Editor’s Note: This article was originally intended for run in The New York Times new “We Like Snowboarders” section. But the publishers discovered that the author is a complete idiot and doesn’t snowboard. Plus, Hannah Teter’s pursuits of saving Africa with candy are far more interesting.

The International Olympic Committee has found the inclusion of snowboarding events in the Winter Olympics a very valuable (read: profitable) addition to whatever the hell else is in the Olympics. Many snowboard events were considered in addition to halfpipe and whatever the other one is. Here are some of the rejects.

Sticker placement (two disciplines)

LV has this one in the bag!

-SBX/slalom/jock style: Judged on the net worth of the represented company (e.g., Chevy, Sobe, Totinos, Oberto, Dial, Exxon/Mobil). Points also awarded for stickers representing companies lacking relevance to snowboarding (e.g., hair care products).

-Hipster style: Judged on a “hipster” scale, where companies are awarded points for lack of popularity and association with cool kids. For competitors, timing is everything. The competitor must represent the company at a point in its lifetime where the only ones that know of it are kids who spend too much time on the Internet stalking Nima Jalali. Once the masses discover the hipness of the growing enterprise, the hip value swiftly declines. Another approach is sticker customization, where the competitors make the trendy move of rejecting conventional stickers by customizing them or doodling in crayon on their board. References to songs by deceased rappers and psychadelic-folk bands from the 1960s, as well as beat generation poets are awarded additional points.

Event was rejected because nobody wanted to give Louie Vito and Shaun White more opportunities to parade around looking like NASCAR drivers.

Undergarment endurance

Party Time Nate, totally trying to cheat

Contestants judged on ability to continuously wear the same base layer without washing. Criteria assessed are odor, appearance, presence of bacteria and fungi, and the contestants lack of social acceptance.

Event rejected due to rampant “doping.” Contestants were often found soaking their socks in milk and then plodding through dog poop. In addition, judges and contestants frequently fall victim to medical issues such as flesh-eating bacteria.

Snowbro grammar

Ability to use slang only intelligible to snowboarders (e.g., dude, bro, double-cork, SWBSLS@#%HW3*&$@^ERHCa80dsgSE2#KR, and the names of European and Quebecois snowboarders). Event would involve competitor speaking ad lib in front of a panel of judges.

Event rejected because athletes could not complete necessary event registration form, and judges refused to participate.

“Gnarlier-than-thou” referencing

LBS? Won that in 94!

Contestants judged their ability to reference how “rad” he or she is through the creative and sly mention of: number of pow days ridden, how big of a feature he or she rode, owning a split board, knowledge of secret stashes, association with Joe “Super-pro” Snowboarder dude, etc..

Event rejected due to difficulties in replicating the SIA tradeshow environment outside of Las Vegas.

Writing about snowboarding

Self explanatory.

Event rejected because judged materials were riddled with grammar and punctuation errors, and the ethical dilemma of encouraging me to think that my perspectives on snowboarding are valued. However, the tangential event “Commenting On Snowboard Related Internet Content” is very much being considered for inclusion in the next Olympics. Top competitors include Pete Wast, Anonymous, and So-Cal based industry dudes.

Editor: YoBeat and its contributors have needs and wants, just like anyone else this holiday season. But rather than sending off our letters to the big man in red using the antiquated post office, we’re giving this new media thing a shot, and hoping for better results. We know for a fact Santa is a big 30s Thursday fan, so hopefully when he checks the site today for the column, and finds this letter from Andrew Hart instead (the first of several to come) he won’t be mad, and will bring us everything we want this Christmas!

Dear Santa,

This is Andrew. How are you? I hope that all has been well in the North Pole. I have been a good boy this year. I didn’t steal a car, I recycled when it was convenient, I encouraged my friends to start t-shirt companies, I occasionally met deadlines, I supported the snowboard industry by making fun of it, and I didn’t go to church once. This year, I would really appreciate the following items as I know that they would make me seem a cooler snowboarder.

