Having been to events on both coasts and plenty in the Midwest, I’ve noticed one really big difference. On the coasts anyone under 18 competing is usually stacked with skills. In the Midwest if you’re over 18 and competing people are looking at you funny. I think this might be what people call “Midwestern sensibility” and I think this is also what leads people in the Midwest to get married at 20 years old. Seriously that’s not just a Utah thing.

Needless to say the kids, and some old people, came out in full-force for the annual Empire Collective Picnic in the Park at Devil’s Head Resort. It was a huge year for the Picnic as Joe Sexton, the current favorite son of the Midwest, was there to show off his new pro model, sign autographs and get mobbed by kids.

But that’s not all! This year’s event also coincided with the last stop in the region for the Red Bull Buttercup. This was huge, like the time Metallica and Guns’n Roses toured together (not that anyone who competed in the event will get that reference.) As is typical for the company selling the most profitable product in the world, the event was not a minor affair. They had DJs Kid Cut-Up and Why B making music in the back of something like Optimus Prime while the youth of tomorrow got down to the trickery.

The obvious highlights of the contest were Eric Groman (Age 18, resident old man) tossing flips off the dragon tale box, Allison Goehel (Age 13, tops) buttering the shit out of everything, and TJ Homan (age 9-ish) who rode harder than most people four times his age. In the end it was Mikey Stilling (Age 16, but a hard 16) who stuck a back-3 on/Rodeo out that took home the Buttercup.

After the awards we handed out there was a Dodgeball game that was essentially Mikey Stilling and His Alpine Valley Dirtbag Crew versus the world. I’m pretty sure they won most of the games even though they only seemed to want to get Joey Sexton out. There was no way he could compete with their youth. The night wrapped up with the DJs back in action, a ton of dancing and drinks for the few people old enough to get them.

Dear NBC: Make your fucking videos embeddable. Last night’s actual short track event video here.

But there were some things worth seeing last night. I couldn’t look away from the short-track speed-skating relay qualifiers.  I’ve seen some shit in my day, but nothing like a bunch of American men crammed into small circle with a handful of young Koreans boys, all pushing on each others’ butts. I should say I’ve never seen anything like that with spandex suits on.  [choose your own next line]

•    I actually had to call my mother and tell her not to watch, in case her epilepsy fired up.
•    In the 1970s they called this kind of filth “art films.”
•    I’m kind of surprised Nate Holland wasn’t there.

The foxy ladies of SBX. photo nbcolympics.com

The other highlight of last night’s broadcast was the presentation of the women’s snowboardcross medals. Seriously, you won’t be getting that kind of heat on the women’s halfpipe podium.  It was Maelle Ricker, Deborah Anthonioz, and Olivia Nobs—gold, silver, and bronze, respectively.
Onto the men’s half-pipe show.

NBC decided we didn’t even need to see Mathieu Crepel, so there was no comment on the French mustache madness. I’m sure Brooke Geery cried into her JJ Thomas body pillow over that one.  So people were dropping in, boosting and slipping out. A lot. The USA’s small wonder Greg Bretz sat on both of his runs, it a crap way to go down but he’s young and I suspect he’ll be back. People were yapping about Louie’s score being low, but I attribute that to too much flag waving. Kazu Kokubo tossed down easily the runs with an unmatched style-to-size ratio before slipping out on his final hit of each run.
Peetu took second, but let’s not be bothered by the his Finnishness. Then it was pretty much the Shaun White and Scotty Lago show. I thought it was pretty rad that NBC let its viewers watch both of their runs in their entirety.  Scotty Lago’s has one of the best methods going right now and should really be seen by everyone. He went large and banged it down on his first run, only to be bumped into third by Peetu and sitting on his second run.  Still it was great to seem him perform so well under the Olympic spotlight.
Shaun White secured his win with his first run, which shouldn’t surprise anyone.  And in doing so he further exposed a rift among armchair pipe-jocks around the world. Do we love or hate Shaun White?

