If you don’t know, today is Festivus.  Yes, the fabled “Festivus for the rest of us” made famous by Seinfeld.

We here at the n00b don’t find tinsel distracting, and we think bamboo would be a much better choice for a Festivus pole (VERY high strength-to-weight ratio), but mostly we like the non-committal nature of Festivus.  I don’t have to believe in God or Santa Claus or whatever (p.s. Happy Hannukah, Jesus!), I just have to follow a few traditions.

One of the two prime traditions is the Airing of Grievances, when everyone at the Festivus Dinner table shares with their friends and family how they’ve been disappointed over the past year.  Here, loyal friends and readers, are Festivus Grievances, by the n00b:

•    Brooke Geery — not only have you not paid me (the t-shirt was sweet, but the cable company wouldn’t accept it for last month’s bill), but you managed to not let me know about the one snowboard party in the DC area EVER.  Way to go, lady.
•    AT&T – Stop being a bunch of bitches and let me transfer my old phone number onto an iPhone.  I swear to Christ, how will any of the many, many, many, many girls that want me know what number to call?  This is a well-established business line.  Stop fucking with me.
•    Sarah, Sarah, Sarah — Despite the haters on the comment board, I always enjoyed the weekly self-propagated voyeurism that was your column.  Following you on Twitter is entertaining, but I prefer the weekly summaries of what you thought of when you last got high. It’s easier for me to internet-stalk you when the info is conveniently compiled.
•    Skiers – Just accept the fact that, despite having been around longer, you’re playing second chair to snowboarding. Like, when you look/act that much like rollerbladers (at least as much as snowboarders pretend to be skateboarders), you just need to accept that shit.
•    A. Hart and Rumorator – Quit preemptively plagiarizing all of my funny ideas.  Seriously.  (But, on the other hand, thanks for saying everything I’m always thinking.)
•    Snowboarders – You still haven’t made “crossbow” a part of your regular slang.  I’m completely disappointed in you; it’s probably the best thing you could do.  It’s way the fuck better than “bolts.”
•    Nick Lipton – I’ve seen more mustaches in your articles and photos than anywhere else in my entire life, including Sturgis AND a solid 20 years or so living in Western Montana.  This isn’t really a grievance, more like a congratulations.  It’s like a gay porn convention, with flannel and B.O. instead of leather and Astroglide.
•    Burton – Your company stinks!

There, that feels better. Now everyone else air grievances, and we can get onto the Feats of Strength! Festivus isn’t over until Brooke gets pinned.

The sun has gone, the skies are gray, girls and guys alike are figuring out the best way to dress like the kids from “Twilight.” We here at the n00b have had to start wearing our flannels AND a jacket to work. You know what this means… summer is over. It’s time to prepare for snow.

Now, because our labs are based in the Washington, D.C. metropolitan area, we see very little snow, in the sense you people understand snow. So we here at the n00b have plenty of time to prep for the upcoming snowboard season, while you people are already flocking to the hills.

But have no fear, for we’ve been hard at work researching, testing and fabricating a new training method to prepare you for the season – no snow required! Follow these five simple steps and you’ll be just as ready for the slopes as any good n00b.

Step One: Liver Warm-ups

Like the sit-ups and Pilates everyone starts doing in February – ok, June — to get ready for beach season, we have to work our core. Everyone knows the key to any good weekend of snowboarding is the epic partying après shred. Now, you don’t have to miss anything because you passed out like a little bitch.

First, start with beer. Drink it regularly. You don’t want to go straight to renegades (the infamous “thumb gun”) or beer bongs, you need to build a steady tolerance. Think of this as jogging.

When you’re ready for more heavy lifting, throw some cocktails in the mix. Chug a beer or two throughout the night, so you not only have endurance, but you can crank it up to eleven if you need it.

Eventually, you’ll reach our level of mastery and drink Johnny Walker by the pint.

Step Two: Facial Hair

The coolest guys on the mountain are the ones with the best beard/moustache combo. You don’t have much time, if you’re a slow grower, but luckily No-shave November is just around the corner. By the end of the month you should have plenty of growth and a few good options for your ‘stache. Have fun with it!

Step Three: Weight-lifting and leg fitness

Fuck this shit. What are you, a pussy?

Step Four: Buy new gear

Wanna get laid this winter? Don’t spend your time learning corked sevens and busting your ass on the slopes. Spend your cash on a fresh-ass jacket and some tight goggles. And hey, look, we know it’s a recession and all of that, but we know when you’re wearing last year’s clearance gear. Tighten your belt a little bit (unless you’re a snow gangster, then don’t) and get the new shit. Shaun White and Danny Kass don’t get trim because they rip, it’s because they always have the sickest get-up. Besides, who wouldn’t look hella fresh in this tight jacket?

Step Five: Condoms

You snowboard to get ass, right? Doesn’t everyone? So always keep your Trojans handy; you never know when you’ll need one. At the post-ripping party, remember, they don’t work underwater. If you’re bangin’ it out in the hot tub, pull it out in time! You don’t want any to tell your kids mommy and daddy met at Mammoth over Jager bombs and the rowdy powder.

And don’t tell anyone you fired a load in the hot tub, because the party will be much funnier that way.

