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10 reasons NOT to move to Burlington, Vermont

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Burlington… oh Burlington, I’ve given you everything…. and in return, I have received nothing but the occasional acid flashback and a momentary case of the clap (don’t worry ladies, it’s gone, thanks student health.) Anyways, what can I say about the seemingly picturesque college town besides, don’t judge a book by its cover. Or, in this case, don’t judge a college based on the review of some kid you met at Camp Bisco.

Listen, you probably think you have Burlington all figured out. However, Burlington not the super chill, shred utopia you may think it is. My name’s the Yung Bachelor and I’m about to expose Burlington’s dark and disgusting underbelly. Yup, you heard it right folks, here’s ten reasons, in no particular order, why you shouldn’t move to Burlington, VT.

1.The University of Vermont

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Not only is UVM extremely expensive, but the University also requires you to live in the dorms for your first two years of school. Initially, the allure of booze, girls and freedom will make the dorms seem like a vice filled paradise. However, after you’re stuck in a forced triple for a year, your perspective will change. After all, most stereotypes regarding UVM are true, so one of your roommates will quickly make the transformation from sheltered high school student to heady rage master when he simultaneously discovers his love for plastic vodka and the Grateful Dead. By the end of your freshman year, you’ll want to get out of the dorms faster than Shaun White at an Olympic slopestyle event.

2.Champlain College

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-The University of Vermont isn’t the only college in downtown Burlington. There’s also Champlain College and it’s also very expensive. Although Champlain is a much smaller collegiate institution, what it lacks in size, it makes up for in smelly gamers and pretentious hipsters. Have you ever been vibed out by a graphic design major, rocking a Thrasher hoody, that you’ve seen pushing mongo? Neither have I, until I went to a Champlain party.

3. KETAMINE

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Rick James once famously stated, “Cocaine’s a hell of a drug!” I’m not downplaying the effect of cocaine on the human nervous system. However, I’ve never seen anyone lay facedown in a dirty bathtub for half an hour after a line of cocaine. Think about it, do you really want to live somewhere where recreational Ketamine use is common?

4. BEER SNOBS

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Supporting local business is awesome and Vermont has a ton of amazing local beer. Although, as someone who spends 40 dollars at a time to stock up on Bud Ice and 4loko, I’m not exactly the pickiest person when it comes to what I guzzle down my throat piece. For some odd reason, certain people in Burlington care. These people are Beer Snobs and they’re annoying as fuck. Just imagine that kid in High School who thought he knew everything about weed. Now, imagine that same type of person at a bar or house party, critiquing your choice of beverage. You can find these snobs pensively lurking around the beer cooler at City Market.

5. WOOKS

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Trust fund hippies suck, but they’re a lot better than the real thing. A wook has no real goals or aspirations besides getting high, begging for free shit and collecting heady pins to put on their cranial accessories. Unlike the collegiate trustafarians, wooks don’t have parental income to depend upon. Instead, they’re left with nothing but “good vibes” to get them through life. Besides, I’ve never seen a trustfund hippy filter a hit of nitrous through a dirty sock. You’ll most likely find these wooks lurking around the Church Street area of downtown. Never engage a wook or else he’ll try and sell you a bunch of “sacred” gems or something along those lines.

6.THERE’S NOT A STRIP CLUB

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Self explanatory.

7. FRAT DUDES/ BROS

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Honestly, I’m surprised that these Ronald Regan-loving, Jimmy Buffet -listening to, pink short-wearing brochachos decide to bro out in the most liberal state in America, but they do and do so at a growing rate. Typically, these bros love Newschoolers, Brooks Brothers, and club lacrosse. You can find these bros getting their groove on downtown at Rasputin’s bar with a mixed drink in one hand and an underage girl in the other.

8. LONGBOARDERS

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I don’t know what to say about Longboarders that hasn’t already been said, but I’ll give it a shot. In my opinion, longboarding is a lot like masturbating. Firstly, I think that if you’re doing either, publically, on a college campus, that you should be arrested. Secondly, I think that if you’re doing either with gloves and a helmet, that you’re taking it way too seriously. Unfortunately, longboarding is an epidemic in Burlington. You can find these thrill seeking douchers holding up traffic by carving down one of the many busy hills of Burlington. However, there are some “shortboarders” out here too.