USA! USA! USA! Photo: nbcolympics.com

Yes, Red Bull built him a private halfpipe and foam pit. Yes, he has spent the last year doing nothing but practicing for last night. Yes, his runs can come off with a robotic stiffness. Yes, he swaddled in the arms of corporate America and all that is wrong with snowboarding. But you cannot deny that his run was so much larger than anyone else’s, His Whitesnake/Double-Double-with-Tomato/Tomahawk/CulebraBlanca/whatever you want to call it just raised the bar in half-pipe riding and he was honestly having a good time atop the pipe prior to his second run victory lap. He was doing what snowboarders are supposed to do, have fun. He got the medal he deserved.

I need to hang out with more female boardercross racers.

Where the shred gets MADE

Want to become a great snowboarder, win contests and impress your friends? It’s doable, but I don’t suggest calling in a “nationally known reality show” to turn you into a champ. However it seems that some girl, we are going to call Ashley B1, did just that to get her game on lock.

The whole premise of the show is that Ashley B1 lives in the outer suburbs of Milwaukee, but she wants to become pro-shred. So does she skip college and get her liftie on in Colorado? Nope she hooks up with some reality show that is going to turn her into an ace in 30 days. They had been flying her back and forth from CO and I had heard a rumor that dude from the Bachelorette was going to be coaching her. But I never saw him. Anyway the culmination of her short track to radness was a contest on her little, hometown hill, Mt Olympia. I’m pretty sure this place used to be a garbage dump.

Considering that the contest was being held at a tiny little hill they put on a good show. The excitement around the place was great. The park was a noble effort for a place that has never had a park, or even had anyone under the age of like 50 ride there. In fact, this is where I get all sentimental about snowboarding.

The place was packed with kids under 16. Most of them weren’t die-hard shred kids. They were out there to suck down Red Bulls, cop some MODA3 stickers, and ride. Their boards weren’t the most recent models; it seemed like the average boards were 4-5 years old. But all of these kids seemed stoked to by riding, and talking to the sponsors that came out, and just taking in snowboarding with friends. I’m going to take a minute to wipe a tear while you dwell on the fact that this is what snowboarding is supposed to be. Right? And nationally known reality TV show isn’t going to pick up on that.

Lights, camera, action.

The contest goes down and shockingly Ashley B1 is not the most solid rider. And it was clear she didn’t place. Sadly she wasn’t even out there riding with all the other kids throughout the day. She did a warm up lap or two and was then hustled back inside where she was sequestered by the film crew, until her runs were up. I suspect she was the only one in the place not having a good time.

But reality TV people lucked out because the girl who won, her name was Ashley B2. So they get their reality vision up in the announcer man’s face and said, “when you make the winning announcement we need you to say ‘first place goes to Ashley’ then pause for a few moments before you say her last name.” I can’t help but to imagine that they are going to run some editing-magic and make nationally known reality TV show watcher think that Ashley B1 got Mega-Made, despite her intermediate riding skills.

So I stuck around to see how shit went down, because the beers were cheap and the announcer man looked like he was going to punch nationally known reality TV show in the face. Seriously if you get a chance, watch the episode just for him. He does his pause, and the winner, Ashley B2 eventually gets to come up. However immediately afterwards nationally known reality TV show is recording this fake-ass cheering section for Ashley B1 who was not the winner. I can’t help but to think that nationally known reality TV show was just glad to done with this project.

Yay, you MADE it!

Ultimately I hope Ashley B1 learns to enjoy riding, and I hope her friends don’t come down on her too hard for letting the media fake-up the merits of her riding skills. As for nationally known reality TV show, I still can’t believe they haven’t figured that with snowboarding, and most everything really, all the rad leaves when they show up. Also they should bring back Dan Cortese.

Dear Santa,

I’m usually not into asking for much, apart from free stickers and maybe the occasional cigarette every 20 minutes, but these YoBeat wish lists are for the greater good. These are not things I need, they are things snowboarding needs. Sure I’ll benefit a little bit, but you know what they say, “A rising tide lifts all boats” or as you said last year when I saw you outside the mall, “If I keep the windows locked and up, everyone is getting high.” Though I don’t know if that is a fitting metaphor.  

