Sarah Morrison is famous on the Internet

Sarah Morrison recently came up with the best life plan ever. Instead of trying to do things that are fulfilling and make you happy all the time, just do the most ridiculous things possible and appreciate the random and amazing occurrences that pop up each and every day. Ever since adopting this theory, Sarah has had the best week ever. And although it appears on Myspace each week, we’re not above poaching content. We have also become aware that not everyone has Myspace and some people depend on reading it here. And those people would like a way to contact Sarah without a Myspace profile. If that is you, click here. Withour further adieu, here it is, the Best Week Ever.

-Caroline’s phone breaks. Unfortunately, she is unable to receive my Happy Holidays text message. I inform her that I am going to yell “Merry Christmas” to her from Los Angeles to Connecticut. She confirms she hears me “Loud and clear.”

-So I discover on Christmas day, Rite Aid is open. I decide to spend an hour browsing. I opt to purchase a pair of those reading glasses they sell for old senile people. My plan is to take the lenses out of my one armed glasses, and put them into these frames. I realize after getting in the car that they don’t fit. I go to the next Rite Aid, only blocks away, to try and exchange them. I stand in line for twenty minutes. They tell me, they need my receipt, which is in the car. So I just hand the glasses to the cashier and go “Merry Christmas!”

-Victoria learns over the holidays that her sister is a lesbian. I recommend her and Melissa start a “My Sister is a Lesbian” support group.

-It is that time of year, again. The time of year, where I decide to quit my job because “I do not like doing it.” I ask the internet for help in finding me a new career. I compile a list of things I do not or can not do. This list includes: elderly people, sitting, and carrying things that are heavy…among others. Melissa recommends that I instead compile a list of things I CAN do. I inform her I would not want to “limit myself.”

-Outside of Robeks one day this week, I am approached by some twenty something year old dude. He asks me if I can “help him out.” I inquire a little about “what the hell I am helping him out with.” He informs me (while eating a Robeks four dollar vegan cookie), “I am not homeless or anything. I just lost my pad or whatever.” I stare blankly at him, roll my eyes, and hand him a dollar.

-Killington makes one more step closer to becoming Vermont’s Disneyworld. According to Brooke, they have signs in line detailing the wait time until you reach the lift, or Space Mountain whichever.

-I try to inform my dad that I have lost a cavity. My dad informs me that I have lost a filling. I still have the cavity.

-I get “pulled over” in a Taco Bell drive-thru. This involves a cop pulling behind you in line and sitting there staring at you until you inquire if he is ordering or not. So I learn I have been “pulled over” for running a light, 8 blocks back or so. I give him my information. Back-up arrives like usual, when it come to pulling me over. Twenty minutes of weirdness goes by, when one of the four cops begins questioning me, due to the fact, they are under the impression I have given them fake documents. I answer questions regarding my vehicle purchase date, vehicle color (the police officer and I disagreed on this one), race, eye color (the police officer and i disagree on this one, as well.), height, and finally weight. I respond, “I weigh maybe 125, wait 130.” (I point to Taco Bell and sort of shrug) He doesn’t laugh. I have a court date.

-Working retail on Christmas Eve is very interesting. Employees do not want to be there. Customers want to buy as much as humanly possible in the shortest amount of time. The whole Customer/Employee thing makes for a fascinating dynamic. After the third or so customer asks if we are listening to Usher, Daryl responds “It is what Jesus would want.”

-I find myself out of ideas on how to spend Christmas alone, and little to no set of “beliefs” to call me own. I opt for Christianity and bake Jesus a birthday cake. It was really good.

-One of my favorite seventeen-year-olds, Naima, is upset today upon arrival to work. She does not want to talk about it. I ask her if there is anything I can do to make her feel better. She shakes her head. I then offer to adopt her. Naima thinks this is a perfect solution to her problems. Shes adds, “You did go to school for Child Development.” It is true. I did.

"Beau you are loved. Beau you are missed. Beau you are forever in our hearts."

-I receive an email from a girl who went to summer camp with me. It is called “comma.” The email details the fact that she has stumbled upon my Myspace profile and is appalled by my inappropriate use of commas. She continues on about when to use commas in grammatical terms for an entire paragraph. I respond, “There are pictures of my panties on there as well to distract people from the commas.”

-I am the new Chase Lisbon. I own Cingular’s version of the sidekick. I formally announce this on the internet Saturday. America’s Patrick Martin expresses his concern like so, “Oh Christ. Are you also going to stop in the middle of every sentence, point at me, and then sidekick it up like crazy? Cause you will soon, if you aren't now.”

-Earlier this week, a customer I am ringing up is discussing the latest Michael Jackson drama. She explains that his multi-million dollar bank loan is due to Bank of America, that very day. I announce that they should be less pissed when my 89 dollar credit card payments are late.

-Melissa finds a new calling in Karaoke, at my work Christmas party. She explains to Tiana and I that she thinks “performance clubs” will be the new dance club. She goes into detail about this new venture. She explains that club goers will be given a microphone and a leotard when they walk in, and will simply return them at the end of the night. Tiana expresses a concern in the area of "health," being the reusable leotards. Melissa explains, “We will keep on the hygienic crotch liners.” We all nod.

-Ben has knee surgery and I obviously forget. He calls me shortly after to talk. I go, “You sound sexy.” He explains he is on Vicodin.

-Some dude decides to return 1200 dollars worth of shit to our store, one evening this week. He senses we are not so thrilled with him. He seriously asks, “You guys don’t like returns?” I seriously ask, “Have you ever worked retail?” He had not.

-Chase has seven senses. He has the regular five, the Bruce Willis one, and one where he can tell if girls are “into it.”

-My friend Ben announces over lunch that he has plans to make out with a celebrity. I get excited at my ability to make this happen. I offer him Taylor Anne, due to the fact, she had a major role on Passions for a year when she was in high school.

-Naima and I are ringing up a customer at work one night. Naima turns to me and says, “Sarah I saw that commercial with your exboyfriend in it on MTV again. He is really hott.” I glare at her and respond, “Thanks Naima.” The lady we are ringing up looks at Naima and goes, “That was probably the worst thing you could have possible said to her.” It was.

-My cat Kiki pees in my hair while i am sleeping, one evening last week. This week she pees in my purse. Sue has recommended I put her in diapers. I am legitimately thinking about it.

-My internet friend “Ralph” writes me a message today that reads as follows, “They should feed mayonnaise to Tuna, that way you wouldn’t have to mix in your own."

-Melissa has me “model” yesterday. This modeling venture involves her taking pictures of me, in front of other peoples houses, within a five block radius of her Echo Park home. Each new shoot she does gets a clever title describing her latest idea. This one is simply called “90026.”

-I stumble upon a list of things to do on the road trip from Los Angeles to Austin. It was written for me, by my friend Beau before our adventure last month. Point four reads as follows, “Don't eat too many things that you wouldn't eat at home as well...on the road things can be tempting...but remember.....mud butt is no fun when you have to shit in a truck stop.” Beau you are loved. Beau you are missed. Beau you are forever in our hearts.

-I receive a Myspace message from a kid who lived in the dorms with me in Plymouth, New Hampshire, approximately an eternity ago, or so. It reads as follows, “Let's not forget how, in the spring of '99 you wanted them to put Hit Me Baby One More Time on the speakers at the half pipe at Loon.” Its true, I did.

-A homeless person comes up to my car window at a light one evening, this week, asking for money. I inform him, I have none because my drawer was short at work. He stares blankly at me. The light changes to green. I wave, and drive away.

-At 5:30 AM Sunday morning, Melissa and I are sitting in the car waiting for the flea market to open. We are listening to some sort of radio program about the American obesity epidemic. Melissa announces that the two radio hosts both “sound fat.”

-Melissa unveils my early Christmas present, being the R Kelly “Trapped in the Closet” DVD. Melissa, Bettie, and I watch the DVD in its entirety, Friday evening. Melissa remarks half way through, “Nothing else rhymes with closet?”

-We are getting ready to go out last weekend. Melissa is putting on makeup, and her Paris Hilton perfume. I reiterate how much I hate the smell of it. Melissa goes, “Well whatever, it smells better than my armpits.” I suggest Paris use Melissa’s slogan for the perfume’s next PR campaign.

-Nothing says “the Holidays” like a drag queen in a Christmas sweater. Seriously, nothing.

-I see a boy I work with at a bar, one evening. He calls in “sick” the following day. I inform fellow employees, I may have in fact seen him “getting sick” the night before.

-A 60-something year old dude carrying a guitar and a large antique sword, approaches me at the flea market Sunday, inquiring if I would like to go out sometime.

-Pat Bridges sends me one of his bimonthly messages. This one is called “764.” It details his concern with my number of Myspace friends. Apparently, they may become liabilities. I may be called to testify to any one of their “characters” in court. He then settles with an upside, being all 764 of them can be called to get me out of some sort of legal trouble when I am, inevitably, stuck in some Texas jail.

-My Itunes is skipping, at all times, making it fairly useless. I am using Windows Media player. Windows Media Player comes with some sort of window of acid trippy swirling designs, which “swirl” with the music. I ask the internet for help, hoping someone will instruct me how to fix Itunes. One of the most helpful responses comes from someone offering to send me a bunch of Phish bootlegs.

-A friend of Brenda’s, (one of the Mama Stone Vintage models, yes, there are others besides me) approaches Melissa at the flea market. He inquires whether Brenda is Melissa’s favorite model. I call him an asshole. Melissa points to me smiles, and announces, “No, Sarah is.”

-We are doing a Secret Santa thing at work, for our holiday party. A girl I work with is complaining that she does not know what to buy for her "Secret Santa." She explains that she has never even met her. What she does know is that her "Secret Santa" is 20 years old, and has two kids. I recommend another child.

-There is an apartment rental application on the counter in the back at work. I pick it up and read the applicant questionnaire section which goes as follows “Have you ever been evicted from another premise? Have you been convicted of any drug offenses? Have you can any credit problems? Do you own any water filled furniture?”

-My internet friend “Ralph,” asks if I can give a “shout out” to a friend of his, in Houston. He instructs me to just inform readers that in this week’s Best Week Ever we will be doing “shout outs.”

-Brooke is in Mexico this week, on official Wakeboarding business. It is brought to my attention that she may be missing in Mexico. I inform her via email, “If this is at all similar to that episode of 90210, let me know, and I will come get you.”

-I attend a lovely early Holiday gathering this past Sunday. We are in the kitchen eating and drinking. Some girl points to the clock by the stove and asks if time is “going backwards.” She is informed that it is actually the stove timer.

-Melissa is explaining that she is wearing “crotch-less shorts,” to a boy from Boston. Caroline and I are having a separate conversation within feet of her. We opt out of our own conversation, to instead join Melissa’s much more interesting one. We are disappointed to discover Melissa has simply decided wearing a dress is just like wearing crotch-less shorts. Regardless, we toast to “Crotch-less shorts.”

-We are outside smoking cigarettes. A girl nearby is smoking Capris. The boy lighting her cigarette calls them “fancy cancer.”

-I ask a customer the other day if she is “finding everything ok.” She rolls her eyes and responds, “I am not actually. Everything in this store is too small for me.” I am smiling, nodding, and walking away, when I realize she did not say “yes.” I turn around, and she has already left.