– A leash

– Anything that Mark Franc Montoya endorses. Super juices, doomed companies, sketchy hotels, you name it

– Major corporate sponsors

– A snowboard video that was PAID for at a shop, not downloaded from the Internet

– Hoodie and baseball cap combo. Items must have an obnoxiously big logo and appear to have been designed by Zach Morris (ala Saved By The Bell). Essential for mall lurking.

– More Louie Vito in mass media (i.e. spot on The View or Oprah)

– Dirtbag mustache, like all those Skelebury guys have

– Hannah Teter’s treats (i.e. syrup, ice cream, villages in Africa)

– A power wheel. Seriously, I’ve been asking for over half my life. What’s it going to take?

– Skullcandy’s new deluxe edition pilot’s helmet — Complete with Bluetooth, wifi, Rockstar dispenser, dreadlock extensions, and Rasta colors

– A new Omatic snowboard courtesy of Mr. Todd Richards. Preferably, a model with with candy cane graphics, and an absurd name like “duderadicalness”

– Davey and Goliath’s Snowboard Christmas. According to reviews, everyone’s favorite Christian-values champions Davey and Goliath let down JC big-time in this extreme installment. Quote an angry Amazon.com reviewer, “It was a great letdown that the Clokey family and the Lutheran Church succumbed to this poison to society.”

– A pair of snowboard pants that are “en vogue” for more than a month

Thank you very much for considering my requests. If this is too much to ask, could you please give me the email address of Moses or Sun Myung Moon so that I could ask them? Thanks!

Sincerely,

Andrew

Hello again snowboard land. I regret for being out of touch, as I have been focusing on climbing the retail clerk ladder at Zumiez. But I am compelled to share some thoughts on selecting snowboard equipment as the season change and my sales shift from board-shorts to beanies.

Pairing a kid with snowboard gear used to be straight-forward. If he is wearing a bunch of G-Unit/fancy baseball cap stuff give him some pro model board. Just like with basketball shoes, all the hood kids like that signature stuff. If the customer is wearing a vest and “accessories” such as feathers, give him a board that looks like it was designed by a six year old. 
 
But now, kids are coming with their own set of criteria for their equipment purchases. They are interested in crap like side-cut and bonus features. I can only attribute this to the abundance of “Product Reviews” from Internet sites such as Yobeat and Shayboarder. Thanks a lot assholes. Now I have to work for those commission incentives.

But a word to the wise, these product reviews should be taken with a grain of salt. Many of the claims of product reviews are bogus and lack any relevance to picking equipment. Here is what you need to remember when doing research for your next Mom and Me Shopping Spree.

•    It is unlikely that the reviewer actually tested the equipment. Rather, they read the product catalog and went from there.

•    Regardless of any claim, the reviewer was compensated for the publicity they gave the company.

•    Reviewees know that regardless of whether the reviewer liked the product or not, the reviewer will not acknowledge any negative aspects of the gear. Doing so would recant the potential of receiving free product in the future. Plus, you wouldn’t want to hurt your bro’s feelings.

•    The terms sidewall, camber, forward lean, effective edge etc. are all nonsense. The only thing that matters is the brand name.

•    Instead of reviews that make claims such as “quick edge-to-edge, stable at speed” etc., look for reviews that use hip lingo like “buttery.”

•    The more claims of “New Technology” the better. For 2010, look for reverse-reverse Wi-Fi capabilities.

•    The only “Product Reviews” you should consult are the ones conducted by some sort of celebrity or cool kid. Who cares if the Official Snow Sport Industry Association Organization Council Review Board liked the thing? Does the Council get a lot of chicks? No. But if Nick Lipton or Party Time Nate give it a thumbs up, you are good as gold.

Purchasing snowboard equipment is a complex and critical aspect of snowboarding. In fact, purchasing new gear and toting it around the mall is probably the best part of snowboarding. So I encourage you to heed my review guidelines, and remember when purchasing snowboard gear, hype over quality.

