It is 2 am on a Saturday night in Rutland, Vermont. Brooke is swaying from side to side on the sidewalk, dodging inappropriately planted trees. Bridges goes “Shit we should have introduced Jack (Daniels) way earlier.” Brooke attempts to turn around, hits another tree and goes, “Sarah, are you writing this down?”

I arrived at Brooke’s at like 5 PM, to what appeared to be a beer coozie sweatshop. She had her mother and sister knitting around the kitchen table under the impression that they were simply “playing Scrabble.”  Is was weird because Brooke was hovering around the table with a whip in her hand.

Here’s proof that Sarah was sober enough to remember the evening. That’s a diet coke. And Catherine, well, she’s double fisting.

The real evening started around 8 PM at a bar called Two Shea’s, a classy joint with outside seating. I picked up a Maxim at the bar to check out while sunning myself on the “patio.”

So the who’s who list begins here. We have got Brooke Geery. She is actually a Rutland native.  She enjoys teenage boys, crappy skateparks, and the University Mall in Burlington. Just having her at this event is drawing a crowd already.  She is like the Paris Hilton of Rutland.  Next we have Catherine Nieves. She has commuted from NYC for this event.  She enjoys beer, Scrabble tournaments, and office supplies.  You’ve got me. I am an internet model, retired snowboarder, and keen observer of the abnormal. We all sit down and wait for the party to come to us, which it will inevitably do.  Beer begins.  We all start with Labatts, great solid beer.  Within the hour Rob Z and Pat Bridges join us.  Rob Z is known for being the only dude in his small Vermont town to have internet and for his killer tan. Pat Bridges is known for his charm, one liners, and ability to smoke a cigarette while landing the sickest trick ever. Bridges gives Brooke a run for her money in local celebrity status.  He knows everyone from the dude bagging his groceries to the mayor.  At this point, Bridges is the Paris Hilton of Rutland, and poor Brooke has to be Nicole Ritchie.

Pat and Rob Z. and the night is complete.

Back at Two Shea’s drinking continues. Rutland locals call out “Pat Bridges” and “Brooke Geery” respectively with a look of awe in their eyes. Our table expands with the growing fan base. I have no idea who has joined us.  I got a kid named Donny, Jim Kelly via a cell phone, and some kid that “used to be hot” when Brooke was 16.  The rest have ironic sayings on their T-shirts, and one kid is carrying a skateboard around as his TGI Friday’s flair for the evening.

Bridges entertains the crowd with his natural charm and wit.  He offers Brooke some advice on making money.  He suggests telling said airline that they broke the display on her camera, which was obviously destroyed during a drunken evening in Barcelona. He suggests encouraging the next airline she travels on to pay for the display. We are all a little skeptical until he informs us that his sister received 300 bucks from the airline that broke her hymen.

Drinking continues.
Brooke is not that drunk and wants to go home.

Catherine is drunk and wants to party.

Bridges and Rob are buying drinks.

“Oh my god, is that Pat Bridges?”

Guys, let’s go to the Office!

The patio is getting cold. The girls are complaining. So we move to the next bar.  At this point, all I know is we are going to a bar called the Office.  It is like “2 blocks away” and is in someone’s living room.  Our two-block walk is more like ten, but the walk is fairly entertaining. We go by a porn shop and its counterpart, the Stoplight bar, which serves the porn shop’s clientele.  Brooke yells something about porn at the bartenders standing at the window.  They give us a dirty look and our journey continues.  The next distraction is a window at a trophy show. There are all those basic trophies displayed: basketball, snowboarding, skiing, and “general awesomeness.” And then it is spotted, the trophy of real greatness and achievement.  It is a light bulb mounted on a run-of-the-mill trophy stand.  We were all speechless. But we ALL wanted one.

The Office is in our line of sight.

We are almost in the door.

“Oh my god, is that Pat Bridges?”

We are in the door.

The bar is full. It’s all redneck-white-trash individuals in their 40s-50s.  My attention is drawn to a 50-something-year-old woman playing pool alone. She is wearing black boots, a skintight black skirt. Her top that is black but ripped to expose an awesome hot pink Lycra something or other underneath. This ain’t Hot Topics shit. We are talking Torrid.

