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Hana Beaman’s Ballsy Hump Day

HANA-SSP-5_1
Photo: Crispin Cannon

When you think about female snowboarders who rip you think about Hana Beaman. No, scratch that. When you think about people who rule at snowboarding you think about Hana Beaman. She fucking charges. Lays it out there. Has huge balls and they are made of steel. She can huck the Mt. Baker road gap. Effortlessly. Large backcountry lines? Not a problem. She was the first and only female rider for Grenade. She drives a bigger truck than you, rides motorcycles, can shotgun a beer and possibly was a sledneck in her past life. The Olympics? She might go for gold and start another cold war with Russia. In an old sausage factory of stale weiners, Hana truly stands out and her influence on the last 10+ years of female progression in snowboarding cannot be understated. Most importantly, she is doing what we all love. Snowboarding till the wheels fall off.

So when did you realize you didn’t have any balls?

Probably when I was about four (laughing). I was like, “oh I am girl!”

How did you get addicted to the shred?

Oh man, I dunno? It was kind of like how kids go play soccer when they are little and just get into it. Snowboarding kind of became my after school activity and then I think when I was 15 or so i finally saw a snowboard video. I didn’t even know those existed, really. Whoa, thats crazy! People do this for a living? Thats kind of where my perspective on snowboarding came from, like “I want to do that! That’s my deal.” I got into the park. That was the hook.

Your parents were hippy ski bums, correct?

Yeah, pretty much (laughing).

You were raised in Big Bear?

Yeah, I was born in Santa Barbara but we moved to Big Bear when I was two. I started skiing pretty much that year. I lived in Big Bear till I graduated high school, then I moved to Tahoe for a year for college, then spent all my time that year going down to Mammoth, so I just moved to Mammoth and lived there for a few years.

hanabeamanPhoto: Ben Girardi

You must have gone to Sierra Nevada College in Incline Village. I have never met anyone who has actually graduated from there.

I actually know some people that have, but yeah I didn’t (laughing).

Does having boobs and snowboarding suck or would slamming your nuts all over the place be worse?

It’s hard to say. Having boobs doesn’t suck most of the time. Only playing golf, doing push-ups or trying to surf. They kind of get in the way. I would not know how to walk with those nuts between my legs. It just seems like it would just be awkward walking with that all the time. I think it would be more annoying having balls.

Most dude’s balls aren’t that big, but if you had balls they would be humongous. They would slap against your thighs constantly.

How would I walk? I land on my butt a lot so I would crush those things fairly often. I would not be a happy camper.

I remember the first time I saw an uncircumcised penis. It really scared me.

I don’t remember. That was so long ago (laughing). I was like, “Whoa! I have never seen that before!” I probably hadn’t seen a penis before either (laughing).

hanabeamanPhoto: Ben Girardi

1996! What was it like to snowboard so long ago. How did you cope?

I don’t know if I was snowboarding in 1996. I might have been skiing. I did a back in forth ski and snowboard thing for a couple years trying to figure out what was up. I would say by ‘98 or ‘99 I was snowboarding for sure.

Not really helping your street cred with this bisexual approach to snowboarding/skiing in your youth.

You have to play the field before you find what you like. Snowboarding stood the test of time, so there’s your answer right there.

You recently moved to Washington from Utah. Did the Mormons ask you to leave?

I wish (laughing). I moved to Bellingham because I ended up spending so much time up here. All the girls I would ride with in Salt Lake kind of all either stopped snowboarding, moved, got pregnant, or something like that. I had to get out of there. So, I decided to relocate up here. I dig it up here. Lots of rad people living in Bellingham. Vancouver is right across the border. It’s a rad place to be.

Did you move to Washington state because of legalized weed? Hana’s herbs would be such a hit!

Definitely not. My initials are HRB so I could just open an herb store. I would just be dealing. I wouldn’t be smoking. I can’t hang with the weed. I would just be raking in the mullah from all these stoners up here.

Girardi_hanabeaman_slc_utah_6986_130101Photo: Ben Girardi

Word on the streets is you’re preparing for the Olympics.

Yeah, I am preparing. We will see how it goes. I am just going to say I am getting my park game back in good condition to take it to the backcountry in February (laughing). It’s a preemptive strike on getting all my tricks and riding down for when I go to the backcountry I will be on point.

The Olympics. Will you be able to pass a piss test? Does peeing in cups scare you?

Oh yeah. I actually took my first drug test 2 weeks ago. I have managed to not do any illicit drugs for a year now, so that’s an accomplishment (laughing).

