Jul 30th, 2013 • Category: Features, Latest, Random
The industry big wigs, ski corporations and “snow sports” specialists have all gotten their collective panties in a bunch lately forecasting a dire future of plummeting resort visits amid a turbulent global economy and changing tide of youth culture sentiment. Who has time for two-hour rides to the hill, $100 lift tickets and the $1000 neon camo waterproof getup? It doesn’t have to be this way, folks! There were simpler times not long ago when you didn’t have to be a trustafarian, rich jock or be a dirtbag hippie in order to live the dream in the mountains. Here are some simple suggestions to right the ship of snow sanity and send ourselves back to the snow promised land.
This dude doesn’t need a discount. Image credit
1. Youth discounts: So, that rich 75-year-old, who retired at 57 and has two vacation properties on the hill gets to ride for $10 a day? Does anybody see the fucking problem here? Charge the old rich bastards more. Make it cheap for the kids to ride. Take a cue from the cigarette industry: Hook ‘em young, hook ‘em cheap, hook ‘em for life! Snowboarding is like nicotine. And I want my goddamn fix.
2: Make it cheaper: It’s at least $80-90 for all the big resorts in America these days. Jeez, why aren’t people just flocking to the hills in droves with all that extra cash after the great recession? Make it more affordable for beginners and kids and they will bring their friends, too.
Twins love two-for-one deals! Photo credit
3. Two-for-one Tuesdays: Only three to four percent of the population skis or snowboards. Implement two-for-one Tuesdays, buy a ticket, get your friend a ticket and 6 to 8 percent of the population will be sliding sideways in no time. Trust me. Resorts used to do this shit all the time before Vail Corp owned everything.
4. Let the dinosaurs die: Resorts basically have the same problems afflicting the Republican Party: They are too old, too white, and too stupid to care. Their minds are paranoid and foggy with Alzheimer’s and frankly they don’t even know how to put on their clothes, let alone drive or navigate their big SUV to the correct ski resort. Just wait for some of these old smarmy white codgers to die off. Old age, heart disease, cancer, alcohol — shit is taking its toll on the baby boomers. They are pissed off, going deaf, blind, getting more geriatric daily and they will have to start listening to us soon, as we drop them off at the retirement homes. They’ll have to lower ticket prices and make these places fun again. Get the fuck outta the way you ol’ two-plankers! There is a new sheriff in town and he did shoot the deputy, and no, we won’t kill it before it grows.
5. Trayvon Martin Day: Trayvon loved to snowboard. Some gun-loving, wannabe cop, in a gun-loving piece of shit state felt the need to shoot Trayvon to death over Skittles and an Arizona Ice Tea, Trayvon won’t ever get to ride a snowboard again. Let’s implement Ride for Trayvon Day. Any black people who show up at the ski resort to “Stand their ground” get a free lift ticket and double shakas thrown their way all day. Fuck racism. Fuck oppression. Fuck stupid gun laws. Fuck Florida. Let’s shred!
6. Seed the clouds: Cloud seeding can be done by ground generators, plane, or rocket. Dump the shit into clouds and voila! You’ve got rain showers. Rain showers become snow showers. More snow brings more people to the hills. Powder to the people! Another Ski Industry crisis averted thanks to mother nature, the military and technology coming together. Sounds like an episode of Transformers.
7. Snow Domes: If man can live in space indefinitely at a space station, if Tony Hawk can instagram photos of himself frolicking in a snow dome in the deserts of Arabia, then by the grace of God shall America be bequeathed a Snow Dome for everyone. Snow Domes from coast to coast. Shit, I’ll even settle for some dryslopes peppered about. With winter being more suspect as the years go by, snow domes and dry slopes could become the dry white waves of the future.
8. Desiree Melancon: Because the shred world needs more chicks who rip and draw rad porn art for all the world to see. Desiree, snowboarding and porn art — a definitive win-win sure to increase participation in snowboarding. No pressure, Des.
9. Shop Employee Discounts: Back in the mid-90s ski resorts would give season passes to local shops that would literally be transferable between employees and cost you between $5-10 a day to ride. It was a glorious time to be alive and to be snowboarding. Shop kids sell a lot of product and talk up a lot of brands. Riders and mountains — they can encourage the shoppers to come to your hill. Hook ‘em up, bro.
10. Stripper Mountain: Sex sells. Really really well. If this wouldn’t increase participation nothing will. Read all about it here.