-I am running through traffic, across Sunset Blvd, hoping no one will kill me. Out of one of the many irritated stopped cars, a boy yells, “You are lucky. You are too cute to run over.”

-Two girls at work are discussing how our clothes get holes really easily. Christina jumps into the conversation and adds, “I know. They stain really easily, too.”

-Melissa makes a brief appearance at my work one afternoon. After she leaves, Naima announces that Melissa is her “favorite customer.”

-Naima answers a phone call at work from our manager. She calls to speak to “Henry.” She repeats this to Naima maybe three times, before Henry is handed the phone. Naima turns to me finally and says, “Henry, I swore she wanted to talk to Henley, like one of the shirts.” Shockingly, she did not.

-I am approached by some dude from the Playboy Channel out at a club this week. I give him my contact information, for whatever he is casting for. I weigh the options with Brooke on the phone, telling her it would be really funny, but I would have to get naked. She agrees. I then settle on, “Everything is funnier, when you don’t have to get naked.”

-An “Asian” mom and her two teenagers come in to the store, one evening this week. She buys them both a bunch of clothing, and they are on their merry way. I receive a phone call an hour later from the daughter that goes as follows, “Hey, this is the Asians who were in earlier. I bought a headband and it’s not in the bag.” I, sort of not thinking she really just referred to her family as “the Asians,” ask her to repeat what she just said. She does. She gives me her name, so I can put the headband aside for her. And no, it is not “Asian.”

-I receive a Myspace message from a band called Lord Hall. The message says that the band has been searching profiles for people who have Lord Hall listed in their music interests. Apparently, mine is one of the three that comes up. Upon, further inspection, it is because I have both Hall and Oates and Mary Lou Lord listed. I agree to listen to their band anyways.

-Will mails me a CD of his. The cover reads, "For Sarah, a nice girl with cool boots and black hair. Love, Will."

-Melissa forces everyone present at her house to play Scattergories. She explains the rules in detail, without missing a single loophole in the entire game. I cut her off when she begins to go into rolling the dice properly, “She is just doing this so that you all understand every single part of this game and she can win fairly. She agrees, and everyone sort of nods a little bit scared.

-I announce at work this week, I purchased a digital camera. Someone inquires about what type of camera i have purchased. I respond, “A digital one.”

-I am getting my oil changed this week. I meet a local restaurant owner in the waiting room. He begins his conversation with me as follows, “So are you Turkish?” I shake my head. He follows up with, “What is your last name?” I tell him it is Morrison. He ends with, “That’s not Turkish, right?” I inform him it is not.

-My friend at the oil change place keeps going. His next attempt at conversation goes as follows, “So what are you 19?” I reply, “26.” He then informs me he had four glasses on wine at lunch and the lighting seems strange.

-Will patrols his mom’s record label website message board for fake posts, being ones generated by search engines and whatnot. He stumbles upon one that reads, "Grongratulations on your excellent site!" We insist he keep it, computer generated or not.

-I meet a friendly drunk gay boy in San Francisco this week. He recommends I get my hair done in a salon in Newport, he worked in over the summer. He informs me that they “do Serena Williams and a bunch of the hobbits.”

-I sleep in my brother’s living room on a couch, while visiting Northern California. There are several others in the room as well. It is very “college.” I am up, others are still sleeping. I boy I used to know is talking to me, but finding himself physically unable to whisper. I ask him to “Shhhh.” He points out that there are fire trucks going by, as well as police car sirens. I roll my eyes and ask him to do “his part.”

-I am slowly walking in the rain after my three hour shopping adventure at San Francisco’s new H&M. A dude behind me yells, “My god, move.” I respond, “You are an asshole.” He turns, looks at me, sorts of shrugs, and states, “I know.”

-My brother has a roommate. She is one of those people that leaves notes. We enter the kitchen the other morning and discover a glass with roaches trapped under it. The note on top reads as follows, “I found three roaches in this kitchen! I want you all to see! And I want them to suffer.” There were only two.

-A very well intentioned, lovely girl is in New Orleans, helping disaster victims. She in a wonderful girl, but lacks a little bit in the areas of productivity, focus, or accomplishing even the most menial tasks. I am discussing what roll she is playing in the relief efforts with my friend Tiana. Tiana simply states I just picture her spinning in circles yelling, “I am a hurricane too!”

-Will forwards me the Myspace profile of a girl he has deemed “the fat retarded me.” He instructs me to “check her out.”

-A large drunk woman is on a cell phone, outside a retail store I am working at on Hollywood Blvd, this evening. She is asking people for Vodka. After one passerby denies her, she states to the person on the phone that it was because she “is white.”

-We are out to brunch with Will’s parents and some of their friends on Sunday, after they have gotten out of church and we have gotten out of bed. We learn that one of the women is divorced and starting to date again. She is discussing she will be going on her fourth date with said gentleman, that very evening. She is unsure of what to wear. Melissa responds, “Fourth date? You will probably be wearing a whole lot of nothing.”

-Melissa is discussing air fresheners without any help from Will and myself, in the car the other day. Will and I are discussing the weather. Will comments on the size of the clouds. Melissa inquires, “What do clouds smell like?’

-Greg, the drummer for the famous band Brothers and Sisters, gets up and runs off stage to the bathroom, in the middle of a song, during their show the other evening. The band is perplexed and everyone kind of stands around trying to figure out what to do. He comes out of the bathroom and back on stage and simple states, “Whatever. My part was over.”

-Brothers and Sisters play two sets, at their show. The band actually does not have enough material for two full sets. Will announces on stage, “We will be playing a lot of the same songs from the first set. Greg, our favorite drummer goes, “Let’s just play them all really fast this time.”

-Melissa is speaking in codes. She is trying to tell Will she needs to go “outside,” at one of his shows the other night. She goes, “Will, we left something in your truck.” He looks at us blankly, due to the fact, we did not arrive in his truck. She repeats, “Will, we LEFT something in your truck.” (This time sort of winking, and whatnot.) He looks at us confused and responds, “What?” I state, “My virginity.” He gives Melissa the keys.

-Will is having a top secret cigarette the other evening, while his parents, who do not know he smokes, are inside. After the cigarette is finished, he asks if any of us have gum or anything. Beau offers those Listerine Pocket Strips. I add, “I have douche in my purse.”

-After almost running out of gas on the 10 in Texas, we stumble upon a gas station just in time. There are cats everywhere. Melissa and I are playing with them. The lady who owns the gas station comes out, and asks us how many cats we count. Melissa responds, "Eleven." The lady nods. She explains, “Eleven is what I counted. We had thirteen of them. We gave three away. We have eleven now, girls.” She shrugs and heads back inside.

-We finish our drive back to LA on Thanksgiving morning. We pass hitchhiker, after hitchhiker. I recommend to Melissa we pull over and really creepy-like ask one of them if they "would like to be our turkey."

-In some motel, somewhere this week, we are watching television. The commercial for that new Snowboarding movie comes on. I get Melissa’s attention, because she had not yet seen this amazing trailer. She responds, “Ok. Didn’t the “Snowboarding Revolution” already happen? Aren’t there like Snowboarding video games now? Wouldn’t that be like doing a movie about the scene in Boston NOW, and us not being in it?”

-I am driving, when Melissa goes, “Oh my god, an exotic animal resort?” I wait for her to share more. “Oh, exotic, I was thinking erotic. Look at the Zebra on that billboard. He looks like he is about to start stripping.” He did.

-I find a postcard sitting next to Will's coffee maker. Che Guevara is on the front, and it is addressed to Will’s sister Lily. It simply reads, “Lily, I love how you love the world.-Mom.”

-My brother Sam sends Melissa a response to a Mama Stone Vintage bulletin, featuring items i am modeling. It reads, “Which is Sarah’s favorite? Tell her to buy it and it will be her Christmas present, just send me the bill."

-Melissa announces in the car the other day, “Driving is like a cross between Tetris and Frogger.”

-I am looking at candy in a truck stop in Arizona, when a dude stops directly in front of me and yells, “Holy shit. You are better looking than Cher.” I respond, “Cher?” He says Holy shit again.

-Bettie calls the other night and is talking for a while and suddenly pauses and goes, “Where are you?” I tell her i am in Phoenix. She ask if i am in Phoenix “for Meth.” I respond, “Yes, this is the only city in the country with Meth drive-thrus.”

-Melissa and i are discussing ways for my new website to make money without me taking off my clothes. We get to the topic of banners, Melissa says, “Well, really you could get anyone to advertise like KY Jelly, maybe. The only one i can think of that maybe would not make sense would be like, I don’t know, maybe, Auto Zone.”

-We are driving on the 10 somewhere in New Mexico. The sign on the highway reads “Pearl Harbor Memorial Highway.” Melissa says, “So, where is Pearl Harbor, here?” I tell her it is in Hawaii. She adds, "I knew it was somewhere near the water." I remind her we are in New Mexico. She then says, “Well, i don’t know who the Vice President is either. Wait, is it Dick Cheney?” I nod.

-I ask Lily if she has any moisturizer i can use. She instructs me to look “in the bathroom mirror." Melissa goes, “OOH this is like the Matrix.”

-Melissa is sort of cleaning her computer screen with her sleeve. Will looks over and asks her if she licks her computer screen. She admits to doing so. Will states, “They should make flavored computer screens." Everyone agrees.

-So we get pulled over in El Paso for speeding, shockingly. The cop states that California residents are immediately handcuffed and taken to jail, due to some glitch in their state to state compact agreement. I am writing you this from jail. Ok, not really.

-Melissa and i invite ourselves along for Will’s band “Brothers and Sisters” West Coast tour in the Spring. Will announces that the tour is going to cost “fuckloads.” He appears to be doing the math and pauses and says, "There are eleven people going. So, what is fuckloads divided by eleven?”

-We are waiting for a table at an Indian restaurant the other day. Greg, a friend of Will’s, is smiling and staring at a near by baby, He turns to Melissa and I and goes, “Do you see how cute that baby is?” We kind of nod and try to ignore him. He then says, “Don’t you just want to touch it.?” I do not think either of us said anything.

-Beau is discussing his musical interests last night. He is announcing his favorite bands and giving detailed descriptions of why he loves each of them. I am not really paying attention when i hear him say, “I would have sex with a dog, if i could talk to Axl for five minutes.”

-At approximately three in the morning on the way back from Will’s show, we all decide we want food. Our options are a little limited, due to the fact it is three in the morning. Will announces, “I want to go somewhere with a Drive-Thru, but somewhere with water. Maybe, like a water drive-thru.”

-My laptop crashed. Will has a friend who is known as a computer genius. He comes over and asks me if i have tried a list of things. I respond yes, yes, and yes. He looks at the computer screen for a second, looks at me, and then goes “I am sorry.”

-Jayna posts a Myspace comment congratulating me on having sex with a celebrity. It is true, an old boyfriend of mine, is indeed, doing segments on MTV on converting bands vans to run on vegetable oil. I saw a commercial yesterday. Whatever, I can say I have had sex with a celebrity. Really, everyone wins.