Can the Olympic officials just appear and make you piss in a cup, day or night?

Yeah, it’s USADA. The United States Anti-Doping Agency. You have to let them know where you are at all times. I have to update my whereabouts everyday if I go somewhere. That’s been the hardest part. They can show up any day or any night and ask you to pull your pants down and pee in a cup.

Sounds like you are on parole.

It’s like I am on parole. What did I do? I didn’t do anything wrong (laughing)!

Did they give you an ankle monitor?

No, we don’t get any jewelry, unfortunately.

hanabeamanPhoto: Ben Girardi

You stated recently you were “conflicted” about the Sochi Olympics.

I feel like I am an old school snowboarder here when I say, “I don’t think snowboarding should be in the Olympics.” Then there is that competitive aspect of my personality that’s like, well, if there is an opportunity to have, I should at least try for it. It originates from there. To see what Sochi is going through as a city, as an environment out there, it’s a little disheartening. It’s just this massive construction zone and the people that live there are just so up in arms about it. The way Russia is dealing with things – the anti gay statements and it’s kind of hypocritical of what the Olympics are about. I find myself going back and forth on that. Do I really want to be a part of this? Because I don’t think it’s essentially what snowboarding and the Olympics are. It’s not about the money, or the building, or the progress, or crazy amounts of money and time. It’s about the sport. I just have to remind myself that if I go I am going to try and root for myself and better myself. If I go it’s because I had opportunities and I made the most of it. I could go on for days. I would regret not trying, so at least I am trying (laughing).

Do you view yourself as a role model and how can we get more girls involved in snowboarding?

I don’t necessarily see myself as being a role model. Every once in awhile somebody will recognize me, or say something, or make a comment on one of my videos. It snaps me back into that idea that people pay attention to what I do, which I don’t think about on a daily basis. I need to do the most I can to get more girls involved. Just get people stoked on snowboarding and help the community we have. I would like to use my position in snowboarding to get more girls into it. I would encourage more females to get out there and try it. I am still trying to figure how to do that the right way and not make it some big circus. I guess do it a little more grassroots, organically.

Has there been anything from your PS. webisodes that you can share with the devoted yobeat readers that was just too gnarly for the internet?

Oh man, there have definitely been a lot of asses we didn’t put in the edits (laughing). A lot more drinking, too. Sponsors don’t want that stuff in there, so we take that stuff out. I wouldn’t say anything too gnarly. There hasn’t been a bloody tampon like there was in Too Hard. We keep it pretty mellow. A lot of butts and beverages got left out.

CC_03242013_Beaman_06Photo: Crispin Cannon

You’ve been involved with snowboarding a long time. I have to imagine you have had male snowboard stalkers at some point. What’s the weirdest request ever from a fan/stalker experience you’ve had?

I had a guy weirding me out when we were on a Vans East Coast premiere tour years ago. This guy was super weirding me out at the bar and was like insisting he could travel with me and he would be my board caddy, or something. It wasn’t the funny “haha!” it was like he was a little too serious. It creeped me out so much I had to leave the party and went and sat in the car for a few hours. It was just weird. There are definitely some weird people on Facebook that posted stuff. Dude, you’re cut (laughing!) I think guys just assume because I am on Facebook and I am open to talking to people that they can just hit on me or throw weird pickup lines out. What are you fucking thinking? You’ve got to edit yourself a little bit if you don’t know somebody. They’ve got balls for trying, I guess.

I was hoping for some restraining order type of shit here, Hana.

I don’t think people are that crazy. At least, I hope not. Those are like the motocross/skateboard people. I don’t think people pay enough attention to my snowboarding to be obsessed about it. Maybe if I did the bodies issue or some naked posing stuff I would have more weirdos creeping on me.

So, would you get naked for the money?

I would totally do Playboy for sure. If it was done right. Not sure if it’s an option, yet. I am not getting any younger, so… It’s probably going downward in my likelihood to do that kind of stuff (laughing). I try to get in better and better shape the older I get because you have to overcompensate for getting older, so maybe? Maybe in 5 years I’ll look freaking retarded hot and I’ll be asked to do that (laughing).

What’s your worst experience involving a snowmobile?

I feel like I almost killed myself last year. We were coming down from the second day sledding. I don’t know what happened. Thank God I had my backcountry pack on my back with my shovel in it, and my helmet on. Something went weird with my sled riding out of Brandywine. My skis just got caught going a weird way and I ended up on the wrong side of the track, up the embankment and I launched off and my sled jumped and rolled over me while I was on the cattrack. If I didn’t have a helmet or a backpack on, my shovel was tacoed. It would have totally crushed me. That was one of the most scary experiences I have had with a sled.