There are many rites of passage in snowboardumb — first pow slash, losing your wallet on the slopes, “experimenting” with skinny snow pants, realizing that you are not that good — but perhaps the most momentous is starting your own snowboard “lifestyle” company. Even in these uncertain economic times, the demand for further saturating the snowboard industry with unoriginal companies is huge. In fact, economic experts agree that the key to surviving the lingering recession is to look for creative niches in thriving industries (Ed. Note: While the vitality of the snow industry is debatable, it is unlikely that your grassroots business endeavor would stand a chance in another industry, so you should stick to snowboarding). To aid you in the process of fulfilling your obligation as a snowboarder, Yobeat offers these tips.

Come up with clever name and logo. Before you have any sort of business plan, it is crucial to establish an identity. You have a couple of options in terms of naming your company. A popular route is a name that reflects your heritage, demographic, or place of snowboard. Another option are acronyms. And still another choice some witty combination of the words “shred, ride, snow, mountain, board, rad, pow, bro” or a word that you don’t know the meaning of. As far as a logo, just make a few tweaks to a preexisting logo and call it good.

Develop product. This is the easy part. Were it any other industry, you would have to do some serious brainstorming to come up with a unique product to sell in a time when no one wants to spend. But not in the snowboard industry. Snowboarders despise originality. All you need to do is select a product already offered by one of the thousands of other companies already out there. As it is unlikely that you have any financial backing or entrepreneurial savvy, hardgoods, outerwear, and accessories are not options. That means you will be making t-shirts! Hooray! All snowboarders like t-shirts. Especially crappy t-shirts made by their bros that they can claim to be sponsored by. Remember to cut costs by sourcing overseas (i.e. sweatshops) for your materials and that instead of having your goods professionally printed, you can just use some spray paint and markers.

Build a team. Because there isn’t a chance in hell that you are actually going to sell any product, it is important that you give away your goods to your bros. If your bro can do more than three tricks on a snowboard, bring him or her on as a “team rider” to spread the word about your sweet company. A lackluster team is an invaluable component of marketing your company. In addition to establishing credibility for your business, team riders serve as liasions to inform other people you already know of your company. This allows them to join the team and get free shirts as well.

Marketing. While most businesses devote much of their budget to marketing, we know that it is unlikely that your parents will pay to have stickers made for you. But the Internet has made it possible for anyone with an email address to share their company with the world. Create profiles for your business on social networks (e.g. Myspace, Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, Flickr) and start a blog. Customize your profile and blog with a sweet background, wild widgets, videos and photos of team riders, and embed a music player with tracks by bands like Avenged Sevenfold and Saves The Day. Then spend an hour or two adding all of the friends of other snowboarders. Now that your profile and blog are constructed, forget the password to your account and never update it. There you have it: Marketing 2.0. Why waste time and money with an MBA when you have the Internet?

It’s as easy as that folks. A sure-fire strategy for snowboard significance. Note that nowhere in our business plan is there any mention of sales or generating revenue. That is not the goal here. The goal is to kill some time, occupy Internet space, and give your bros some shirts.

A recent issue of Time magazine featured a cover-story by Steven Johnson on “How Twitter Will Change The Way We Live.” Johnson argues that “The most fascinating thing about Twitter is not what it’s doing to us. It’s what we’re doing to it.” Indeed, the impacts of the new social-networking/micro-blogging format are fascinating. But being snowboarders, why the hell should you care about anything besides what the sickest new teaser is, or when the new all-over-print Easter Egg colorway sweater is coming out? Here are reasons why Twitter is the best* thing to happen to snowboarding. Ever.

