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Crystal Mountain Considers Snowboard Ban

please note: this post is satire.

satire[ sat-ahyuhr ]
noun
1. the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.

 

Screen Shot 2014-05-29 at 1.45.49 PM

According to mass speculation on blogs and reddit, Crystal Mountain, WA may become the 4th resort in the US to ban snowboarding entirely from its slopes. Inspired by the elitist attitudes and complete disregard for facts that Alta, UT has held for years, Crystal’s management has been moving closer to the decision each season.

Following the recent Internet drama caused by a blog written by Kim Kircher –ski patroller and wife of Crystal owner John Kircher — about the inefficiency of snowboarding, it appears that Crystal has started the process to slowly eradicate it’s snowboarding problem. In February 2014, Kircher even went so far as to have a local blogger from NWbroweather.com’s pass pulled at fellow Boyne resort Summit at Snoqualmie, because things he allegedly did and said hurt her feelings.

When asked for comment, a representative of Crystal Mountain explained, “Kim wrote a blog post discussing a recent study on the decline of snowboard participation. This seems to be some sort of a hot button. Other writers who’ve brought this up have experienced similar abuse. As you know, journalists and bloggers are entitled to their own opinion but not when someone steps over the line into bullying and slandering unrelated parties. This hatred and negativity needs to stop, it’s not what this industry is about.” Kircher was less sympathetic however,  commenting on a blog post, “Crystal is a mountain more conducive to skiers because of the terrain–shallow cat tracks and depressions make it tough on snowboards. We didn’t make the terrain.”

Given more recent press about snowboarding’s decline, Crystal’s management can feel safe that this decision will have little effect on business and should look forward to operating safe, snowboard-free slopes from years to come. As of press time, Crystal is still open to all for one final weekend of spring skiing May 31-June 1. Tickets are $30.

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Comments (83)

  1. Fuck this cunt and her resort! Skiing is for faggots and ugly girls. She’s just mad because she caught her husband cheating on her with a snowboard instructor.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 41 Thumb down 7
  2. Finally they’re forthcoming about their operation. Out-and-out bigotry is much easier to deal with than the surreptitious sneaky shit.

    I applaud their honesty (as I hoist double birds high in the sky)…

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 24 Thumb down 0
  3. the terrain my ass the only snowboarders that cant handle it are the same gapers you see at any other resort you just dont see the ones who dont have this problem cause theyve been riding there there whole life and know the vasty of the resort theres alot of nice people there but the ones who arnt are the people with control and power and obviously money

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0
  4. Fuck Seattle!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 10
  5. and I thought Snoqualmie was ran by a bunch of retards..

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 0
  6. YE’ OLE’ POMPOUS PINNER ELITIST PROPAGANDA IS AT AN ALL-TIME HIGH THESE DAYS! THEY BE STEADILY RETRO-GRADIN’ AND GYROHATIN’ UP THERE AT THE TOP OF THE ZIP-COLLARED RESORT PEAKAGES!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  7. Hey Kim, remember that one night at the wood pile behind the elk?

    Fuck the kirchers.

    I dare you to do it Kim.

    See what happens when you ban snowboarders….

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 0
  8. No one rides there anyways

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0
  9. They thought a sixteen hundred dollar pass would keep the snowboarders away.

    Have you rode northway? Shit is priceless.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0
  10. This is not true whatsoever! We have never had anything against snowboarders and have no plans to have them banned, this is just ridiculous and totally fabricated. Don’t believe everything you read folks.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 29
    • Snowboarding is on the decline my ass. The same can be said for skiing because winters are getting shorter and shittier.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1
    • So NWBRO’s pass WASN”T pulled at Alpental because of his article? You can clear this up real fast here…
      By the way, here is the allegation, in case you missed it.
      http://www.nwbroweather.com/2014/05/taking-one-for-the-team/
      What say you, TE?