Hello loyal readers! Sorry we’ve been away for a while, but we here at the n00b recently achieved Nirvana. No, not the band that defined grunge and post-hair-metal rock’n’roll, but the kind that Buddhists hope to achieve through good works and self-improvement.  We didn’t self-improve or any of that bullshit, but we stumbled upon the greatest thing to bless snowboarding since Shaun White officially became a douche bag and stopped giving anyone a reason to care.

I speak, of course, of “Downhill Snowboarding,”  the tightest video game since Mario Kart (though we’re waiting to try out that sick-ass-looking Indiana Jones game on Wii).  All it takes is the forward and backward arrows, and you have to guide your man down the hill.  If you wanna get all tech, you can use the up key to jump (duh), and the A and S keys to grab.  A does a tailgrab, S didn’t do a damn thing for the n00b.  Moving on…

This is probably the best digital representation of snowboarding ever.  And this is coming from the n00b, who rented 1080 for the N64 about 1,000 times.  No joke. Fuck whatever game Shaun White is doing in HD on XBox 360 and PS3. Downhill Snowboarding is it.

Don’t believe us?  Think Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater, the Downhill Jam level, but without having to find the Secret Tape or do Judo Backflips or any of that crap. All you have to do is ride, do some double backflips (which we all know are the coolest tricks EVER ), and don’t die.  Literally, don’t drop your dude on his head, or it’s game over.

If you see a little blood shoot out after a rough landing, you’re done.

PLUS, the game’s a side-scroller, like all the best classic Nintendo games.  It’s dangerously close to one-upping the incredibly addictive “SkiFree” top-scroller for Windows.

Think you have what it takes?  Give that shit a try.  And let it be known, the n00b scored more than 12,000 points after only two rounds.  If you’re better… well, honestly, then you’re a nerd. But if you’re like us here in the n00b laboratories, you’re playing this game on the clock at your “real” job.  And that deserves a high-five!

Sorry this is a short column, but we have to get back to playing this game. The boss is about to fire us, but goddammit we’re almost at the bottom of the hill!  We’re sure you know how we feel. (And also, after finding some of these links, it’s time for the n00b to catch up on their video-game cartoon series. Thanks, YouTube, for ruining our career.)

#1 – Dump the damn snowboard. It’s the goddamn summer! “Oh, but n00b, we still want to shred some sick pow!” Are you fucking dumb? It’s the hottest time of the year and you want to go play in the snow some more? Jesus Christ, you people are beyond understanding. Stop pretending you’re one of the characters from “Twilight” and enjoy the sunshine.

Pubes: A Must-Have Accessory for Summer

#2 – Buy a pair of huge, gaudily colored board shorts. That way, even the scrawniest, tiny dudes will look just like their more muscle-bound peers: absolutely ridiculous.

the NooB gets rad. photo: Kameron Barge

#3 – We know you’re expecting a version of the “skateboard, because you know all snowboarders wish they were as cool as skateboarders” line somewhere in here. But we’re done saying it. Just be aware, it’s out there.

Look mom! I’m extreme!

#4 – Check out that new Tony Hawk video game with the board controller. It’s almost like actually skateboarding, but you don’t have to worry about breaking your ankle right before the next big dump. And (we promise) you’ll look really, really, cool.

#5 – Take the time to fucking relax. Crack a brew, grill some meat — or some Boca burgers, if you’re a pussy — and enjoy the sun. Play some golf, throw a Frisbee, sit around in the kiddie pool you bought for that jello-wrestling party last year. See what you can do to get rid of that ridiculous goggle-tan you’ve cultivated through the spring.

God knows why, but bitches eat this shit up.

#6 – Pick up a hottie. You know, get some summer lovin’. As long as you’re wearing your retardedly huge board shorts, you still have some remnants of a goggle tan and you come bearing Sparks or Corona, it shouldn’t be that hard.

#7 - Fuck it, this wasn’t on the list, but if you already have the kiddie pool, make up a shitload of jello and throw a jello wrestling party. Why not?

#8 – If you absolutely need snow … go to Siberia, or one of the poles. Maybe northern Canada or Alaska will do. There’s plenty of ice and snow there, and if we’re lucky you’ll get lost or die and your defective genes won’t be passed along.

There you have it. Get out there and enjoy your summer! We at the N00b are stuck in the lab for another 5 or 6 hours, around which time the weather says we’ll have a thunderstorm, so there will be no summertime partying. So, if you’re in your room thinking, “Ugh, goddamn warm weather, I just want it to snow so I can ride,” we at the n00b kindly ask you to fuck off. Thank you.

Okay, now what the hell is going on?

We leave for a few weeks and all of a sudden YoBeat is a veritable trailer park — and not the fun kind with empty cans of High Life and sweet reservation fireworks. Why did every snowboard company/homie crew in the world put out trailers for their videos this week?

We suppose the logical answer is this: companies are saying, oh so subtly, “Snowboard season in America is over, so while we edit the video and the slackers get last-minute bangers, here’s a teaser. See you and your wallets again in October.” But logic has never been snowboarding’s strong suit (neither has it been the n00b’s) so we’re dumbfounded. But like the celebrity internet journalists we at the n00b aspire to be, we’ll gladly take time to comment on real work presented by others.