Someone asking me for my ID brings me back to reality. Before I know it bar regulars are suggesting we go to “Jilly’s” and some trashy woman is scampering off into the back room with Brooke and I’s IDs.  She returns a few minutes later refusing to serve us because she can not see the holograms.  At this point, everyone is yelling shit.  I opt to intervene in the hologram scenario.  It seems the most exciting of the options.  My ID is like not even a year old and the holograms are easier to see than my actual birth date.

Brooke’s on the other hand takes a little bit more work, but I find them and show them to this lady, who keeps insisting she had bad eyes.  She OKs me, but insists that if we want to stay she is calling Brooke’s ID in to the cops to verify. People flip out again. Everyone is a little drunk and testy. The crowd is encouraged to stay and Brooke is recommended to let them call the cops.  She agrees. It is all for story’s sake really. The cops verify Brooke is real.  This bar and its employees are forced to welcome and serve us.  So we embrace the bar and join the crowd, which quickly disperses once it becomes obvious we are staying. The rest of the Rutland fan base enters the bar at this point, totally missing the best part of the evening thus far.

Yeah, the Office is great!

This place is kind of amazing. Bridges strikes up conversation with the bar tender. There is an awesome laminated sheet behind the bar with a list of names on it under categories “trespassing,” “barred,” and “liquor list.”  Bridges commends the bartender of the cleanliness of the restrooms. She remarks that they are known for having the cleanest bathrooms in all of Rutland. Others concur and validate this amazing achievement.  1 AM rolls around. The bar tender is putting up bar stools and turning off the lights. We decide to go home. The evening has been pretty solid. Everyone is satisfied with its results.

We are walking home when we hear “unnnntttta uuunnntttaaa” music coming from what apparently used to be a vintage store and is now a giant gay dance club.  It is called Shuka Dukas and it has a cover.  We almost bail at the 3-dollar cover when Bridges decides to pay.  The door lesbian lets us all in for 10 dollars, and the night rolls on.

We found a spot in a prime location in the back corner easily accessible to the bar.  Some girl rolls over and gets into talking to Donny. She is inappropriately dressed for her size, but I think the alcohol is giving her that confidence she needs to go for it.  She is talking to Donny and her shit is hanging out.  Apparently she asks for his number.  He is totally into it and gives her Jim Kelly’s number.  She is psyched. You would like to think she would bail at this point, but she moves on.  She’s all over dude in sight. I am personally fascinated by the amount of skin I do not want to see, yet am able to.  I got a couple of great shots of her ass and Bridges.

Hopefully Brooke is inserting them….um here….

I think her pick up line is working. Oh yeah, and if she didn’t want to fight be before, she certainly will now.

People are way drunk.

Bridges decides it is time for Brooke to puke.  He orders her a shot of Jack to help the cause.
We are almost there.

Wait, “oh my god, is that Pat Bridges?”

Brooke wants to go home.

Catherine wants to party.

Everyone else could give a shit.

It is almost 2 am.  We begin to walk back to the cars.  Brooke is swaying down the sidewalk…. And we are out.

If you were wondering about the other three Rutland bar tours, here they are. Be warned, the fourth was the best so if you feel let down by this one, please don’t bother reading…

Part 3

Part 2, Part 2.1

Part 1

-Olivia and I have a ongoing list of brilliant ideas in my phone which we add to as needed. This week’s addition reads “Saunas with weed, but NOT hot.”

-We are watching this week’s episode of Millionaire Matchmaker. One of the couples falls madly in love, on the first date. They detail their soul mated-ness to Patty. Each one of them gushes how smart the other one is. Olivia then goes, “Aw. I love it when stupid people think other stupid people are smart.”

-I am discussing a girl I know who maybe isn’t the brightest. I explain that she went to college. I then add, “Well, she went to art-school-college.” Matt adds, “Art school college: Home of the mighty fighting paintbrushes.”

-It has been really hot in LA this week. It has been actually borderline miserable. I am whining that the couch and my computer and my hair are all contributing to my hottness, one afternoon. I then and announce, “I wish there was a way to have nothing touching you.” Olivia thinks for a moment then adds, “I think its called standing.”