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0
      • That fool’s pass was pulled because he acted like a douche, and insulted and threatened the family who owns the resort. This is not a difficult concept to understand. The natural consequences of acting like that are obvious. The resort owners have power over that guy and he’s just super whiny about it. Guess he should not have called the OWNER’S WIFE nasty names, eh?

        Remember when you’d get kicked out of school if you fucked up? Well, that’s the case here, children.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
    • Hey Crystal, and any and all staff members there, GO FUCK YOURSELF. Good job trying to come in here to correct what’s obviously a joke, but doing nothing to set the record straight when your cunt of an owners wife publicly says she hates snowboarders. It’s too bad that avalanche your dumbass ski patrollers set off did’t wipe out Kim while it was at it. FUCK KKKrystal.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0
    • Hmmmm, perhaps this is a joke? The fucking top of the article says it.

      “This is just ridiculous and totally fabricated” Well isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.

      And Yobeat, KKK wrote that shit like two years ago, why are we bringing it back up? Or is there some new rhetoric this dumb bitch has written?

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
      • She got nwbroweathers pass taken away for his blog. News just broke!

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  11. well fuck you Crystal

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0
  12. Damn I hate going to crystal but riding in late may and june is so fun, really hope this doesn’t actually happen. If the owners weren’t such chodes I’m sure it could have a nice spring park too.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0
  13. My Pussy hurts :/

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0
  14. Nowhere in this article nor any that you linked did anyone discuss anything remotely related to Crystal banning snowboarders. You should stick to just posting people’s edits because every one of your articles is bad and you should feel bad.
    Kim and John are uptight yuppies don’t get me wrong, but there is a solid crew of locals at Crystal and most employees besides upper management are chill as fuck. The terrain is off the hook, and if you aren’t stupid you can sneak on the lifts pretty easily without paying their ridiculous fees. Once I quit working I said fuck buying a pass and got at least 25 days for free because the RFID system is stupid and easy to fool.
    And anyway who gives a fuck what some old couple has to say about snowboarding? I have never had a single problem as a snowboarder at Crystal. If you act as a respectful citizen should and don’t go around acting like a fucking dumbass on the mountain there should be no reason for anyone to even give you a second glance on the mountain.

    And if you are riding the terrain worth riding at Crystal you shouldn’t be seeing anyone else at all.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 16
  15. We wouldn’t be losing much. I ride here after Snoqualmie closes based off the fact its the only snow in the area. As highly as they think of themselves and as big of a mountain it is, the terrain sucks. I’d take Alpental/East Snoqualmie freeriding over Crystal anyday

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0
  16. don’t care at all

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 1
  17. Holy shitstorm. Krystal better find a good publicist to spin this one.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0
  18. Her feelings were hurt? Who gives a shit! That’s what happens when you post your stupid opinions online for the world to see. Obviously there’s gonna be a backlash. If you don’t even have thick enough skin to handle some negative feedback on the internet then don’t be a fucking blogger! If she wants to start pulling the passes of everyone who disagrees and/or speaks negatively of her then she better sharpen up up her clippers cause she’s gonna be one busy patroller.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0
  19. Anyone that says that Crystal doesn’t have great terrain is a fucking idiot. I love Alpy like its my little brother but there is no fucking way that Alpy compares to Crystal, not even close.It’s a skiers mountain, always have been always will be, just don’t fuck it up for the rest of the riders that could care less about petty internet gossip. Kim K, if you read this know that there are snowboarders that are just as good as skiers at Crystal that also have respect for the mountain and staff and NOT anyway associated with SkiersVSRiders debate bullshit.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 9
  20. This is what Crystal sent me:

    not to worry, there’s no truth to this at all. When I asked their editor about it, she said it was “satire”

    What the fuck Yobeat? Why would you post something that isn’t even true?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 4
  21. fuck all skiers and fuck all boarders who want to argue about skiing vs boarding. you’re as bad as eachother. make friends and shred, it’s all the same shit yo

