Re-Tales: The 3 Most Common AssholesBy Jim O'Leary • Aug 30th, 2013 • Category: Features, Latest, re-tales
Apparently you guys know what size board to ride. Congrats! You’re smarter than we thought. So this week, Jim’s jut gonna vent. However if you have an actual question for someone who’s sat through every product clinic known to man, Jim is willing and able to answer with only minimal judgement. Email him below.
Just like being a pro rider isn’t all energy drinks and playing Lollapalooza, working in a shop isn’t only about proforms and “safety meetings”. Sometimes you have to deal with asshole customers. I’m not saying all customers are assholes, the overwhelming majority of them are average, unremarkable, and honestly boring. But there are two types of customers that stick out. The rarest is the great customer, who comes in with reasonable expectations, asks relevant questions, and at the very least listens to the answer when it is given. But I don’t want to talk about them, I want to talk about the trick ass marks that are on the other end of the spectrum.
The Cheap-Ass with High Demands
“I want this kit. I have $200, that cool? “
Some people just don’t get it. I don’t know if the basic concepts of economics escape them, or if they truly believe that they are such special snowflakes that their needs are somehow unique and superior to everyone else’s. I’ll give you an example: there are three things that people look for when they are buying gear. Upfront they want it to work. (If we’re talking about jackets they need it to be waterproof, they need it to be warm, and they need it to not fall apart on the hill. Totally reasonable expectations.) They also want it to be “stylish”, whatever that means to them. (It could mean super laid back classics like they just got off work at the mill and are hitting a few runs before going home, or something that makes it look like no one told them the 80’s ended. Whatever, I’m not trying to judge, in fact I think it’s awesome that you want to wear what you want.) But the problem comes in when you expect it to work and be “stylish” AND be cheap. Here’s the thing. Jackets that look good and work well aren’t cheap. The manufacturers know what they have and they know you want it. So they are going to make you pay for it. You know why the ugly stuff is cheap (or the cheap stuff is ugly)? Because no one wants it. There is no magical other jacket that does all three, and if there was we would have sold out already. The only good thing about these folks is they hurt themselves more than they hurt me. They are the ones with their brains shorted out when they leave, I’m still here and honestly no worse for the wear.
The Guy That Thinks His Mom Works Here
The same can’t be said for the sub-humans that can’t manage to take clothing off without turning it inside out. I don’t understand how a concept that I mastered in third grade has eluded them for so many decades, but it has. And for whatever reason, they also seem to be the people that grab every item in their size, haul it the the dressing room, and leave the unwanted items in a pile in the corner. Obviously you need to try something on before you buy it, but you really couldn’t narrow down the list a little bit before you brought it back here? In what alternate universe were you going to buy those neon plaid children’s pants? And now, because of your laziness I need to spend the next half hour turning clothes right side out, including the three-sizes-too-small base layer, which is still suspiciously warm.
The Late Arrival
The worst however is the late customer. Shop hours are not a secret, they are on our business cards, our website, outgoing voicemail, clearly marked on the door, and we volunteer this information freely any time we are asked. Yet somehow these putrid pus oozing sores on the face of humanity think it is totally cool to saunter in five minutes ’til closing, casually browsing without clear intent. When they are just window shopping it isn’t so bad, but when you see a Family Truckster roll up and a swarm of booger bastards run towards the door screaming, followed by parents grinning banally as their spawn make short work of destroying anything and everything in the shop, you have found a new all time low.
If you’re guilty of any of these things, please stop. If you’re sad because you’re an asshole and we didn’t typecast you, here’s another story where we probably did. And if you’re mad, well, you know what to do.