-Clueless is on TV. So we cancel the afternoon to drink margaritas or smoke weed or something and watch it. Me and Olivia get into a discussion about how the movie inspired the young creative types in us. I explain how I used to doodle outfits in my notebooks. Olivia talked about how she did the same. She even had aspirations of becoming a fashion designer one day. I then add, “Ah the 1990s. Before we knew all our dreams were impossible!”

-Clueless is coming to an end. I suddenly remember that I have the new Kimya Dawson CD in my car. I suggest that after the movie I go get it. I then add, “Wait. Would it be weird to sit here and listen to a CD together?” Olivia nods her head, “Super weird.”

-Olivia is walking to the kitchen to make food, when a commercial for Survivor comes on. She pauses, looks at the TV, and then announces, “I want to go on Survivor so I can get really skinny.”

-The uninteresting Kardashian sibling (the boy) gets some huge crazy tattoo of his dead father’s face on his forearm. This week’s episode involves him revealing the tattoo to his sisters and mom. Olivia helpfully suggests that he should have gotten it somewhere less conspicuous, like his back. She adds, “Sometimes I forget that I even have back tattoos.” I nod my head in agreement, “Sometimes, I forget that I even have a back.”

-I drag Olivia with me to see one of the old waitresses from Cinespace. She is also a singer/songwriter type and is playing a show at the Hotel Cafe. The show ends. We are waiting to see if people want to go eat afterwards. I am Twittering and checking my Facebook and such on the sidewalk outside. Olivia is standing bored next to me. She suddenly remarks, “I wish I had internet on my phone. Then I wouldn’t have to talk to you either.”

-We come home with a different weed strain than we usually get,  last night. Olivia informs me this morning that she has a weed hang-over. I tell her that I don’t really remember going to bed last night. I add, “There are candy wrappers everywhere and I can’t feel the inside of my mouth.”

-Olivia is discussing either UPS or the USPS and is unclear which she is referring to until I ask her. I then sort of simply yet brilliantly suggest, “UPS and the USPS should just collab and call it a day.”

-Olivia informs me that my bedroom window screen is completely broken and lying on the ground outside. She is confused by the whole thing. I look awkwardly down at the ground and then back at her, “Me and Kelly broke it.” I continue, “We were plugging her Ice Cream Truck into my room.”

-I make a new friend this week named Matt Goias. I am whining about my boy problems in the car after meeting him the day prior. I am also being sort of needy and annoying. He opts to not attempt to improve my mood at all. He instead announces, “You are not a big deal Sarah. Wait let me correct that. You are a big deal in a five block radius of Hollywood and a one block radius of New York.” I shrug, “I presume in New York it’s the one block radius of the Missbehave office?” He smiles, “Yes, there.”

- En route to Vegas I get worked up about motorcycles driving in between cars in traffic. I decide to unleash my diatribe on Olivia and Matt. They fake listen. I then announce, “I am going to write a letter to my senator about it.” Olivia then asks me if I know who my senator is. I shrug, “He’s nice.”

-I am not a huge fan of bathing suits. But we end up in Vegas and therefore bathing suits are inevitable. I do not have a bathing suit with me. So we attempt to create a bathing suit out of one of my bra/bikini tops and an extra bikini bottom that Olivia has with her. I look at myself in the mirror and cringe. I put clothes on and we head to meet Matt. I mumble, “Olivia thinks I am pear shaped.” Olivia also suggests that I could in fact be tear-drop shaped. Matt confirms, “You are tear-drop shaped.” I look at him annoyed. He then adds, “I don’t mean Geometry. I mean actual in terms of actual sadness.”

-I relocate from the couch to the ground in front of the screened door at my home. I begin to light up a cigarette. Matt looks at me confused and eventually manages to inquire what I am doing exactly. I shrug and smile, “We don’t smoke in the house.” He looks down at me, nods his head and goes, “Of course.”

-Brooke informs me that the flight she is set to go on is overbooked. People are volunteering left and right to give up their seats. I agree that it seems like a good idea in this economy, with the recession and all. Brooke adds, “I blame the economy for everything now. It makes me feel less responsible for myself.” She then adds, “I blamed it for something really funny yesterday. I think it was something like cell phone service.”