• More Internet snowboarding means less time real snowboarding. Yes!
• Yobeat is on Twitter.
• It is the new Myspace. Twitter is a free, easy-to-use tool that can help you promote your sweet t-shirt/rail jam company.
• Your favorite pro snowboarders (i.e. Louie Vito, Josh Sherman) are on Twitter. Now you can find out how many push-ups they did at gym and how they are partying with some C-list celebrity.
• In “following” your favorite pro snowboarder, you create the illusion that you are at long last, friends with a pro.
• Looking to examples of fellow action sport types on Twitter, the potential entertainment that would come with more snowboarders on Twitter is immense. Let’s examine Twitter’s role in skateboarding. Recently, the Twitter community found out that Rob Dyrdek partied with John Mayer and may have had his stomach pumped. Ryan Sheckler keeps us in the loop with what department stores will carry his clothing line and what absurd tattoo he just had inked. Jereme Rogers let the Twitter world know that he took mushrooms, preached from a rooftop and now has retired from skateboarding. Just think about the inane things that pro snowboarders could Tweet…
• It is another way to open yourself up to a flood of press releases from mega-corporations looking to capitalize on Generation Y announcing their newest collaboration project.
• You could have interviewed Bjorn Lienes yesterday. But it’s too late now. You blew it.
  Sarah Morrison is on Twitter.
• The limitation to 140 characters per Tweet makes Twitter ideal for snowboarders, as most snowboarders are illiterate, semi-retarded, and trying to use a bunch of nonsense “street” slang.

Of course, the true beauty of Twitter is that you make what you want of it. You could throw a Twitter party: a party organized on Twitter, where participants meet, but interact solely through Twitter. Or you could register for an account and never use it. Regardless, Twitter is undoubtedly the best* thing to happen to snowboarding, perhaps even mankind.

*worst?

The continuous stream of of bankruptcies and snowboard companies for sale on Craigslist is approaching overwhelming volumes. The cries of stressing “industry dudes” emanating from Southern California is near deafening. Can the snowboard industry be rescued from its precarious position? Or will industry dudes be forced to buy second-hand surf boards and cut back on all the Wahoo’s lunches?

There is hope — and it works for free: the intern. Internships have played an instrumental role in the history of human civilization. The pyramids were built by interns that wore sandals. Political officials depend on interns for “special projects.” In short, without interns to perform the bullshit tasks nobody wants to do, the world would cease to turn.

The problem with the snowboard industry is that companies have strayed from relying on interns to fuel their business. Because interns can be annoying, snowboard companies have tried to use “interns” in China. But humans rights groups have insisted that these workers be compensated. And much revenue has been lost to hooking up bros up with jobs after they were laid off from Blockbuster. If the snowboard industry is to survive these trying times, it must return to the tried and true intern. As an experienced intern I can attest to the effectiveness of using interns, and their value to the snowboard industry.

• More often than not, interns are youthful and consume a lot of energy drinks. While this gives them the intelligence of a squirrel, their productivity levels are off the charts. Plus, they can keep you up to date with what the cool kids are wearing.
• Interns will perform anything asked of them. Anything. Simply give them stickers once in a while to keep them going.
• And for those projects that might include risk of death or illegal acts, simply hint that there is a chance they might meet a pro snowboarder and consider it done.
• For some reason, society (i.e. parents and teachers) consider internships a good thing.
• Occasionally, interns know how to work Excel and can perform simple algebraic functions, in which case they can manage company finances.
• Ever heard of the AFL-CIO or Worker Rights? Neither have interns.

So before you abandon ship and post your snowboard company up on Craigslist, consider posting a call for interns. Remember to include the false promise of “opportunities for career advancement” — it keeps the parents and teachers happy. Yes, there is hope for the snowboard industry, and it isn’t more rail jams.  Viva la intern.

Interns-to-be, stay tuned for “Why interning is for you!

Mascot party. photo courtesy Spacecraft Clothing.

If you’ve been to an event in the Northwest, you’ve seen the Spacecraft Bunny. But you may wonder, who is the bunny? What’s the tail behind the ears? Well, your friends at YoBeat set out to find out.

Yobeat: Are you a mascot? Or are you just a weirdo in a bunny suit?

Bunny: Negative. Bunny suit? This is all natural! I am one hundred percent bunny!

Yobeat: Does the bunny have a name?

Bunny: I was born Clarence Gene Montgomery, but now I just go by Spacecraft Bunny.

Yobeat: Why a bunny? Bunnies aren’t very strong or anything. From what I can tell, all they do is eat and poop pellets.

Bunny: Why a bunny? It just makes sense… Dude, pellets are for those little sissy bunnies. I’m kinda like popeye, mild mannered ’til I get my spinach–except my spinach is booze.

