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Longboarding: WTF

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Is it just me, or is longboarding becoming more and more popular everyday? It seems like every time I go on facebook or instagram someone is posting about a longboard they just got or how they went “skating” today. I’ll get this out of the way early and effortlessly, longboarding does not count as skateboarding. Not that I have any sort of OG sk8rboi status being that I’m 21 years old and I fucking suck at skateboarding, but I love skateboarding, and I really don’t think sucking at it should be an excuse to not do it. Which brings me to the obvious bummer that I see on social media sites and all over college campuses — longboarding. It just doesn’t make sense to me! I can’t, for the life of me, figure out why someone would choose to purchase a longboard over one that’s a size that’s actually fun, other than one of two possibilities, 1. they haven’t thought about it enough or done their research or, 2. they want to have an excuse to never have to actually try anything challenging or scary (A.K.A. exciting), which, completely defeats the purpose of buying a skateboard in the first place. If it’s just a lame mode of transportation you should buy a bike, or roller skates, or a segway scooter or something. Literally anything else would make more sense, value-wise.

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Some of the more obvious, easily defeat-able, reasons to purchase a longboard include the following:

It can be used as a mode of transportation: Yeah, but so can a real skateboard. Also, if you buy a real skateboard you get the added value of being able to ollie up things making it, realistically, a hands-down better mode of transportation than a longboard. Now the logical response to this, for a longboarder, is to say, “but the wheels on a longboard are bigger/faster, we specifically buy faster bearings, and our boards and trucks are wider, making it easier and debatably safer than a real skateboard.” and my response is “oh, please, buy a fucking cruiser. Take the same concepts that you applied to your longboard and apply it to a wider than average real skateboard. Boom, same fucking thing only infinitely better.”

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Beware of longboard gangs.

It’s cheaper than a car and gas: a real skateboard is cheaper than, or at worst, the same price as a longboard.. So, you can go over into those rocks over there and fuck yourself.

It’s a good way for me to get exercise: Uh, hello, they both use the same exact mode of propulsion. You’re getting the same thing here.

There are also some less obvious, underlying reasons to get a longboard that may not be universally held by all longboarders, but could, theoretically exist for some:

It’s cool: Oh really? Fuck yourself. Fuck yourself long and hard with a screwdriver. You’re a jackass and I refuse to even argue with someone who thinks this because the comment section of this article, I am assuming in good faith, will prove you wrong.

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Yay! Girls

Girls do it: Now we’re diggin’ where there’s ‘taters. I actually do see a good amount of girls who flaunt their longboards like they’re doing something worth talking about or admiring. It is totally logical to want to do what girls do, even if you’re a girl, because girls are often hot babes. However, I am here to tell you that your own flawed logic can be used to skate (real skateboard) along side these longboarding hypotheti-babes. Since they think longboarding is skateboarding they will think that what you are doing is exactly what they are doing and you can hold their hands and “teach them how to do that,” or, even better, you could actually teach them how to fucking ride a real skateboard. I hope, for the sake of my own enjoyment, that a longboarder would respond to this by saying “yeah, but longboards are usually faster than skateboards and so I might not be able to keep up with her.” Well, bud, that’s called survival of the fittest. If you can’t keep up with the babes then you should probably just be naturally selected. Now, some may take what I said as being sexist but I would also like to say that if the scene were reversed, and for some fucked up reason a girl on a real skateboard was trying to skate around with some guy on a longboard to try and get “the d” and she couldn’t keep up with him.. well, she’s probably still going to get the d. However, I’m still very disappointed because you should definitely be way faster than that poor, misguided soul. I’ve seen girls skate way way faster and better than me, and in fact they usually do but, people who longboard, and only longboard, shouldn’t be faster than someone who actually skates. That being said, I’m sure there are plenty of people who skate better than me who would probably be faster than me in, certain scenarios, on a longboard.

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As extreme as it gets.