-A sixty something year-old man comes in the store. He is wearing what I what call a captains hat and is walking with a cane, very “Life Aquatic.” He announces he noticed us from the street and decided to come in and introduce himself to “get to know us better.” I inform 17 year-old Daryl that I will probably have to “get to know him" first because I am closer to his age.” I then instruct her “not to tell her mom.”

-“Jesus” posts a Myspace comment instructing me to stay away from the corner of Sunset and Gower last weekend.

-A boy inquires whether any of us, being the girls I work with, want to be in a movie he is making. I say no. He then explains to me that it is actually a silent movie. I stare blankly at him. I say no again. He keeps going. I then respond, “Is it an invisible movie?” It is not. He stops.

-We are getting in the car on Melrose the other day. I am dressed a little inappropriately for the weather, being a sort of bootie shorts and bodysuit ensemble. We are almost in the car when some dude gets our attention and really unconcerned asks me if I am cold. I go, “Luckily I have this car.”

-A lovely gay boy I work with, arrives at the register with my purse asking if he can have gum. Due to the size and content of my purse, I need to find the gum for him. I am ringing up a girl at this moment, and pause briefly to locate the gum. He looks at the girl I am ringing up, chewing the gum, with my purse in hand, and goes, “You are really pretty.” She awkwardly smiles.” He then says, “Don’t worry. I am gay,” and leaves with the purse and all.

-Tiana is in her Human Sexuality class at school, the other day. Apparently, they are discussing gender roles in sex. The teacher asks, “How many people have had sex?” (Everyone raises their hands) Then, “How many people like sex?” (Everyone raises their hands) She then asks, “How many people like rough sex?” (Only Tiana raises her hand.) I guess a couple of dudes pull her aside afterwards, to see if she wanted to “study together.”

-Some kid comes in the store to see if any of us would be willing to model for his paintings. Daryl misses the whole thing. He is walking out the door, when she inquires about what exactly is going on. I explain the scenario. I add, “He will be right back. He is getting something to show us.” She goes, “Yeah, um a gun.”

-I was visiting Tiana at our Melrose location. A customer grabbed one of those reach-y poles to get down a shirt that was hung up high. I insist I will get it for her. She looks at me strangely and goes, “Wait do you work here?” I respond, “Not really, but more than you do.” I hand her the shirt.

-Some guy comes into our store asking if we sell white jumpsuits. A coworker of mine tries to assist him in finding a white top and bottom set instead. He insists on a white jumpsuit, and asks if he can have one made.

-One of our Back Stock boys asks to borrow a cigarette today. He looks at the cigarette and comments on how I should pack them, so I do not "pop my cherry." I explain that I popped my cherry in a motel room on prom night. My dress was hanging on the back of the door. He goes, “My mom’s conversion van.” We both nodded and walked away.

-Due to internet drama my Myspace.com “Top Eight” has been changed to Jesus Christ (yes), Sex and the City (obviously), Boston (the city), Mama Stone Vintage (for which I model), Brothers and Sisters (my friend Will’s band), Start! (a now dead electro-new wave-Boston-dance-night), Indie 103 (a Los Angeles radio station), and the OC (self explanatory).

-Bettie is miserable working at the Airport and is unclear as to why. I let her know that it is because she works at the Airport.

-A wise man, from the past, calls me this week to discuss some things that are going on that would not classify as “Best Week Ever” material. In closing he says, “You know Sarah, crazy people are really the sanest.” I agree.

-The camera goes off accidentally during my latest Mama Stone Vintage photo shoot, producing a photo of me, kneeling in front of a mirror doing my make-up. Reno says you can see up my dress in the mirror. Shockingly, he is correct.

-We go to some shitty Halloween party. Tiana is dressed as Peg Bundy. She manages to break off one of her heels. I suggest we break off the other one, so she can make it through the evening. So we both start looking in our purses for some sort of heel breaking device. I come up with, “I have Mace?”

-I am going back to Texas next week. Cross your fingers and hope for the best. I am bringing Will, Brian Wilson and Sugar-Free candy for having us. Oh, and don’t tell Texas that I am bringing Meth.

-I receive a Myspace comment from a girl this week that reads as follows, “You seem really really cool. I want to be you when I'm older.”

-Mama Stone Vintage sponsors a bowling night, last Friday evening for its models. I arrive a little late due to work obligations, with a few of my fellow employees. It is recommended we split into two teams, due to the amount of people involved. Melissa goes, “You guys can be one team called Team American Apparel.” (Pointing to me and friends) I respond, “Oh good. They can be the other team, Team Model.” (Pointing to an entire bench of models.)

-Melissa leaves both teams for a bit, as she searches the entire bowling alley for “the ball she used when she was there, last week.”

-I lose the entire bowling game with a score of 38. Tiana inquires about my trouble with the sport, somewhere around the middle of the evening. I tell her, “The balls are heavy. They keep falling.” She responds, “If I had a Best Week Ever that would be in it.”

-Some guy is looking at this cool weird Tyvek jacket, we carry at our store. He asks one of my coworkers if it is water resistant. She explains to him how well if repels liquids of any sort. I walk by and go, “Yeah but it is definitely flammable, keep that in mind.”

-Melissa and I are researching PDAs and other overcomplicated phone-ish devices on the internet the other night. She is googling god knows what, when she turns to me and goes, “It says Wireless Phone. Who asks for a Wireless Phone? That’s like asking for Cellular Internet.”

-At work, we are instructed to dress the mannequins in fall attire, using Halloween-ish colors. I dress mine in what I am personally wearing that day, with a few fall-ish colored things thrown in. “She” also may or may not have a thong in her hand, and bikini top on over her dress, upon being placed in the window. I stumble upon one of the boys I work with. He appears to be changing “her” outfit. I go over to him, to inquire about it. He tells me he has been instructed to do something about “her state of undress.”

-I am dressed as an American Apparel version of Snow White today, at work. So, I am kind of assisting a customer pick out a jacket. He is staring a little blankly at me, during this process. All of a sudden he says, “I know who you are.” I go, “Snow White?” He says, “No you are Sarah Morrison. You are a really good writer,” I thank him and remind him that I am also a really good Snow White.

-I try to introduce Kristen to a bunch of my friends, out at a bar the other night. I try to introduce her as “from home.” This does not work, because everyone asks if she is from Boston, pretty much, in unison. She then explains, “She is from Rhode Island, lived in Providence, and did a lot of drugs in Boston.” People are kind of nodding and listening. She then goes, “So pretty much from Boston.”

-Reno recommends I make Sarah Morrison Barbies, who are dressed in my various fashionable Mama Stone Vintage outfits. They will have strings you pull to hear them recite lines from Best Week Ever.

-Zack announces he is going to a rave with Tiana. I stare blankly at him. He says, “Tiana wants to go to a rave.” I respond, “No she doesn’t.”

-I work with a girl named Christina. Of course, I have taken to calling her Xtina, at all times. So, Tiana comes into my work and I introduce them to one another. Tiana believes her name is Xtina and just assumes her “parents are foreign or she is a pop star.”

-So we were unable to recall Britney’s baby’s name, at work the other day. On top of this, our internet was down, leaving us without access to the answer. Megan took it upon herself to go around asking customers if anyone knew Britney Spear’s baby’s name.

-I am sitting outside my work smoking a cigarette with one of our back stock boys. A dude walks by us with a gas can and asks for a cigarette. I think we just stare at him.

-One of the high school girls at my work tells Melissa she likes her tattoo. Melissa says, “You can have it.”

-I force Tiana to come visit me the other evening. She walks in and goes, “You are wearing a unitard, denim shorts, and platform sandals. I tell her I know. She responds, “Huh.”

-Dana was trying on a thermal lined hooded sweatshirt. She looks at the 56 dollar price tag and goes, “Why is this so expensive?” I say, “Thermal comes from this really rare animal.” She says she thinks it is “the cougar.”

-I try to point out to Dana the other day that I am, in fact, wearing a bra. She looks me over and responds, “Sarah, you are wearing a metallic bikini top.”

-Brooke is driving across the country this week. She asks some high school kid at a skate park in Wyoming what they do for fun and he apparently responds, “We just do Meth and have sex with each other.”

-I am the number one most watched “Vintage” item on EBay, currently. This is fairly impressive, considering I am only 26.

-It is brought to my attention that there is a homeless dude selling tank tops from our store, at the burrito stand next door. He had been in earlier, so him stealing a bunch of crap is likely. I head over to the burrito stand to investigate. I go, “Hey, did you steal a bunch of tank tops from my store?” He responds, “No, I love you.” I say, “Well, I heard you did.” (He is now kind of trying to hug me.) He continues to tell me he loves me. He then grabs one of my boobs. I think i love him too, now.

-I want Tiana to be my sister. I want to adopt her, or my mom to adopt her, whichever.

-After much thought, we really could not figure out the whole “Xtina to Christina” thing. It really makes little sense, actually. So, to be fair, I am now going by Xrah.

-Pat Bridges sends me a message the other day titled “Just in Case.” The body of the message just read suicidehotlines.com. Apparently, it is a website devoted to making suicide seem fun. I think Bridges’ cryptic message has something to do with “the internet” discovering where I work.

-Melissa’s landlord tells me I look like an elf the other day. I manage to respond, “Thanks,” without really thinking much about it.

-Dana and I go out to breakfast last weekend. I have to go straight to work, after. She comes with me because she wants to buy some underwear. I am giving her the “what I would buy, if I were her” tour of the store. I say, “Well, we are doing a promo on Bandeau dresses today. They are 15 percent off. They can be worn a bunch of ways. They are very versatile.” She looks at me blankly and goes, “What did you do with Sarah?”

-At work earlier this week, some dude wants said shirt in said size, which our store only has one of. The one shirt has a small, almost invisible, stain on it. He asks me if he can get a discount on it. I agree to give him ten percent off. He asks for twenty percent off. I go, “I would give you twenty if it was, say, missing a sleeve.” He settles on ten.

-I no longer give out my phone number to dudes. I have resorted to being one of those people that gives out there email, instead. I tell Melissa I am slightly afraid someone might sell it on EBay. She agrees.

-We are discussing the whole “everyone who works in retail is trying to be something” phenomenon, out on Tiana’s birthday evening. We discuss coworkers who are aspiring models, actors, and musicians. A friend of Tiana’s turns to me and asks seriously, “What are you trying to be?” I go, “Me.” He looks at me blankly. So I say, “Or Tiana?”

-A local business owner comes in the store to give us some information on a community meeting of the neighborhood businesses, which is to be held later in the week. He hands me the information on the meeting and says, “Someone is holding up that tobacco shop next door. There is this hott cop chick just standing in front of the store with a shotgun. You guys should check it out.” We all kind of just stare at him. He shrugs, and leaves.

-Reno DeNada of brokenhomepictures.com, also known as my “internet stalker” or “internet boyfriend,” depending on who you ask, sends me a link to a new trailer he has made. It is blowjob and penetration free. It instead, features a picture of me in a leather jacket and sunglasses looking very Charlie’s angel hott cop-esque, in Melissa's yard. It's opening credits read "The Internet's Sarah Morrison in Backyard Detail." Reno calls this new venture “Stalker Porn.”