Anyways here’s I could use this year:

• Outerwear with fewer zany prints but stronger themes like cowboy, dog-sled racer, and sexy nurse.
• Snowboarders to stop thinking they are skateboarders. Skateboarders to stop thinking they are rappers. YoBeat writers to stop thinking they are snowboarders.
• Mandatory Crooked Cops and Japan Airs in all slopestyle events.
• Hadar’s voice on my voice mail, just once.

• A Forum Scheme 158 with those happy little trees and shit on it.
• Snowboard producers to admit, “Yeah, we were just kidding with that reverse camber thing.”
• Terrain parks by Santiago Calatrava and Frank Gehry
• Snowboard Magazine: The Ad Issue.
• Rules that enforce a strict separation between Snowboard clubs and Facebook groups.

• One of those crazed new Yobeat shirts.
• Acknowledgment from, like, 3 people who got the Calatrava and Gehry references.
• The delivered promise of a good stoking-out and hooking-up
• A remake of the video game Rampage. But instead of the lizard, the ape and the werewolf, it’s just Dan Brisse destroying everything.

Anyway Santa, I know times are tough but maybe you could pull some strings and come through on a couple of these for me. And maybe I could get a couple smokes too?

Thanks,
RvR

Snowboarding is fucking weak. Seriously, in the hierarchy of radness, snowboarders are just above ultimate fighters and just below NASCAR drivers. There was a time when snowboarding knelt before no one (except skateboarding and surfing, obviously. And street luge). Reputable companies like Totino’s wouldn’t get anywhere near snowboarders. Only Juicy Fruit gum had those kinds of nuts. But really wasn’t it better back then? In an effort to regain some of the edge I’ve come up with 10 easy ways to get snowboarding back on the badass side of cool.

1.  Every time you get on a chairlift with a stranger wearing skis, drop the phrase “I mean it’s not like she’s really pregnant. She can have a couple beers.”

2.  Launch a grassroots anti-helmet campaign targeting tweens and their totally gay parents.

3.   Fashion smoking. Fashion drinking. Fashion getting your underage daughter drunk and taking advantage of her on the school ski club outing.

4.   Handguns

5.   Commission Sean Cliver to illustrate a children’s board line.

6.   To build on its fear-based branding, CAPiTA releases the Middle America series featuring the Flag Burner 151, Planned Parenthood 155 and Tower Bomber 160.

7.   Roxy hires Roman Polanski to direct the next team video.

8.  Take up active littering. Don’t act like you dropped that beer can or that cigarette. Be proud, son.

9.   Shaun White: Gator II

10.  Following his mild success on Dancing With the Stars, Louie Vito starts tap dancing as a warm up and chooses to ride the Olympic qualifiers in blackface.

Use Social Media to Alienate Your Core Customers

One of the older ongoing internet conversations about snowboarding is alledgedly being shut down. No it’s not YoBeat. It’s a lowly forum on some snowboard company’s website. Eliminating an established network like this seems counter-productive to a company now trying to catch up to others out there in the social media game. I’m sure they’ve got a plan, so taking cues from them I’ve written up 6 steps to Use Social Media to Alienate Your Core Customers.

Step 1: Create a social media program before anyone knew what social media was. Do it in 1996 or 1997 so no one really cares that it’s just a chat room hosted on your web site. It’s the most snowboard kids could hope for anyway. Send out stickers for signing up and tell them how the pros and people who make your company work will be dropping in to rap (that’s how guidance counselors and people in the 90’s said “chat it up”). Don’t bother delivering. Healthy interaction builds strong customers, so keep the interaction to a minimum.

Step 2: Develop this core social media network into to a web forum. As people join, promise them again pros and the people behind the scenes will stop by to drop knowledge. Allow the majority to talk about nothing that pertains to snowboarding. Don’t look through the chatter to see there is a lot of knowledge and useful information being dispersed from this forum. Assume the people who use your gear and other companies’ gear know nothing of what works.

