Hot DaWgz n HanD raIlz is one of the loosest fuckin’ events I’ve ever been witness to. My past experiences there involve passing out in a ditch and waking up in a hotel room, ruining random people’s house parties, shooting shit with bb guns, and so much more. This is all before the age of 21 as a non-competitor. This year, I got to ride in the contest, and I’m actually allowed in the bars and stuff now, so holy crap right? Needless to say, there’s more to this story than just snowboarding. Watch the video for that stuff.
While getting beer on the beach we found the Snapchat world headquarters. I was pretty excited to see this so naturally, I started acting like a jackass.
I ruined snapchat forever with this one. Sorry guys. If it’s any consolation, I yelled “THANKS FOR HELPING ME SEND DICK PICS” through the window at some of the programmers working inside. They seemed startled. Then I tried to see if I could take a shit inside the building but it was a no-go.
Needless to say, I was excited to be reunited with my best buds.
We made plans to go to da clurb (the club) later on that night. Richie Conklin practiced his night clurb self defense techniques
Richie ain’t goin’ back to jail.
After that we had a couple drinks at Josh Whitlock’s hotel room. We decided that it would be in everyone’s best interest if we dressed up all fancy to go to da clurb. I put on a bow-tie because, don’t fuck with my money. I don’t remember much after that.
I did have a brief moment of clarity where I chatted with Ted Borland for a while about how I thought Bundy Vision was one of the more important things to happen to snowboarding. I don’t really remember what else I said to him. I think I asked him to jump me into the Lunch Ramp Gang but I don’t remember the response. I feel he probably just didn’t want to falcon punch me in the middle of a crowded clurb. I probably would have gotten dead anyways.
Everyone planned to do this at the clurb every night.
I spotted Michael Wick getting a cab ride home for some spoicy ladies and hopped in. I ended up sleeping inside of a house so that was a good thing. Shout out to the homie for saving my ass! That writ werk is a class act.
The next morning I felt surprisingly good. I thought I had doomed myself for the contest but luckily I managed to drink at least a large Farva worth of water before going to sleep. I felt good. It felt like… Christmas. I was really excited.
I met up with Jeremy (Estorga) and managed to eat a doughnut, fried zucchini, and a bean burrito for breakfast. That’s right, I was an aspiring champion. Psyche, the bean burrito made me want to kill myself.
Then, it was time to go sign up. Apparently they had stolen my diary and invited my list of top 40 people to watch snowboard and go snowboarding with. Then they felt bad and invited me too. Except Richie Conklin and Alex Cato weren’t in so that was a bummer.
So many friends! Photos: Skyler Riley
Then, it was go time. I took a panoramic at the exact moment I started to get nervous.
I found Beef lurking in the bushes. Apparently he was incorporating guerrilla warfare tactics into his filming style.
Jordan Small was killing it. I thought he and Borland were two of my favorites of the day.
About half way through the first heat I Marilyn Manson-ed myself in an attempt to be “that guy” and boardslide backflip off the pole jam. Instant karma had it’s way with me and I did a good ol’ fashioned half backflip. It murdered my organs, which was bad because I need organs. I played cool guy for as long as I could then nearly vomited blood behind the scaffolding at the top of the course.
The transfer rail was fun as fuck! I spent a lot of time trying to tame this hot bitch of a feature. I think she got the best of me though. That pussy had me hooked.
The pole jams were a bit too fast, and by a bit too fast, I mean I am surprised anyone could see the riders because that shit had us going faster than the speed of light. You pretty much had to land slam on the brakes the second you landed in order to navigate the course!
The birth-canal gap was challenging as fuck, at least for me. You couldn’t see the fuckin’ rail until you blasted out of that dirty little hole. I could never seem to properly find it but Tommy Gesme seemed to have a pretty solid relationship with it. He seemed to have it pretty figured out and that’s why he ended up being the champion of the world! That dude has a huge dick.
After the contest I was exhausted. I thought that I was just going to sleep for infinity. Then Jerm and Austin Stevens recruited me to drive their big dick truck home. They said they would compensate me with booze and tofu. I was down. On the way out of the parking lot I got to yell at some of the spectators that were leaving. “Check me out my cock is fuckin’ huge, look at this shit!” I had unintentionally drawn a small crowd and security was pissed because I had impeded both foot and car traffic so we got the eff outta there.
We got home and Austin made himself what he referred to as a “Mike Tyson”. Which was a mixture of a bunch of shit that probably shouldn’t be consumed all at once. The noticeable effect was him wearing sunglasses all night and making power moves. By power moves, I mean he had someone drive him to K-mart and came back with an electric keyboard, a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Lego set and a box of Frankenberry cereal. Let the girth of that sink in.. There you go.
Cameron Strand and I had a tender moment with Austin’s keyboard.
We inevitably ended up going to the clurb for the after party. I think we took the big dick truck and listened to Brittany Spears the whole way there. You know, goin’ in music. Once we got there all shit house broke loose. One of the first things I had noticed was that Ted Borland was in the same spot I saw him in pretty much the entire night before. It was as if he had finally sprouted roots and became a man-tree. I was proud of him.
Then I went outside to the clurb’s smoking area where even more people were hanging out at. Some guy got up on the pool table that was out there and it immediately started raining glass bottles on the dude. There was a light dusting of glass shards all over the place. Security had yelled “Hey, lets stop throwing glass bottles”, which seemed a little to passive aggressive to me. It was. Someone responded sarcastically with “Yeah, sure thing!” followed by another small onslaught of bottles and other trash. I went back inside because I had nothing to throw and the guy on the table got down.
I went back inside and shot over to the dance floor. “Pony” by Ginuwine was playing and Spencer Schubert and I started tag team dry humping people. We were ruining people’s nights by taking them to France. We Eiffel Towered them and we did it hard.
I don’t really remember much past that so we’ll call it a night right there.
The next morning was fricken awesome. I went to breakfast with Spenny and a bunch of other friends. We seemed to let our drinking slip away from us and I heard some really awesome stories. One of these stories involved the term “suitcased” to describe a stripper in Mexico. Then the ruling came down from some of the higher-ups that anyone under 25 had to take a shot of 151. You know, because it’s breakfast. About halfway through our meal I was texting friends to have someone pick me up because I already couldn’t drive home. It was about 9 am. It was also Sunday. By the time I actually got out of there I had discovered the following gem from this weekend’s shenanigans:
I guess the moral of the story is that Hot Dogs is awesome, my friends are fucking presidential, and that being 21 isn’t as bad as I thought it would be.
I gotta give a big shout out to Steven Jesionowski for hooking me up with a flight! You’re the man! Also to Knut Eliassen Over at Nitro/L1 for bringing me a board, fresh-ass new pants, bindings, and for getting me an invite in the first place. The homies over at WeatherMtn for keeping me looking handsome as fuck out there and always having my back! I know I mentioned Nam at Celsius before and I want to say thanks again to him as well as everyone over at Active Ride Shop for giving me the opportunity to have been in bear in the first place!
Party on girth.