9. EVERYONE’S A DJ

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-In terms of the collegiate community as a whole, not too many people like rap music. Well, a few like political conscious, “bush knocked down the towers”, type shit. But, in terms of music regarding wholesale cocaine prices, ciroq and molly, there’s not a huge following. What I’m getting at, is if you’re not hearing some heady jams, you’re probably about to hear a bass drop. Unfortunately, the popularity of electronic music within Burlington makes everyone aspire to be a DJ. Let me tell you, there’s nothing more annoying than a college DJ. To my dismay, I’ve seen em all. Yup, from “DJ JAZZY JIZZ” to “DJ KETAFIEND”, they all suck. The only DJ I’m partial to is “DJ NOISE VIOLATION”, because that’s when my homie Nice Mike hijacks the sound system at a party and maxes it out with Three 6 Mafia until the cops come and give the homeowners a noise violation.

On a serious note, RIP DJ A-DOG.

10. LANDLORDS / COAST OF LIVING

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The majority of landlords in Burlington are complete scumbags. A few landlords own almost all of the property downtown. Therefore, you’re going to live in Burlington, be prepared to pay a fuckload to live in a deteriorating house or apartment.

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Comments (170)

  1. Number 6 happened to me at esox. Needless to say never going back

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 5
  2. Top 10 list and not one PEANUT (P-NUT) mention! I’m a bit surprised

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  3. I live in VT and was in Burlington for a long time. I, personally, love it here. I have many friends who live here and cannot stand it, though. I don’t care because people live places for their own reasons. I love the quaintness for the area, and one of the main reasons I’m here is because of the nature (skiing, hiking, etc.).

    While I love a good beer, there really are too many beer snobs here. VT has some really great craft breweries, but again, people like what they like. No need to tell them what beer they should enjoy. Also I agree the cost of living is too high for a place like this.

    It seems that you just basically described UVM in a nutshell. While UVM isn’t the type of place I’d want to go to school, I don’t judge the people that like it. I love Burlington for certain things, and don’t care how other people feel about it. Every one has different specifications for living. I would not like living in a place like NYC or Chicago, would that’s my opinion and I don’t hate on those who love it there.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1
  4. Good, fucking leave then.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 3
  5. Sorry friend, your problem isn’t Burlington, it everywhere. You can find basically all of these stereotypes (with a little variation based on location) in ever college town or city across the country. Burlington’s an attractive area to live, however, no one’s making you stay if you don’t want to.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1
  6. Honestly, Christopher Keller is reason 11-infinity of why you should never move to Burlington. I agree 100% that it is a beautiful place. Sure, it’s a nice vacation spot and downtown Burlington has lots of wonderful (overpriced) shops and a few high quality restaurants. BUT NEVER EVER MOVE TO BURLINGTON. EVER. It is a terrible place to live, sure it’s not Compton or Baltimore or Ferguson, but honestly it’s not Elysium either. For starters, there is basically nothing to do if you aren’t legal to drink alcohol. So if you want your kids to grow up without being exposed to an environment where half of the town is drunk or drugged out, I urge you to look elsewhere. Although it does get better in the summer, if you are going to live here, you’re going to have to deal with these dumbass UVM college kids as well as the plethora of problems that come with them. If that isn’t bad enough for you, I hope you enjoy homeless people. Burlington has a vast array of dirty homeless begging for change so they can buy their next fix of crack. They seem to be increasing by the day, probably because of the “gentle” and “accepting” mindset of 90% of Burlington’s residents. In addition, the kid who wrote this was totally accurate saying that Burlington’s cost of living was high, but it probably wouldn’t be so bad if the Burlington School Department would get its act together. The BSD budget has been significantly increasing every year for the past ten years, and during the entirety of my time in the school system, I have not noted any significant changes. This kid probably went to Burlington High School, which is exactly why his spelling and grammar is atrocious. Seriously, if you’re in college, you should really know how to proofread by now. What doesn’t make any sense to me is that the budget increases by millions of dollars every year and yet I am still being told, “We’re too poor of a school to afford Kleenex in the classrooms.” I have noticed new office chairs being bought for administrators, while beloved teachers lose their jobs. This was all going on and yet the budget, and therefore the cost of living, continued to be increased. I never felt particularly challenged in the Burlington school system, even in my Advanced Placement courses, which are now being removed from the curriculum. I also do not feel particularly prepared to be attending university. And, although the administration and teachers in the BSD are supposedly teaching acceptance and open-mindedness, never in my life have I felt that my opinion was accepted, until I left Vermont that is. Burlington is a place that is constantly churning out pretentious hipster drones that are not doing much to help society, other than project their views on everyone else and shit on the people who think differently, such as Christopher Keller. As a final note I do have to say that this author really isn’t gaining any credibility by calling himself “Yung Bachelor”.

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  7. Sounds like the author is a huge whining bitch.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 4

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