Step 3: As Social media takes off, stand idly by. Focus on growing your company until people are embarrassed to ride your boards. Lose the core market in exchange for market share. Encourage customers to follow along with the pros and they log as many as 2-3 blog entries a year. Don’t sweat it as imposters of all your professionals popup on social networking site. After all it’s just a fad, like baseless bindings or winged hi-backs.

Step 4: Relaunch your web forum and encourage new members. Promise that your pros and the people who really make you company tick are going to be dropping in to give members the inside look, and even make then privy to some super misty information. Again fail to deliver on this. Never question why these people stick around when they could be using anything else to communicate. Never acknowledge that these are some of your most informed customers and they spread knowledge to anyone who will listen.

Step 5: Let your web forum fester, leaking vitriol and knowledge. Pay no attention to the fact the other companies’ riders and reps come onto your forum. Revamp your social media plan. Give it the soft edges and quirkiness of a hip social networking site.

Base this new social network on a template makes it difficult for the lowly customer to interact with each other or any the pros and people who are the process, as though they will ever contribute. Congratulations you have effectively eliminated the opportunities for interaction with the customer.

Lastly, cancel your web forum. Tell those people who have been spreading your words at street level they’ve become uncontrollable, have long been a thorn in your side and offer no value whatsoever to your organization.

Step 6: Roll around in the piles of gold that are shot from social media like it’s a slot machine.

I showed up to the Empire Collective’s Picnic in the Park at Devils Head Resort a few hours after it got under way for two reasons. The first being that despite this being a spring jam and the past two weeks’ temperatures ranging between 40 and 70 degrees, the days weather had taken a turn for the worse. By the time I arrived at 1pm the temperatures were pushing 30 degrees and I was less than thrilled about the conditions. The second reason for my tardiness has something to do with Margarita’s by the pitcher, cheap smokes, and Dolomite on television.

Despite my shaky condition I made the drive to the Merrimac, Wisconsin. For those of you keeping up with this, that is in the south-central part of the middle of nowhere. The sudden cold snap had put a nice layer of traditional Midwest ice over the terrain park that made skateboarding seem forgiving. Despite the conditions the crews got together a few good features. A sofa, a piñata hip and monster tire gave everyone something to ride on for the day.

I was greeted with beers and barbeque that made the day seem somewhat more Spring-like. Eventually I was even talked into strapping on my board and taking a few runs. For the final run I was even feeling good enough to be riding with 16oz of Coors in my hand. It turns out this is completely acceptable in Wisconsin, so long as I’m not also carrying a firearm.

Hell yeah Wisconsin snowboarding

By late afternoon the ice was busted up over the small pond that had formed at the base of the hill during the previous two weeks. To keep the ice from reforming the puddle was cut with mud, full of decaying plant matter, which through basic composting produced enough heat to keep the ice off. A rainbow rail was dragged to the edge of it and Red Bull inflated their arch ahead of it to make the rainbow-to-slush slide a bit more appealing. Personally I thought it would be way more badass to throw a couple of alligators in the puddle, but it’s not my party so who am I to complain.

Anyone who made the slide into the puddle was showered with product from the MODA3 crew and sponsors 686, Elm Company, Comune, and Cilla. Being it was specifically not a contest everyone got something and the spectators had had a blast watching the riders give it a go one last time for the year.

That night Milwaukee’s Kid Cut-up came to throw the best party Merrimac had seen since those French explorers Marquette and Jolliet rocked the shit out the place in 1673. At some point in started snowing, some guy name Smoke Machine was tearing up the dance floor with another man, some suburban kids were spitting Biggie lyrics to each other over cigarettes, and I fell asleep on the floor of a hotel room.

I awoke the next morning luckily still dressed and unmolested. I packed up my gear, grabbed my three remaining tallboys and jumped in the car. From Devil’s Head I drove to Tyrol Basin for their end of the season party. Tyrol definitely got the better day for weather–it was actually spring like and the previous night’s snow made it for a great day.

Or so I can only assume. I rolled in tossed on my gear took one run and called it. They also had a bunch of mini contests going on and I really couldn’t be bothered with that mess. I jumped back in my car and called the winter over, at least in the Midwest. And in anyone gets really hard up Spirit Mountain in Duluth, Minnesota is hosting Damage revisited on May 9th.