Yobeat: How did the bunny come to be? Did Spacecraft find you? Were you a wild bunny?

Bunny: I am originally from Reno, but I joined a death metal band and toured the east coast. Things didn’t work out and I ended being a roadie for some hesh band, traveling from dive bar to dive bar. When I came to Seattle, I met Spacecraft. They liked how I partied, and I liked their stickers. The rest is history. I’m actually going through my memoirs right now and trying to compile a book: The Life and Times Of The Spacecraft Bunny. One day…

Bunny power. photo courtesy Spacecraft Clothing.

Yobeat: Is there only one bunny?

Bunny: Just me, but I get around. I spend a lot of time in Colorado and New York, but I live here in the Northwest.

Yobeat: How old are you? How long do you expect to live?

Bunny: Age is in the mind, I will live forever, some way or another.

Yobeat: Do you snowboard?

Bunny: Hell yeah. Some days I rip more than others.

Yobeat: What are your responsibilities to Spacecraft?

Bunny: Party.

Bunny homies. photo courtesy Spacecraft Clothing.

Yobeat: What is a bunny’s hygiene like?

Bunny: Usually consists of not showering, brushing my teeth with Jack Daniels, and rolling around in dirt or whatever else is on the floor.

Yobeat: Who are some notable people you have met?

Bunny: I get around. I’m social butterfly in a pretty elite social crowd. Just kidding. But I’ve been to some parties with celebrities. I snuck on stage at Pennywise this last year. They were cool, I got to rock out for a couple songs.

Yobeat: Have you ever been abused? Please share a story.

Everyday. People either want to fight me or grope me. I prefer the latter because I’m a lover. One time this dude tackled me pretty hard in front of a Zumiez party. But then when he wasn’t looking five minutes later, I tackled him from behind. It was awesome, he didn’t even see it coming. His face totally whipped into the concrete, I thought I killed him, but he laughed so it was cool…

Yobeat: Have you ever been in trouble with the law?

Bunny: I’m not at liberty to say.

Yobeat: What is a bunny’s favorite drink?

Bunny: Anything tasty that gets the buzz going.

Yobeat: Why don’t more companies have mascots?

Bunny: I’m not a mascot! You mean why don’t other companies have cool party ambassadors? I don’t know but don’t tell Spacecraft that, I told them that all companies have a mandatory party ambassador, like it’s a law or something.

Yobeat: Have you met any other mascots (e.g. Stepchild Chi Guy, The Dingo, Burton monkey thing, Geico gecko, Lib Tech banana, bald eagle, Louie Vito)?

Bunny: What the hell is Chi Guy? The Dingo is definitely a mascot! He tried to front once, but I’d drop a fool. Bananas are cool, I hang with those guys all the time, they know how to party. Isn’t everyone at Burton a monkey thing?

Yobeat: If the bunny could make out with any other mascot, which one would it be?

Bunny: Is Paula Abdul a mascot?

Bunny jib. Photo Greg Miller.

Yobeat: What does the bunny think about Obama?

Bunny: I’m for him.

Yobeat: Have you ever seen bunny porn?

Bunny: Is that like Kitty Porn?

Yobeat: Any advice you can give the kids who want to be bunnies too?

Bunny: How would a kid morph into a bunny?

Yobeat: What is next for the bunny?

Bunny: Conquering the world.

Bunny skillz. photo courtesy Spacecraft Clothing.

Shaun White is famous. Someday, this could be you!

Though many snowboard careers begin with pure motivations–fun, adventure, being outdoorsy, inability to skate, getting babes–these drivers of shred are soon replaced by other, less laudable incentives. After spending enough time snowboarding on the hill and on the Internet, it is inevitable that your primary goal becomes like everyone else’s: fame. Why this is will have to be discussed at a later time. It is far more pressing that you develop strategies to “make your mark in snowboard land.”

1. Become a good snowboarder. This requires going to summer camp or some academy, learning fancy tricks, losing a substantial amount of brain cells, and wearing peculiar attire–like a backwards sweatshirt, hockey gloves, or velvet.