Firstly, remember you don’t actually need a video to make a trailer. A few weekends of filming HD time-lapses, tricks that are “just for fun,” some bails and dudes walking around with or without shirts will get you enough material you need. With enough quick cuts, people won’t even know you filmed it all on one mountain.

Pick a completely ludicrous song for the trailer. Would you put it in your iPod if you knew it was going to be used by a DJ at the club you’re going to later? If the answer is no, you’re golden. Make sure it’s something your teenage sister would listen to, whether she’s a pop-hipster or some weird emo vampire goth.

If you can’t come up with any songs like that, or you don’t have a little sister to suggest annoying techno-pop songs or underground internet DJs, go with obvious trailer songs like “Ride of the Valkyries,” “Mama Said Knock You Out,” or “Wild Thing.” While you’re at it, why don’t you really break the mold and use the theme from “2001: A Space Odyssey?” It’s not like that one’s ever been used before. And it’s hella sweet.

Spend at least as much time working on the titles and graphics as the snowboarders did on their tricks. Everybody knows a good snowboard video is more about effects than tricks. Moving on.

Think of at least three funny things to say. We say three because you need plenty of backup options. Not everybody can be drunk and witty like Ali Boulala circa 2001 and have kids worldwide saying, “My hass is out,” every time their pocket rips or their pants fall down. And make sure, unlike the beginning of the Isenseven trailer, your snowboarders know their funny “off-the-cuff” lines.

And never, never, never, never say anything about a “hard day at the office.” Not only is it the most trite, pretentious, 80s hair-metal band thing to say, but we at the n00b, and probably anybody else who actually has to deal with hard days in an actual office, will rise up and slay you.

Our final tip: release your trailer two to four weeks after another company’s major release. That way, you’ll ride the swell after the novelty wears off. After skateboarders got done cleaning the “Fully Flared” out of their sheets, they wanted something new. Be that something new, so the kids think “Hey, that Forum vid was tight, bro! But did you see the new J/O Apparel teaser? Shit’s gonna be siiiiick…”

Now, if you’ll excuse us, we just got an e-mail. Our producer is way behind schedule on the new “the n00b movie” trailer and needs help deciding which DJ AM/Travis Barker song to use. We swear to Christ, we’d have to eat his lunch for him if we paid him enough to afford food.

You know you want Revenge of the Boarding School Dropouts now!

Now, we’re going to start today’s class with an incredible example of marketing and salesmanship. Let’s preface this with a few notes for those who live in caves:

1) The world’s economy is in the shitter.

2) People are buying less stuff.

3) Luxury items such as jewelry, designer handbags, premium gasoline, snowboards and cars are the first things people have been cutting from their “budgets.”

4) As a result, luxury companies have to come up with new ways to update and sell their product.

Our example today is the perfect match for today’s snowboard industry, because he brings charisma, attitude and flair to the small screen when he’s selling the ShamWow! and the Slap Chop. That’s right, today we’re talking about Vince Offer, the pitchman who got the n00b to order even more ridiculous kitchen ute—  …umm, the pitchman whose products have caught the eye of TV viewers worldwide.

Sure, he’s a great salesman, but what does he bring to the snowboard industry that thousands of independent sales representatives and millions of dollars worth of product placement and advertising doesn’t already accomplish?

Easy. Vince can take a product that already exists, repackage it and sell it by the truckload. Let’s start with a look at ShamWow!

Around 2005, Billy Mays (the OxyClean guy) was selling a product called Zorbeez. It was an orange towel that, according to the infomercial, was more than 27 times more absorbent than cotton towels. It didn’t smell, it could pull soda out of a carpet (the carpet’s completely dry!) and it could be used on virtually anything.

Sound familiar? Vince repackaged a nearly identical towel and put together a scarily identical advertisement. The result?  He claims he’s sold millions of towels. Vince and his ShamWow! have become pop culture icons. And according to Popular Mechanics, he has the superior product.

But wait, there’s more!

There was a product called the Super Chop that came out a few years back.  With it, one could easily chop fruits, nuts and vegetables using a plunger-operated blade.  It even rotated as you plunged, so the more you chopped, the finer your mincing got.

Again, Vince took this idea, made a little switcheroo (he added a feature that makes for easy cleaning) and started slinging the Slap Chop. Now, the idea of updating an existing product isn’t new. But what’s sold the Slap Chop is Vince’s salesmanship.

Snowboarding needs its own Vince, and quick. (No, Nike making snowboard boots and skate shoes that look exactly like the same Dunks, Air Force Ones and Blazers they’ve been making for decades doesn’t count.)

Put Vince in some Airwalks and in a few weeks he’ll have kids rocking the big “A” like it’s 1994 and Jason Lee’s still pro. The dude will probably even bring back jester hats, all the while telling people they’re going to love his nuts. (We here at the n00b think that was just a slip they kept during post-production, not actually a marketing ploy. He’s just very proud of his sack.)

This guy can sell anything!

All it would take is a free ShamWow! or Slap Chop and he’ll have all the kids on the slope riding these monsters. And if they didn’t, he might slap or chop them in the face.  Got pesky blood on your carpet?  Try ShamWow! It can hold up to ten times its weight in liquid.

