-Daphne the dog is eating trash off the floor. I opt to feed her. I go into the closet where Pat keeps the dog food. Half crying, I tell Melissa that there is still cat litter in the closet. She looks down at the dog, as I try not to cry and goes, "Nice job, Daphne!"
-Melissa and I are standing at the checkout line in Jasmine Sola on Newbury St. She points to a display of stickers you put over your nipples if you are not the bra wearing type. The package reads "Low lights are for cars." Melissa goes, "Sarah those are for you!"
-At the same checkout line, Melissa spots disposable underwear in small convenient packages. She remarks, "Underwear to keep in your purse? It is like oops I just had sex in my car again!"
-Leah informs me she started smoking. I get really excited, clap my hands and scream, "Yay!"
-Leah, Melissa, and I are sitting in a parked car on the streets of Boston unsure of what we are planning to do next. Leah announces, "Lets go get a drink." Melissa reminds her I stopped drinking. Then they both agree I can just get an O'Douls.
-I woke up in my parents' house one morning to women speaking Spanish, outside the room I am sleeping in. When I finally get up, I realize my mother has hired cleaning people. I step out of the room to try and figure out if they are still there. I see a sign on the door of the room all my belonging are scattered in and I had been sleeping in, it reads "Do not clean!" I then opt to take a shower.
-I force my mom to go out to eat with me at the Cheesecake Factory. We are waiting for our table. I am sort of just staring at the Cheesecake. A little girl next to me tells me she thinks the chocolate one looks the best. I agree with her. I tell her I love chocolate. She then goes, "I hate cheesecake. It tastes weird." The grown up in me tells to inform her that Cheesecake is not weird. It is good. I then turn to my mom and go, "Cheesecake is so gross."
-I am holding my sister's cat. My mom leans over and goes, "Aw Kiki!" I look up sort of startled. My mom realizes what she said. My sister simply rolls her eyes and goes, "Nice job, Mom!"
-My sister storms into my parents' house announcing she has Mono. I get excited. I announce, "Hopefully I caught it from her. Then I can stay here for another month and just sleep on the couch and watch movies!"
-I take one of those airport shuttles home, the other night. Half way into my ride, I realize I am going to be the last one to be dropped off. After two hours, we are still no where near close to dropping me off. I opt to begin making friends with my Haitian shuttle driver, who moonlights as a cosmetologist. I keep complaining how hungry I am. After we drop off the last customer, we decide to go to Jack in the Box. As we are waiting in line he announces, "You are my favorite passenger."
-I am talking to Glen on AIM. I inform him that I am purposely sitting on my phone so someone at work will notice I am doing nothing. They then in turn will tell me I can go home. Glen replies, "Sarah, if I didn't know you. I think I might love you."
-I am telling Star I want to move to Hollywood so I can walk to work. She starts giving me the pros and cons of living in Hollywood. She tells me that sometimes you feel like you are too much in the middle of everything. She goes, "At times, I feel like I might wake up and find Cobrasnake taking pictures from my balcony."
-I arrive at LAX last night and begin talking to one of the promoters. He offers to get me a drink. I inform him I am trying to be sober and no longer drinking. He then stops and goes, "You smell like weed." I reply, "Well, whatever I am not drinking."
-I am standing near the bar last night when some dude starts talking to me. He has no idea why I am not in the least bit interested in what he has to say. He starts going on about how girls are always interested in him. I turn to him and simply respond, "Really?"
-We are throwing a party this Friday at cinespace. You should come. It will be the first Friday of every month. Dan and I are discussing it last night. He announces, "Let's have Stuart DJ the next one." I agree. I then add, "I am going to have Stuart DJ my next birthday party. Dan looks at me confused and goes, "Wait, when is your birthday party?" I reply, "September!"
-Dana informs me she got extensions. I ask her how she likes them. She announces, "I feel like a Mermaid!"
Best Week Ever: December 22nd
"I am not sure I would be able to handle Sarah Morrison on Christmas."
-I walk into work one night, this week. Stuart looks at me strangely and asks me if I cut my hair. I get nervous. I tell him I just cut my bangs before I left the house. He is still staring at me. I get fidgety and start trying to fix them. I am asking him if they look bad. He is sort of nodding and announces, "They look bad." I turn to Jason and ask him about my bangs. He looks at me awkwardly and shrugs. I start to get all flustered and am trying to fix my hair when Stuart grabs me by the shoulders and announces, "Sarah, when boys tell girls they don't look good, it always means they do!"
-I am informing Stuart that in my age I have developed a taste, but more so an appreciation, for men in suits. I start to name several boys I had never looked at otherwise, but when dressed up suddenly became very attractive. He asks me if I think he would look more attractive in a suit. I tell him, "I am not sure. I can not predict who I will find attractive in suits. It just sort of happens." He then points to Luke and goes, "Would you have sex with Luke if he was wearing a suit?" I pause, look at Luke, and announce, "I don't know." Stuart runs over to Luke and screams, "Sarah says he would have sex with you if you were wearing a suit!"
-Stuart, Luke, and I only HEAR the music on Tuesday evening, due to the fact we are downstairs sitting at the door. I suddenly go, "Oh it is DJ AM!" Stuart looks at me like I am stupid and informs me it is Steve Aoki DJing. I shake my head and go, "I bet I am right, go look!" Not believing me, Stuart runs upstairs to prove me wrong. He quickly returns to tell me I am right. He then inquires how I knew that. I simply responded, "He is my favorite DJ!" Stuart replies, "I thought I was your favorite DJ?" I add, "Well, he is my favorite DJ, next to you!"
-A film producer is talking to Megan, our events coordinator at work one evening, during a screening. Their conversation ends and he heads over to where I am standing and asks me if I had worked on the film. I shake my head and tell him I work at cinespace. He looks at me alarmed and goes, "This place has all the girls huh? I mean Megan, she is a knockout. And you! Well, aren't you just adorable!" He then sort of shook me, as I awkwardly smiled.
-I lose my phone at work one evening, sort of intoxicated. Due to my level of intoxication, I am unable to even sort of begin to figure out where I may have left it. Someone eventually finds it sitting on the counter right next to where my purse had been. The next day at work my manager looks at me, smiles, and goes, "Oh look, it is the drunkest girl ever!"
-Sergio my hostess counterpart at cinespace is known for his amazing ability to never be on time for work, or anything ever. I am sitting in the office in the middle of the afternoon, when he walks in. I am confused, due to the fact I have never seen him awake before 4pm. My manager is doing some paperwork and without looking up states, "So, you just decided to come to work six hours early to make up for every single time you have ever been late?"
-My grandparents have moved into a retirement community (which we later find out is in Western Massachusetts) from their home in Connecticut. I write Melissa a text message saying I can not go shopping with her, due to the fact I am going to Connecticut. We are on the phone trying to reschedule, when Melissa asks me what time I am returning from this trip to Connecticut. I go, "I forgot. They actually do not live in Connecticut anymore. They live in a Retirement Community." Melissa adds, "Oh ok! Obviously they don't live in Connecticut anymore! How could I forget how Retirement homes are states of their own!" I simply add, "More like islands of old people."
-I receive a Myspace comment this week that reads, "I want to be just like you when I grown up, except smarter and blonde!"
-I meet up with a girl I had been meaning to meet up with for a while. So we are talking about some buisnessish stuff and somehow end up realizing we know a bunch of the same people. All of a sudden she goes, "Have you heard of that girl Dana DeArmond?" I throw my hands up in the air and go, "Dana is a good friend of mine. Please don't say anything bad about her." She shakes her head and goes, "No, I love Dana!" I simply responded, "Oh you do?
-Stuart is all excited to tell me that he is coming to Massachusetts for Christmas. He does not really know where in Massachusetts he is going, but after some questioning I figure it out for him. I tell him it is not near Boston, but that I am going to see my grandparents and will be right near by. He pauses and announces, "On second thought, I am not sure I would be able to handle Sarah Morrison on Christmas."
-I make friends on my six hour plane ride to Boston today. They are a little drunk when we board. They tell me that they have been hanging out at the airport bar for quite a while. They made a friend at the bar. He apparently is sitting in first class and promises to bring them drinks during the flight. Then the girl turns to me and goes, "Then he asked me if I had any E. Is that weird?" I simply state, "Yes, looking for E at the airport is sort of weird." She nodded.
-Our plane finally lands this evening. And I take out my phone to see what I had missed. Sort of disappointed I turn to the girl next to me, "Only one text message and one email that entire time." She shrugs, "It is Christmas Eve." I agree, "I guess people need each other less on holidays!"
-My mom calls to tell me she is at the airport. She wants to know if I have gotten my bags yet. I go, "Um not yet. I found a Dunkin Donuts counter on the way to Baggage Claim!"
Best Week Ever: December 15th
"Tyra says a real model always keeps going!"
-Florin, Dim Mak records latest intern is leaving. Everyone is talking about how they do not want him to go. I announce, "Stay and be my intern. You can pick out my clothes, return my Myspace messages, and drive Katrina places!"
-Everyone is ridiculously hungover from Monday night's holiday party, Tuesday evening. Megan is confused. She does not understand how people can be hungover at 7pm. I am trying to explain to her how it can happen from time to time. My manager interrupts and simply announces, "It is easier than you think."
-A boy comes in the door Tuesday at work. I am collecting money and sort of only half listening to what he is saying. He goes, "You looked really pretty Sunday." I think he is telling me I look really pretty until I hear the word Sunday. I stop what I am doing and look at him and go, "What?" He repeats, "You looked really pretty Sunday…at LAX." I sort of nodded, weirdly smiled and said, "Oh Ok!"
-I am in the office getting ready for the evening at work. Dave, one of our owners goes, "Smile, Sarah!" .I pause, point at him, and state, "I am saving the smiles for the customers!"
-We get some sort of ridiculous amount of Tab Energy drink delivered to my work. I am looking at it and talking to the delivery boys. I go, "5 calories? They should make someone try to live only on this stuff, for a week." The delivery boys like this idea. I then shrug, "I am not doing a whole lot right now. Come back in a week!"
-I am sitting at the podium at the top of the stairs at work, last night. I am greeting people and sort of pointing them to their tables. The top of the podium is broken. I know this because every time you put any pressure on it, the top falls entirely through and so do you. Not really thinking I lean on it. The top falls through, I fall through, and somehow the entire thing goes crashing forward on to the ground. A group of boys are walking up the stairs at this very moment. They appear slightly alarmed. I sort of step over the thing and tell them I am heading them to their table. The boys are remarking on my ability to play it cool. I go, "Tyra says a real model always keeps going!"