2. Invent something. I am still waiting for someone to make a  View-Master goggle. Y’know, so you could press a button and change the lens tint, and maybe throw in a picture of the Grand Canyon or something.

3. Start a t-shirt company. Similar to inventing something, except you aren’t inventing a product. You’re inventing a lifestyle…man. This is a popular option. All you need to do is buy some plain t-shirts, spray paint them with a goofy word or picture, create a Myspace page, and bill yourselves as “core.” Then sit back and watch the money pile up. Kids can’t resist a t-shirt.

(Get your own Lurker Tee here!)

4. Lurk. Mind you, this doesn’t mean lurk just anywhere. You should lurk where hot-shot snowboard types congregate. These locales include cubicles, rail jams, tropical islands, coffee shops, their friend’s house, and non-mountainous regions. The goal here is to overhear what they are talking about. Then, you can repeat what they said to your friends, and your friends will think that you are a hot-shot. There is also the potential for sneaking in the background of a photo.

5. Start a blog. This is a good one. A blog is a place on the Internet where you can make spelling and grammatical errors, write libelous statements, steal photos, regurgitate stupid press releases, and pretend that snowboard gossip is important. It is really fun. And guess what else? You can write e-mails to event PR officials calling yourself “media” and get a cool name tag that lets you stand INSIDE THE FENCE at competitions. That’s right, inside.

6. Pioneer your own path to fame. This is just a spattering of ideas to get you going down the road towards the snowboard stardom. Get creative and come up with your own. There is no right or wrong way to do it, because in the end, we are all still just a bunch of silly snowboarders.

Happy Trails!

Nothing says fun like a bunny and boardin’! Photo Greg Miller

I cannot tell you how ashamed I am that my homecoming post to Yobeat is about a goddamn rail jam. I fear it is a sign that I am forever doomed to watching little kids goof around pieces of metal hoping to win a T-shirt. But attempting to accept my sorry fate, I lugged my lazy ass up to the Summit at Snoqualmie for the “Kinko de Mayo ” rail jam fiesta-palooza. Actually, Greg Miller lugged my ass up to the hill; I wanted to sleep in. But there was the lure of free tacos.

It was raining in Seattle, which usually is a good sign that it is full-on spring break at the mountain. But ten miles from the mountain, it was still raining. And at the mountain it was raining, plus there was a rail jam going on. God, make it end.

Despite the weather, there were all kinds of folks up at the hill. Dudes from the Summit at Snoqualmie, Snowboy Productions, Spacecraft, Nitro Snowboards, Ashbury, Skullcandy, Grenade, and Zumiez (cool?) were there. Actually, they probably all weren’t there, because it was raining. The suckers that got stuck in the rain were: the always charming Ryan Garvie of Nitro, Ashbury, and the mean streets of Seattle; Captain Johan of C3, along with his sons who snowboard far better than me (all while being one-third of my height); the unstoppable duo of Ryan Davis and the Spacecraft Bunny; other industry-type people that I don’t know; some good snowboarders, whose presence begged the question, “Don’t you have better things to do than snowboard in this thing?”; a bunch of little kids; the parents of little kids, who all got really wet but still cheered their youngin’s on; and then Greg and me. Party on.

Jibbing is serious business. Photo Greg Miller.

Now it is time for my FAVORITE part of writing about rail jams: the snowboarding part. The riders could hit all kinds of things made out of metal and plastic, including a taco-box, down-flat-down rail, and some propane tank things. Of course, I didn’t touch any of this stuff because I don’t want to get the pig flu. As for tricks and whatnot, I can’t really remember much of that stuff. I am sure that a bunch of little kids did wacky slides while wearing large helmets that make them look like astronauts. There was one little munchkin that had a poncho and a mustache. He was a winner in my book. There also was a guy that decided instead of winning the jam with technical maneuvers, he would instead crash into the other contestants and send them home injured. Smart dude.