With a bit of extra charm and an epic remix, Vince could even sell Clickers. All he’d have to do is add a bottle opener. “Stop having boring bindings, stop having a boring life,” he’d say as he cracked open a cool one on his board while he rode the lift.

Then later he’d make some epic après shred salsa. You just take your tomato, some cilantro, your onion and some hot peppers, and in minutes you have fresh salsa. Just like that.

When it comes to throwing parties, X-Treme athletes seem to be the leaders of the pack. The only people that rival them are rock stars (obviously) and cowboys — if only because they can straight up get sponsored by Pabst Blue Ribbon.  (How much ass would that kick?)

But it seems like X-Treme athletes have been the only ones to combine major events in their respective sports with wild ragers. Not a year goes by that a skateboarder is unable to skate in the Tampa Am or Pro contest because of some late-night Ybor shenanigans, and that Tanner Hall dude is pretty much always high, so his whole life is a party.

So what’s snowboarding’s contribution? Well, based on our exhaustive research in the YoBeat Archives, there’s an assembly of world-class professionals in Vermont called the “U.S. Open.” And from what we here at the n00b have read, the Open is almost as much about shredding as it is about getting fucked up in the hills and waking up with regrets.

The only shot from 2006

Like YoBeat’s esteemed editor wrote in 2006,  the “US Open was much like every other snowboard event this year: people spun around a lot, Shaun White won, and it was cold out. So I am not going to bother covering the snowboard action, instead I am simply going to tell the story of the most offensive/hilarious/unique moment of this event.” The event in question is when Dingo, the Open’s perennial wacky announcer guy, inadvertently raised hackles by cheering on Shaun White chanting “White Power!” over the P.A. Maybe not the best time for people to actually be able to understand what he was saying, but they’ll never forget now!

AHH, the 90s!

It was hard to get good, in-depth information on the event though, largely because everything I read seems to be obscured by drinking and fighting. The oldest reference in YoBeat was from 1998’s Open. But things get good in 1999 when the event was  dubbed “18 years of Snowboard Mayhem 1982-1999″,  and leads with the following: “US Open troublemaker gets in Bar Brawl!! Credibility questioned!! Exclusive Photos!!” It followed with a piece of high-brow investigative journalism entitled “Beer: What to get and where to get it.”   The verdict: you people are crazy!

Quite simply, after doing all of this reading and compiling, we at the n00b have realized the futility of trying to recount the history of the U.S. Open. All we’ve been able to find out is Burton and a bunch of mega-corporate sponsors threw a bunch of money at it, YoBeat hated on it and nobody really remembers what happened for sure because everyone was drunk pretty much through the entire event.

Sometime in 2007

We could pretty much say there were real live dragons cutting the pipe, the ‘Noid from those old Dominos commercials won every year and YoBeat staged a bunch of photos with their buddies after realizing the lens cap was on all week during the parties so they didn’t look like they blew it, and nobody there could definitively prove us wrong.

On the plus side, we read one of the funniest things ever written:

“Mom swore that middleschoolers in her neighborhood have giant blowjob parties (to practice SAFE SEX) ‘fucking Connecticut,’ I said, and then I moved in closer to get a better listen.”

That’s how wild it was. Well-done, snowboarders. Well-done.

If you think there is actual information I missed, here are all the stories I found, in chronological order:

1998

1999

2000

2001

2002

2005

2006

2007

We here at the n00b held a private brainstorming session late last night (translation: drank cheap wine and watched “Knocked Up” again). What we realized during this intense meeting of minds was that we don’t really know the history of snowboarding.

Here we were, telling you people how to fix your slang (twice ), what some of the emerging trends are in snowboarding, teaching you how to take kick-ass pictures and calling out Danny Kass for saying stupid shit, and we don’t even know snowboarding’s roots!  What a bunch of n00bs, right?  w00t.

So we went to the ultimate compendium for snowboarding knowledge: the YoBeat archives. Now, here’s a disclaimer, we got really stuck in there because there’s so much ridiculous bullshit.  Apparently snowboarding is full of emo-hating ex-skateboarders (we can’t say we were surprised, but the transparency is astonishing!)

But we found one thing we found to be pretty interesting, a little thing called the Blue Lodge.

What we’ve been able to put together so far are the following items of note:

1. Apparently it was some sort of snowboard house/camp in Plymouth, New Hampshire.
2. Apparently to snowboarding, it was or is a big deal. We don’t think we get it.
3. Apparently it consisted of a whole lot of dudes, a handful of token girlfriends/she-riders and a healthy dose of fraternity homoeroticism.
4. In one collection of photos from a video premiere, you can see Sarah Morrison’s bra through her shirt. We were shocked (translation: we downloaded a copy of the picture and we’re putting it on our iPod tonight, it’s party time)! Blue Lodge is totally NSFW.
5. YoBeat was the Blue Lodge’s personal internet ball-scrubber. When it comes to being Xtreme, remember: always put quotation marks around “journalist,” or an asterisk afterward, to clarify their role.
6. Apparently, the Blue Lodge was a synonym for “The Real World: New England,” where they party hard and bitch harder. At least, that’s what the linked article would have you believe.
7. We at the n00b haven’t written a report on history in years, and we hate it.

That’s enough of this stupid list. But fear not, for we at the n00b are going to make this a serial. Even if we come up with something funnier to write about, we’ll have a little snippet of snowboarding’s sordid history, via the YoBeat back issues.