-Melissa is here this week. Melissa smokes weed all day long and often forgets what she is doing. This includes, but is not limited to, her losing lit cigarettes around the house. She informs me she has switched to smoking American Spirits. I ask her why. She tells me that they put themselves out so they can never start a fire. I go, "Oh good, I feel safer!"
-Some drunk dude comes and sits down next to me and begins hitting on me. I am not really paying attention until he says, "Do you think I am handsome?" I look at him sort of confused and go, "Yes?" He then asks, "Are you just saying that?" I nodded, "Yes."
-Melissa writes me a text message asking if Chase brought back the stuff he borrowed. I told her he did. She then wrote, "Was it sexy? Did he bring sexy back?" I did not respond.
-Stuart comes in last night and informs me he is DJing. I get excited and tell him I am his biggest fan. I then add, "Actually, I think I am your only fan."
Best Week Ever: December 8th
"Sarah Morrison, I can see your nipples!"
-It becomes December 5th or something and my landlord writes me a text message sort of suggesting I give him rent. I check my bank account and discover I have 795 dollars. So I write him a check for 790 dollars and hand him a ten dollar bill that I find in the bottom of my purse.
-Brooke informs she is having trouble researching snowboarders because all the sites she is encountering are in German. I tell her that Google has an option to translate websites. I add, "I only know this because when I am bored I Goggle myself. Google translates Italian Teen Vogue's messageboard for me!"
-Ben calls me and leaves me a voicemail detailing this story. He is hanging out with some girl he is sort of into. He realizes he needs gas and stops at a gas station to fill up his car. He is selecting the grade of gas to put in his vehicle when his dream date inquires what year of gas he plans on using. He pauses and confused goes, "What?" She then explains to him that the grades of gas represent the year the gas was "made." With this, they had to part ways.
-The dog is bothering me one evening. I stop what I am doing, look down at her and remark, "We are never going to be friends unless you turn into Kiki."
-Katrina is getting a cell phone. I am signing the paperwork for said telephone. The piece of paper I am filling out has a line that reads "Birth date" then right next to it "Expiration date." I start to laugh and show it to Katrina. She goes, "Oh yay, you get to pick when you want to die!"
-Katrina is writing down things I need to do while I am saying them out loud. I state, "I need to re-call Russ." She says, "I am doing to write down confirm with Russ so you sound smarter."
-Steve Aoki walks in to cinespace Tuesday and I am collecting money at the door. He points at me, walking by me, and announces, "Sarah Morrison, I can see your nipples!" I wave and go, "Welcome to cinespace! Great to see you, too!"
-The only change I am given Tuesday night is ones. I am handing people change for their twenty dollar bills entirely in ones. As I count out fifteen ones for the tenth time, I remark, "Here you go! I was stripping earlier!"
-I am standing at the bar one night at work, waiting for a drink. Some dude next to me offers to buy me a drink. So when the bartender comes over, the gentleman orders. I announce, "He is buying me a drink." The bartender hands me the beer I wanted. I whisper to him, "Look I am saving us money!"
-I am at the door one night and some dude passing by asks my name. I inform him I do not have one. The security dude working the door only half hears the encounter and inquires, "You don't have a phone?" I shake my head and go, "I don't have a name, of course I have a phone!"
-Sean, one of our security dudes and I watch a drunk couple sit on Hollywood Blvd in front of our venue one evening this week. I remark how gross it is that they are sitting there, due to the fact I have watched people puke in that very spot. Sean points to the curb and goes, "I have watched you sit on that curb drunk on Tuesday nights. I have pleaded with you to get up. You just shake your head and tell me to go away." Sort of defeated I go, "I am going home and dry cleaning every single dress I have ever worn on a Tuesday."
-The lamest thing in hipster news this week on Gawker is the fact Steve Aoki has a blog. The second lamest thing is a link to this picture of me and Jason "Them Jeans" Stewart is our matching jackets. Gawker calls us "Eskihomos." I sort of agree.
Best Week Ever: December 1st
"Let's call DJ AM!"
-Katrina stays at my house while I am in Portland. She brings Gina over, without prepping her for the condition of my bedroom. Gina looks around at the clothes all over the floor. She then notices the dresser drawers not in the dresser, but on the floor holding clothes. She looked around at the whole set-up or lack there of and goes, "Why is there nothing in the closet."
-I am on the plane back to Portland. The pilot comes on and informs us we are approaching Los Angeles and we should put away our electronic devices. The guy in the row across from me doesn't seem so into this. The flight attendant approaches him once asking him to put away his laptop. She then asks him twice, then three times. The third time he sort of starts to fake put it away. She gets all worked up and starts telling him he is breaking federal laws and endangering all the passengers. At this point, he just refuses to put the stupid computer away. She starts freaking out. I lean over and go, "Seriously, dude put it away. I will give you a magazine." He quietly puts the computer under his seat and the worked up flight attendant storms off.
-Gina removes Katrina and me off her Myspace "Top 8" this week. She replaces us with Steve Aoki and DJ AM, respectively.
-We host a pre-parade party at cinespace, last Sunday. The highlight of the event for the kids who attended was a table full of kids from various hit Nickelodeon shows, signing autographs. I receive a phone call from some child star's mother, after they had headed off to the parade. She was all worked up because her little celeb lost his cell phone, and apparently he has numbers in it that we would die to get. So, I enlist a bunch of kids to run around and look for it. After approximately five minutes, one of the boys goes, "Why are we looking for his phone? It is probably a 3000 dollar phone. It must have a feature where if he loses it, it like runs back to him." I smile, point at him and remark, "I like you!"
-The organization putting this pre-parade event is giving out toys to children. Correction, they are giving out Barbie sized Jesus, David, and Moses dolls. The dolls recite Bible passages when you press a button on their back. One of the bussers asks, "Who do you think you have to pay for the rights to use Bible passages? Who the hell is making money off these?" I shrug, "The Catholic Church?"
-All my CDs get stolen a while back. Since then, I have only had one CD in my car. It is some Dim Mak records sampler. It has begun to skip. Katrina goes, "Let's call Jacob to get us another one." She then pauses and goes, "Let's call DJ AM!"
-We are watching television and some ad for a new Mel Gibson movie comes on. People begin discussing the weirdness that is Mel Gibson. I simply point at the TV and state, "He is like Borat! He hates Jews!"
-We are at Jesse's party, Friday night. It gets broken up and we head to another location. I sort of half inform Glen where we are headed. I then tell him to call me. Katrina and I had been there for quite a while, when I decide I should check my phone. It reads "8 Missed Calls." I am remarking that all eight missed calls are from Glen, as he walks in the door. He starts to go into some rant about how many times he called me. I am holding the phone and go, "Look, I will call you back right now."
-I write a diary entry about running away. I am telling Katrina about it. I told her how the only thing I brought with me when I ran away was a Spelling Book. She goes, "Ok, I ran away once to my bus stop. What did I bring with me? Um, a pair of pants!"
-Stuart is a DJ! Well, Stuart DJs a party at work Saturday evening. He begins to set up at the DJ booth. He informs me that he has a song that he is going to play just for me. I get the sign halfway through his set that my song is coming up. It was that "Do you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain" song. I told him I loved it.
-Katrina coat checks Saturday night and makes a lot of money. As she is emptying out her tip jar she goes, "Lets go to a real grocery store tomorrow, not 7-11!"
-Ryan the bartender informs me his Improv group is doing a skit on me. Sort of interested, I inquire what it is about. He goes, "Well, it is not necessarily about you but the main character is a disaffected hostess." I inform him to let me know what happens to her.
-Katrina and I are wandering around Rite Aid last night. We each have a pile of strange purchases we do not really need. We walk by the liquor section. Katrina announces, "Let's get beer!" I look at her confused and ask why. She shrugs, "Beer is fun! There is nothing else fun to buy."
-At work on Tuesdays we have a Svedka Vodka promotion. It involves free Vodka and it makes you drunk. Katrina inquires, "Is there a Svedka Rehab?" I go, "They lock you in the closet that Russ uses as his office at Dim Mak." Katrina adds, "Oh, and they feed you through the bars in the window!"
Best Week Ever: November 24th
"You are like Pamela Anderson and he is Borat!"
-As we walk out of the movie theater, I turn to Kelly, hold up the bottom of my dress, and go, "Look, popcorn juice!" She tells me i am being gross. I remind her that popcorn juice is actually just butter. She then asked me to just call it butter, instead.
-A lot of people up here (in Portland) seem to be getting married or engaged, lately. I find the whole phenomenon to be extremely strange. I simply state over dinner one night, "I don't get why people are getting married?" Jamey informs me, "It is because they love each other and they want to have babies."
-We watch the movie Elf one night. I remark once it is finished, "I like Christmas movies. They make me happy I am going to start renting more Christmas movies, maybe it will make me happier."
-Ashley is excited to see me. She announces, "Let's go to American Apparel tomorrow! Every time I go in that place I am like, "I wish I could afford this stuff. I wish Sarah was here!" I look at her confused, "Ashley that stuff is like 12 dollars, full price."
-Brooke is informing a former Yobeat contributor and snowboard photographer extraordinaire that I am in Portland, so "Best Week Ever should be really good this week." He is excited that I am not in LA, and goes, "Tell Sarah we want less "LA," and little more "Boston."
-I am having Brooke read some of my creepy Myspace messages one day. She is reading one where the gentleman details how he loves me and feels like he should be in California because of his love for me. Brooke hands me back the laptop and announces, "You are like Pamela Anderson and he is Borat!"
-Brooke's coffee maker is broken. Brooke's coffee maker appears to be completely fine, but the button to turn it off and on has somehow been completely removed. Brooke insists she is going to run out and buy a new one. I tell her not to because I want to fix the coffee maker myself. After I was unable to accomplish anything with a pen cap, I then try a knife until I shock myself. So I boil water. I pour the water through a colander lined with a paper towel with coffee in it. By the time Brooke returns with the coffee maker, I am drinking coffee. She was recapping the story on the phone to a boy she knows, he responded, "Sarah should be on Yuppie Survivor."