-I have never made a Facebook event. So, I force someone to show me how to do so and I enthusiastically follow said instructions. Then Voila! My Yard-sale is a Facebook event! I start getting really into it. Watching people RSVP and the numbers going up. While, I don’t have any desire to have another “event” at my house, I DO enjoy the feeling of the Facebook bit. I begin to inform Olivia that I am going to start making fake Facebook events to boost my self esteem. She even helpfully suggests I hold my fake events as bars and such, to make it funnier.  I shake my head insisting I hold them at people’s houses. I nod brilliantly, mentally planning my first event at Gina’s. Olivia seems concerned that Gina’s level of internet intensity could in fact lead her to discovering said event.  I shake my head confidently, “I doubt it.”

-Sorry this was short. If you feel let-down attempt to enjoy my Twitter. It’s been a weird week. I am re-grouping

-My phone is about to die while out and about in Austin. I opt to make a list of what at the time I deemed important phone numbers in case my phone completely turned off.  Jessica looks at my list and asks why Franki Chan is on it. I look at the list and think for a second, “I guess it’s more like people that would help me if I got lost in Texas.”

-We are leaving Austin for our journey back to LA. The girls I am with are all saying goodbye to Melissa and Will and thanking them for letting us stay. Everyone is hugging and being nice.  Neither Melissa or I are particularly touchy feely. We opt out of the hug fest.  Will notices us and remarks, “Make sure no one tries to touch Melissa and Sarah! They don’t have feelings!”

-We are watching the Bad Girl’s Club episode where they go on vacation to some sort of Spring Break-esque place in Mexico. Two of the girls get on stage and take their clothes off. They proceed to stand in their underwear under some shower type thing getting wet and being sexy. I excitedly clap and turn to Sally, “Look they are making it rain on them hoes! This must be what Rose means when she says that!”

-Olivia is driving. We are at a complete stand-still in traffic. A car attempts to turn in front of her into a a McDonalds. Olivia becomes irate. I am unclear why. She explains that the guy in the car looked at her weird. She pauses for a moment. She then adds, “Ok maybe he just looked at me.”

-I make an alarming sound and motion to Olivia’s phone on the coffee table.  She is confused. I explain that her phone is next to a cup of water and it’s making me nervous. Olivia ignores me. I add, “I don’t have many rules of organization, but the one I DO have is no liquids near electronics!”

-We are watching television. A commercial for some new-ish Resident Evil video game comes on. The voice over creepily says, “How would you return to your life after being in hell?” Oliva looks at the TV and shrugs, “I guess it depends on what hell was like.”

-I inform Olivia that some teenage boy wrote me on Myspace asking if i would model for him in exchange for him cooking me dinner. Olivia replies,  “Oh wait till you crush his dreams by telling him you charge upwards of 500 dollars a day!”

-My vision is getting really bad. I have no insurance and am unclear what the protocol is to see a doctor in order to get contacts. Erika crushes my dreams. She explains, “Poor people don’t GET contacts.” Confused I ask her what poor people do in order to SEE. Erika remarks, “They wear glasses.”

-I am over at Steve’s admiring his new fancy house which doesn’t have much furniture besides a giant poker table. His closet door is partially open. I slide it entirely open and discover his clothing is not only hung up in color coordinated fashion, but also by shades of said color. My mouth drops. He asks me if I am impressed. Still flipping through his clothes I manage to reply, “It’s admirable Steve. As you may know, I keep everything I own on my floor.”

-Steve is showing me how many comments he gets on his blog. Jacob is asking me what I am doing since the magazine I worked for is now done and gone. I am explaining that a clothing company hired me to launch them a lifestyle blog type site. Steve interrupts, “I was thinking that you should hit up a clothing company.” I look at him blankly and reply, “I am glad you kept that to yourself and didn’t mention it to me ONCE during my two months of virtual unemployment.”

-I get pulled over in Orange County for failing to wear my seat-belt. The cop is asking me my hair color, eye color, and other descriptive questions. He then asks me how much I weigh. I cringe. I then reluctantly reply, “I am gonna lie and say 140.” He points his pen at me, smiles, and replies, “And I am gonna lie and say 135!”

-Olivia’s mom is genuinely concerned that she doesn’t have a boyfriend and is encouraging her to get “out there” and what not. Olivia is detailing her mother’s concerns to me. Due to the fact my mother has never brought up a single concern related to my dating habits or lack there of, I decide to text her. I write, “Are you ever worried I won’t get married?” She replies, “What? No! Have you seen Zack and Miri make a Porno? It’s SO funny!”