Next column? Tony Hawk, big-time pro rollerblader, invents “roller-skate board,” steals tricks from snowboarding and wakeskating. Stay tuned!

If you are really into this Blue Lodge thing, here’s a gallery of photos  we got from some guy Mike Parziale.

[Show as slideshow]

We at the N00b have been at this snowboard-column-writing business for about a minute now, and there’s something that’s really starting to bother us.

Way, way back in the day (August), we wrote an article suggesting some new slang terms for snowboarders to use. Enough of riding the coattails of surfers and skateboarders, already! We offered a few examples that, in our humble opinion, kicked ASS. The problem is this: nobody’s taken our suggestions.  We put blood, sweat, and motherfucking beer into that article, because we thought it would help snowboarders stand out from the XTreme crowd.  We’re hurt, oh loyal readers, we were cut deep.

But you know, maybe the suggestions just weren’t good enough.  We still think “crossbow” is the best synonym for “awesome” since we first heard someone describe a trick as “tits as fuck,” but maybe we judged snowboarders wrong. Give us another chance, and we’ll win you over, we’re sure.  Here’s a new list of slang terms to rip off and use for snowboarding, straight from mountain biking and BMX:

Acro-Brat: In biking, this kid is someone who uses their bike like a pogo stick, and according to this guy “should be confined to the Circus and other freak show reviews.” In snowboarding, the acro-brat is the little grom that’s better than most on the mountain, at least technically. Although he can cork a switch 720 every time, he has no style at all … or robot style, at best, exactly like a million other groms doing the same thing.

Chinese Toe Cuffs: Also known as toe clips. In snowboarding, it could be a god-awful Clicker binding, or a real easy snow bunny with a foot fetish.

Fred: A synonym for poser or barney in some cases, but also used to describe the random guy with old, beat-ass gear and out-of-date clothes who can outshred the “serious” guys with shiny new gear. In snowboarding, the guy probably won’t be switch lipsliding any rails, but you can bet your ass he’ll take any downhill, probably in Army surplus pants, a 20-year-old Adidas hoody and with a blindfold.

Gutter Bunny: In biking, it’s a bike commuter, only riding to and from work on the edge of the road. In snowboarding, well … a gutter bunny might earn a nickname like “Chinese Toe Cuffs.”

Monkey-Motion: Some bike mag writer coined this term for full-suspension bikes.  In snowboarding, it’s the act of making every grab a stink-bug — that is, every grab is achieved by squatting low, reaching straight down between the knees, and waving the other arm in the air.  The rider thinks “indy!” while you think “angry King Kong on the Empire State.”

‘Rhoid Buffing: In biking, it’s when you’re going down a hill so steep that your ass is getting polished by your back tire. In snowboarding, it’s when you puss out on a slope steeper than you expected and sideboard your way down the hill, taking as much time to sit and pray as you can before committing to scooting another few inches.

Sharkbite: GodDAMN sharks are badass.  In biking, it’s the gash your chainring makes on exposed flesh when you fall.  In snowboarding, we have no idea.  We just wanted to say how effing crossbow sharks are.

Snowmine: An obstacle, such as a rock or bear, concealed under the snow. In snowboarding, it’s the same thing — one of those unexplainable phenomena that make you eat shit when you’re just cruising down the slope.

Whoop-de-doos: In biking, a series of up-and-down bumps good for jumping. In snowboarding, it’s a trick that’s not nearly as cool as the guy performing it thinks, regardless of difficulty. “Yo, did you see that?” “What, Bill doing another switch whoop-de-doo? Whatever.”

So please, take this idea and run! No longer does snowboarding have to sound like skateboarding’s stepchild! Mix and match, take a few old ideas and make something new, like all those bands that are out now did when they ripped off New Order.

And, like we at the n00b have always said, don’t get all Huffy — we’re only serious.

But other than what we’ve gleaned from all our research, we really don’t know much about being a pro-level shooter. So the n00b went to the largest compendium of top-notch digital imagery available: Getty Images. With one search for “snowboarding” and an eye for detail, here’s what the n00b learned from Getty – and what kind of photo crash course would be complete without photos to back up the lessons?

Lesson 1: Context

First things first, one of the most important lessons the n00b learned: CONTEXT RUINS A GOOD SNOWBOARD PHOTO. This may seem like a no-brainer, but we didn’t know this rule. You snowboarders and your crazy rules! Keep all evidence of a take-off, landing, or really anything but the snowboarder and some nifty background stuff out of your pictures.

Lesson 2: Tricks

Tricks aren’t necessarily required. Also, be sure to avoid those times when the rider is holding on to their board.

Lesson 4: It’s All About the Sky

What IS necessary in a top-tier snowboard photo is a very pretty sky. The truer the blue, the more American you are, and god-dammit, the n00b loves America. (Well, mostly, as of late.) And apparently, snowboarding loves a good, blue, American sky.

Lesson 5: Framing

Framing the shot is key. Photographers use the “rule of threes.” Now, the n00b always took that to mean one shouldn’t try to bone more than three girls at any given time. (We just thought photogs got a lot of poon-tang.) What it actually means is you divide the frame up into three groups and try to put the object of your photo into one of those frames to emphasize them. In this example, we see the man falling from the sky, the jump from which a snowboarder might jump, and the large take-off ramp. Notice we see no landing. What do you think this is, the rule of fuckin’ fours? Read rule number one. Jesus, pay attention in class for once.