-Brooke is detailing her plans for her Thanksgiving dishes to the staff at Grenade, one afternoon. She begins to list all the dishes she has planned and gets to "hummus." Dave interrupts, "Hummus and Thanksgiving don't really go together."
-We are at the Apple store. I point at a sign in front of me and announce, "If no one steals your Ipod, you can trade it in for a newer model!" A teenage girl nearby starts to laugh and asks, "Someone stole your Ipod?" I turn to her, "Two, actually. I wonder if they traded them in for cooler ones."
-I am telling Mike how I ran into Travis one night, at my work. Travis and I discuss how high school actually was not that bad, due the amount of losers and geeks we had to be friends with. Most schools only have a few, but our high school had a lot. Mike laughs. I add, "I didn't even have boobs until like seventh grade. (I pause) Wait actually, I still don't have boobs."
-Steve Aoki's AIM account gets hacked. I suspect this after I receive several "holla" type messages. I did personally enjoy when the hacker called me "shorty" And, I replied, "I am taller than you."
-I am at some convenience store last night buying ice cream and candy and whatnot. The lady is ringing up my purchases and I ask her if I can get a pack of Parliament lights, as well. She simply shakes her head, gives me the total for my purchases, and says "No." I stop sort of startled and say, "Wait, I want cigarettes though. Can I get Marlboro lights or something else maybe?" She looks at me irritated and confused, and goes, "I guess."
-We are watching Matt Lauer and Meredith Viera trying not to look completely miserable hosting the Thanksgiving parade this morning, in the rain. I go, "Katie Couric is probably sitting at home, watching this in her pajamas, and like pointing and laughing at the television."
-The five year old at our Thanksgiving celebration today gives us a rundown of the gender of all her pets. The cat is a boy, the two dogs are girls, and she is not sure about the fish. She then goes on, "Mom is a girl. Dad is a boy. I am a girl. You are a girl. And, even Brooke is a girl!"
Best Week Ever: November 17th
"Why doesn't God just shoot me in the face with a hammer!"
-Each week, I finish cinespace's update then email it to our owners to proof read and approve, before I post it. Dave, one of our venue's owners happened to be sitting on the patio. So, when I finished this week's update, I simply walked my laptop over and handed it to him. I told him I felt like it seemed silly to email when I could hand deliver it, like in the olden days. He then added, "Really Sarah, I should thank you for saving us on Broadband."
-Katrina and I are picking her boyfriend up at the airport. We opt to park instead, of the always interesting curbside pick-up. We decide we are going to smoke weed before walking to the terminal. I then pause and voice my concerns about smoking weed at the airport. Katrina ignores me. I go, "There are probably cameras everywhere." She is still ignoring me. I then announce, "You will see when we go to pay for parking and it is 200 dollars. You will be like, "Wait we were only here a few minutes?" The parking person will say, 'Yeah, well we saw you smoking weed."
-Cory Kennedy texts me while we are still at the airport. It reads something like "Tonight LAX! Go it will be sooo fun." I turn to Katrina, read the message out loud, and suggest we write back "Already there! What terminal?"
-I inform my roommate Pat that I am going to Portland. I then mumble something about how there is no reason to tell him I am going. "It is not like I have a cat to take care of or anything." I then begin to wander out of the room. Pat announces, "I will tell you why you should tell me you are going to Portland. So, I do not think you are…I don't know DEAD."
-Stuart is eating a Pear, at lunch the other day. All of a sudden, he stops and pauses, turns to me and asks, "Am I eating an Apple or a Pear, right now?" I inform him it is a Pear.
-I have several boys labeled in my phone as "Don't Pick Up," for various reasons. Lately, calls I have been avoiding have turned from boys to Credit Card companies, due to the fact I have no money to pay them. I finally labeled both MasterCard and Discover as "Don't pick up." Visa has yet to bother me.
-I told Mike I was coming to visit. He asked me if I had told anyone else yet. I go, "I called Kelly and Jamey. That's everybody in Portland, right?" He responded, "Yes, Sarah those are actually the only two other people who live in this city."
-Mike then asked if I was going home for Thanksgiving. I quickly responded, "No are you?" Then I stopped, "I am sorry. Your parents moved. I forgot. Is this a touchy subject?"
-I go to the airline counter to check in for my flight. The gentleman behind the counter goes, "Sarah Morrison: destination Honolulu." I shake my head and say, "I am supposed to be going to Portland. Plus, I can't really go to Honolulu. I did not bring a bathing suit."
-I may have lost the Beauty Pageant, a few weeks back. But according to reports, there are photos of me during my talent competition, as well as Gina and Katrina in their Team Morrison shirts in this week's LA Weekly. And, not a single picture of the Pageant winner. Losers are always cooler.
-I finally pay my Discover Card bill, today. So I opt to pick up their 9th phone call of the day, around noon. The lady on the other end wants to update my account info. She inquires, "Is there an individual close to you that you will give us permission to discuss your account with?" I tell her, "Depressingly enough, no." She pauses, laughs, and then tells me she is sorry." I go, "Eh, I am OK with it!"
-I am sitting in the office of uber-hip Snowboarding apparel company Grenade, today for quite a while. One dude gets upset that he has been selected to go out and pick up lunch. He is mumbling something, and then kicks open the door, and yells, "Why doesn't God just shoot me in the face with a hammer!" The door slams. A boy sitting at a near by desk asks, "Did he just ask us to shoot him in the face with a hammer?" I shake my head, "No, he asked God to."
-Brooke is on the phone with Jason this afternoon. Jason has managed to get married and move to Chicago, since the last time I saw him single and living in the Northwest, a few months ago. I get on the phone and inform him that I had announced this morning, "It would be funner, if Jason was here." I then added, "It would also be funner if Kiki was here."
Best Week Ever: November 10th
"I thought I was coming to save you, but I don't think you really needed too be saved."
-I lost the Beauty Pageant Sunday night. I was told by Judge Jesse Camp that he and Preston had my vote. But, Preston and Jesse Camp don't make you a winner, apparently. There is a video of me very intoxicated at the Dim Mak office, late Sunday discussing my loss that will appear on YouTube soon. I barely remember the video being taken, so this should be must a "view."
-Katrina and Gina wore homemade "Team Morrison" t-shirts to Sunday's Beauty Pageant. They were one of the few that actually came to said event. Jacob and Hoon had made comparable awesome t-shirts, but Jacob was not let in. I did tell security he was my little brother.
-Katrina and I are standing outside of cinespace smoking at 5:00pm. Some dude waiting for the bus inquires what is going on inside. He asks, "So what is in there, a rave?" Katrina starts to laugh. I simply respond, "Yes, a rave." He continues, "You guys just stumbled out of there, huh?" We both nodded.
-I enter my local 711 for my weekly grocery shopping. The cashier is excited to see me. We make conversation for a bit. I then wander around picking out bags of chips and candy that will make my dinner for the week. When it is time to ring me up he throws his hands up in the air and announces, "Everything is free!" I inform him it is not. He goes, "I have been drinking since 7. I go, "Tonight?" He responds, "No this morning!"
-Ryan one of our lovely bartenders at cinespace, decides he is going to find me a "man." He is the "pirate" last week, concerned about my disaffected nature. I inquire why exactly. He tells me that he thinks something needs to "affect" me.
-I have been sick for more than a month and this has become a concern of most of my fellow employees. So, I cough and some sort of "piece of cough" hits Sergio in the face, as he is sitting a few feet away from me. He starts screaming and yelling. I simply inform him, "I am a sick superhero and this is my super power."
-I am at a market near my house and am supposed to purchase some sort of alcoholic beverage. I am staring at the beer selection, when some thugged out teenage boys approach me wanting to "party." I inform them I am all set, but continue to talk to the boys. Some guy comes along, grabs my arm, and informs the boys that he is my boyfriend. After the teenagers disperse, he tells me, "I thought I was coming to save you, but I don't think you really needed too be saved."
-We host an event for Kevin Smith's new documentary, the other night at work. The gentleman running the event informs me he is my biggest fan, loves my columns, and is a member of my fan club. We then take a photo together for his Myspace. My manager comes by as we are posed for our photo, I state, "He is a member of my fan club. You are not." My manager rolls his eyes and continues on.
-My manger at work, comes into the office and requests that one of us give him the updated sheet on the events for the evening. Megan inquires when he needs it. He replies, "Immediately, if not sooner," and walks out of the room.
-Someone mentioned going to Beauty Bar late one evening this week. I informed them that I would not being going; due to the fact I was boycotting Beauty Bar because of my contest lost. Jacob screamed, "We will never go to Beauty Bar again!"
-I am walking by a bunch of boys Tuesday night. One of them yells "Happy Birthday." Then the others begin to chime in. I yell, "It is not my Birthday!" Then one of them responds, "Every Tuesday is your birthday party!"
-Verdell calls and tells me she has bought some pair of shoes that I must see. She informs me that she has emailed me photos. She tells me, "I may not be able to walk in them, but I want them to bury me in them." She goes on, "Make sure I have some sort of casket with a see through bottom, just enough to see my shoes." I agreed to do so.
-Britney and Kevin split. We are all devastated by the news. I saw in on TV, and then only moments later, I was informed my internet porn sensation Dana DeArmond, "Oh my god Brit and Kfed went the way of Burt and Lonnie!" We miss you Lonnie.
-Verdell informs me that she had a friend over this week, who needed a tampon. The friend asked where the tampons were. She informs her that they were kept behind the towels in said closet. She asked Verdell why she kept them behind the towels. Verdell simply explained, "They are super. I don't want guys to think I have a big vagina."
-I am a YouTube sensation. If you have missed a single Video Blog, you are out of the loop. Go check them out. Sometimes I think, sometimes I think out loud.
Best Week Ever: November 3rd
"Look at what Sarah is wearing now! It can all be yours next season!"
-Still unsure of my "the future" costume for Pat's Halloween party; I announce that I am going to be Kiki. Pat rolls his eyes, sort of laughing. He than demands that this not happen. I tell him it will be cute. I will wear a collar that says "Kiki. I run away a lot," like the one she had. I go, "At some point in the night, you will probably find me passed out in my Kiki costume on the bathroom floor, with a bottle of Vodka in my hand!" Pat shakes his head and walks away.