-For reasons unknown there is a photo of me on the flyer for Cinespace. Confused I ask Jason about it. He explains that some Dim Mak intern made it. He has no idea why said intern decided to use a photo of me. He apologizes and assures me he will go back to making them from here on out. He then adds, “But I might put a hidden Sarah Morrison now on each flyer!” I add, “Oh fun. It’ll be like Where’s Waldo!”

-Olivia asks me if I am going to Cinespace Tuesday night. I look at her like she is crazy and tell her I can’t possibly go. Confused she asks why. I remind her, “BECAUSE there is a picture of me on the flyer?! They might make me DJ or something.”

-Diddy Twitters asking us all to do something in remembrance of Biggie on his birthday. I reply, “Juicy is my ringtone! I am just making people call me tons and then not picking up!”

-Don’t forget to come to the Yard Sale Clothing Swap Tomorrow!

-We go downtown to these fashion shows for some sort of LA fashion week. I get a press pass and am issued into a line with other press types. We are set to go into the show first for our prime seating. I whine to Olivia, “I don’t want to sit with Press. Those people are so boring.”

-According to Olivia people stare at me everywhere I go. I am just rarely paying enough attention to notice. I turn to Erika and Olivia one afternoon at the Beverly Center, “Why is everyone staring at me?” I continue, “Is it because I’m wearing the same outfit as yesterday?”

-While at the mall, I remark to Erika and Olivia that I enjoy seeing unattractive pregnant ladies. I add that I especially like seeing unattractive pregnant ladies with hot dudes. Both of them stare blankly at me, waiting for more. I add, “It’s like someone had sex with you! There is hope for me!” Olivia rolls her eyes, “Sarah, someone had sex with you yesterday.”

-We leave Thursday afternoon for our road-trip to SXSW. One of the girls  in the car remarks that she likes the hoodie I am wearing. I explain that one time at the Missbehave office, someone had asked me what was on said sweatshirt. I in turn had told them it was penguins. Hayley pauses for a second and then inquires, “Wait, what it actually on it?” I shrug, “Sunglasses.”

-During the car ride, Hayley starts explaining her thoughts on the drug debacle down at the Mexican border. She details some outrageous incident where she witnessed a group of vegans doing a bunch of coke. She remarks that they seemed to care about the lives of animals,  but not those of the Mexican children lost to get them their cocaine. I nod my head, “Every time I am about to do a line I pause for a second and say “I’m Sorry Juan. RIP little man!”

-I fall asleep in the car.  Upon beginning to fall asleep I had begun a playlist of fun things for the car’s inhabitants to enjoy. Upon waking up Birdy asks, “Who is the guy talking? Is he some kind of preacher?” Still half asleep I tune my ears into what is on and remark, “Sort of, it’s David Sedaris.”

-I am explaining the varied sources of my income to the girls in the car. I go through the list of freelance gigs and whatnot. I begin to explain the music blog I write for. I am interrupted by Birdy, “I thought you don’t listen to music?” I quickly reply, “Oh, it’s just electronic music. It doesn’t count.”

-I run into my infamous ex-boyfriend Mike down in Texas. He inquires about my diet and why exactly I am dieting. I explain, “I gained a ridiculous amount of weight while I was living in New York.” He asked how. I blame it on take-out and weed. I then add, “I think my mindset was sort of like I am a writer now no one can see me!”

-Mike is at SXSW with Adidas. They are showcasing shoes and doing video interviews with musicians and celebrity types. They interview me on Social Networking and New Media type stuff. After the interview is completed, Mike remarks, “You are very well spoken on camera.” I thank him. He then continues, “It’s weird cause when you talk it’s like blah blah blah I am Sarah Morrison.”

-One of the boys working the Adidas thing is wearing those Jeremy Scott for Adidas sneakers that I have been trying to make mine to no avail. I simply turn to him and ask if I can have his shoes. He looks down at his feet, then at me, and remarks, “I don’t think they would fit you.” I get kind of bummed. Mike sort of baffled by the conversation he just witnessed goes, “I like that he didn’t say no.”

-My phone is about to die. I inform Mike that I am trying to locate a charger. I add, “I am tying to find Steve. He has got to be DJing somewhere with a phone charger.” He quickly replies, “He DJs with a phone charger?”