Lesson 6: Timing

Now, when shooting a trick (remember, they’re optional in a good snowboard photo, so don’t strain yourself), be sure to always get the beginning or very end of the trick. That’s when the rider is most focused – it’s do or die time.

Lesson 7: Logos are Key

At events, the sponsors are the ones making sure you get to party like a rock star and eat all the hors d’oeuvres you want. Show them some love by getting as many of their logos in your photo. After all, how else is anybody going to remember what the fuck an Xbox 360 is?

So, now that the n00b has given away all of the secrets to snowboard photography, it’s time for you to get out there and be somebody! …and quit your job, because the n00b needs it. Bad.

MAN the Associated Press is AWESOME at shooting snowboard photos!

Holy CRAP, what a weekend!  For those of you living in a cave, the Winter X-Games went down from Jan. 22 to 25 in Aspen, Colo.  And yours truly, the n00b was [not] there for every minute of it!

The excitement in the air was palpable [I assume].  There were people all over the place, bundled up in their fancy coats and hats, ready to get X-treme or get X-treme’d on.  I couldn’t believe how many famous people I saw [on TV while I was channel-surfing during commercials].

Up on the slopes, [it looked like] it was a mob scene [on TV].  Cameramen clambered left and right, trying to get the best angle possible to show what kind of amplitude Shaun “The Flying Tomato” White was getting while he “beat Scotty Lago by two points and Norwegian Mikkel Bang by five points, rewarded for covering 75 feet on a maneuver between tables.”

It certainly was a sight to behold [I imagined as I washed my hands after a quick piss break during a featurette on snow-cross].

I can only imagine the great photos to come from an event like the X-Games!  You get the top snowboarding talent in the world [that bothers to sign up for televised live ESPN competitions anymore] all huddled like sheep into a pen, where you can watch them spin and flip like monkeys in the zoo. It’s an X-treme shooter’s wet dream!

In this photo from the L.A. Times, we see that contest coverage can be summed up with a portrait of “the coolest competitor on the planet” waving his medal around for everyone to see and making a really douchey face. Honestly, I don’t expect much more from L.A. Everybody knows Hollywood loves its douchey portraits.

So, back to the Games.

This year’s big story [based on the Google News search results] was the intense competition between the Ginger and up-and-comer Kevin Pearce. Now, watching these two powerhouses go head-to-head was, without exaggeration, completely riveting [or would have been, had I watched it].

Twenty-one-year-old Pearce, who is aspiring to qualify for the 2010 Vancouver Olympics, took the lead in the second round with a score of 90.66. His routine included a frontside air 18 feet high, a McTwist, back-to-back 1080s and a frontside 900.

Pearce held his lead until White concluded the contest with a technically difficult backside rodeo flip, a 900, back-to-back 1080s and a McTwist, which essentially is a 540 rotation while back-flipping.

It could have gone either way, but judges gave White a 91.66.

[At least that’s what I was able to copy and paste from this article.]

Now, I know you all are asking, “What about the girls? Who came out on top …no pun intended?” And I know why you’re asking […I didn’t watch the girls events, either.  Boooooring!]. Some cute Australian girl named Torah got epic in the superpipe.  She probably did a backflip.  Kelly Clark was kicking some ass, but she took a face-dive in her second run  and “sketched” on her third run [shouldn’t L.A. dudes know X-treme slang?], so she had to settle for second.

On the plus side, [I read Monday morning on the Internets] she got a big shiner, so she takes the X-Games medal for most bad-ass loser. [I’m actually working on making the medal right now to send to her. Maybe she’ll like it so much she’ll go out with me. I mean, with a black eye like that, she’s not going to have a ton of dudes coming up all smooth, like, “Hey girl, what’s good?"]

Well, by now your attention spans have probably led you to click on something else. I hope you felt like you were there [on my couch] watching [not watching, but drinking Pabst] the X Games [because thanks to HBO On Demand, I can watch Flight of the Conchords whenever I want]. I’ll see you in two weeks [if Geery doesn’t fire me for sending her a detailed expense report “from Aspen" with “receipts"].

“Be careful what you wish for, you may get it,” goes an old adage. How true it is though, I had no idea until my last column. You may remember, I published a list of gifts I wanted to receive for the holidays. It was a list of big-ticket items, lots of drugs, money and other luxury goods. Namely, I asked for a pair of Grenade Gloves. Basically, anybody who makes outerwear based on ninjas, skeletons or dinosaurs is awesome, and I wanted a piece of the action.

Apparently, one of my many fans works for Grenade, so in a few weeks, I got “a pair of the best gloves in the snow business.” And hot-DAMN are they sweet. I didn’t get dinosaurs or skeletons or ninjas, but I did get something to keep my hands warm when I need them to be as such. Most importantly, I got an actual taste of the good life, the perks of being an action sports journalist: freebies! All it took was a shallow compliment and a picture ripped from their catalog and I got free shit.

Now, maybe writing this all in an incredibly transparent column isn’t very smart of me. But what the heck. I am going to try my luck. Here are other things people can send me.