-Pat has a Halloween party Saturday night. Initially I was into, but then opted to uninvite everyone I actually knew and sit in the back on the computer. I went in the house at 2 am, to use the bathroom and eat pizza. I ate my pizza then waited to get in the fridge, while two drunk dudes were scoping out its contents for anything that had alcohol in it. I pushed them aside, and grabbed a carton of milk. I drank some, then put it back. The boys stood straight up and looked at me admiringly. Then one announced, "You just drank Milk. That was awesome." I go, "You can have some!"
-Katrina asks one of our bartenders what he "is" Sunday, for early Halloween. He tells her he is a pirate. I look at him again to see how exactly he is a pirate. He points at me and announces, "And, Sarah is…I know…disaffected!"
-Katrina and I clean my room. In the process, I pull out all the clothes I no longer wear. I fill an entire trash bag and offer them to Katrina and Dora. Katrina does very well with the bags contents. She has worn a completely "new" outfit each day this week, of clothing that formerly belonged to me. Someone tells her they like her dress, at work one night. She announces, "I should take pictures of me wearing all your clothes and post a blog of me in all these outfits. I will be like look at what Sarah is wearing now! It can all be yours next season!"
-I am smoking a cigarette on the patio, at work one evening. A gentleman comes over and asks if I mind if he shares my ashtray. I look down and see it full of cigarette butts. I respond, "Well, it looks like others have shared it before. So, why not!"
-I am telling Stuart I was disappointed in the whole Halloween thing (where Dora takes off and takes off her Power Puff girls' outfit, leaving only two Power Puff girls.) He responds, "Sarah, this is why you should not be hanging out with 18 year olds."
-Another disappointment and one of more significance, Dan does not dress up at me, like he promised. He was G.I. Joe or something comparable. I inform him, "You know this means you are going to have to dress up as me for Thanksgiving!"
-I remind Jacob that my Beauty Bar Beauty Contest Semifinals are Sunday night. I instruct him to be there. I tell him I want to make sure everyone cheers the loudest for me. He goes, "I am going to wear a Sarah Morrison t-shirt!"
-Melissa is all worked up about the cable bill. I am supposed to drive to Eagle Rock and put it in my name. This is supposed to be on the top on my nonexistent "to-do list." After another message about it, Katrina remarks, "I don't even ever see you guys watching TV." I reply, "Yeah, I really only watch Sex and the City DVDs."
-Mike sends me some camera phone picture of "Sarah M + Mat B" carved in cement. He inquires, "So who is Mat B?" Mat if you are out there, call me. Mike has my number.
-Some boy I work with comes over to me and begins staring at my jacket. He inquires, "What is that made of?" I go, "I don't know…jacket?
-I am verbally relaying a phone message to Christian, today at work. I am sort of talking in circles, but I get what I am trying to say. I also think Christian understood it somehow. Stuart is staring at me the entire time. Once I finish he goes, "Christian, if you did not understand that, she can type it up in a blog and you can read it on the internet. Or, better yet she can video tape herself explaining it and you can go watch it on YouTube!"
-My manager walks in to the office today. I am sitting and staring at a giant picture of Kiki on my laptop. He looks to see what I am doing. I go, "Want to look at pictures of my dead cat?"
Best Week Ever: October 20th
"I thought it was important. You were wearing glasses."
-Katrina and I are discussing ideas for inventions that we both have. I let her in on my caffeinated toothpaste idea. She discusses some of her concerns with my product, which I defend. She then inquires, "What is it going to be called?" I stop to think for a second. Then Katrina announces, "I know! Best Toothpaste Ever!"
-I have had a cold off and on for what is starting to seem like forever. I inform my fellow employees at work that I wish they made nose tampons, for runny noses. We then decide that they could market them as "Tamponose."
-We end up in Orange County or as I like to call it Mexico at some new dance night. Luke, Jacob, and Florin all show up, as well. Luke and I use the remainder of Cory Kennedy's drink tickets. Later, he is over at the bar buying her a drink. He yells to Katrina, "Ask Sarah, what Cory is drinking?" Katrina yells back, "Alcohol!"
-We play the "who should drive home game," after the Orange County festivities come to a close. I inform the carpool that I have only had two beers, but I do not have my glasses. I announce, "Me driving without glasses is like I had four beers."
-I arrive at work in a grey t-shirt, red slip, green tights, and gold bra. I had changed my tights from purple to green at the last minute, due to a run in the other pair. Not until I arrive at work and encounter my coworkers, do I realize I look like some sort of holiday elf, or walking Christmas tree. I am in the kitchen, putting a cake away in the walk in freezer. My manager, who has not yet commented on my ensemble, opens the door and yells, "Sarah what are you doing? Is Santa in there?"
-Twenty something people are sitting in one room socializing, after cinespace gets out Tuesday evening. It is decided that a cab needs to be called, in order to get a bunch of girls back to their car. As one intoxicated person after another screams the address into the speaker phone, things keep getting worse. More people start yelling. After calling the cab company numerous times, and them hanging up, the group began to feel defeated. Until one boy I know quietly remarked, "Why don't you take it off speak phone?" Everyone sort of looked at him like he was a genius and the cab was called successfully.
-One of our owners at work comes over and asks me how I am doing. I sort of unenthusiastically reply, "Great." He adds, "You don't sound like you are doing great." I point at him, and go, "And, that is why I am a hostess, not an actress."
-I go over to Katrina's house one afternoon looking for her. Her boyfriend answers the door, then goes to get her for me. She comes to the door looking sort of concerned. I tell her I want her to go to this thing at Vine Bar with me. She relaxes and runs to get her stuff. Her boyfriend shrugged, "I thought it was important. You were wearing glasses."
-The office door at Dim Mak gets locked from the inside. Poor Jacob can not get in to sleep. People are shoving library cards and video store cards in the door to try to get it open. I give Ron my maxed out MasterCard to use. We leave the door with all the cards wedged in it, give up, and return to my house. I receive an inquiry from a boy who works there as to why my MasterCard is sitting on his desk. I explain the situation. I inform him he can throw it out or carry it around in his wallet. He tells me he is going to carry it around in his wallet and flash it to try to get into clubs.
-I run into Alec at Beauty Bar. Alec lives in San Diego. He is one of my brothers old roommates, or as I commonly refer to him, "my Jewish brother." I had not seen him in a year or so. He was in LA on business. I was excited to see him. I go, "This is so much better than running into my actual brother!"
-We are discussing that dance night in Orange County we went on that field trip to. A boy I know who did not attend, remarked, "I want to go! I love sixteen year old girls." I turn to him and announce, "You do not have to go all the way to Orange County. There are sixteen year olds, right here at the mall!"
-I am pouring Katrina a drink, Friday night. I point to the cup, asking if she wants me to fill it up more. She goes, "Just leave room for the straw!"
Best Week Ever: October 13th
"You are like Bettie Page, but you don't live in a trailer."
-Stuart inquires why I am not drinking on Tuesday evening, as I hold a water at 11pm. I go, "I threw up last Tuesday." Drink in hand, he shrugs and announces, "I threw up Saturday."
-A girl I know shows up Tuesday evening at cinespace, with a bunch of her friends I had never met. She introduces me to all of them, then announces, "And this is Sarah. She is famous."
-I have to have a talk with Dora about security's issue with her standing on the couches on Tuesday evenings at my place of employment. She agrees to stay on the floor the entire evening. I am waiting to get paid as we are closing. Dora comes over to me and informs me she did not stand on a single couch the entire evening. She then adds, "You would be really proud of me. I have actually been telling other people to get off the furniture too."
-We are playing Black Jack late one evening this week. Dan sort of intoxicated is sitting two people away from me, chanting "Sarah Morrison is so hot." Steve informs him that I am sitting two chairs away, which Dan knows. Each time it comes around to Dan's turn, and his choice whether to "hit him or not." He announces, "Sarah Morrison me, and slams his hand down or the table. He then lost a few hundred dollars.
-Ron and I are discussing how we met. A boy we both know is enjoying the story. He motions to Ron to get his camera out and offers to take a picture of the two of us. Both of us shake our heads. Ron announces, "There are enough pictures of the two of us." I agree, "Like we already have the entire slide show for the wedding, at this point."
-Katrina is approached by two drunk dudes hitting on her. One of them remarks, "You look fucking awesome." Knowing exactly what he said, Katrina looks at him outraged and states, "I do not look like a fucking possum," and storms off.
-Steve from 90210 attended some sort of event yesterday at my work. I was going to ask to get a picture with him, but couldn't find him in the crowd. When he was exiting, I yelled, "Bye Steve!" Ginger said he turned around and looked "a little pissed."
-The floor of my truck is covered in crap. There is a set of dishes, a bunch of magazines, some extra clothes, a lot of empty Starbucks cups, and a bunch of other stuff I have not really acknowledged in a while. Jacob and I drive back from cinespace the other night and park on Fountain. The next day I notice one Marc Jacobs' shoe on the floor and am unable to find its match. After work, Katrina and I decide to drive back to where Jacob and I had parked the previous evening, hoping by some strange chance the shoe was actually there. When we pull up, we see the shoe. The two of us started screaming and yelling. I go, "This is like Cinderella!" Now I get to find Price Charming!" I then pause as Katrina and I try to put the pieces of the actual Cinderella story together. We come to the realization that the prince was supposed to find the shoe. Katrina convinced that Stuart and I am supposed to live happily ever after together announces, "We have to hide the shoe, so Stuart can find it!"
-Jason and I are discussing some work stuff this morning. At some point, I am talking about our respective roles in the task at hand. Jason announces, "You are a valuable asset." Flattered I go, "No, you are a valuable asset!"
-Katrina and I drive by a convertible today with two children in the backseat. She announces, "I would never drive with my kids in a convertible. I would be afraid they would fly out."
-Katrina and I are walking up Ivar today. I hear someone yell "Sarah Morrison," and see a car slowing down. I look at the car, and the girl begins to roll her window down. I do not recognize her. I wait for her to say something. She just starts laughing, points at me and yells, "The internet!"
-I am expressing my concern over people pulling my writing and photos and using them without my consent. I explain the whole ordeal to Katrina, after I get off the phone with a boy who is helping me sort out some of the matter at hand. Katrina pauses then announces, "You are like Bettie Page, but you don't live in a trailer."
Best Week Ever: October 6th
"Something bad happened."