-At an Oakley party last night, I witness Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite in an oversized suit doing some sort of insane Sex-Ice Capade dance off with a pseudo stripper, wearing some sort of side less bodysuit. Yes, that is it.

-At the slightly fascinating Oakley party last night, I met some dude with a backpack who apparently is some sort of big time ski “filmer.” He is so “big” he thanks me for not knowing who he is. I reveal to him I have never skied before. He instructs me to go to Mammoth. I agree to go, hoping our conversation will end. He goes on and on about powder runs and I nod like once, maybe. I then say, “And I will never snowboard again, huh?” He looks at me and responds, “Oh snowboarding. No, you probably will.” He picks up the backpack and leaves.

-I can finally say I have seen Lil’ Jon DJ. I can also say he volunteered to “skeet” on all the ladies in the house. Lastly, I will say the ladies in the house were really into the idea of this. Simply volunteering to ejaculate on them, may not have been quite as effective. Skeet just has a “ring” to it.

"So, you are at Disney World, do you want to see Mickey Mouse with a cigarette?"

-I happen to be looking out the door, at work the other day. A dude on a skateboard rolls by, pushing a shopping cart full of like twenty gallons of milk. Somehow, I am the only one who sees this.

-I ask Dana to attend some shitty dance night with us on Sunday evening. She declines because she is going to see OJ Simpson. He is signing autographs at some horror convention. I try to ask what exactly OJ Simpson is doing at a horror convention. Dana simply reminds me “he killed a bunch of people.”

-Myspace creates “the Top 8” this week. Finally, junior high, survivor, and the internet join forces giving you the ability to select your favorite friends and display them for the entire world to see. This may be the best and worst thing to happen to the internet in quite a while.

-I park on the same side street, near my work, every day. There is actually another Dark Green Toyota Tacoma, with Massachusetts plates that parks there regularly, as well. One night, I am walking to the truck and I hear the familiar “gay Boston accent.” I officially meet the owner of my truck’s twin. He grew up in Worcester. He lives on the street. I tell him where I work. He promises to come visit. I kind of forget about the whole thing, until one of the girls I work with confused goes, “Um Sarah, some gay guy says he has your truck? He came into the store looking for you? He says Hi?” I try to explain the story to her. It didn’t really work.

-After much thought, I have come up with my Halloween costume idea. Yes, I am going to be Britney’s baby.

-During training at work, I am told, we are not to smoke in front of the store because customers do not want to see you with a cigarette. They want to view you a certain way. I am then asked, “So, you are at Disney World, do you want to see Mickey Mouse with a cigarette?” I did not answer. I think it was rhetorical. So just this week, it is announced, we are no longer able to go out back to smoke EITHER, for security reasons. Terrorism and bootie shorts do go hand in hand. I, and a few of my fellow employees, have taken to just eating them, like pixie sticks.

-Katie Holmes is supposedly pregnant with Tom Cruise’s baby. It is totally Dawson’s.

-One of the teenage girls at work, is running to get cigarettes at a shady liquor store next door, in her work ensemble, last night. I ask her to get me a drink. She returns running in the door, throws the drink on the counter, and heads straight to the back. Apparently, two thugged out fat girls ask, “Are you cold?” perhaps due to her bootie shorts and tank top in October. Somehow, she manages to respond to the larger tougher girls, “Are you hungry?” According to her, they may or may not be right behind her. We might all want to “hide.”

-I am approached by a drunk dude at Cinespace Tuesday evening. He says, “Hey, so let me guess, you just got kicked the fuck off America’s Next Top Model?” I laugh. He gets pissed. I recommend, while drunk, maybe just trying to call girls “pretty.”

-I try to explain to Chase via text message that Melissa may have met her soul mate, being a boy who works with me. I describe him as a Jewish Skateboarder. Chase goes, “What happened to the seventies-hippie thing?” I respond, “It is now the “Sporty Jew” thing.” Sporty Jew WAS Melissa’s favorite Spice girl.

-I am on the phone with Leah the other day. She is at work at Levi’s. I am at home lying out in a bikini. All of a sudden, “Hold on Sarah.” Then to someone else, “That one has three arms.” She claims, she’s referring to a clothing rack. I am sure she is referring to some “top secret next season Levis” that are in the works.

-So, Hethur is talking to two of our many barbeque guests, Sunday evening. One of the guests is discussing having difficulty with wording and writing in general. Hethur asks him, “Have you ever been tested for Dyslexia?” He goes, “No, just AIDS.”

-Brooke’s Myspace “about me” section reads as follows, “The Female Pat Bridges Oracle.” I offer to put her on my mantle next to my pet rock.

-Oh, rumors. Leah runs into some kid, who went to high school with me. He asks her how I am doing. Apparently, he heard I am not doing very well and “am going through a lot right now.” Leah thinks he may not “have the internet, yet.”

-Melissa and I are trying to come up with a list of outdated terms, we still use in every day language. The only one we have actually come up with, thus far, is “glove box.” No one keeps gloves in there. No one even has gloves in their car. It is a perfect example, until Hethur adds, “No, Chase wears gloves driving. He totally kept them in your car.” Melissa goes, “But actually in the glove box?”

-I keep Dana around for her internet celebrity status. That is a lie. I keep her around because she is funnier than me. We are talking the other day about coping with the haters, which I seem to be getting more of, the bigger "this" seems to get. She thinks I can handle it. I think I can to. She has agreed to be my “sponsor” just in case.

-Melissa decides to discuss her thoughts on combating pollution, at the barbeque, Sunday evening. She draws a sort of parallel between LA and Mexico City, being both filled with excessive smog and surrounded by mountains. She suggests both cities' issues can easily be resolved by using “industrial bombs” to take out the mountains.

-I have been speaking “in grammar” lately. I figure it might help with my inability to use commas ever, while writing. Brooke is supporting me in this venture comma and now can shut up about it period.

-The Flipfold is some amazing invention that makes folding t-shirts a breeze. Please, do not confuse it with the “Flip and Fuck,” which is some sort of couch cushion people insist you sleep on, while visiting. I am sure most retail professionals will agree. The Flipfold is awesome. You lay a shirt on it. You then fold the left and right sides over. You flip up the top and you have an amazing rectangle of a t-shirt in front of you. While appreciating this device, also known as “folding,” I discover, it says right on it they have a website. The site gears itself, logically, towards the American Housewife. And, these housewives are really into this shit. They are folding everything in sight. They love laundry now. They love their children now. They write testimonials about it. Husbands that have never received head in their entire lives are getting it now. They have the Flipfold to thank.

-So, I call a boy I used to date, earlier this week. I leave a message that goes as follows, “Its Sarah. I sent you a link to my Supercult article. If you have not read it yet, you should. Because, it is good and I used to have sex with you.”

-I take notes. Chase takes pictures. Our Supercult.com Super Adventure is up, and in full force. Go look at pictures of my panties, laugh at my story, and wish you were with us. Actually, you will probably wish you were us.

-Some homeless-esque dude comes into my work. He is talking about his sobriety, with a bunch of flyers on Jesus, and a handful of those giant pixie sticks. Someone goes, “No thanks.” The guy just walks out. I know. I am pissed too.

-So the Circle Game is a game that Chase plays, or people all over the world, who knows. You make a circle with your hand. You position it somewhere below the waist. If the person you are with looks at it, then you get to hit them. Really, it is fun at its best. I decide to play during one of my Mama Stone Vintage photo shoots. Go play too. I can’t really hit you anyways.

-So these gay boys come into my work. One of them is so into his outfit, he wants to wear it out of the store. We oblige. I go, “You do look really cute.” He goes, “I know. I mean thanks. No, I look cute and I know it. You look cute and you know it. Like I don’t really have to tell you how cute you look.” I shook my head and said, “No, you don’t.”

-As many of you have heard, Chase and I have unveiled our Supercult.com Superadventure. Among pictures of graveyards, us, sunsets, and people we meet along the way, there may be some pictures of my cat. Perhaps, there is a picture of Kiki foaming at the mouth, one of Chase holding her by the neck trying to hang her from the rearview mirror, and another of her panting with her mouth open like a dog. Melissa’s remarks on the entire story and its hundreds of photographs goes as follows, “I do want to say one thing. I do not like the way you two portray Kiki in all of this."

-You are lying, if you have ever worked in retail and say you have not thought of sticking the tag gun through your ear, to see if it would work. It does. I am currently wearing two “Invisi-Thong" price tags as jewelry.” I scan at 24 dollars before tax. Oh, and I scan.

-Melissa has this pair of Hudson jeans she owns and refuses to let me own as well. I decide to buy them, and opt to wear them to work and never around her. She gets pissed anyways. She goes, “I told my therapist about this. She knew you were going to buy them.”

-So, this dude comes into my work today. He’s a bigger guy. He is trying on maybe 80 different colored t-shirts that are way too small for him. We are getting him more shirts. He is getting more shirts. He ends up destroying the entire wall of folded t-shirts. A billion shirts, even x-smalls are all over the floor. Three of us are trying to come up with a plan, as to how we are going to fix this. I walk over to the register to ring up the ONE he decides to buy. The other two arrive shortly after with piles and piles of his destruction. Zach goes, “Have trouble finding your size, dude?” The guy just kind of shrugs and goes, “Kind of.”

-I get a Myspace message from a “Chris,” who has no photo, with a subject line that reads “deleted.” I open it up and learn it is Chris Ryan. The message reads as follows, “I almost deleted my account today because I hadn't been on it for a while. Then I started reading all your stories and realized I couldn't do it. So I just deleted my picture.”

-Chase's sidekick broke. I personally have already been instructed to text message people for him. I am LOLing. I guess he is not getting a new one for a week. I do not know if he will make it. I am off to Walgreens for a few get well soon, and sorry for your loss cards, just in case.

-So, I am helping Melissa sell clothes at the Rose Bowl Flea Market Sunday. She wanders off from our section, leaving me in charge. There is this hideous-puffy-white-long-sleeved wedding dress Melissa is trying to sell for 15 dollars. Some lady comes along and picks up the wedding dress. She looks over at me and asks what I think of it. I tell her it’s beautiful and go back to what I was doing. She then asks me if I would wear when I get married. So, I go, “Sure, it is very cupcake-y.” She looks at me blankly and puts it back.

-Tiana is instructed at work the other day to tear out a magazine page that has our clothes featured on it. She gets all irritated, hands me the magazine, and goes, “You do it. I am not good at arts and crafts.”

-Brooke calls me Wednesday afternoon just to let me know Britney had her baby, and that it is a boy.

-I am trying to ask Chase if he is still in Virginia via text message, while driving standard. At the next red light, I decide to review before sending, and read, “Are you still in Virgins?”

-I feel like people have been asking a lot lately about why I own a pickup truck. I really do not know. Yes, I did think it would be cool to be a hott girl getting out of a truck in a cute outfit. Update: we used it to move furniture this week.

-Melissa and I went out to dinner earlier. On the way home in the car, she announces, “I want to take my pants off.”