Airblaster makes this really, really cool ninja suit. Basically, it’s like footy pajamas for adults with a hood and face mask. With it, you can 1) be warm all the time, 2) have the feeling of fleecy material rubbing all over your body all at once, 3) kick the living shit out of people on the sly. Nothing like getting your nuts rubbed with soft fabric while you beat the fuck out of some random chump and sneak away in the shadows, right? Right!? Don’t make me kill you with a ninja star.

Those Burton Love snowboards are really irking some people, but I’d ride one …all night long! Woo sex jokes! But seriously, the more sex in snowboarding, the better, so put a naked chick on a board, and I’ll make sure it collects dust in my attic all year until I make my semi-annual snowboard trip to somewhere. But guys, these boards are not an excuse to J/O on the lift. Just wait for the post-shred hot tub party, ok?

Ray-Ban still makes the most badass sunglasses on Earth. Sorry Electric, Dragon, Ashbury, Oakley, Smith and all you other jerks, you’ll never top a pair of black Wayfarers or classic RB Aviators. Just can’t be done, dudes, so stick with M-Frames and plastic neon Wayfarer knock-offs.

Back when I was a young’n, I was super into everything Airwalk. I didn’t know how to skate at the time, but I knew all the cool kids at school rocked Airwalk gear, so I had to as well. Now they have a boot called the Pirate, but the boot doesn’t live up to the name. It’s this weird silver space-boot, not a black leather piece with a big buckle. Ditto with the Rome Libertine — no reference to 18th-century France, nor to Pete Doherty in 2005. Vans, however, has a boot called the Hi Standard that’s Rasta-colored. Normally, being a white guy, I know to avoid Rasta style. But the sneaky double entendre of Jamaican coloring on a shoe called the Hi Standard is too good! Get it? It’s like getting high!

So yeah, no pressure, but my address is: The Noob. 7420 8th St. NW, Washington, DC, 20012

Oh, geez, sorry … I got a little carried away there. What I was trying to say is it’s the time of year everybody looks forward to giving and receiving presents from friends and loved ones. Since I feel so loved here at YoBeat, I’ve put a list together of things you guys can get me for Christmas.

• A sweet pair of Grenade gloves. Who doesn’t want some crazily colored glove that’s not only warm and tough and all of that, but it’s also ri-goddamn-diculous-looking? Too bad I poked fun at Danny Kass, now I know for sure they won’t just happen to lose a pair in my direction.

• One of those hoodies that zips all the way over your face. Anonymity is the entire point of the internet, right? I need streetwear that will help me maintain my secret identity as Ian Graham, mild-mannered reporter … wait, what? My name and a picture of me are right at the bottom—well shit.
I’m kind of glad, actually. Those things look goofy anyway.

• Tylenol with Codeine. Man, I took one of these to knock me out before bed tonight … I can see why they’re habit-forming! I mean, it’s nothing compared to serious painkillers (or even a six-pack, to be honest), but it’s nice. Let’s keep the meds rolling this holiday season, please.

• A really, really, really warm coat. Seriously. As you read this, I’m in Montana to, of all things, skateboard. I mean, it’s like Lewis Black said, it’s not weather, it’s an emergency condition. Please, send it before I get frostbite.

• A snowboard named after or made of a food item. But none of this banana-park-Twinkie-pickle-dick or whatever it’s called. If I’m going to be on a mountain, I want some mountainy food under my feet. Something like a crappy hamburger, a cup of coffee or cocoa, or maybe some poutine. Gravy slides anyone?

If it’s actually made of that food item, it could be a lifesaver. If I fall into a crevasse or ravine (ha! That would require a certain amount of skill that I don’t have), I could live off of my Basket o’ Poutine board until search and rescue finds me! I think there’s some money to be made here…

• Money. I decided recently I’d like to be independently wealthy, so that I can do whatever the hell I want, like write a crappy column “about snowboarding,” or open a shop, but also not seriously stress about paying rent every month. They pay me shit here – literally, I turn in a column and Geery gives me shit – so help a brotha’ out.

• Your birthday wishes. I turn 24 this weekend, so if you’re in Missoula and a tall, lanky drunk dude ruins your night … you’re welcome.

Now in all seriousness, it’s late as hell, I have a flight to catch tomorrow, and this Tylenol is starting to knock me out good and proper. So have an amazing non-denominational holiday and hopefully I’ll be funnier and more likable in time for New Years.

Now, call me a nay-sayer, but what help do these trick tips provide?  I’m at least a little sure that if I follow the advice of whatever pro tells me so I can do a sick corked 720 (is that a trick?  I admit, I’m just guessing at this point), I’ll end up shoulder deep in snow — but with my feet and board in the air.

So, here are my real-life snowboard trick tips:

Trick #1: Backflip

Okay, this is pretty much the best thing anyone can do, ever.  Have you seen those dudes that can run up a wall and do a backflip?  Damn, that shit’s hot!  If I was a lady, I’d gladly make sweet love to one of those dudes.  So, practice a bunch.  Get on a trampoline and throw yourself around until you pull off a backflip.  (Don’t land on your head.  It hurts.  TRUST ME.  Fun story, actually, I never could do a straight backflip.  I had to do this weird 360 backflip thing where I rotated over my shoulder rather than straight backwards.  It’s because I’m a pussy.)