-We end up short on servers Monday evening, at work. My manager informs me I have a half an hour to sort of learn how to put orders in the computer because I will be waitressing during dinner. I look at him like I want to run away. He is giving me a sort of run down on how we are going to make this work and is laughing. I pause and ask, "Are you laughing?" He adds, "Sarah, I am only laughing to prevent you from crying."
-I am watching a movie in the back Tuesday, when Stuart text messages me informing me that he is running late. He asks me to go set up the door downstairs. I tell him that one of the security guys already brought everything down. He then instructs me to "bring it back up stairs and do it again."
-Stuart and I are discussing the events of the evening prior, in the office one afternoon this week. Megan turns to us and asks us to stop gossiping. Stuart goes, "It is not gossiping, when we are talking about ourselves.
-Dora and I are sitting on the patio as security is kicking people out, late Tuesday evening. One of our owner's comes and sits down next to us and jokingly tells us we have to leave. As which point Dora goes, "Sarah works here! She does cinespace's Myspace profile!"
-Dora and I are talking to two boys she knows that are twins. I inform them that Dora and I are also twins. Even know I am a brunette and she is a blonde. We are ten years apart in age, and she lives in the Valley.
-I am doing the door Friday night at work. Some guy comes in, hands me his ticket, and announces, "If you are not famous, you should be." I look up, point at him, and go, "I like you!"
-Friday evening, a girl I know shows up at cinespace, while I am working the door. She tells me she wants to introduce me to the boy she is out with. I do not inform her she introduced him to me Tuesday evening, and just go along with it. He shakes my hand and looks at me like he recognizes me. I go, "I met you on Tuesday. I was in this exact spot and you were standing right there. He goes, "You look different." I inform him, "I changed my clothes."
-Katrina and I are in the car one day. She remarks that she is having fun, during our day's adventures. I pause and go, "It would be funner if Kiki was here."
-I take Katrina to the doctors at some insanely early hour, Saturday morning. We are sitting in the waiting room, when some guy delivers a newspaper. The newspaper is entirely in Chinese. Katrina holds it up. There is a giant picture of some building collapsing on the front page. I announce that I will read it. I point to the Chinese headline, and read outloud, "Something bad happened."
-Sara one of our waitresses at work, disappears for a month. She returns last night and is asking me for a recap on work. She asks me what's new. What has changed? I pause and think for a moment and announce, "Oh, Ginger makes pot Brownies, now!"
-My bedroom door has one doorknob. So, when I shut it I have to make sure I turn the doorknob around. Since this is a task I am unable to keep up with, my roommates have simply grown accustomed to me climbing out my window and coming in the front door when I have locked myself in my room. Pat returned home today from errands excited and informed me he bought me a present. I yelled, "A Kiki cat?" He announced, "A doorknob!"
-I decide to look on Craigslist for a cat. I find a story of this cat that had been rescued during hurricane Katrina and nearly dead. The family saved her and now they are moving overseas. I send them an email expressing my interest in the kitty. I am telling my mom how I feel like this cat and I are destined to be together. I remind her that I rescued Kiki also, when I took her from Oregon from Mark and Jamey's house. My mom goes, "You rescued her? From what, Mark?"
-Pat and his girlfriend walk in the livingroom, as I am on the phone with Brooke. Brooke is giving me the rundown on her week. It becomes my turn and I announce, "I went to the gynecologist and I threw up on Tuesday night." They laughed and walked out of the room, but Brooke seemed impressed.
Best Week Ever: September 29th
"Someone killed my cat for my birthday!"
-Katrina and I are talking and I am apparently half listening. She says, "They are like relax and all of a sudden WHAM!" I add, "And, you are like um I thought we were just kissing?" She looks at me confused and informs me, "I was talking about the gynecologist."
-I am purchasing a pack of cigarettes at a local liquor store. The guy ringing me up asks, "How old are you?" I hand him my license. He laughs and announces, "You are old enough to buy anything!" I smile and go, "Thanks!"
-Dora calls while Katrina and I are driving down Cahuenga looking for parking. She asks me if i am at cinespace yet. I inform her that "Me and Cahuenga are looking for parking."
-Katrina and I are watching some E! show. They are showing these new purses with a fluorescent light around the lining, so you are able to see inside your bag. All the purses they show are little. I remark that they should make big bags. Big bags are the ones that really need it. Then Katrina reminds me that a little fluorescent light would not help a bag the size of the ones we carry around. I announce, "My bag would need a chandelier." Katrina adds, "Mine would need a small man carrying a flashlight."
-Katrina and I decide to play a game. It goes like this, one of us says a number and the other person has to go to through their Myspace comments to that respective page. You then have to respond to a question or comment someone wrote months or years ago, and post a response to it on *said* person's page. One of the first comments I randomly respond to is from John in June. It reads, "I am in big trouble!" I comment back, "So are we!" John quickly writes back, "So are we? What are you talking about? Are you high again?" And, with that John won the game.
-Katrina and I are sitting in my front yard. I am complaining about the parking situation by the house and suggest we should start taking the bus to work. Katrina gets excited and announces, "Yeah, the bus is like a dollar!" I add, "And if we end up in Hollywood at four in the morning, we can take a cab home." Katrina pauses, and then reminds me, "Wait that's not a dollar."
-I work the door on Tuesdays with Stuart. He is wandering around cinespace looking for me, as it approaches 10 pm Tuesday. I realize the time, but I am watching a movie in the back when he finds me. I lean over and go, "Do you need me?" He tells me "Soon." I go, "Do you want me to come now?" He shrugs and goes, "Five minutes." Katrina sort of laughing and sort of alarmed asks, "Do you want me to leave you guys alone?"
-Stuart gets evicted from his house the day before his birthday. I try to make him feel better and announce, "Someone killed my cat for my birthday!"
-Jason and I are in a meeting at work about a new promotion we have going. They ask me how I am planning to promote the evening being discussed. I announce, "Myspace, I have like 9000 friends." Jason goes, "That is a lot for a girl who does not take her clothes off." They then ask what my market is. To which I respond, "Well, 90 percent of them are girls, and ten percent of them are guys that would like me to take my clothes off."
-Katrina takes a picture of Stuart and me working the door, Tuesday night. We both head over to the camera to see the photo. She goes, "Aw you guys would make a cute couple!" To which Stuart responds, "We would either make a really cute couple or a really great brother and sister. No one is sure, yet."
-My dad is in the San Diego County area on business. I drive down to San Clemente to meet him this week. I arrive to where we are planning to meet. I get out of the truck and start to look around. A gentleman nearby looks at my truck, my Massachusetts plates, then announces, "You are from home." I nod and respond, "And, a little homesick."
-My dad and I are eating lunch at the beach. I am telling him that I think I have a cavity or something. I go, "My tooth is bleeding." He announces, "Sarah, teeth don't bleed."
-Steve Aoki shows up at cinespace and I am not there. Katrina is there by herself. He looks at her confused and goes, "Wait, do you work here?" She tells him that she does. He goes, "I thought you just sat here and hung out with Sarah."
-Katrina and I decide we are going to take a road trip. I can not think of anywhere we should go. She announces, "the Grand Canyon!" She decides to ask people how far the Grand Canyon is from LA. The first girl she asks tells her it is 36 hours away. Katrina looks at the girl alarmed. I roll my eyes and go, "We could be in Boston in 36 hours. I will take you to the Grand Canyon."
Best Week Ever: September 22nd
"I love you, but if you don't die, I am taking it back."
-Melissa, Will, and I are out at dinner in Austin. Will asks Melissa if she has ever told me that she loves me. She starts laughing uncomfortably. He instructs her to tell me right then and there that she loves me. She does not. I go, "I could die on the plane back to LA tomorrow. She responds, "I love you, but if you don't die, I am taking it back."
-I arrive at LAX, after sleeping most of the plane ride on my tray table. I get off the plane and spot a Starbucks, so I enter its Space Mountain-esque line and wait for my turn. The guy in front of me is some sort of Evangelist and is handing out pamphlets from his place in line to those surrounding me. And, with that I was back in Los Angeles.
-I am waiting for Katrina to pick me up from the airport, before I realize that she is not actually coming, nor is anyone else. I am sitting on my luggage in the median area, where people wait for rental shuttles and whatnot. Some police officer asks me if I am getting on a shuttle. I tell him I am not. He tells me if I do not move back to the airport sidewalk he will write me a 65 dollar ticket. I shrug and say, "That's fine." He walks away going, "I will write it up if you don't move." I yell, "Fine." He never returns.
-I arrive home and discover my house has hosted some sort of giant party the previous evening. Melissa and Kiki are gone, and everything is in disarray. My luggage is still in the driveway, so I throw it in the back of my truck and drive south, until I get hungry and tired. I find a motel somewhere near San Diego. I paid for one night initially, but ended up staying two. I like motel rooms. They have no discernable past. Homes have stories. Motels don't talk.
-I begin working on my website while in exile. I needed a Kinko's to scan some old photos. So, I Mapquested the closest one and headed over there. After returning, I receive a Myspace message from a girl telling me she just saw me at a Kinko's in Oceanside and was "too starstruck" to say Hi.
-Have you been reading my diary? You should be. It is a collection of stories from the past and present. I am adding them periodically each week. With each story, you begin to understand who I am and how I got here. I recommend it. It is called thesarahmorrison.com.
-I tell my manager at work that I am running home to change before I work the door, Tuesday night. He goes, "Do they pay you to do that?" I stare at him confused and go, "Yes they pay me. I do not work for free. I am not a Girl Scout."
-I am waiting for Stuart Tuesday night outside the office. Some very drunk boy approaches me and asks me if I know him. I tell him I do not. He goes on to ask if I am "Sarah Morrison." I nod. He goes, "I thought I met you two weeks ago. This girl told me she was you." Confused I say, "She said she was "Sarah Morrison?" He shakes his head, "No, she said her name was Vanessa."
-I am on my way out of cinespace at like 2 something, and my hand is grabbed by a boy I know. He is pulling my arm and insisting I come with him to a party that "Paris is at." I pull away and inform him I am going home. He looks at me confused and asks, "What is wrong with you tonight?" I shrug, "I am trying to be a grown up this week."
-One of my owners at work comes over to congratulate me on some sort of minor accomplishment, this week. I knew exactly what he was referring to yet responded, "On what? My cat dying?" He tried not to laugh and said, "No, Sarah not on your cat dying."
