Longboarding: WTFBy Oliver Dixon • Sep 3rd, 2013 • Category: Features, Latest, Random
All photos via Tumblr
Is it just me, or is longboarding becoming more and more popular everyday? It seems like every time I go on facebook or instagram someone is posting about a longboard they just got or how they went â€œskatingâ€ today. I’ll get this out of the way early and effortlessly, longboarding does not count as skateboarding. Not that I have any sort of OG sk8rboi status being that I’m 21 years old and I fucking suck at skateboarding, but I love skateboarding, and I really don’t think sucking at it should be an excuse to not do it. Which brings me to the obvious bummer that I see on social media sites and all over college campuses — longboarding. It just doesn’t make sense to me! I can’t, for the life of me, figure out why someone would choose to purchase a longboard over one that’s a size that’s actually fun, other than one of two possibilities, 1. they haven’t thought about it enough or done their research or, 2. they want to have an excuse to never have to actually try anything challenging or scary (A.K.A. exciting), which, completely defeats the purpose of buying a skateboard in the first place. If it’s just a lame mode of transportation you should buy a bike, or roller skates, or a segway scooter or something. Literally anything else would make more sense, value-wise.
Some of the more obvious, easily defeat-able, reasons to purchase a longboard include the following:
It can be used as a mode of transportation: Yeah, but so can a real skateboard. Also, if you buy a real skateboard you get the added value of being able to ollie up things making it, realistically, a hands-down better mode of transportation than a longboard. Now the logical response to this, for a longboarder, is to say, â€œbut the wheels on a longboard are bigger/faster, we specifically buy faster bearings, and our boards and trucks are wider, making it easier and debatably safer than a real skateboard.â€ and my response is â€œoh, please, buy a fucking cruiser. Take the same concepts that you applied to your longboard and apply it to a wider than average real skateboard. Boom, same fucking thing only infinitely better.â€
Beware of longboard gangs.
It’s cheaper than a car and gas: a real skateboard is cheaper than, or at worst, the same price as a longboard.. So, you can go over into those rocks over there and fuck yourself.
It’s a good way for me to get exercise: Uh, hello, they both use the same exact mode of propulsion. You’re getting the same thing here.
There are also some less obvious, underlying reasons to get a longboard that may not be universally held by all longboarders, but could, theoretically exist for some:
It’s cool: Oh really? Fuck yourself. Fuck yourself long and hard with a screwdriver. You’re a jackass and I refuse to even argue with someone who thinks this because the comment section of this article, I am assuming in good faith, will prove you wrong.
Girls do it: Now we’re diggin’ where there’s ‘taters. I actually do see a good amount of girls who flaunt their longboards like they’re doing something worth talking about or admiring. It is totally logical to want to do what girls do, even if you’re a girl, because girls are often hot babes. However, I am here to tell you that your own flawed logic can be used to skate (real skateboard) along side these longboarding hypotheti-babes. Since they think longboarding is skateboarding they will think that what you are doing is exactly what they are doing and you can hold their hands and â€œteach them how to do that,â€ or, even better, you could actually teach them how to fucking ride a real skateboard. I hope, for the sake of my own enjoyment, that a longboarder would respond to this by saying â€œyeah, but longboards are usually faster than skateboards and so I might not be able to keep up with her.â€ Well, bud, that’s called survival of the fittest. If you can’t keep up with the babes then you should probably just be naturally selected. Now, some may take what I said as being sexist but I would also like to say that if the scene were reversed, and for some fucked up reason a girl on a real skateboard was trying to skate around with some guy on a longboard to try and get â€œthe dâ€ and she couldn’t keep up with him.. well, she’s probably still going to get the d. However, I’m still very disappointed because you should definitely be way faster than that poor, misguided soul. I’ve seen girls skate way way faster and better than me, and in fact they usually do but, people who longboard, and only longboard, shouldn’t be faster than someone who actually skates. That being said, I’m sure there are plenty of people who skate better than me who would probably be faster than me in, certain scenarios, on a longboard.
As extreme as it gets.
Now that you have had time to consider the alternative, the second proposed reason to purchase a longboard instead of a real skateboard needs to be addressed. That reason? To have an excuse to not try anything challenging or scary, but still have a skateboard. I mean, it seems like a somewhat valid reason right? But people who own longboards don’t ever seem to admit it. Perhaps they don’t realize that they have made a (maybe subconscious) decision to buy a skateboard with limited practical and entertainment value because unlocking said value would require hard work and scary things. And to that, I say, god damn it, you’re an American (unless you live in not America and in that case this article ends here and FUCKING GET BACK TO WORK.) where was I? Oh yeah, you’re an American, god damn it, and Americans do cool shit! And like, I think it was JFK said, â€œWe don’t do these things because they are easy, but because they are hard!â€ Sometimes, it feels good to accomplish hard things, no, it always feels good to conquer hard things. It feels even better to accomplish a hard thing when, for a split second, you put yourself in serious harm’s way. That’s why we’re here right? That’s why we snowboard. Because it’s sketchy and we like it. We like it because it’s hard to do, and it’s scary to do. With a longboard, you’re selling your adventurous spirit short, and no, it’s not fucking cool and it never will be. Real skateboarding is challenging but rewarding, its rewarding because it’s challenging. Every new thing you learn is a new cool thing that you can do that someone else can’t. As vain as it is, shit like that makes you a better person. Even if you’re just playing on a silly little toy like a skateboard,you fucking learned something today and no one will ever be able to take that away from you. So man (or woman) the fuck up! I once heard from a 28-year-old shape-shifting bulldog that â€œsucking at something is the first step towards being sorta good at somethingâ€ Yes, it’s perfectly okay to suck at something as long as you’re having fun and working on it but, to not even try and just stagnate? That’s fucking horse shit. What’s the worst that could happen? You learn to front board better on a snowboard by figuring it out on a skateboard? You’ve got this. Now get out off the internet and have fun! Every time you wish that you were better at skateboarding is another moment that you could actually be skateboarding. So just fucking go.