Then, when you’re riding, get hella wicked speed as you approach the lip of whatever it is you’re going to backflip.  When you Ollie (or “jump”), do whatever the hell it is you were doing on the trampoline.

Trick #2: The “Crippler”

This one, according to EXPN, is “An inverted aerial where the rider performs a 180 degree flip. The athlete approaches the wall riding forward, becomes airborne, rotates 90 degrees, flips over in the air, rotates another 90 degrees, and lands riding forward.”

Well, I guess that covers how you do it … but why the hell would you call it a crippler?  Who wants to do a trick that will paralyze them?  It doesn’t even sound cool.  It makes me think of the Crypt Keeper, who is awesome, but doesn’t make me want to get gnar.

Just call it a spinning backflip.  Backflips are badass!

Trick #3: “Corking” a trick

This sounds like something a gigolo does.  But in snowboarding, doing a “corked” spin is doing it sideways (again, thanks EXPN!).  Here’s a question, how does one NOT do a corked spin in a half-pipe?  I can understand doing a barrel-roll type thing if you’re airing straight, but on a pipe… isn’t everything sideways?  Or would you stay vertical and call it sideways because you’re sideways relative to the takeoff?  I’m so confused.

Not that it really matters, because only really big pussies would call it a trick to almost do a backflip.  God DAMN I love backflips.

Trick #4: Frontflip

GAY. Don’t do it.

Trick #5: Double Backflip

See trick #1, do it twice as hard/awesome.  You also should pull twice the trim at the after-party if you get this one.

I’ve been at this column-writing game for some time now … and like any good Millenial (I think that’s what they’re calling my generation now, Gen-X sounded sooooo much cooler) I’m tired of my job.

Like moving in with a friend or lover, I’m noticing all the funky little flaws that only come out after long periods in close living quarters.  Did you know YoBeat poops with the bathroom door open?  Gross!  And YoBeat farts all the time.  Like, not often — literally ALL the time.  It’s like there’s a valve broken so there’s a steady leak of fart.

Anyway, thought I’d share my laundry list of WTFs with you, my loyal readers.

Promo Shots — Ok, wow, it’s like, totally crazy that Ryan Sheckler did some goofy-ass pose with a YoBeat sticker in hand.  Let’s move on, people.  We can’t simultaneously make fun of him for crying on TV and massage his scrotum for appearing on YoBeat.

Hump Day — YoBeat pulls off some cool interviews in this weekly feature, but the title makes no sense.  All of these interviews are about snowboarding, or working in the industry, or being an up-and-comer.  Not one of them is about humping.

Maybe this “hump day” idea is some sort of snowboard slang that I missed out on while I was working on my previous slang column, and I just don’t get it, but I’ll be damned if YoBeat wouldn’t get way more hits if it had a weekly feature that was actually about humping.

It worked for Transworld Skateboarding for a while, sort of.  Remember that feature they ran on the web with models posing during a session?  Who doesn’t like a backside tailslide with an honest-to-god backside shimmying around on the deck of the ramp?  Nobody, that’s who.

Videos — “Backflips and Boobies?”  Genius.  But didn’t anybody tell the Airblaster guys how to make a snowboarding video?  It’s like they don’t even care.  No film crew, no production assistants bringing the director coffee, no dramatic slow-mo film shots … does this even count as a snowboard video?  I didn’t even hear any music by the Faint or Da Rude.  Airblaster, let’s get cereal and make a real snowboard video.  You know, with 180-foot backflips, 50-stair triple-kink rails and unnecessary editing “tricks” straight out of Final Cut for Dummies.

And as for you, YoBeat, stop just bringing any group of snowboarders onto the site.  This isn’t “The Flavor of Love,” you need to have standards.  More film, less fucking around.  What do you think this is, fun?

Firing Squad — I still think that guy that was snow-surfing over that wintry pond was fucking tits, the technical superiority of Cagney’s “strapping in” photo notwithstanding.

A fun twist on the Squad would be a Make or Miss contest, in which internet viewers decide whether the photo was a make or a miss.  If the voters pick which photo is a make and which is a miss, both photos … fuck it, nevermind.  That idea sucks.

Mikey LeBlanc — Apparently this guy’s a snowboard legend, or something.  I don’t really know.  And he owns some Holding Company?  Holding Clothing?  Did I get that right?  But really, how many features are we going to do on him?  He has a three-part Hump Day (with no humping whatsoever), there was a video tour of his office, he’s backed as a candidate for Maine’s junior Senate seat … I mean, Jesus Christ!  Now I know why I always put quotation marks around snowboard “journalism.”

Sarah Morrison’s Best Day Ever — Isn’t YoBeat a snowboarding website?  Isn’t Best Week Ever a pop-culture-junkie show on VH1?  I don’t get it.

I wish I could be famous on the Internet for publishing a checklist of my favorite inebriated memories and the list of quotes I’m saving up so that my Facebook profile will be sooooo kick-ass.  Instead, I’m like every other teen/twenty-something and it just ends up on some MySpace blog where nobody reads it or finds it interesting.

The n00b — Man, whoever the fuck hired that guy is a dipshit!  Fuck the n00b.  What a dork.