-There is a girl in a cute little 90s super tight mini-dress at the Mad Decent/Iheartcomix festivities Saturday night.  I go up to her and tell her how much I like it. She says to me, “All night, people has been telling me I am like Kelly Bundy or Kelly Kapowski!” I think for a moment, “Those are two very different people.”

-We end up hanging out with a drunk band one evening. Some band member annoyingly motions to us girls and yells, “Everyone on Joeys lap for a photo!” Joey slides his chair back waiting for us to jump on said opportunity. Jessica remarks at an equal decibel, “No one on Joey’s lap! How about a photo of Joey by himself!” Joey seems just as excited as the flash goes off.

-I am outside some bar with my Macbook trying to return emails since my Blackberry is dead.  Everyone who I  presumed was inside at the table where I had left my purse, appear on the sidewalk.  But I am quickly reassured someone is still sitting at the table inside. I add, “Ok good. I am more concerned about my Chloe bag than this one with my Macbook in it.”

-Brooke informs me that she is glad I decided to go to SXSW. She says she is excited to read this week’s Best Week Ever. She adds, “It’s always so much better when your week isn’t you sitting around smoking weed and watching Tyra.”

-Melissa begins telling an amazing story about a friend of mine who is sort of hilarious/slightly insane. Somewhere towards the end of said story Melissa asks Olivia if she has met said girl. Olivia has not. Melissa then reiterates how insane the girl is. Olivia sort of shrugs, “All of Sarah’s friends are really crazy.”

-We are discussing Denny’s for some reason. Melissa and Olivia have both recently dined there. The three of us begin reminiscing about Denny’s via stories circa high school. I reveal the story of my first date, in which I go to Denny’s. (The short version: I am forced to pay for the whole meal and in order to get in his car am forced to climb through the trunk.) They both stare blankly and awkwardly at me as I finish the story. Olivia manages to remark, “Aw, that’s why you hate dating!”

-We are set to go to some party. I am trying to convince everyone that we should simply stay home and watch TV. I am vetoed and forced to get dressed unwillingly. I manage to get ready. I then look at my fancy pretty self in the mirror and sadly remark, “There’s weed stuck to my lip gloss.”

-Olivia is attempting to shut the windows and lock them prior to leaving the house. She is shutting the window by my bed when she notices that it won’t actually close or lock. She is trying to force it shut and getting annoyed. I helpfully announce, “Well, they will just steal me first!”

-Louisah is forced to drive me down to Skid Row for the party we do Saturday night, after I lock myself out of the house and my car in the driveway. I am admiring the amount of tents and tent inhabitant type as we drive around looking for parking. I ask Louisah if she would come visit me if I moved into a tent down here.  I then add, “Honestly, think about how much that would save on rent.”

-Lousiah and I are having trouble locating parking spaces. Upon turning on to a one way street, I notice a spot on the block behind us. I encourage Louisah to reverse the whole way back to the parking space since no one is around. She declines. I suggest, “If you get stopped just act totally confused.” I add, “Just be like “What? I swore I was going forward!”

-Bonnie and I sit out in the cold being door girls at Major Saturday night. Gina keeps asking us an array of questions every 20 minutes involving who is at the party, who is not, and varying degrees of those two questions combined. We are looking the list up and down attempting to answer some question that I am no longer able to remember. So I go, “I would say Franki Chan is the biggest celebrity at your party.”

-An array of people walk in the door and discover my bed moved in front of the TV in the living room and me in it. I attempt to explain that I tried to take a nap in my room and it hadn’t worked out very well. I added, “There was nothing to do. It was really boring.”

-Olivia discovers me and Erika on the verge of sleep in front of the TV early Sunday evening. Half awake, Erika mumbles an explanation about the debacle blaming a weed cookie and me. I sit up and point incriminatingly at Erika, “It was your cookie!”  Olivia nods and looks at Erika, “If that’s true, she is actually right.”

-Olivia starts explaining something about the mailbox and how one would get mail out of it. I inform her I don’t get mail. She begins to think and remarks that the only piece of mail she had ever actually seen me receive was a scarf of mine that Steve Aoki had and therefore had mailed to me. I nod my head and announce, “See, I am living off the grid!”