-I receive this voicemail message earlier this week. It goes something like this. ”Sarah it is Brooke. I am at Verizon. (Where I used to work in Vermont) Hold on.” At this point Brooke has Carolyn, who she has met maybe once or twice, get on the phone. “Sarah? Sarah? (Brooke is in the background telling her it is my Voicemail.) Oh, Voicemail. Hi. It’s Carolyn. I got your text message. I’m sorry I didn’t call you on your birthday.” You can hear Brooke in the background go, “She sent that message to everyone.” Carolyn just responds, “Oh.” And, end of message.

-So, one of the kids I work with, his band is playing a show in Hermosa Beach next week. I call Hermosa Beach Orange County. He gets upset. So, I call it Mexico instead.

-All hell brakes loose in LA, earlier this week. Traffic lights, public transportation, and power, in some places, go out because some dude accidentally hit some giant power switch. The news stations try reporting it as Terrorism, obviously. I do enjoy the image of a bunch of Terrorists sitting around trying to decide how they can “get” Southern California. I picture one of them raising their hand and going, “I know. Let’s make them late to work”

-I honestly receive a completely serious text message that reads as follows, “I am going to be in LA tomorrow if you’re trying to party, holla.”

-So, Chase told me he is removing “After much discussion, it has been decided that anal doesn’t count” from our Supercult.com super story. Initially, his concern is focused on it being a little incriminating, in nature. The second level of concern sets in when he realizes it kind of reads like we have been traveling around the country promoting this ideal at truck stops and national monuments.

-Chase wrote me a text message right before we were going out the other night, which read “Is everything still on?” I responded “I am topless.”

-I talked to Mike this week. He seems to have fallen into making wedding videos for people. I have a hard time believing that is something you just “fall into.”

-We were out on birthday evening at Cinespace. This guy comes up to me and goes “I love your dress. Keep it up.”

-Chase announced on my birthday that he had decided he was either going to get me a locket or a vibrator.

-I was recommending Brooke make out with some dude in Vermont that I think is kind of cute. She was not into it. I continued on about his physical pros and cons. Brooke goes “Yeah, he is like a shorter version of your type.”

-So I have been staying in Melissa’s garage this summer, when I have been in LA. I was sitting in front of the garage writing on my computer and one of the guys that live above the garage goes to me “You know Sarah, this whole thing (looking at me, the computer, and the garage) is very Anne Frank.”

-So I had just purchased a bunch of thongs at Nordstrom Rack. Chase apparently had formulated a new plan of buying the underwear for me, as my birthday present, but forgot to make me aware of this. He tried to hand me 20 dollars for the underwear I had already bought. Apparently Nordstrom Rack was out of lockets and vibrators.

-I wanted to go to Petco and make Kiki tags so the next time she escapes I will be a little less worried. Her tag reads “Kiki, I run away a lot, (and my phone number.)”

-So I almost found an apartment, but the girl whose place it is has a very temperamental cat. In order to continue on with any sort of possibility of me moving in, we had to have a play date with the two cats. Melissa felt the need to come along so “Kiki felt more comfortable.”

-I got a Myspace message from one of my many fans this week documenting a misprint in the “Rutland Bar Tour.” I wrote “Pat Bridges is known for his ability to smoke a cigarette while landing the sickest trick ever.” Correction: It is just “handplants.”

-So my metal allergy has grown from belt buckles and snaps on jeans, to all jewelry I own, period. (See a few months ago: “Due to my new found metal allergy, I can no longer have sex with robots,” For more on this…) While being physically allergic to all jewelry is a little bit of an inconvenience, I now have one more excuse as to why I can never get married.

-In the middle of Sunset Junction, Melissa tried to show me something on her thigh and ended up showing everyone within ten feet her panties. A police officer walked by at this very moment and goes “Don’t worry, know one saw that.” I go “And see Melissa, that’s what police officers are for.”

-We were sitting on the sidewalk on day two of Sunset Junction. A group of Ravers were standing close enough for us to hear their conversation. Raver 1 goes to Raver 2, “It smells like dirty hippies

-I met a kid named Aram on Saturday who had come down from Northern California hoping to experience Los Angeles, but had chosen the wrong group of people to be his tour guides. He was sitting around with us waiting to see what awkward scenario we would throw him into next, when Mike Z jumped in and goes, “You know who this kid looks like? He looks like Saget, (Bob of Full House fame) when he was younger and more vibrant.”

-Dana, Melissa and I were sitting on the sidewalk, (Yes, we are still sitting on the sidewalk) Melissa and I in mini skirts and Dana in shorts. Chase sat down and goes “I can see all three of your cooches.” He then renamed the entire event Cooch Junction, or Cooch Fest or something. I stopped listening.

-So Pat Bridges kindly forwarded me an article, this week, he thought I would enjoy. It seems Rutland is up in arms, as the Vermont smoking ban reaches their neck of the woods. People are pissed. It seems riots may ensue. Have you read The Rutland Bar Tour? If not you should. Sigh, when you could smoke in Rutland bars.

-We went by an Out of the Closet the other day, and began reminiscing about how they gave out free condoms. Melissa then announced “I really do not think you should have to pay for sex.”

-I ran into a kid from home last weekend. He goes “You know Mike (old boyfriend) was just here right? I said I had heard, and asked a few questions about what he had been doing out here. He then goes, “I really like Mike.” I somehow only managed to respond “Oh.” He then changed the subject.

-I was walking down Melrose on my break from work the other day and was approached by a toothless dude on a bike. He goes “Let me know if you’d ever like a full body rubdown, or you just want to hang out.” I told him I would call him.

-I went into 7-11 to get cigarettes on the way up to San Francisco the other morning. Melissa was standing with me at the counter and goes (to the cashier) “Wait, how much are cigarettes in San Francisco?” The guy just stared at us.

-So we were looking for parking on the way back to the hotel in San Francisco last night. There were at least ten hookers on the corner of Bush Street, and one of them was wearing my clear light up Wal-Mart heels. (See Springtime in Vermont for more on the saga of the clear heels)

-Last night we were meeting up with Nick (from Boston) at some bar in the Mission. I realized I have a message from him. I was listening to the message, and explaining to Melissa what our plan was. While I am detailing what is going to happen next, she pulls out her phone and is just staring at it repeating “I have a message too.”

-So Dana (of Supercult.com and Danadearmond.com fame) has some post on Myspace saying she has a new number and to write back to her to get it. She sends me her new number. Tmobile randomly generated her last four digits as “6969.”

-I do not think anyone will be surprised to hear I got pulled over in Texas. I was removed from the car and Chase and I were questioned separately about where we were from and where we were going. My cop had no problem with me giving Will’s address differently three times, but did not believe I could possibly be from Boston because I should have a “Boston accent.”

-I told Sue that Chase gave Kiki away in Texas, and got me a pet Armadillo instead. I then called the Armadillo cute.

-Somehow we found ourselves being driven around Austin by an 18-year-old girl. She had left Will and me in the car, while the rest of the carpool had gone inside. I asked Will if he wants to go outside and smoke a cigarette. He insisted on smoking in this girl’s car and goes, “Whatever she can tell her friends her car smells like smoke because she was hanging out with older kids.”

_ In Austin, we spent one evening driving around listening to Will and his friends yell “posers” at people on the street. It was fairly entertaining. It got real good, when they began debating whether people were “hardcore or posers.”

-We saw a sign on the highway in New Mexico that read “Gusty Winds May exist.”

-I was returning the key to some New Mexico motel we had stayed in, the morning after. I was tired. The lady at the desk thanked me. I managed to respond “Goodnight." Chase said she probably thought i was a hooker. He is probably right.

-Kiki sucks in the car. She makes horrible sounds and climbs all over you while driving. It had been recommended that I give her children’s Benadryl. So we are pulled over on the side of the highway in the desert trying to dump Benadryl into her mouth unsuccessfully. She starts foaming at the mouth and I spill Benadryl all over her. I start to panic and managed to announce “Kiki is pink, foaming at the mouth, and we are going to jail.”

-My new under aged friend Brittany (the car we smoked in) has Vincent Gallo and Matty Crocker in her Myspace “Who I want to meet” section. So she posts some bulletin about getting a tattoo of "Vincent Gallo wears a crown of thorns." My vote goes for the pseudo religious Matty Crocker one.

-We went to “Indian City” in Arizona. It is one of those tepee shaped gift shops off the highway. Chase was wandering around with some postcards. The lady working asked him to leave the postcards with her at the counter until he was done looking. He was all upset in the car about the injustice of some Native American woman thinking “Just because he stole her land, did not mean he would steal her postcards.”

-We stayed with a girl that worked at Hot Topics and her six roommates in Albuquerque. We went out to a bar with them one night. Apparently, Chase accidentally took a couple of Xanex and began telling them I had had sex with 17 guys on this trip. He detailed how amazing this feat was, due to the fact, that we had been gone for a week. The kid Chase is directing this all to, gives me this look "I get it now" look.. He began to detail blowjobs at truck stops and dudes on the side of the highway. Chase was still talking when this kid leaned over and high-fived me.

-A girl came into work this morning with a bagel and a can of Sparks. I looked at her laughing and go “Is that Sparks?” She looked at me like I was a complete idiot and goes “Yes, it is an energy drink. It’s like Red Bull.” I try to explain it has alcohol in it, but she is not having it. The manager walked over took it out of her hand and threw it away.

-I was shopping at Goodwill the other day. This girl is staring at me. All of a sudden, really excited, she goes “Were you on America’s Next Top Model?”

-According to Sue, Gansta Rap was invented in Memphis. Ask her, she will tell you all about it.

-I was talking to clerk in a Walgreen’s in Tennessee. I told him I was from Boston. One of his coworkers heads over and he starts to introduce me and says “I want you to meet Jackie Kennedy.”

-Chase and I went to Graceland Too in Holly Springs, Mississippi. This is way better than Graceland. This is the home of the guy that considers himself Elvis’ biggest fan. The place is full of transcripts from every time Elvis was mentioned in any television program ever, every TV Guide that has mentioned Elvis’ name, and a bunch of other crap that has little to no relevance to Elvis at all. The guy talks like an auctioneer. He spits out facts about Elvis, about his son who he named Elvis Aaron Presley, and then tends to yell out “Paris Hilton” or “Jennifer Lopez” for no apparent reason. He is building an actual replica of the jail from Jail House Rock in his backyard. He insists that women have fainted and peed themselves at the site of his son whom he named “Elvis Aaron Presley, who is Elvis reincarnated.

-So the guy at Graceland Too thought we were married, apparently. On the way out, he goes “Do you have a sister as pretty as you?” I assume I am setting my sister up with this guy, which I think may end up being next Christmas and Birthday present rolled into one. He says “Send her this way. We will have her marry Elvis Aaron Presley. He has had some trouble with the ladies. She can divorce him after six months. (He points at me and Chase) You two can take the money and live off it for the rest of your lives.” I laugh and go “I will send her this way.”

-We were stopped at a gas station in either Mississippi or Louisiana the other night. I come out of the bathroom and from what I hear Chase saying, I realize he is talking to a cashier girl and another woman working there about his penis tattoo. I walk over and the cashier girl goes “Well can I see it?” Chase responds “If you want?” She is all flustered and can not decide if this is a good idea or not. The other woman becomes skeptical about this happening in the store. The girl, finally, confidently says “Let me see it.” Chase pulls out his dick. Both women are laughing, screaming, and throwing their arms up in the air. The cashier girl tries to get it together and ask me if I want the receipt for the gas. I go “You keep it to remember this moment.”

