Yobeat’s Exclusive Olympic Coverage: 4 Ways Russia is Gonna Blow ItBy admin • Aug 13th, 2013 • Category: Features, Latest, Random
It’s an Olympic year, which means even we at Yobeat, who normally don’t give a fuck about contests or National pride, are getting caught up in Olympic fever. Don’t pretend like you’re not paying attention and trying to secretly figure out which snowboarder is going to win a Gold medal and then make out with the Silver Medalist in protest ala the black panther solute of 1968. (We’re gonna go with the Boardercross chicks.) After all, It’s always the snowboarders that make the news. Ross Rebagliati and the weed thing (luckily that’s ok, now) Scotty Lago letting a chick suck his medal, Kazu Kokubo sagging his pants and pissing off all of Japan (The Japanese are normally extremely polite people so the fact Kazu is a rebel is even better!) But I digress.
Given our heightened state of awareness of the real world, we’re actually kinda worried about Russia and their general ability to pull off the snowboarding portion of the event specifically. Here are some potential issues we see:
1. It’s warm in Sochi. Way down south in Russia against the Black sea, it’s not just temperate like Vancouver, it’s “sub humid tropical” with palm trees and all. Sure the snowboarding will be held in a higher elevation, in a newly built Austrian-style ski town, but with all that global warming nonsense and rumors of midwinter temperatures in the 50s this year during January, things are not looking very promising for a wintery scene.
2. Vladimir Putin is a skier. And as we know, skiers and snowboarders have had some issues over the years. Since he also seems like a jerk, who knows if they’ll even let snowboards into the country.
3. They don’t know anything about snowboarding. We’re not saying no Russians snowboard. In fact, lots of them do. But apparently rather than using an experienced team, such Arena Snowparks again, who built the perfect courses for the Vancouver games, Russia has decided to go with “local contractors.” We can only assume these people will know nothing about snowboarding. And ya know, building a perfect halfpipe is an art form and it takes years to learn. Not to mention the slopestyle course. How sick would if people couldn’t keep speed mid-run? It would make it pretty tough for Shaun to nail his boot grabs!
4. And seriously, what about the gays? Illicit snowboarding pointed out that the anti-gay thing is an issue for Opening Ceremonies flamboyant pageantry, and if they can’t have the Opening Ceremonies, they can’t have the Games at all.
So what we’re trying to say here is Russia, get your shit together. We can’t wait to see if Lindsay Jacobellis can finally win a medal, or if Shaun White learned to hit slopestyle rails and we need the Games to actually happen!