-We are watching the enthralling season premiere of Tyra’s other show, America’s Next Top Model. Tyra name drops Paulina Porizkova at some point and homegirl rolls onto the screen. Sally points at the television and excitedly announces that she is her favorite model.  Olivia attempts to quickly correct her, “I thought Sarah was your favorite model?!” Sally shakes her head, stares blankly at the TV, and replies, “No it’s Paulina Porizkova.”

-I go to meet Melissa one morning. I inform her that on the drive over I has seen a girl that looked exactly like Melissa circa high school. Melissa inquires if I took a picture of said girl. I shake my head, “No, but i waved to her!”

-One of Olivia’s friends comes over to watch the Nip/Tuck finale. Fortunately for all involved, she talks through the entire things and we end up spending 3 hours rewinding it and re-watching parts because of this. She becomes convinced at some point the actor who plays Christian is some former cast member of Dawson’s Creek. She spends the majority of the three hours attempting to validate this fact. To shut her up, I finally agree with her and state, “Nip/Tuck is actually a Dawson’s Creek spin-off. It’s literally Dawson’s Creek: the college years.”

-Olivia’s friend that makes TV hard to watch later gets upset that the little black kid on the show is named Wilbur. Unclear as to the source of her anger, we inquire more. She reference’s Charlotte’s Web and it’s protagonist Wilbur the pig. She explains how the naming of a black child Wilbur would be racist. Upon understanding the correlation, I roll my eyes, “That wouldn’t be racist. It would just be bad parenting.”

-We finally reach the credits on Nip/Tuck. The DVR prompts us to decide whether we would like to delete the episode. Olivia turns to me unsure. I clap my hands excitedly and yell, “No, let’s watch it again.” Both Olivia and her friend seem alarmed, until I inform them I am not serious. Olivia’s friend points at me and announces, “You are really good at kidding!”

-I walk into the kitchen one afternoon. Olivia is standing in front of the open the refrigerator. She asks me if I think it’s too early for her to start drinking I shake my head and inform her is it not. I then peer into the refrigerator, “Is it too early to start eating cheese?” Olivia shuts the refrigerator door and quickly replies, “Yes.”

-Lloyd and I are fighting. He originally becomes mad at me do to an altercation with a friend in which I did not stand up for myself. He begins revisiting his anger towards me one evening on Twitter. I get upset. Rose inquires what the latest thing he had said to piss me off was. I reply, “He called me white!”

-Olivia is discussing Twitter and the whole people who follow you vs. the people you follow bit. I am sort of half listening and announce, “If I could chose who to follow on Twitter, I would only follow you and Sally.” Olivia confused manages to explain to me that I CAN and DO currently chose who I follow on Twitter. I nod my head, “Oh yeah.”

-I turn to Olivia and remark, “People should never used the term “shit storm” it’s an alarmingly vivid reference.” Olivia quickly replies, “Oh, you are reading Franki Chan’s Twitter too?”

-I cancel on a boy one night this week. He is annoyed. In retaliation, he informs me he is way too busy the rest of the week to possibly hang out. The following evening, I read some girl’s Twitter that says she is at dinner with him. I am rolling my eyes and expressing my annoyance to Olivia when he texts asking if I want to do something.  I turn to Olivia, “I am going to tell him I am starving and make him go out to dinner again.”

-I am about to take a shower and decide to kindly announce this fact to Olivia.  I walk into the kitchen in a towel and ask, “Do you need the bathroom? I am going to go shave my entire body.”

-We are watching a commercial for that model show on Bravo which Tyson Beckford hosts. Olivia stares at the TV and asks if Tyson Beckford has tattoos on his arms. I look closely at the screen and remark, “Either that or he has tights on his arms.” I realize what I said and nod, “Yeah, probably tattoos.”

-Maude goes to some meeting of a secret sect of virgins who are promising their hymens to God or something. She is set to pretend she is one of them in order to write a story on the whole thing. After returning from the venture she explains, “I told them I was you.” Confused, I ask for more information. She explains, “When the virgins asked my name for some reason I just said I was Sarah Morrison.”

-A friend of Olivia’s comes over one night. Me and kitty Olivia’s cat are sitting on the couch watching television. The girl looks over and remarks, “Aw she is so pretty!” I simply reply, “Me? I know right?”