I’ve been snowboarding in Wisconsin for about a billion years now, and I’ve come to terms with the realities of it.

• Your winter won’t really start until December.
• It will rain in February and the snow will suck from then until closing.
• Those 686xLevi’s snowdenims have got nothing on that dude rockin’ the Ski-doo one piece, and he’ll tell you that you look like a fag for wearing them.
• Lastly nothing is more important than a proper sticker job.

It’s never about skill around here. It’s about your sticker job and making sure you are pushing the right vinyl. Thankfully, Ski-Dood was more than willing to point out my lackluster sticker job, as well as my apparent homoness, to me. I guess my “Escape to Wisconsin” sticker wasn’t as bad-ass as I thought. I shuffled through all the mags and even watched an online tutorial to get inspired for the most epic sticker job in the Midwest. But after everything I found I realized I wasn’t thrilled on the idea of running three B logos overlapping. But yet I had to had something to keep Ski-dood and his bros on their toes.

My game needed to be stepped up.

I looked outside and over night we had piled up about 6 inches and it was still coming down. I should’ve been out falling off boxes and rails. But I had a mission. I headed down to MODA3 for a consult with Eric Kuester and P. Cool. After discussing the pros and cons of looking fresh and the not-packing-friendly size of the new Lord Quas toys, I dropped the bomb on them. I was looking for, as the kids say, some next level shit. I needed Santa Maria. The Virgin Mary. The Blessed One. It was the only way.

Eric told me of a shop he knew on Cesar Chavez Dr. They would have that shit, but to class it up, I should put my last name on it.  I didn’t feel von Rumorstein had the same grace as Maquiladora, so I split from the shop. By this time the snow was coming down again and I was starting to wish I was riding. But instead I was slip-sliding all over the city, looking for a giant Virgin Mary sticker.

The second shop was purely amazing. After chatting up the girl behind the counter for a few minutes I told her necesito una Santa Maria y su numero. She smiled and told me they didn’t have what I was looking for. Another guy behind the counter suggested a shop on 58th and Burnham.

I eventually found the shop, which I think was called “Signs.” It was only open 9-5 M-F, which are crap hours for the snowboard market. I decided to make one last stop at an auto parts shop. I told the guy behind the counter what I was looking for and he told me to really get down I needed to get Maria and my last name, and to get that I needed to get to Seven Mile Fair.

20 minutes later I was at Seven Mile Fair. They we closing soon and I had about 35 minutes for the Virgin to appear. I paid my $1.50 entrance fee and was instantly on sensory overload. Quincenera Dresses, knock-off Nikes, Barak Obama’s face bedazzled on shirts, the smell of fried dough and the sound of Hmong immigrants playing “Let it Be” on flutes. I pushed past people hustling tiger statues, socks, pipe wrenches, Luchador masks, puppies, boa constrictors, socks, car stereos, plastic grills to make your Focus look like a Hummer, rims, more socks, and finally found the sticker maker’s booth.

I flipped through her catalog, passing on the vehicle logos, a Calvin-likeness pissing the words Ex-Wife, and some dude crying wearing a crown of thorns, until I found her. #53. The Virgen de Guadalupe.

I pointed at it, “Necesito”
“How big?” she asked.
“Big”
“What color”
“Black”
“You want your last name with it?”

Twenty minutes later I was out the door, Sticker in hand, with 15 pounds of produce and some fried dough. I don’t regret missing the day of riding but do wish I would’ve grabbed the painting of Barack Obama and Jay-z terrorist-fist-bumping over a pool game.

Rumorator von Rumorstein’s Tips for proper stickering

• People who call them die-cuts are lame
• No matter what anyone tells you, never put stickers on your base.
• The less a sticker has to do with snowboarding the more you need it on your board.
• Don’t cross-breed. Your Horrorscope will look lame with a Burton sticker on it.
• The more stickers the better. I had like 28 stickers on my Kemper Phantom and that was 15 years ago. Where are you at today?