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 4
  22. PEOPLE! This isn’t about re-hashed KKK crap, it’s about the fact that somebody (NWBROWEATHER) spoke their opinion on their blog site, KKK got butthurt and had his pass yanked AT SNOQUALAMIE/APLENTAL!
    The loathing for Crystal and KKK is understandable given what was said, but I guarantee you that MANY ski patrollers feel the same way she does, they are just smart enough to not publish it on a blog site.
    Honestly, her feels and thoughts are old news, but I will say, and what you should all be upset about, is her continued abuse of power to attempt to silence those who dissent against her opinion.
    And that, my friends, is why you should say “Fuck Crystal and Snoqualamie” next season.
    Send a statement with your money. Spend it at Stevens and Baker and other places.
    Who knows? Maybe we will see justice prevail yet.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 0
    • thanks for finally coming with correct comments.. Johny Utah…

      Drex paid money for his pass.. Taking his pass away for reposting her blog is fucking with his First Amendment Rights. FUK you BOYNE CREEK..

      and By Crystal MTn PR commenting for K.K. it has takin responsibility for her blog as a Crystal Mtn Voice. therefore a voice for Boyne Creek..

      Kim shouldn’t get so mad, petty and vindictive because some called her a cunt.. But people on get that mad when it hits close to home..

      SORRY KIM….. OK there i said it…. are we cool now? Please give Drexman his $$$$ back…

      since thats probably not gona happen i offer a personal note to KIM if you are out there creeping…

      the internet does work like your super efficient skis you can’t take it off it and put in the closet till next winter.. WE ALWAYS HERE!!!!!!!!

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0
    • The same people own both resorts, fool. OF COURSE they pulled his pass from THEIR resorts.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  23. Maybe whoever wrote this from Yobeat should go back to school and learn some ethics. Be transparent with your facts, prove where you found them.

    Here is a journalistic code of ethics: http://www.spj.org/ethicscode.asp

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 2
  24. As a snowboarder, a former Crystal employee and a patron of the mountain since I began walking, I’ve realized the Kircher’s aren’t very good with PR. One of the first rules in business is to not insult your customers. I buy a pass there now and the way she speaks about snowboarders is insulting to me. If I didn’t love the terrain (the good snowboarders have no issues getting around a “skiers mountain”), I would have left by now. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and nowadays anyone with a keyboard can post it to the internet, but when you are in a position that she is in (owner of a mountain), you should learn to watch what you say. It’s insulting and drives away business.

    On another note, I’m claiming insurance fraud on the Campbell chairlift. Kim dropped the bomb that took it out. I heard from a birdy that it was conveniently taken out by the avy 2 days before the end of the financial quarter and their accounting firm had to rush to report a catastrophic loss of assets on their taxes by the filing date… coincidence???

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0
    • Crystals long mellow groomers are perfect for elderly grouchy skiers, and lets face it Snowboards will always be a reminder to those guys that their glory days are over. It’s hard to pretend like your still hot shit, when your not, so the only thing left to do is get bitter and angry, then create fantasies/delusions for your self that one day snowboarders will just go away (here’s data, look there numbers are dwindling, this decline’s bound to last forever til they’re all gone!).

      Pulling Drex’s pass for reposting her blog post, really? All those angry comments weren’t his, they’re all customer feedback K.K. Funny she’s taking it personal instead of seeing it as a clear sign that Crystal has a lot of room to improve, even grown. Is Kim trying to be the Donald Sterling of the ski industry or something….?

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0
  25. Now I’m confused. Do I stop going to Crystal and giving them my money or do I continue to go to Crystal since I know they don’t want snowboarders there. She’s a tricky one.

    Maybe it’s all part of the Kircher’s sinister plan to keep snowboarders off the mountain. Make the snowboard community hate them so much that they just stop coming.