Now that you have had time to consider the alternative, the second proposed reason to purchase a longboard instead of a real skateboard needs to be addressed. That reason? To have an excuse to not try anything challenging or scary, but still have a skateboard. I mean, it seems like a somewhat valid reason right? But people who own longboards don’t ever seem to admit it. Perhaps they don’t realize that they have made a (maybe subconscious) decision to buy a skateboard with limited practical and entertainment value because unlocking said value would require hard work and scary things. And to that, I say, god damn it, you’re an American (unless you live in not America and in that case this article ends here and FUCKING GET BACK TO WORK.) where was I? Oh yeah, you’re an American, god damn it, and Americans do cool shit! And like, I think it was JFK said, “We don’t do these things because they are easy, but because they are hard!” Sometimes, it feels good to accomplish hard things, no, it always feels good to conquer hard things. It feels even better to accomplish a hard thing when, for a split second, you put yourself in serious harm’s way. That’s why we’re here right? That’s why we snowboard. Because it’s sketchy and we like it. We like it because it’s hard to do, and it’s scary to do. With a longboard, you’re selling your adventurous spirit short, and no, it’s not fucking cool and it never will be. Real skateboarding is challenging but rewarding, its rewarding because it’s challenging. Every new thing you learn is a new cool thing that you can do that someone else can’t. As vain as it is, shit like that makes you a better person. Even if you’re just playing on a silly little toy like a skateboard,you fucking learned something today and no one will ever be able to take that away from you. So man (or woman) the fuck up! I once heard from a 28-year-old shape-shifting bulldog that “sucking at something is the first step towards being sorta good at something” Yes, it’s perfectly okay to suck at something as long as you’re having fun and working on it but, to not even try and just stagnate? That’s fucking horse shit. What’s the worst that could happen? You learn to front board better on a snowboard by figuring it out on a skateboard? You’ve got this. Now get out off the internet and have fun! Every time you wish that you were better at skateboarding is another moment that you could actually be skateboarding. So just fucking go.

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Comments (141)

  1. Am I the only one here who enjoys skateboarding AND Longboarding

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 6
  2. Eat my shorts you longboard mongo pushing frat faggots. The snow will be here soon…

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 6
  3. Blogging about shit is gayer than anything you try and make fun of, let people do what they want and shut up

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 4
  4. Not that I disagree with this retarded rant, but this is probably the same 21 year old that made fun of posers trying to skateboard. And hates on how mainstream skating has become.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1
  5. hey guys!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0
  6. So, how do we feel about mountainboarding?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 3
  7. You didn’t mention freeboarding bro. It’s the best way to skate like a snowboarder. Its just so free!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 2
  8. how the fuck can you make a longboard edit? thats like making a carving edit for snowboard. check out my turns!!!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 1
  9. This article starts with “Everytime I go on Facebook or Instagram…” Why don’t you A. do something more productive or B. unfollow these longboarding kooks that snaked into your stupid social media feed?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1
  10. i agree the longboard hype has become way overblown, but that doesnt stop me from riding mine. its a whole lota fun bombing hills in my town on the longboard, instead of a skateboard. they both have their time and place

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1
  11. I fucking love yobeat, purely for these articles.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 3
  12. Who the fuck hired Oliver Dixon?! Go home Oliver.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0
  13. What. The. Actual. Fuck.

    I don’t know why this guy was hired, but you need to take a fucking step back an analyze your shit. For one, you obviously know nothing about a topic you chose to rant about. Second you make useless points that sound like a fucking 6th grader made, and lastly this is the most nonconstructive way to say “I don’t like what I don’t understand.”

    Longboarding is good for commuting, yes, longboarding is getting popular, yes, girls longboard, yes, longboarding is for pussies who can’t skate, no. Go fuck yourself asswhipe. First off, I’m a downhill longboarder who skated for around 10 years, and I can tell you right now that learning to kickflip was hell of a lot easier than learning to slide or do a predrift. I love skating as much as anyone else here, and followed it for a long ass time. But nothing beats going down a hill at the same speed as the car beside you. You say, for some unknown reason, that the only reason people longboard is because they can’t skate. Well news flash buddy, you are fucking wrong. Look up the tigerclaw on youtube, that is one awesome fucking trick. Not to mention shuv-its, early grabs (Old school ollie) and many, many more tricks. You sound like some fucking freshman in highschool who had a longboarder come up to him and pick on him, and you decided to make a bitchy ass article about it because you couldn’t handle the bully. Get on a skate board and go down a mountain, and you won’t fucking make it. But with a longboard this is possible. I reference you this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lV4urxaB_Kk Do that on a skateboard fucktard. Good fucking luck, its a crazy ass sport that takes a lot of skill and control to accomplish speeds like this in a safe manner. As for tricks, I reference you this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NGzVoONbC8w I did my research, now where the fuck is yours? I hope that this fucking site fires your ass. You are a piss poor writer, and you need to do some god damn research next time you call us pussies. Good luck with your shitty writing and skating. I’m out.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 8
  14. Id rather longboard than kayak

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 1
  15. Drew do we need to call a wambulence for you??

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 2
  16. Dear Oliver “God_almighty” Dixon,

    I will obey! I have seen the light!