HANA-SSP-7_1Photo: Crispin Cannon

What was the highlight of your 2013 season?

Let’s see. I kind of erase every season. It takes me a minute to bring back up what happened. Going to China was awesome. I broke my nose, split it open, jacked my ankle up, but I had a great time. It was a super rad experience. Czech Republic was cool. These are contests, so more drinking and partying at those things, then if we were just filming in the mountains and chilling.

You’re such a contest jock.

I know, right? I am just hiding it will all my backcountry stuff. It costs a lot to look this non jock.

What’s been the key to Hana Beaman’s longevity?

I would say just being healthy. Not getting injured. I have been fortunate to not have a bunch of big injuries. I think just having that. It’s not set me back a bunch. I have been able to maintain some sort of progression over the last 12/13 years. Just enjoying it, too. I really do love snowboarding and it’s a challenge to keep it what I want it to be and what I enjoy about snowboarding. So, I think it’s a challenge to reinvent it and make it as a profession and to keep it enjoyable. Keep yourself stoked doing what you really love to do.

What’s your perfect hump day?

A nice little wake up to a delicious smoothie. Go for a quick surf. Come in and take the heli up to the top of the mountain. Get a few pow laps in and have a little apres afternoon with some buddies. Hit the steam room. Hangout with a bunch of friends and watch a movie. Then probably have a couple drinks and go out and dance till we fucking can’t dance any longer, then crash out.

Would you try to get humped on hump day?

Yeah, probably. Early morning. Morning style. Probably before the smoothie.

Do you have any Ted talk style words of encouragement for the yobeat faithful?

Do something you’re passionate about because if you’re passionate about it and you enjoy it, you’ll always be happy. If you focus on being happy, you’ll always be winning (laughing).

Besides lots of gold bullion in your future, what would you still like to accomplish with your snowboard?

There are a few other things I would like to do as far as filming and hitting stuff in the backcountry. I would like to try and spend a little more time in Alaska before I am done. Get some really good big mountain big lines up in Alaska. You have to find budget for that, though. Heli budget doesn’t come easy. I would like to get a couple other tricks in the backcountry in the bag and then I will feel like I am an accomplished human being. Or, will I?

Collen Quigley once said, “There is no doubt that at some point in the future Hana will live hundreds of miles from any sign of civilization in a single room cabin where she will hunt her own food half naked with bow and arrow… maybe a shotgun too.” Do you see this panning out? It sounds very doomsday prepper to me.

It very well could happen (laughing). I have been actually stockpiling for doomsday. I wouldn’t say I have a perfect bug out bag, but yeah, I have my camping gear and all that kind of survival stuff in a waterproof bag that’s ready to go in my closet right now. I could survive on wild mushrooms, squirrels and ferns for awhile. I think it would be more like I would find myself in a tropical zone drinking out of coconuts and hunting with a bow and arrow, though.

Be careful with the wild mushrooms. The Olympics might show up with a piss test.

I might be out of luck for the end of the world games (laughing).

Sponsors?

Ride, Vans, Rock Star Energy, Nixon, Von Zipper, Pow Gloves.

B-Rad from S-Cruz.
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Comments (10)

  1. that’s an odd looking kitchen.

    i’d obviously still smash..

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 17
  2. While I can’t blame her for missing Baker opening day for some park in Colorado shes make a point by stating she’s trying to go to the Olympics. Not too many have a golden opportunity like that. I’ll be rooting for her and when she gets back to the soggy NW at least she’ll still be the one and only girl to bs 7 the road gap. Hana is important for female snowboarding in showing that you don’t have to be young and dumb but wise and send it with guys and gals. I’d love to see any other girl come to WA and hit the road gap. I doubt it will happen ever again.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 1
  3. Ahaha why would Mormons kick her out?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 2
  4. If she does playboy…. She best get a spread. I’d be the first kid on my block to buy it.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 0
  5. The day Hana beaman poses for playboy will be the day I become a chronic masturbater

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0
  6. you are all sinners! now pay me a percentage of your salary and I will forgive you.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1
  7. She doesn’t need to do playboy, I just slapped the salami reading this interview, but for real fuck the Olympics and their drug testing, snowboarders should start our own inter-continental competition where you can do all the drugs you want. Furreal who gives a shit if some dumbass wants to do drugs and shred as long as its not performance enhancing (like weeed)

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0
  8. Hana Beaman would totally be a hot soccer mom!!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

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