    Maybe I’ll just poach. Seems like the only logical answer.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0
  26. you should have read the definition of satire before writing this piece, because there isn’t a lot of satire in here. maybe read The Onion if you are looking for inspiration.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0
  27. Yobeat should die. Imma stop looking here. Over and out.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 5
  28. As a seasons pass holder at Crystal and a rider that started when Ski Acres was around I say don’t fucking go there if you hate it so bad. You think Crystal will miss you? Nope. Nada. Not at all. Quit your crying.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 1
  29. Kim Kirchner is the Donald Sterling of the Ski Industry. She needs to have a lifetime ban imposed on her for racial remarks.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0
  30. Crystal is a business and like any business has the right to refuse anyone service. You don’t own the mountain, it is a privilege to go there and ride or ski. Respect gets respect, next time blog under a alias and stay unknown. I will say this though, Obviously Kim K has more connections than any of you folk enough to get someone pass cancelled. I gotta say they probably had a nice chuckle when Mr Brewster canceled your shit knSigned: a fellow snowboarder

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 7
    • Here are the things you forgot:
      1. Crystal doesn’t own the mountain either, the PUBLIC owns the mountain. Crystal operates a resort on public land that is leased from the National Forest Service. So, in fact, any blogger guy (including you) “owns” the mountain as much as Crystal does.
      2. Crystal owns the equipment on the mountain, and sells passes to use that equipment. It also reserves the right to revoke passes for people who violate their rules or policies with respect to the use of the equipment or facilities. If someone is being a reckless ass on the mountain, or abusing the equipment or other customers, Crystal can kick that person off the mountain. They can’t revoke a pass merely because someone criticizes the resort.
      3. A rich and powerful person pulling strings to revoke someone pass at a sister resort (if, in fact that’s what happened) is elitist, arrogant, and probably illegal.
      4. Spending $50-$100 a day to play in the snow on public land leased by multi-millionaires and mega-corporations is not a “privilege”. The resorts are privileged to have riders and skiers willing to spend money to fatten their wallets, not the other way around.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0
  31. what the fuck is crystal mountain?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1
  32. Sumonkey, if your so upset about it don’t go there.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  33. The public owns Crystal? I wanna see you go to Crystal tomorrow and state that to Kim K and see how far you get.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0
  34. Listen to you little boys. Who stuck twigs down your cracks?

    Reading what you idiots have to say makes me think snowboarding really should be nuked and the ashes shot into deep space. It clearly attracts the lowest forms of human life.

    Seems obvio you are pretty jealous of this woman. Poor little powerless boys need someone to pick on on the Internet. Does life as a white twentysomething male really have you down that much? Hey, the MRA might make you feel better. It won’t make you any more powerful but you’ll get a side of delusion along with your entitlement.

    You make all men look bad. Especially yourselves, though.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1
    • Shut up kim^

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
    • I am therealcomeonsrsly and I just had your username revoked over at INSERT NAME OF FUNNY/EMBARRASSING WEBSITE HERE for improper usage.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  35. Ah, what’s the MRA?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0
  36. Where the hell do you get your facts? I live AT Crystal Mountain. I have never heard such a thing. I didn’t see Mt Baker hosting masters of snowboarding comps, Crystal did. As for Kim’s post, thats old news, she’s openly apologized for the comments. And yes, Crystal is not great for snowboarders. If you’re not an advanced rider, it kinda sucks. As a skier, snowboarder and a local I call BS.
    But please do boycott Crystal! Because I don’t want a bunch of whiny babies or big attitudes ruining my time there. I hear Snoqualmie\Alpental have an amazing snowpack and are open in November til June. Vail is nice I hear too, they don’t blow up lifts but smoke shacks.
    And why does your post say “satire” at the top?? is it because you made it up?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 3
  37. please note: this post is clickbait of the cuntiest kind.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0
  38. please note: this post is click bait of the cuntiest kind.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0
  39. Everyone should read mattgibson’s comments on her original post. He killed it.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  40. If you have a beakin… il show you where to find the crystal

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0
  41. If some fool said something nasty to or about my spouse and I owned a ski resort, I’d pull his pass without thinking twice about it and probably have a good laugh imagining the epic butthurt. Acting like a coward and a bully has consequences, kids! Time to man up and learn your kindergarten lessons, 35 years after most people learn them.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

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