-I mention something about being 27 to Stuart, who reminds me he is also 27. I then remind him he is almost 28. He informs me he is planning to stay 27 forever. I tell him I would like to be 23 forever. He then tells me he likes 27. He continues, "You are not too old to get the young girls, and the older girls still want you." I look at him like he is insane and continue what I was doing.
-Katrina calls to see if I can pick her up from work. She then asks if I can call her boyfriend to see if he can pick her up, instead. I am leaving a message for Blake detailing that I dropped off Katrina at work and that she needs a ride home. I go on to tell him that one of us needs to pick her up, and that he needs to call me back as soon as possible. I then realize what I am saying and go, "I feel like we are an amicably divorced couple with shared custody of the kids."
-EJ is moving to NYC. He asks me for my email in case I ever get off of Myspace. I am writing it down when I pause and announce, "If I ever disappear from Myspace something is horribly wrong. I suggest calling the Cops." I then finished writing down my email, and hand him back his notebook.
-I am squatting on the ground behind the host stand at work surrounded by cases of beer that need to be relocated, when Stuart comes over. He inquires, "Is there a barback here?" I shake my head and point across the room and inform that "the bar is over there."
-Apparently I have a fan club. It looks sort of awesome. I have no idea who is doing it, but who ever they are I sort of like them. Be their friend because having a fan club with 14 friends is sort of depressing.
Best Week Ever: September 15th
"I know you are not happy, but pretend to be happy. Americans are supposed to be happy."
-Katrina and I are in a local retail establishment shopping and visiting with Jessica. Jessica asks me about the status of some boy we all know that I had accidentally made out with a few times, and is notorious for doing the above and being an asshole about it. Katrina goes, "She announced she was deleting him out of her phone." I nodded. Jessica goes, "Oh good Sarah. Then you would never see him again!"
-I am walking down Hollywood Blvd, after work Friday evening at approximately 2am. I am approached by some young boy. He asks me what I am doing. I tell him that I am leaving work. He then inquires, "Where do you work? A lingerie store?" To which I respond, "Yes, a lingerie store."
-I am squatting on the ground flipping through the new La Weekly looking for an ad I am in at 2:30 am, in front of that news stand on Cahuenga. I am discovered by a drunk gentleman I know, who decides to keep me company. Drunk club goers seem to sort of be successfully maneuvering around me, so I opt not too move. A group of dudes stumble upon me, and one of them announces, "Don't sit like that, if you are going to dress like that." My drunk gentleman friend quickly yells back, "Don't talk like that, if you have been drinking!"
-Katrina and I are in my truck, due to the fact Melissa has returned and taken her car from me. As most that have seen my truck could tell you, it is simply a place to hold whatever items I was unable to fit in my storage unit. As Katrina admires the dishes, scale, and other household items she inquires, "Can I smoke in here?" I start laughing and nod. She adds, "Well, I didn't want to contaminate the Spatula."
-Katrina and I pull up at a light in front of a Starbucks with outside seating. She points at a table in front of the Starbucks and asks," Is that Jason?" We both proceed to yell "Jason" and laugh uncontrollably. He waves and laughs back, making fun of us. After we drive off, Katrina remarks, "I did not think that was Jason. He looked smaller. Maybe it was because he was sitting down."
-Melissa text messages me informing me that one of the neighbors just called her "pensive."
-Katrina and I arrive at work and tell Ginger of the awkward stoplight encounter with Jason. We kept telling her it was just so weird. She finally stops us and goes, "Why was it so weird? Starbucks is probably the most common place you could run in to someone." I shrug, "I think maybe it was because we were in a car and he was not?"
-Some dude asks me for change, the other day. I tell him I do not have any because I put it all in my meter. He then informs me of his plan to put super glue in all meter coins slots. I add, "Super glue is too expensive." He points at me and announces, "Not if I steal it." I tell him that I like him. He then asks me if I want to be his girlfriend. I inform him I have to go to work, but maybe later.
-I run into a boy I know unexpectedly at the flea market, as we are starting to clean up. He heads over to hug me, I warn, "I have been here since 5 am and just woke up from a nap in the backseat of the car. He hugs me and responds, "And, that is exactly what you smell like."
-I return home from the flea market and find that Kiki got hit by a car, or took a nap under a car that did not notice her. She was not alive and there were ants all over her. I had to touch her to make sure. I cried a lot. I did not speak for 24 hours, until I arrived at cinespace Monday night. Then the week got progressively worse, but we will keep it PG. Kiki died this week, and I will miss her forever.
-Discover card calls me this week informing me I owe them 120 something dollars. I inquire how on earth I could possibly owe them that amount due to the fact my monthly payments are usually 20 something dollars. They tell me I never paid August's bill, therefore there is a late charge. They then tell me September's payment is overdue and it has a late fee attached as well. I go, "I seriously owe you people that much money for my DISCOVER card?" He tells me I do. I pause and announce, "My cat just died," then hang up.
-We are about to leave for Texas early Thursday morning. I am bringing my stuff out to the car, half asleep when, something bad happens that I will not discuss because Melissa is editing this before I post it making sure it is "not depressing." I sort of lose it and take a bunch of Dramamine and sleep for a while. I wake up in the car and Melissa informs me it is 2 pm and that I am in Arizona. She goes, "You just woke up hours and hours later, in another state? Doesn't it feel like your experiencing time travel." I shake my head, "No, it feels like I am experiencing depression."
-Melissa and I are headed towards the Border patrol station. She hides her weed and asks me if I can try to look normal, or at least sit up in the car. She adds, "I know you are not happy, but pretend to be happy. Americans are supposed to be happy."
-I am reading some celebrity gossip magazine, today. Melissa asks me how old Angelina Jolie is. I read, "31." Melissa then adds, "You know, Sarah. She is closer to your age then your 17 year old friends are."
-I send a text message to my reliable or semi-reliable friends, asking if any of them will pick me up at the airport. Jason inquires later in the day if I found someone to pick me up. I tell him that I did. He adds, "I hope he is tall dark and handsome." I respond, "She is small and Asian."
Best Week Ever: September 8th
"I dont think this is a hangover, but whatever it is, I dont like it."
-I ask my manager if he is going to need me to stay the evening. He responds, "Yes Sarah. We are having some sort of porno party and you are going to stay. This should excite you because this will be great for all those funny little things you write."
-Dana text messages me letting me know she is coming to said porno event at cinespace. She writes, "They suggest sexy or minimal attire i.e. Sarah Morrison attire."
-Dana and I are being hit on by two trashy dudes. They are talking and we are not listening. I am staring off into the distance with my arms folded. One of the guys taps me on the shoulder and asks, "Are you cold?" I uncross my arms and inform him I am not. Dana goes, "Thats not cold. Thats pensive." They look at her confused and move on.
-One of the security guys comes over and asks me if I have any lotion. I go, "No, but I have Mary-Kate and Ashley perfume." He looked confused, and just heads downstairs.
-I get home Friday night and find a package in my room. I open it and discover an Ipod. At first I thought it was from god. Then I found a card that read, "Happy Birthday. Love, Mom."
-I am having stomach issues. I have this weird pain in my side all the time. I sit down in the office and announce that I think I have an ulcer. Stuart responds, "Sarah, you don't even know what an ulcer is." I turn to him and go, "Well, it is either that or death."
-I run into a boy I know from home at Beauty Bar. I instruct him to come to my birthday party on Tuesday. He tells me he can not because he will be in Omaha. I go, "Oh Omaha is funner anyways," and walk away.
-I am being hit on by some dude at Beauty Bar, and finding no visible way to get out of the conversation. He asks, "So is your area code 310 or 323?" I inform him it is 323. He then asks, "Has anyone ever called you convenient before?"
-I am under the impression the boys at Dim Mak have a helium tank, due to them arriving at cinespace with one, a few weeks back. After trying three different boys, I was directed to Luke who informed me they rented it from a party supply place on Melrose. He suggests I rent one. I inform him that they are heavy and I had just wanted to have one brought to me. I tell him, "I will just buy balloons. They are way lighter."
-Ron and I are discussing his Cobrasnake pictures. He is telling me that people are saying he takes bad pictures of them. I go, "Ron, this is Cobrasnake. This is not Glamour Shots."
-I am giving one of the waitresses Annaliese the seating chart at work, last weekend. I inform her that our waitress Stuart is coming in for dinner and point to where she will be sitting. Annaliese goes, "Wait my Stuart?" I go, "The waitress Stuart." I then stop, and point at everyones favorite male employee Stuart and ask, "Does that make him my Stuart?" She says, "Well hes not mine."
-I decide that making everyone dress up at Disney characters at my birthday party is a great idea. Katrina agrees with this sentiment. I text message Steve Aoki DJ extraordinaire to inform him he will need to get a Captain Hook costume. He does not write back.
-Katrina and I are carrying my cake and bags of birthday paraphernalia, up Ivar Tuesday early evening. Some pseudo-homeless dude asks us which one of us is having the party. I inform him it is me. He asks me how old I am going to be. I tell him, "16. I cant wait to get my license. My daddy is getting me a car." Katrina asks me what kind of car I am getting. I tell her I am getting a Land Rover. She starts stomping her feet and goes, "All my daddy got me was a BMW!" I go, "Thats because your dad is an asshole." The presumably homeless gentleman goes, "Have fun at the party." We responded, "We will!"
-Katrina and I are running up the stairs at cinespace Tuesday, after a brief appearance at Starshoes. A group of boys are coming down the stairs. One of them points at me and yells, "I used to love that girl!" I turn to Katrina, "I guess he doesnt love me anymore," and we continued up the stairs.
-My birthday party is fun like woah. If you missed it Cobrasnake was there to document its awesomeness. I heart cinespace. I heart Dora and Katrina and everyone else that helped. I hearted my dress. I heart everyone that came.
-I end up sleeping for some short amount of time on a couch at the Dim Mak office Tuesday evening. I get up because I hear people and dont see Dora. I am standing and trying to communicate, when one of my boobs comes out of my dress. Three boys point at me and go, "I can see Sarah Morrisons boob." So I go lie back down.
-Katrina and I are not doing too well Wednesday at work. We are sort of laughing uncontrollably for no reason and staring blankly straight ahead a lot. I am discussing how I hate hangovers. Katrina adds, "I dont really get hangovers. I dont think this is a hangover, but whatever it is, I dont like it."