-So we get to New Orleans to stay with some friend of a friend. We get there and realize our host has been drinking Jameson and watching Cartoon network alone for hours, and this is what she does on a daily basis. The situation is a little uncomfortable due to the fact she is wasted, she has a one bedroom obsessively clean apartment, does not know either of us, and even drunk is frightened at the sign of us. She gets a little more comfortable and starts saying shit like “I just drink alone now because I got a DUI and can not drive drunk anymore.” She then goes, “I love Audrey Hepburn. I totally looked exactly like her before I got fat.” I found myself just going “Me too” repeatedly trying to make her feel better.

-Chase has been having trouble with reception on his sidekick across the country. He turns to me and goes “How the hell does Paris Hilton get around the country?”

-We were walking down on Beale Street in New Orleans. There were horse drawn carriages everywhere. Chase asked me to get a picture of him with one. I was standing there holding the camera in my hand looking down the street waiting for said horses to roll into sight. He got all pissy. Apparently I was supposed to be framing said picture for like five minutes as we waited for these fucking horses to roll into view. I roll my eyes and go “What do you want me to do? I can’t move horses.”

-Getting out of the car, we saw a wallet lying in the middle of the road. Only a few feet away was a purse. We found a phone number, and called her about it. Obviously she was thrilled it had been found. On the phone we go, “Well, what happened? Did you get robbed?” She started laughing and goes “No I am just retarded.”

-So weird drunk girl woke up after her evening of Jameson and Cartoon Network and was convinced she was not hung over, but had the “flu.” She had gone to the store and gotten all sorts of medicine to battle this illness. It was now evening, and we returned back to her house. So I play the game. I asked her if she feels any better. I asked her if she eaten or drank anything. She told me she could not possibly eat or drink anything, but did try to eat a bowl of grits. I walk into the kitchen to get something. Sitting in her sink is a bowl with the remainders of some grits and a shot glass.

-Sometimes in the car, it is fun to share Melissa stories. Chase had a good one. Melissa was away and she had asked him to feed her cat. She had only been gone for a few days, so he had only had to go over once or twice. Melissa returns home from said trip and calls Chase and goes “The landlord called me and said the bathroom flooded. Did you take a bath while you were feeding the cat?”

-We were on our way to Austin to see Will. Since Melissa and Will are good friends, I decide to call her and ask what he likes, so we could bring him something as a thank you present. She suggests sugar free candy and Brain Wilson.

-A girl yesterday looks at Chase’s Morrissey shirt and goes “Is that Vanilla Ice?” He responds “No it is Morrissey.” She goes “I knew it was either Vanilla Ice or Morrissey.”

-Kiki fell off Kevin’s porch earlier in the week. I realized this, after looking at the clues left at the scene of the accident. She was ok. So I decide to take her to the vets considering she fell a solid two stories. The vet was like “She ‘fell; off the porch?” He was asking me questions like, “Where were you when your cat ‘fell’ off the porch?” If there had been a social services for pet owners, he would have called them on me.

-My dad hands me the Boston Globe Magazine. It has a House and Garden type profile on some rich 40-something lady, who lives on the North Shore, and her beautiful ocean front estate. The front page of the article has a picture of her, her three adorable well dressed children, her balding husband, and herself. They are sitting on some rocks in front of the house. My dad goes “What’s the first thing you notice when you look at this?” I go “She is wearing white panties.” Yes, you can see right up her Lily Pulitzer dress.

-I have found another “calling.” I have decided I want to professionally let my friends and family know what happened on television shows they missed.

-There was some commercial for Dell or Gateway promoting the purchase of desktop computers for the coming school year. I assume the ad is going to be some kid going to college or something of that nature. The commercial actually shows a dad buying his eight year old daughter a desktop computer setup. I definitely got my first computer for my 21^st birthday. He should take her out drinking after they set up the computer.

-So Melissa was rolling joints on my atlas and tried to get rid of the remains out the window of my truck, while we were speeding down the highway on our last adventure. In the process, she lost a bunch of states. I think it was a few from the middle of the alphabet. I am getting concerned as we travel farther from home, we will need one of the lost states. It’s just another reason why not to do drugs.

-Earlier this week, my dad and I went up to the Weirs to take the Mt. Washington around Lake Winnipesauke. It was overcast when we left home and kind of cool. We got to the Weirs, and suddenly it was like three billion degrees and my jeans weren’t cutting it. My father and I went from strip store to strip store trying to find shorts to buy me. I could not get my ass into a pair of denim shorts with “Lake Winnipesauke” embroidered on the thigh. I did find a 10 dollar white stretch mini skirt. I wore it out of the store and the lady cut the tags off for me.

-My father was helping me sort through my shit to pack for the latest move. After discovering the second thong in boxes of computer shit and dishes, he begins to comment about the pointlessness of these small strings of underwear. He goes “Why wear underwear at all?” I did not have much in response. I was more concerned as to why he did not remark, whatsoever, on the fact, that he found underwear in boxes and bags of kitchen paraphernalia and electronics.

- I was in the office supply aisle in my local Wal-Mart looking for a notebook. I found what I was looking for, but there was a dude parked right in front of it in a wheelchair. So I do the “Excuse me” and instead of moving out of the way he moves more in the way. He goes “Go ahead.” He is looking at me grinning and it is obvious he wants me to reach over him so he gets a good shot of my tits. I oblige. He IS in a wheelchair. I get the notebook I needed. Everyone left happy.

-So I have held up the white flag to Cingular and agreed to sign another contract. I hate the idea of the whole thing, but they agreed to give me some teched out phone. I get home to download ringtones and discover “The Milkshake Song” is no longer available. I can get some weird remix techno version, but it is just not the same. I almost wanted to take the phone back and give up. Suddenly, I found they had that Pussycat Dolls song “Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hott like me” and everything seemed right.

-My dad found an ad in the paper promoting Lawrence, Massachusetts’ famous Cedar Crest restaurant. It read “Basic food at its best.”

-Before this latest cross country venture, I cleaned out my truck from the last trip. It is always interesting to see what has ended up under and behind the seats. I found only one pair of underwear this time.

-So it took me 13 hours to drive from Boston to Baltimore on Friday. I did the math, and yes, I actually spent more time in traffic than actually driving. I finally got off the highway in Baltimore and missed the turn to go to Chase’s. I am turning around, when I hear a cop on a megaphone going, “Do not perform illegal u-turns in front of police officers.”

-I intentionally spell psyched “siked,” as many of you may or may not have noticed. It’s the irony and connotation that I enjoy. Every time Microsoft Words encounters it, it tries to replace it with “skied.”

-So we stopped at some truck stop in Tennessee last night. I was heading inside, when I was approached by Gary. Gary was a trashy drunk middle aged dude. He was apparently playing a show in the area and insisted I should come. I told him I actually could not attend and apologized for this inconvenience. He then asked for my number like 80 times. I kept telling him I did not know it. When Chase and I were walking out, Gary pissed, turns around, stumbles, and goes “Well whatever. Have fun with your love affair.”

-Chase decided the only music he likes on my Ipod is Kanye. He apparently does not like “Salt N Pepa, En Vogue, or Slow Jams.”

-Yesterday, we stopped to go to a sidewalk fair in some little town in Virginia. We got out of the car and started walking. I realized I forgot my cigarettes, and went back to the truck. There were two trashy ass bitches standing next to the truck screaming “There is a cat in there!” They are like at the window of my truck flipping the fuck out. I walk over, and they explain to me that my cat is going to die. I go “Oh ok,” and try to ignore them. I attempt to get the cigarettes and walk away. The fatter of the two tells me she is calling the Humane Society on me. So we go move the car…We check out antiques and civil war memorabilia for a bit and head back to the relocated vehicle. There was a cop walking in front of us. The cop stops at my truck. I figured he is looking for meth. He informs us that they were called to come check on my cat.

-Chase says Kanye West would not have sex with me. Then he told me that there is no Santa Claus and the Easter bunny is really just Jesus in a rabbit suit.

-The vegetable drawer in Kevin's refrigerator has a warning sign on it that reads: Caution: Do Not Allow Child to Hang From Pan.

-So I am in line at Tj Maxx the other day. I am up next at this point. The customer before me has just checked out. As I begin to approach the counter, some Vermont-ish middle aged woman in high-waisted jeans and Tevas walks completely around me and up to the counter. She turns around, looks at me, and goes “Well, whatever,” rolling her eyes.

-Six Feet Under this week was both the best and worst episode ever.

-My new website is going to have an interactive section titled "Ben Fee: True or False." In this section rumors about Bens life will be examined. You as the reader will get the opportunity to guess which elements are real and which are simply stories we all wish were real. Winners will get a free copy of Odyssey, courtesy of me.

-So there is all this drama on the internet about some sort of Motorola censorship conspiracy. Supposedly, if you take a picture of tits, vagina, and/or dick, on any Motorola model phone, it will be blurred by the time you blow it up. I played the game. Both my tits and vagina made the cut without any sort of censorship. Having giant pictures of your naked self in your hotmail account does seem strange at first. But, asking me for n00dz as become more logical and easier than ever! Thanks Motorola and go USA!

-So Melissa has this new thing going where she lists the models measurements below the clothes they are wearing. I was pissed, and positive I was smaller than my 34- 27- 36. So I go through like three boxes looking for sewing supplies. I find a metric tape measure. I measure. I then calculate the conversion. I realize that my measurements are 34-26-35.5. It was well worth it.

-Kiki and I are house sitting for Kevin. Brooke informed me that Kevin was inquiring about the condition of his home. He goes to Brooke, "If Sarah had burned down my house, I am sure she would have written a blog about it."

-Brooke has recommended I stop emailing everything I send to her to both email addresses, due to the fact, she checks and uses both of them equally. I know this. It just seemed like things would get to her faster.

-So on my way to Burlington, through the woods of good knows where Vermont, I approach what appears to be traffic. As we slowly begin to move, I see what is causing this rural traffic jam. There is some dude like "cross country rollerblading" in the middle of the road. He is wearing lycra shorts, obviously no shirt, rollerblades, and ski poles. Yes he was wearing ski poles.

-I attended the Whatever Annual Rutland Bar Tour Saturday evening. Yobeat overnighted me press credentials. Here's a sneak peak. IT IS 2 AM, on a Saturday night in Rutland, Vermont. Brooke is swaying from side to side on the sidewalk, dodging inappropriately planted trees. Bridges goes "Shit we should have introduced Jack (Daniels) way earlier." Brooke attempts to turn around, hits a another tree and goes, "Sarah, are you writing this down?"

-I decided to lie out on the back porch because it is Thursday afternoon and that seems like something people do. Now I need something to read. I go through my boxes and bags of crap and end up with two choices The Power of Now and the Dorchester, Roxbury, South Boston phonebook. I wanted to kill myself after the first two pages of The Power of Now. There are ten Dunkin Donuts listed in the phonebook and I can already think of four they failed to include.