    After over 40 years in the dark where I always blindly assumed that in skateboarding there are no rules, just have fun, do what you want and express yourself, I have come to realise I have always been wrong. I should have stopped streetskating because all I could do were ollies, railslides and no-complies. And even those were just mediocre. I should have quit riding miniramps because all I could were blunts, grinds, rock and rolls and other liptrick variations, while doing big ollies to fakie were much more in fashion. And I should never have even started vert.

    At the age of 25 or so, my interest shifted towards other pastimes, but I always kept my skateboard until I gave it away to young kid five years ago. “hey, have fun with it!”

    I didn’t use it anymore, but deep inside, I always was, have been and will be a skater. This spring, at the age of 47 I thought to myself, heck I want a skateboard! All I want is to pump and to carve. No more tricks, I am too old and too rusty for that. Just the basic feeling of skateboarding. Commute to work, have some fun in the evening in the park, etc. surf the sidewalk. Heck, I may even get some exercise while doing so. Better that going to the pub.

    How could I have been so wrong? I deeply want to apologize for my decades of misbehaviour. I never realised ” just doing your own thing” was so wrong. Please accept? Please?

    Anyone want a longboard? It’s a Superglider w Indy 169′s & Mini Zombie Hawgs. It’s in real good nick, only two months old. Maybe I should just chop it to pieces and throw it away.

    Max

    PS, small piece of advice to you Oliver “God_almighty” Dixon, are you aware you’d make a very good politician? Ban women from wearing jeans (real women wear skirts and dresses), ban motorcycles, ban gay marriage and especially ban longboards, just because you think you know better, better for us dumb fools.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 2
  17. how do people care so much about stupid shit? Oh that’s right, insecurity and ignorance breeds hate and segregation.

    Well I think DHers are pussies, the only way to do it is on a luge!

    In addition, the only way to push on a skateboard is to keep both knees locked and your kicking leg should rotate from flat in front of you to flat behind you, like a nazi’s march. If you do it any other way you are a complete kook and not a real skateboarder. Carrying the board is just as important, 3 fingers and thumb ONLY, if you get that 4th finger on there while carrying it, well you are a complete poser. Don’t get me started on what you should be wearing or color of wheels on your deck….

    Yeah it’s lame to see kids picking up longboards ( and worse pennyboards) cause its a trend and what the cool kids are doing, But that’s life folks get over it. Growing up, skateboarders/snowboarders set the style and trends that the wannabees followed, nothing has changed. All kids want is to be cool. You think it’s bad now, just wait, it will get worse; Street League, x games, the OLYMPICS, we are becoming mainstream as shit as time goes by.

    As I move on…

    I longboarded in college, around campus, OH NO! Well it goes like this, board over bike because you don’t have to lock up a board so it’s faster and I perfer to stand sideways. Next I rode my longboard over my skate cause I lived on a big ass hill and it was fun to bomb like I was on a snowboard, I really enjoyed it. Then between classes I could weave though people haulin like it were a tree run, also fun.

    Go enjoy life, and stop all this negativity.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1
    • Just to let you know pennyboard’s were the first type of skateboard’s to come out…no i dont mean the “brand penny” I mean the style (very short) soo were they lame?

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  18. I bought a longboard it’s cool

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0
  19. I started with a skate board and now i longboard. Gotta say i like longboarding way more and i never just skate anymore, i longboard. The high speed downhilling, sliding, freeriding is way funner than skating. But seriously, who are you to say that it sucks and that it isnt skating. You got no right to say that. Keep your shit to yourself.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0
  20. I DO LONGBOARDING!!! Stop me if you can!

    Oliver Dixon = LOSER

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0
  21. Stop hating. Keep skating! No matter what discipline you are, from free ride to park skating, snowboarding to surfing. Any kind of board is worthwhile.
    m.youtube.com/watch?v=-s3q4jVq9BM

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0
  22. What the fuck? longboarding is clearly a skateboarding style and you should respect it phagget

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 1
  23. Oliver we literally had this exact conversation hammered at jacks last weekend. Good times my friend good times.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0
  24. Only edit, it’s called Wrongboarding, kooks.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  25. “The comment section will prove you wrong” it appears all the comment section has done is proved your ignorance. You sound like the kid who hasn’t progressed skating as fast as your friends and you are losing respect. Good luck to you.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  26. If the haters of board sports world ran the industry (I cant believe I just said “board sports”), the industry would be dead. Longboarding though you may deem it “gay” help keep snowboarding surfing and skateboarding alive and well. These articles are so scene, and the reason why snowboarding participation is down. You are the same kid that chases all the young kids trying to progress out of the park you fuck bois guess what? the sport has no future…

    I have always hated cats of anarchy.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

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