-I am standing outside of work last night waiting for my cab. EJ one of our security dudes is moving to New York. He goes, "Next year come to New York for your birthday." I shake my head defeated, "No more birthdays."
-EJ is laughing at me and my impatience in waiting for my cab. He says, "I cant wait to read Best Week Ever." I laugh and point at him and announce, "Me too!"
-I am on the phone with Mark today who witnessed the loss of my boob late Tuesday night/early Wednesday morning. I am hanging up the phone when I hear him go, "Keep your boobs in your shirt today!"
Best Week Ever: September 1st
"I should be meowing because I miss Melissa."
-So I am looking at this boy I knows Myspace profile, I see that he has this girl in his top eight that I remember from a hundred years ago. The girl made out with this boy I was dating, in Boston. He broke things off with me because he really liked her or something. He was sort of a dickhead. I ask the boy how he knows her. He tells me she helped get some music stuff going for him. He continues, "She then came out here to visit and popped the question...." He paused, "Will you put me in your top eight?"
-You might remember Melissa and I being rear ended by some dude on the way to Danas Bingo night a while back. Well, it turns out the boy in question has decided that we backed into him. I tell Melissa this fun fact and she says, "So we backed into him going thirty miles an hour?" I correct her, "We were driving backwards, going thirty miles an hour."
-I am training our new hostess at work. She was downstairs and on her way back up, she encounters an older couple who ask her, "How many stairs do you have?" When she returns, I inform her this is not a question she needs to know the answer to.
-We are at the door to the club, Saturday evening. Some guy pulls up right in front and announces that he is picking up the Dj. I go to one of the security guys, "I wish people picked me up." He goes, "Maybe if you put your shoes back on and brushed your hair, "people" would."
-I run into two boys Saturday evening outside of the club, who are putting on an event later in the week that involves a Rubix cube competition. I go to them, "Did you find a lot of...um people that can do the Rubix cube or whatever?" He corrects me shaking his head, "Sarah, they are called Cubists. They are called Cubists."
-I decide that I am going to try to consolidate my debt, or call my credit card companies and complain a little and see what happens. After I have explained my financial situation to the first major credit card the gentleman assisting me says, "So let me get this straight. You have no idea what you make a year, but its not that much. You pay 800 dollars in rent, have three major credit cards, and may or may not be ten grand or so in debt?" I go, "Exactly!"
-The next credit card company is less understanding. I explain the situation to them. They offer no solution at all. They instead ask me if they can help me with anything else "today." I pause and go, "But you did not help me with anything yet?" She repeats what she just said. So I just hang up.
-Kiki is meowing like crazy, when she is not peeing on Pats stuff. I am telling my mom about it. I go, "She is meowing because she is lonely. She misses Melissas cat." I add, "I should be meowing because I miss Melissa."
-Katrina is our new hostess and maybe my new best friend. She approaches me, upset that one of the door guys is referring to her as "Tsunami." She goes, "I have no problem with hurricane, but Tsunamis are huge!"
-I am doing the door at work last night for some event. I am handed two lists. One is a five dollar list and the other is a free list. I pick up the "five dollar list" and look at something written next to the first name. I read out loud, "If he is tall. He is comped?" The boy running the event adds, "Not all tall people though, just him." I nodded.
-I am approached by a homeless lady I know last night, outside of work. She asks me for two dollars and I hand it over to her with out blinking. The boy doing security looks at me confused. I go, "She watches my car and I give her money for Popeyes occasionally." He goes, "Sarah, where are you parking?"
-Outside last night, I watch a boy come out of a nearby bar with a beer in his hand. I grab Ginger and go, "He left with a beer!" She shrugs and says, "Well, he didnt come out of here with a beer." I am still a little alarmed. She goes, "Sarah, you are like the Hollywood Blvd hall monitor."
-I arrive at Davids store five minutes late this morning. At which point, he decides to talk to me like I am retarded and says, "I thought you werent even coming?" I respond, "Yeah, that makes more sense, than I worked late last night." After we exchange a few words, he tells me my vibe or karma or something is bad and it is ruining the stores energy and I should go home. My face lit up, "Really? Yay!"
-Tuesday night is my birthday party at cinespace. Doors are at 10. I will not be at the door, but Stuart will be. Free vodka 10-11, free Sarah Morrison stuff, rides, drinks, cake, candy, games, bands, Aoki and Jason....and ME! Bring presents! Ok, there wont be rides.
Best Week Ever: August 25th
"Press 4 if you are Sarah Morrison."
-Some shitty band writes me on Myspace telling me that "since i like Morrissey i will like them. I respond, "Wait, but i don't like Morrissey?" They never write back.
-One of the boys at work is going to get food at Popeyes. I ask him to get me a Milkshake. He returns with a Smoothie and i complain a bit. I go, "Smoothies are just gross Milkshakes. The vitamins ruin them." I drink it anyways.
-I am at work and we are having two separate parties, one is for the Oxygen Network and the other is a birthday party. Two girls arrive and i instantly go, "Are you here for the Oxygen party?" They look at me laughing, and say, "I like that you knew we were here for the Oxygen party." I respond, "Well, the birthday party has been a bunch of dudes wearing Yamakas."
-There are squirrels running around in our yard. They are pulling the Avocados off the trees. Melissa goes, "They are getting them for hibernation." I remind her it is August. She looks at my blankly. I go, "They are probably just hungry."
-My mom has been getting all the calls related to my computer and its pending repair. She is informing me of the updates on its status. She says, "Everytime they call there is this recording where you "Press 4 if you are Sarah Morrison," we just keep pressing four."
-I am modelling for Melissa aka Mama Stone Vintage when she inquires, "Can you look at me with your chin?"
-I am modelling some dress and realize there is some sort of faded pattern on the thing. I tell Melissa, "Something used to be going on this dress." She looks closer at it and responds, "Great Sarah, I will just describe it as something used to be going on on this dress."
-One of the owners at cinespace commends me on my writing, referring to the cinespace profile. I respond, "I only made fun of Stuart a little." He responded, "Sarah, I am giving you permission to make fun of anyone you want, as much as you want."
-I am outside smoking a cigarette on the patio, Tuesday evening. My manager comes out and goes, "Sarah, so who exactly is watching the door?" I go, "The Dim Mak records boys. I told them just to tell everyone that comes in, that the door is at ten." He inquires, "And, do the Dim Mak boys answer the phone?" I add, "I will check the messages when i get back."
-My mom calls to ask if i am "ok" this week. I ask her why. She says,"I read on the internet you hit your head on the garage really bad. I hope you write this down and tell the internet your mom called to ask if are ok from reading this."
-I am working the door, Tuesday night. A boy i know arrives and commends me on my work ethic. He goes, "With all that you do Sarah, it makes me feel bad that i do not do that much." I tell him i never feel like i am at home. He goes, "Well, maybe "out" is your "home."
-I call Stuart crying Wednesday asking what time i need to work. I am trying not to cry, but still am a little. He asks me what's wrong. I tell him my best friend Melissa left for good today and I don't think i am going to make it. I then add, "I know i am 26." he pauses and says, "Sarah, best friends are important."
-Someone steals a dress out of the Dim Mak records office, Tuesday night. Somehow i get accused of it, probably due to the fact i was the only phone number of any girl present that evening, those boys had. I tell Ron when trying to clear my name, "Why would i steal a dress from Dim Mak, when i was wearing a Betsey Johnson dress?"
Best Week Ever: August 18th
"Sarah, who is watching your trailer?"
-Some shitty band writes me on Myspace telling me that "since i like Morrissey i will like them. I respond, "Wait, but i don't like Morrissey?" They never write back.
-One of the boys at work is going to get food at Popeyes. I ask him to get me a Milkshake. He returns with a Smoothie and i complain a bit. I go, "Smoothies are just gross Milkshakes. The vitamins ruin them." I drink it anyways.
-I am at work and we are having two separate parties, one is for the Oxygen Network and the other is a birthday party. Two girls arrive and i instantly go, "Are you here for the Oxygen party?" They look at me laughing, and say, "I like that you knew we were here for the Oxygen party." I respond, "Well, the birthday party has been a bunch of dudes wearing Yamakas."
-There are squirrels running around in our yard. They are pulling the Avocados off the trees. Melissa goes, "They are getting them for hibernation." I remind her it is August. She looks at my blankly. I go, "They are probably just hungry."
-My mom has been getting all the calls related to my computer and its pending repair. She is informing me of the updates on its status. She says, "Everytime they call there is this recording where you "Press 4 if you are Sarah Morrison," we just keep pressing four."
-I am modelling for Melissa aka Mama Stone Vintage when she inquires, "Can you look at me with your chin?"
-I am modelling some dress and realize there is some sort of faded pattern on the thing. I tell Melissa, "Something used to be going on this dress." She looks closer at it and responds, "Great Sarah, I will just describe it as something used to be going on on this dress."
-One of the owners at cinespace commends me on my writing, referring to the cinespace profile. I respond, "I only made fun of Stuart a little." He responded, "Sarah, I am giving you permission to make fun of anyone you want, as much as you want."
-I am outside smoking a cigarette on the patio, Tuesday evening. My manager comes out and goes, "Sarah, so who exactly is watching the door?" I go, "The Dim Mak records boys. I told them just to tell everyone that comes in, that the door is at ten." He inquires, "And, do the Dim Mak boys answer the phone?" I add, "I will check the messages when i get back."
-My mom calls to ask if i am "ok" this week. I ask her why. She says,"I read on the internet you hit your head on the garage really bad. I hope you write this down and tell the internet your mom called to ask if are ok from reading this."
-I am working the door, Tuesday night. A boy i know arrives and commends me on my work ethic. He goes, "With all that you do Sarah, it makes me feel bad that i do not do that much." I tell him i never feel like i am at home. He goes, "Well, maybe "out" is your "home."
-I call Stuart crying Wednesday asking what time i need to work. I am trying not to cry, but still am a little. He asks me what's wrong. I tell him my best friend Melissa left for good today and I don't think i am going to make it. I then add, "I know i am 26." he pauses and says, "Sarah, best friends are important."
-Someone steals a dress out of the Dim Mak records office, Tuesday night. Somehow i get accused of it, probably due to the fact i was the only phone number of any girl present that evening, those boys had. I tell Ron when trying to clear my name, "Why would i steal a dress from Dim Mak, when i was wearing a Betsey Johnson dress?"