-Chase text messages me numbers on a semi-regular basis indicating his level of participation in our trip back to LA. Between his Myspace profile and this, he is basically a Mathematician. After weeks of formulas and equations, he is at 100 percent. And next week, I am off to see the world again

“Where’s New England in my life? It’s only cold, when you sleep alone.”

-Being a model has ALWAYS been one of my various career goals. Being able to be a “Mama Stone” model has just added to this prestigious career peak. Melissa has developed many terms for modeling positions that are clearly her own and will be trademarked in the future accordingly. “Casual Arm” used to be my personal favorite. Modeling handbags has changed everything. While modeling a handbag you are instructed to “Cradle” it with your hand like a “Ball sack.”

-Melissa missed her flight on Tuesday. Well, we missed to flight due to insane traffic on 95 down from her parent’s house. I dropped her off. They told her she could in fact get on the flight. She called me shortly after to come back and get her. So we opted to entertain ourselves in Boston for the day, which neither of us had any desire to do. So I am on 93 North and all the fucking signs are stupid and don’t even direct you to places you would like to go, or actual exits that existed before. So I take an exit labeled “South Boston” and start crying because 93 is not supposed to have an exit just called “South Boston.” I completely lost it when we got off the exit on Congress Street. Melissa tried not to laugh as I cried hysterically for like 20 minutes about how “We are not even in South Boston.” Like I was still crying when we got there.

-Kiki and I stayed in a motel in Burlington on Tuesday evening because I was tired and could not make it to Kevin’s house. In the morning, Kiki is nowhere to be found. I call her name and hear meowing and realize she is inside the mattress’ box spring. I had to pick up the entire bed and tip it on its side. I cut a hole and pulled her out, saving her life AGAIN. I just put the bed back like nothing happened and left.

-I decided to remove things “Of value” from my parents house. It is funny what you put value on in a five minute period. I ended up with my cat, sewing machine, and like four pairs of sandals.

-My fine for “No Proof of Insurance” for my Texas incident is 260 dollars, while Domestic Violence is a steal at only a 200 dollars.

-Kevin was telling me about his sound company, which seems to be going really well. He goes “This is not what I went to college for at all.” I go so “So I went to school for Child Development and I haven’t even gotten pregnant yet.”

-I was walking somewhere is Burlington some day this week when a bunch of construction dudes start yelling crap at me. It’s like run of the mill construction worker stuff so I am ignoring them until they, laughing, go “Look she is wearing four inch Stilettos!” I turn around and go “They are wedges!”

-I decided to just check my Paypal this week because it has been a while. I just wanted to make sure people were not just sending me money. They weren’t.

-I was trying to explain something probably unimportant to Kevin the other evening. I was failing to get my point across so I said “Well whatever, I know what I mean.” Kevin responded “Well, that it what is really important when communicating with others.”

-Melissa was paying or trying to pay for a bunch of stuff she was buying at the Haverhill Salvation Army last weekend. Apparently they ran a credit card of hers that they did not accept and were struggling to cancel the transaction. Melissa then gives them a second credit card to run, at this point all hell seems to break lose. Employees are disappearing with Melissa’s credit cards and “running out back.” At some point this girl that went to high school with us, rolls in. She is some non-descript girls that never liked either of us for reasons neither of us will ever know, or care, about. This whole thing has taken more than a half hour when Melissa decided to go get cash and pay that way. The girl is still in the store. Her last sighting of me was at the Gynecologist and I even heard about it within 48 hours. Us not being able to pay for clothes at Salvation Army, just is not even half as good at anything “vagina related.”

-Kevin introduced me to someone the other night by going “This is my friend Sarah. She is an internet model.”

-Leah drove to Throtons on Saturday. We returned to her apartment afterward to use the bathroom before going home. I somehow managed to leave with both mine and Leah’s keys. I did not realize this until we were visiting at my parent’s house and my mom goes “Sarah, Leah’s on the phone.” I do not think I have gotten a phone call at my parent’s house in like almost ten years.

-Some Goth kid was yelling “Hey” at me while I was moving shit today. I actually turned around hoping he was going to offer to carry something. He goes “You are cute.” I roll my eyes and go “Oh…helpful!”

-Kanye has a new album coming out. Meaning…I will have even less of a chance of having sex with him.

-I broke a full length mirror today while moving shit out of storage. Initially I was upset, worrying about karma and what not. Then I started thinking, and realized, I break mirrors on a semi-regular basis. I guess that explains some of this.

-Melissa has developed some sort of medical condition where she needs to be holding as many lighters as possible at all times. If you even put one down, she takes it. At any given time she could have up to five in her hand. The ones she can not hold she puts in her purse. I began leaving non working lighters out for her to take. I recommend this to any parent who has a child with this condition. I bet Playschool is working on play lighters to cure this epidemic and save families everywhere.

-Car alarms fascinate me. They are very “the Boy Who Cried Wolf.” Never have you heard of anyone bolting from their house to the car for this reason to rescue it from potential thieves.

-Melissa and I have come up with the perfect move for the next time we play the band game. (see the 4^th of July) We sit next to each other. I say L7 and she says Seven Year Bitch. All players will be so impressed they will immediately quit the game due to their jealousy. Melissa and I automatically win.

-I was watching divorce court last week. I think I turned it up during some damn car alarm going off. The reason for said divorce was unclear from the wife’s perspective. The husband stated “She is from El Salvador. These women are crazy. Lorena Bobbitt was Salvadorian. I want to keep my penis”

-There was a pickup truck that passed us on the highway in Missouri with a bumper sticker that read “I would rather have a sister in the Whorehouse than a Democrat in the Whitehouse.”

-Traffic school was kind of amazing. It was taught by a 90 year-old dude on an oxygen tank. He warned us of the dangers of abruptly stopping in a speeding vehicle. He drove this point home with a story about an elderly man in Detroit. The man slammed his breaks on the highway. A tissue box resting in his back windshield flew at him and its corner puncture his neck and killed him. As you can see, I wrote this one down.

-We stopped at a combo Strip Club/ Truck Stop in Arizona for gas. The sign on the door read “3 dollars off lap dances. Coupons at counter.”

-I could not believe how many vehicles we saw on the highway with clothes hanging up in the back. Some hung them simply on those hooks while others appeared to have entire racks in their car. I do not even hang things up in my apartment. I actually do not even own a hanger.

-Somewhere near Texas, they stopped selling Parliaments. I had to start smoking Marlboro lights. Melissa made it ok by reminding me that Carrie Bradshaw does too.

-There was this sheer black dress at this Salvation Army in Oklahoma City. It was priced at 6.99 and all the other dresses were 2.99. It looked like it used to have a slip which was now missing that went with it. When we inquired about it the cashier said “Well we don’t price it. We have the pricing done by mentally disabled men at the local “home.” I started laughing and go “So I am guessing they liked the see-through one better.” She goes “Yup, probably”

-We also discussed drunk driving at length during traffic school. Alcohol wears off due to time and the size of the person etc. Yet, weed stays in your system for 90 days. Due to this, you can be fined for driving under the influence for 90 days after smoking weed. I mean, “you are still high.”

-We were out at a dance night in Baltimore earlier in the week. Some dude seriously tapped me on the shoulder and goes “Do you want to dance?” I looked at him like he was kidding, and realized he was not. I then said “I am all set. I have them.” (pointing to the girls I was out with.)

-I was on the phone with Lauren in the car the other day. I was telling her I was siked to be back on the East Coast and whatnot. I told her to hold on and then said “Wait, what, Melissa?” Lauren, in a very confused and concerned voice goes, “Sarah, where is Brooke?”

-Chase is like the Paris Hilton of Baltimore. He probably will not read this anyways, like Paris, Chase does not like reading things.

-The car ride has become dedicated to listening to insane amounts of Mitch Hedberg stand-up. His observations of life are almost as awesome as mine. The one about rice is one of my favorites. “Rice is just that food you need when you are in the mood for 2000 of something.”

-Melissa and I had been trying to think of the name of the new penis bridge in Boston for days. We both knew it began with a “Z.” We ruled out Zebra and Zoolander early on. We settled on “the Warren Zevon Bridge.”

-We were discussing driving up to Maine and apparently alluded to driving though New Hampshire. Chase goes “What’s their state motto? You’ll never take me alive?”

-More on traffic school. So apparently 15 West in the most dangerous road in the country because it is full of drunk gamblers driving back from Vegas to LA.

-I found a picture of me at the prom sophomore year of high school in a photo album at Melissa’s parents house. Her dad agreed to scan it so I can have it be my new Myspace picture.

-Melissa and I stopped at a gas station in Texas. I was upset about the cigarettes and choice of food. She was upset that they only had peach iced tea. A police officer responded “They have Iced Tea at Subway.” She ignored him. I responded “Oh she doesn’t like that kind.” I then announced “I am not eating today” due to the poor food selection. We were driving to find a motel, when a police car came out of nowhere behind me. I pulled into a parking lot. He asked for my proof of insurance, license, and registration. I handed him my registration and license. I explained that Massachusetts does not have insurance cards because they do not register uninsured vehicles and suggest he look at my insurance info on my registration. He repeated “I need your insurance card.” I repeated the explanation. He asked me to get out of the car. I asked him why I was being pulled over and he told me it was because I was parked in a handicapped space. I go “Right now?” He says “Yes right now.” I reiterate “I am being pulled over for pulling over into a handicapped spot?” He responds “Yes.” I look confused. He then throws in “You were parked at a handicapped spot back at that McDonalds.” I look at him more confused. He then makes me stand by the hood of his car. He calls for back up. Two more vehicles arrive, another cop car and a K9 unit. He goes over to the car and starts asking Melissa shit. I am being babysat by the other two vehicles. He returns and asks me questions about where I am going and what drugs are in my vehicle. I tell him we are going to Boston. He accuses me of lying and says that our stories don’t match up. He then asks me for the tenth time if I am trafficking Methamphetamines. Now apparently because my story and Melissa’s do not match up, I can either consent to a search or have my truck surrounded by drug sniffing dogs. He refuses to tell me what Melissa said. At this point they have removed Melissa from the car and she is like on the other end of the parking lot and we aren’t aloud to talk to each other. I opt for door number two, drug sniffing dogs. I figure we will go to jail. Luckily I left my Meth lab I n LA, shockingly we had weed. I figured it would end very “Broken Down Palace” and we would be stuck in a Texas jail cell for the rest of eternity…So the dogs surround the car. The cops have asked Melissa twice to stop talking to me in Gibberish. The dogs find nothing. So I go to him “So what in our story did not match up and made you think we are trafficking drugs?” He goes “She said you were going to Maine. You said you are going to Boston.” I respond “That’s the same thing. They are like an hour away from each other.” He looks at me like I am an alien and goes “How the hell am I supposed to know Maine and Boston are right near each other? I am from Texas.”

-www.whereistheafterparty.com is all mine. It is hard to sum up you and your life in a domain name but I have managed to do it. Stay tuned for the most amazing online magazine ever. Not unlike this, I will probably mention snowboarding maybe once.

-I asked Melissa in the car other day if I looked tan. She responded, “It is hard to tell because your face is always moving.”