-Dan and I are discussing the poverty epidemic that seems to have plagued us and everyone we know. I have an amazing idea and suggest it to Dan. I say, “Let’s rob Steve Aoki’s house!” Dan agrees with the brilliance in this idea. He adds, “And let’s rape Jacob!”

-Some dude writes me on Facebook. He explains that a friend of his had seen me out in Brooklyn one night. Said friend had then proceded to describe me as “larger than life.” I inquire if by large, he meant physically large. He explains, “Not wide, no.” He continued, “He said you were tall and leggy with a really large face.”

-I am doing the door for Dan’s birthday party Saturday evening. I am sort of positioned away from everyone. I find myself playing Brickbreaker and eating candy to entertain myself. My boredom subsides when the drunkest girl in the world discovers me. She decides she is going to spend her evening speaking incoherently to me and dancing in circles around the chair I am sitting in. One of the only things I actually understood her say the entire night was, “Sorry, I am not usually this nice. I just really like people when I am drunk.”

-I am talking to a gentleman friend of mine who runs a website that makes no money, but in theory should. He is detailing his level of poverty including the fact he doesn’t even have an apartment. I offer to let him live in my backyard. He declines due to the fact he has plenty of “girls’ beds to sleep in.” I excitedly suggest, “Charge them to sleep with you!”

-We are stopped at a light on Sunset in front of that giant oil change place called EZ Lube. Olivia points at the building and announces, “That was my nickname in high school.”  I begin to try to empathize with her, when she interrupts me to tell me she was kidding.

-We meet the dude that lives in the house next to us. He is actually kind of hot. He says his name, which we both interpret to be Gordon. He corrects us, explaining that his name is Cordon. I remark, “Oh, your parents were creative.” He immediately shakes his head and says, “They were Irish.”  I smile, “Even Better!”

-I am having trouble trying to find a way to extract a large sum of money from my bank account to give to Olivia to pay for our housing deposit. My bank account is out of New York with no branches here. I am also out of checks. And they refuse to give me my full bank account number over the phone due to some bank policy. Olivia then adds, “Can’t they email or text it to you? Or like post it on Twitter?”

-I found this really ridiculous book at Savers a few weeks ago called Y2K for Women. It details steps and precautions women should take to prepare for the oncoming apocalypse that was set to occur at the turn of the century and unfortunately never actually did. I am showing Olivia my favorite parts. She goes, “Let’s create our own Apocalypse scare.” I get excited, “Let’s have it be on my 30th birthday!”

-I receive a text message from a boy I know at 9:02 am. It reads, “What are you doing tonight?” At 9:02 am.

-Olivia and I are attempting to drive to the PCH but not positive we are going in the right direction. I mention that it would be sad if we were going back to New York instead of towards the water. We begin to edge over a hill. Then voila water. Olivia shakes her head, “I would have been so sad if it was New York.”

-While job searching aka. looking for “Gigs” on Craigslist I discovered an ad for a receptionist. The skills of the ideal applicant were amazingly described as so,”Ability to read and write at a level normally acquired through the completion of college in order to process informational messages.”

-We move into our new house. It could use some work, but I am lazy and don’t really care that much. Olivia on the other hand is more ambitious. I decline her invite to Home Depot in order to sit on the couch and watch Wife Swap. Upon returning, she opens the door, begins to put her bags down, and remarks I brought home a Mexican man! I reply, “Does he like TV?”

Hey kiddos and welcome to the funnest most exciting contest ever! Nikita Clothing one of my favorite street-wear brands ever…. has given us the most amazing mysterious giveaway!

ANY bottom and top from their catalog YOU want, could be YOURS! Seriously. If you guys don’t get into this ish, I am making a video and winning it NOW.

Here is the actual contest: you record your version of Brit Brit’s Womanizer. Be creative! Straight up lip-syncing, spoken word, dance montages, rap-raps, dramatic interpretations…I am gonna stop cause I am just giving you more ideas.

Post the links to your videos in the comments below. The most amazing videos ONLY will be considered. So be amazing. Only the best will win, but all of them will be posted on Act Like You Know.

Good luck from Sarah, Act Like You Know, and Nikitaclothing.com

Click here to enter the contest

xo bitches

CONTEST DEADLINE: MARCH 31, 2009!