Snoqualmie’s favorite sons Austen Sweetin, Austin Hironaka, Ivan MarCINKO and Yudo Kurita were there doing tricks. A highlight was when the Spacecraft astronauts got the terrific idea to have some of the more competent snowboarders fly through the air and whack the Spacecraft bunny’s head. Austin Smith showed up to join the Austin party and greased some rails. Sadly, he had to give his snowboard to a kid that out-backlipped him. This kid, will now be the coolest kid in his high school. I am sure that 20 years from now, he will still be telling anyone who will listen about the day he put down a backlip before Austin Smith. And I am also sure that tomorrow, Austin Smith will not remember this whole event because he will be sipping piña coladas in some tropical location and thinking about how sweet it is that he can get paid to hang out and snowboard.

I don’t think that there were any real “winners” in this event. The reasons being: a) prizes were given for performing tricks called out over a megaphone, rather than for overall performance; b) we all got rained on; and c) the tacos were not free. But it was kind of fun anyway. I am pretty sure an eight-year-old got a bloody nose, and that always makes me feel good.

Author’s Note #1: Snoqualmie, Greg and I are really bummed about not getting free tacos at the event. Greg and I would each like to be reimbursed $7.43 for the tacos and Mexi-fries we had to purchase at Taco Time on the ride home. Thank you.

Author’s Note #2: Yobeat faithful, if I am ever forced to write another rail jam recap, I promise to you that I will stab a pen through my hand before writing it.

All photos courtesy Greg Miller of Frostline Photography.

 

Snowboarding is far from a low-income friendly activity. Between the costs of updating equipment several times each season, travel, lift tickets and candy, it is no surprise that snowboarding’s populous is comprised of white suburban-dwelling bourgeoisie. Youngsters are only able to make it up to the hill because of financial support of their exasperated parents. Parents who naively see snowboarding as a wholesome activity that Bobby and Suzy can do on the weekends. If only they could see their dear children as they sit in the back of the bus chugging cans of Busch Light stolen from mom and pop’s pantry.

And when Bobby and Suzy grow out of their parent’s pocket books and are forced to provide for themselves, snowboarding all but ceases to exist. This is known as the “Dude, I have a board and stuff, but I can’t afford a pass” syndrome. This is why snowboarding’s older guard consists of 1) weekend warriors, 2) retirees who only show up for the après, 3) pro snowboarders, and 4) the frugal.

Unless you can land double-lip-smacker-upside-down-twirls or are making six figures selling plastic-ware, we recommend you read up on some penny saving tips of how to make it on the lifts.

1. Make friends with a professional snowboarder. Or, just make their acquaintance. Then position yourself near the Marketing office, and as they are about to walk in, stop the pro snowboarder and start gushing about how sick their video part is or how great their pro model rides. Keep the praise coming, so that you can piggyback your way into the Marketing office. Then, when the pro shred is getting their comped tickets, start rambling about how you were just going to go hike in the backcountry or something. The pro, not wanting to be upstaged, will insist that you are part of the crew and should also receive a comped ticket. Bingo.
2. Pass is on other jacket. Looking innocent is key here. Stand tall and confident. When the liftie asks to see your pass, look down to where your pass should be. Look puzzled and desperate, and then smack your forehead and exclaim “I left my pass on my Tuesday jacket. Damn!” Your free ride isn’t in the bag yet, so look extra innocent by whimpering a bit or something.
3. Stealth mode. This technique begins hours before you even get to the lift. First, you need to dress the part, i.e. a paycheck-receiving weekend warrior. This means your equipment—board to beanie—must be Burton. As you approach the lift, blend in by joining a party of similarly dressed goons. Strength in numbers. Hold yourself with aloofness, and glare at the liftie, daring them to ask for your pass. Remember, you buy Burton.
4. Hike to mid-way lift. I haven’t done this one. It requires exercise. So if that is your thing…
5. Just Go. (Yobeat’s Personal Favorite) Get in line, move forward, stop for nothing. If anyone asks, just keep moving and act like you are reaching for something. By the time the situation is resolved you are on the lift.

Go get ‘em kiddos. Remember, you are breaking the rules. So when you get caught, you didn’t read any of this stuff on a website. You had sketchy parents. Godspeed.