-We hosted a 4^th of July BBQ. It sounded like a good idea at first, but ended up as one of those awkward daytime gatherings where no one knew anyone else. The party and America’s independence was saved when Melissa and I forced the guests to sit in a circle and play “The Band Game.” It is that game you play in the car where one person names a band, and the next names one that starts with the last letter of the band prior. It totally saved the party. Only one player had to be removed and disqualified for shouting out answers.

-My Mr. Big has been deleted from my phone. He can marry boring and plain Natasha. I will not be opposed to sleeping with him and then causing her to fall down the stairs and chip a tooth or two.

-The other morning I saw an ad for my new favorite disease. It is called “Restless Leg Syndrome.” The commercial showed people doing everyday things like using the computer, sleeping, and doing work around the house. It suggests asking your physician about treatment if your legs get restless. What really sold me on this new disease was the voiceover, “Do you have the sudden urge to move?”

-This Black Eyed Peas album is full of amazing gems. “My Humps” is seriously a song in which Fergie discusses humping her lovely lady lumps, in the back and in the front. “My hump my hump my lovely little lumps…” Quote and unquote.

-Bettie spent 45 minutes photo-shopping my head onto Nicole Ritchie’s body in that US Weekly photo of Nicole and Lindsay Lohan, all skinny-like. Apparently I am a lot darker than Nicole and it was hard to match our skin tones.

-I have decided to save my MySpace tattoos (See last week’s multiple Warped Tour references) for myself and Jason’s wedding day.

-Our favorite intern is up to it again. (See last week’s intern quote of the week) She was overheard calling what she thought was Etnies. When they answered the phone “Sole technologies” she was overwhelmed and confused. “Sole Technologies? I thought it was like some science place or something!”

-Lollapalooza returns and the world rejoices! We all remember what happened last year and the tears Perry shed due to its poor ticket sales and later its cancellation. In case you forgot, here is one of my favorite quotes of all time. "My heart aches along with the bands, and all of our employees, whose hard work developed one of the most exciting and important tours that this nation was to see. My heart is broken." -Perry Farrell.

-The 4^th of July came and went again. I vote that the 4^th of July should only be observed in Boston. Red tube tops, cut-off jean shorts, Bud Lights, and Sparklers are not actually the norm elsewhere. Toto, I do not think we are in Mission Hill anymore.

-Pending my obvious audition for Puffy’s new Making the Band, I have been working on some audition pieces. If I am doing my math correctly, I think it is Making the Band Four. I have several that I have perfected on my recent road trip. My renditions of Biggie’s “Juicy,“ Salt n Pepa’s “Shoop,“ and En Vogue’s “Whatta Man” are kind of amazing. And yes, I can do both parts of Whatta Man while dancing.

-I was mailing things at the post office on Vermont (a residential area in Los Feliz) the other afternoon at like 6pm or so. I am standing in front of the post office organizing my belongings when I hear a car screech to a halt and almost run over this kid who was appropriately crossing the street, on a crosswalk, like people do. The lady in the car screams, “What the fuck are you doing? It is rush hour!”

-“Being Bobby Brown“ is more than I could have hoped for. Stupid celebrity couples of the reality TV circuit are scared shitless. Even Britney and Kevin and Bridgitte and Flav have nothing on these two. Whitney is like coked up from morning to night, while her counterpart is usually drunk. She breaks into song with out warning or like a microphone. My Whitney quote of the week is, “Hell to the know.” (sang to some indiscernible tune, while trying to negotiate a shopping trip to Harrods with the hubby) Move over intern. I think I may start having Whitney Houston quotes of the week.

‑Noggin aired the Degrassi: Every Episode Ever marathon last weekend to promote its new season. This is not the show you remember on PBS in the 80's about a group of promiscuous out-of-style teenagers in Canada. It’s the new generation. This one is about a group of promiscuous out-of-style teenagers in Canada, in 2005. So just throw in those sex bracelets, a school shooting, a bipolar kid, an easy girl who wears those Jlo‑esque track suits, and a kid tranquilized on Ritalin. Let me just say it does in fact “Go There.”

‑Brooke and I attended the Warped Tour in San Diego on Thursday. While she was a veteran to this fascinating event, I had never been. I wrote Blink 182 on my left upper arm with a Sharpie and insisted on listening to Cheshire Cat the entire way. I don’t know if you all know this, but Blink 182 doesn’t even play the Warped Tour anymore.

‑Warped Tour was kind of disappointing. The highlight of my day was getting a bunch of fake Myspace tattoos. I plan on saving them for special occasions, like when I finally opt to start meeting dudes off the internet.

‑After finally reaching the access road to the San Diego Fairgrounds type place that was holding Warped Tour, the road split. A small sign led you to “General Parking” while a much larger sign directed you to an insane row of minivans. It read “Parent Drop‑Off.”

‑Sitting by the pool, my life plan became the topic of discussion. All present offered a variety of career options, places to live, and a few quick money making schemes. My favorite was from a dude I had met just that day. He asked if I spoke any foreign languages because apparently there is a lot of money in translating porn websites.

‑I went out to drinks with Pat Bridges earlier this week. He is a wise man, believe the hype. Some insights on life he shared were fuck Vegas, “What happens in Waterville stays in Waterville,” you can’t get pregnant on a pull‑out couch, and lastly, remember while no one enjoys your unnecessary PDA everyone enjoys a good PBR.

‑I watched Spinal Tap this week. I realized while watching it, it had been just enough time since my last viewing to appreciate its comedic genius like it was my first. And no, you really can not dust for vomit.

‑While sitting in the car in front of 711 the other day, I noticed the like tenth “businessman” on a hands‑free head set of the morning. He is talking loudly and just flailing his arms around, totally bringing home whatever point he is trying to make to the person on the other end. Rarely do you ever see anyone actually doing something with their hands other than making awkward dramatic flailing gestures while using a head set. I think its going to be the first step towards humans taking flight. The sky will inevitably be full of birds, planes, and southern California businessmen on head sets. Verizon is going to make bank on this one.

-As some of you remember, my adorable cat Kiki had quite an ordeal a while back leading up to getting her tooth pulled. Well, she went in to get the dental procedure done this week. The vet actually had to pull like 5 other teeth that were infected as well. I guess she only has 17 left and cats are supposed to have like thirty something. So apparently, she is slowly losing her teeth and will eventually have none. AND I am totally getting her fronts.

‑My editor (Brooke) called me last Sunday to inquire about the whereabouts of my best week ever. Apparently my fans were getting “restless.”

‑During my brief visit to Orange County earlier this week I found myself sitting in an office at a certain publication listening to an intern make phone calls. She paused between calls to get clarification from some of the employees on a variety of issues. My favorite was “Is Canada in the same time zone as us?”

‑After announcing that my life plan is to become Carrie Bradshaw, a skeptical Brooke tried to tell me that she is not real. Yeah well neither were Mary Jane Manolos and we all saw that episode.

-I was outside smoking a cigarette in a bar in Flagstaff, Arizona last weekend. Two drunk dudes were discussing at length the state of their intoxication and swaying into each other. One of the dudes began going into an emotional rant to drunk dude B about how he doesn’t get girls. He blamed this on his mother who brought tons of guys home while he was growing up. I blame the fact that he drinks too much and goes into loud public emotional rants at bars.

-A couple months back, me and the temps went into the Verizon computer system at work. We found this boys phone number that I thought was kind of cute. I forced Carolyn to call him. He called me back and we talked for a bit. He called again this past Monday because he was going through his phone and wanted to know what my name was. I asked him what he had me labeled as in his phone. He goes “Verizon.”

-Finally Melissa being a 25-year-old female with Sciatica has come in handy. Since she has not yet received a handicapped license plate from the DMV, she has gotten the next best thing, a medical marijuana card.

-The language of “the Gays” has taken years of scientific study to translate and uncover its secrets. Its difficulty and ability to alienate the masses took another victim this week on Tommy Hilfiger’s reality show. Some St. Louis housewife couldn’t understand “Gay” and had to pass the phone to some annoying Queenie dude to translate.

-Sunday night we ordered pizza and soda. The pizza came in a pizza box, yet the soda came in a giant Styrofoam soup bowl with a lid. The bowl of Diet Coke baffled us more so due to the fact it came with neither a straw nor a spoon.

-Melissa and I ended up buying the same brown shirt and denim shorts last weekend at some store on Melrose. Brooke was commenting on the fact that we were purchasing the same outfit when Melissa announced “Mine is way different. I am buying a necklace.”

-Driving behind a garbage truck the other morning became way less shitty than usual when I discovered that Los Angeles uses robots to drive their garbage trucks. A giant claw comes down and grabs the trash can and empties it into the truck bed and returns it to the sidewalk. I predict an awesome new Will Smith movie where he fends off robot garbage trucks and saves the city from mass chaos and possibly the apocalypse.

-I miss my cat Kiki. I wanted to send her a card detailing this. Our situation is not typical and Hallmark does not make a card for this specific instance. I settled on one from the “I miss you: Romantic” section.

-So this Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes thing is just getting stranger. I guess they are engaged after meeting last week or something. His love was put to the test on the Today Show when he was asked about Katie’s acting career. He remarked “Have you seen Dawson’s Creek? She is an amazing actress.”

-We were on the way to meet this girl who sells clothes the other day, that Melissa had made an appointment with. Melissa’s trip to the Weed Store was only earlier this day. In the car she instructed me to “Just jump in if I start acting weird. Like if I am talking about things that make no sense, just insert normal conversation.”

-Me and Jason (See "I met my soul mate in Chicago" in last week's installment) got in our first fight. He likes water at room temperature. I had trouble getting past this due to the fact that I like cold water. In the heat of our email argument I announced “I tend to overuse ice cubes.” I do not know if we will survive this one.

-My long term career plans have been foiled. There actually are not greeters at all Verizon retail stores. There was an 80 year-old lady greeting customers at a Catholic Thrift Store in downtown LA the other day. So I have that or Wal-mart to fall back on.

-Melissa’s car had a flat tire when we got up the other morning. We got it on the jack and were in the home stretch when we realized the bolts of the tire were too tight for either of us to possibly get loose. So we called the Volkswagen roadside assistance number. I give the guy our information. He asks if we are in a safe location. I tell him we are. He continues to ask questions about the fucking tire for like five minutes. He then asks AGAIN if we are in fact in a safe location. So I go “Yes we still are.”As me and Volkswagen dude approach the ten minute mark, I try to end the date amicably. So he tells me a tow dude will be there shortly. He then goes “And are you in a safe location?” I Move to the sidewalk and go, “Yes now

-Brooke was driving my car on the way here from Arizona. I was using the computer and not really paying attention. So I notice that we are going like 50 mph, the gas light is on, and the next services are like 40 miles away. I recommend that we pull over and put a few of the three billion cans of diet coke we have in the gas tank. Brooke goes “You aren’t supposed to put sugar in the gas tank.” I go, “Brooke, its Diet Coke.”

-Me and Leah missed the America’s Next Top Model casting call at the Downtown Crossing H&M. I think we were lying on the floor of her room watching MTV Jams. Yet, I have made it without Tyra’s help. Check www.Mamastonevintage.com</

Sarah Morrison's Best Week Ever