Best Week Ever: August 25th
"Press 4 if you are Sarah Morrison."
-Melissa and Will are here, so i am back to sleeping on the couch or in the garage, depending on my mood. Will comes home from the bar and enters Pat's room expecting to see Pat, but instead finds me in Pat's bed. He looks startled at first then goes, "So either you and Pat are hooking up or hes stay at his girlfriends tonight."
-A boy i know is sitting at the store with me. We are discussing our respective experiences with the opposite sex. He then asks me if i remember what he said to me the first time we met. I do not. He tells me he said, "You should be someone's girlfriend." I rolled my eyes.
-At work one night, i am smoking on the patio. The lady running the film screening that is going on comes over to me, and asks me if i have a cigarette. I tell her i do. I then add, "What kind of hostess would i be if i did not have cigarettes for the customers?"
-I am standing at the bar at Will's show, Monday evening. Some boy standing next to me is trying to get my attention. I finally lean in to try to figure out what he was saying. Apparently, he is a hair dresser and is telling me he wants to "cut my hair." I heard, "I want to touch your hair and tried to hand him my ponytail." He handed me his card.
-I hear Melissa on the phone trying to change her address with her health insurance provider. When she finally reaches a human she states her old address, her new address, then adds "my name is going to stay the same."
-Ginger Googles some guys she used to date out of boredom one afternoon. She finds this one guy she knew years ago that had broken her heart. She learns via the internet that he has become a Breathatarian, someone who only consumes natural liquids and air. She goes on about how he used to be when she knew him. She goes, "This would be like if your friend Dana DeArmond decided to become a born again virgin."
-I am parking at the convenience store near my house. One of the dudes who works there is outside smoking a cigarette. He points at my license plates and goes, "Massachusetts, how long have you been here?" I tell him a year or so. He goes, "So isn't it about time to get California plates?" I tell him, "I guess i am still not sure if i want to stay."
-Wednesday i am a little hungover from Tuesday night's festivities. I opt to drink a Sparks. I decide being slightly drunk sounds better than being slightly hungover.
-David leaves the store Wednesday and goes to buy beer. After several beers, David passed out of the couch. After two Sparks, i started writing this.
-I am telling one of the security guys at my work that i am excited we are hosting an LAPD event. I tell him i want to meet a hot cop. He inquires why. I go, "They have guns and they have power, you know?" He responds, "Sarah, who is watching your trailer?"
-We go to some afterparty Tuesday evening on the roof on some apartment building. I go to get drinks for Dora and I and realize they are charging 5 dollars. I yell to Dora, "Let's go back to Cinespace where the drinks were free!"
-My laptop caught on fire as most remember last week. What i thought was just a strange occurrence that was a part of my string of bad luck, ended up being a legitimate Dell recall.
-I end up at Beauty Bar last night after working at the store, the club, and attending LA Weekly's Rock and Roll Bingo. So what this means is that i am walking around the bar with a giant purse containing a laptop and a change of clothes. I am trying to not injure anyone with my bag, as the bar fills up. I am standing at the bar when some dude taps me on the shoulder and announces, "You know they don't allow carry ons anymore."
-After hitting half the customers in either the head or ass with my giant purse last night at the bar, i finally look for another option. I find Frankie Chan DJ extraordinaire and go, "Frankie, i love you can i put my bag behind the DJ booth?" He nods and starts to take it, then stops, and goes, "Did you just say Frankie, i love you?" I nodded, smiled, waved, and left the bag.
-So i drop off a girl i know last night at her car by her work parking lot at 1am, in a less than high foot traffic area. She has managed to leave the gate key in the car and is unable to get into the lot any way besides jumping the 10 foot fence surrounding it. We are trying to come up with a plan as to how to get her into the lot, when some guy walks up and volunteers to hoist her up and over the fence. After all is said and done, and she makes it in. I go to price charming, "Do you just hang out here looking for girls that need to be rescued?" He assured me that he does.
-I run into Rachel last night, the manager at Beauty Bar. She reminds me that the Beauty contest Semi-finals are coming up and to get ready. I go, "There are Semi-finals?" She reassures me that i can reuse my "clothes changing" talent.
-Glen encounters me sitting on the curb in front of my work tonight smoking a cigarette. He inquires, "What's wrong with you? You look miserable?" I respond, "I am having a very "but, i went to college" kind of day."
Best Week Ever: August 11th
"This is your postcard from LA."
-So I am running around in circles yelling in front of the store I work at. A teenage boy is walking down the sidewalk and looks at me frightened. I go, "There is a bee trying to sting me. I am not crazy." He stares blankly at me. I correct myself, "Well, I am crazy, but there IS a bee."
-I am suffering from a case of life sickness this week and opted to check out what Rite Aid had to offer to cure me. I settled on Dramamine. It claims to cure motion sickness, so I figured it would be my best bet.
-My mom comes to visit for a few days this week. My tour of LA involved a lot of shopping. We were on Robertson. My mom had gone into a store and I was standing outside talking to a boy I know. All of a sudden Nikki and Paris come down the sidewalk followed by a slew of photographers. I grab my mom and pull her out of the store, I point at the girls and announce, "This is your postcard from LA."
-I take my mom into American Apparel to meet everybody I used to work with. Shocked, Naima remarks, "Sarah Morrison, are you wearing a bra?" I tell her I wore it for my mom. My mom thanked me.
-My mom and I stop in to meet David at the vintage store I work at. Like usual, there are no customers. David says, "Well, we have had four people in already today." My mom excited says "Well, then we make six!" He corrects her, "No, you make four."
-I interrupt one of the managers at my work by asking a question about a conversation he is not having with me. He turns to me and goes, "Sarah, I am talking to them right now. When I am done, the two of us can have our own little talk. Actually, why don't you talk to Ginger, (who is standing next to him) She seems to enjoy talking to you." Ginger turns to him and says, "I think what you just created might be classified as workplace hostility."
-My mom wants to go to Malibu. I am not much of a sit on the beach person so I take her to the Country Mart. In the Malibu Fred Segal, I turn to my mom and go, "The beach is fun huh? It is just like the city, but closer to the water."
-So my male roommate has a "perfume" or body spray that both Melissa and I really like and sometimes wear to his disappointment. He told us that the company that makes it also makes a similar fragrance that is a little bit more girlie. So I stop in the store in Malibu to inquire about this. I explain the scenario to the gentleman working. He shrugs and goes, "I don't know. I think that one is pretty girlie." So, I bought two bottles.
-I am sitting outside of the store smoking a cigarettes. Some boy coming down the sidewalk stops and starts to make conversation with me. He tells me he sees me out front a lot. I tell him it is because I tend to get bored because we don't have that many customers. I inform him that I had checked twice that day to make sure the door was unlocked.
-I text message a boy I know. He responds, "Who is this?" Once I inform him, he calls moments later to explain that his phone broke and he lost all his numbers when he got the new one. He is still explaining what happened when I interrupt, "So it's not me, it's you?"
-One of our newest bus boys at the club has been given "a promotion" to the AV department. I tell my manager I would like to discuss my disappointment with being overlooked for the promotion. I go, "You may not think I am qualified for the position. But, I actually had a college radio show freshman year. And, regardless of the fact I have had two Ipods stolen, I have been making out with the DJ." She rolled her eyes and walked away.
-Kene is discussing how much he likes one of the waitresses at work. He goes, "She is great, but a little dark." She then storms over, throws her bag down, and announces, "I hate everyone, but I like you guys." And storms back off. He goes, "See?"
-David and Terry have a party at the store Friday night. As soon as I arrive, I encounter a drunk girl I know, have known for quite some time, and see on a regular basis. She goes, "Oh my god I thought you moved to Texas?" I respond, "That is Melissa. We are different people." She looked at me confused.
-I tell Melissa that Chase is coming here in the fall. She goes, "So is H&M!" I add, "I think I am more excited about H&M."
-One of the boys I work with is asking a billion questions about my strange vegetarian junk food diet. He goes, "So do you eat fruit?" I respond, "Fruit Skittles."
-My computer power cord started sizzling, then caught on fire, and actually sort of burnt me, last night. I was at my third chain retail electronic store looking for assistance, today. Luckily, I am approached by a sales boy right when I arrive. I explain the whole scenario to him. I tell him I have spent 250 dollars today on power cords and other useless accessories, that will not work. I tell him I am thinking of trying to use the USB port. I continue on about some of my other ideas. I go on and on and finally look at him waiting for "assistance." He looks at my blankly and asks, "So, you just want your computer to turn on?"
-You thought I could not possibly spend anymore time on Myspace. You were wrong. I am now writing about the interesting happenings at my work and maintaining Cinespace's Myspace profile. Come hang out or at least read about hanging out there. Add us as a friend. You don't want to miss events, dance nights, and funny stories about my workplace that only Sarah Morrison could bring you.
Best Week Ever: August 4th
"You could tell me you had herpes, and seriously half of LA would have it before I would even admit I ever knew."
-I run into Glen out one evening with a bandana tied around his neck. I ask him if he is planning to rob someone. He informs me it is for "our shotgun wedding."
-Glen later asks me if I wrote about Jessica Simpson waving to him in a parking garage in Ponytales (my celebrity gossip column) this week. I inform him I did not because no one cares.
-I am mad at Stuart this week after he decides to spread a ridiculous rumor about me around "our" workplace. Stuart tries to tell me that I can not hate him forever. He adds, "We both have September birthdays." I go, "Well, my party is going to be better than yours. Stuart adds, "I am sure it will be."
-After OK-ing my birthday party plans with the boys in charge of the evening. I ask Jason if I can have a pony. I inform him I would like to do pony rides on Hollywood Blvd. Jason says he has no problem as long as I can get a permit from the city.
-I am complaining to Ginger that my legs hurt. She tells me her back hurts. She goes, "This is when I wish I had a boyfriend to rub my back and give me massages." I go, "I dont like people touching me." Ginger adds, "I do."
-I am in line for the bathroom at a club Friday night. The girl behind me in line tells me that my purse is pulling up my dress and that she can see my butt. I turn around and go, "No you cant. I am wearing leggings. I would have to be wearing a thong for you to actually see my butt."
-A boy I know who is in a local band comes out of the elevator at my work with large musical instruments. I stare at him confused and yell, "Are you like playing here?" To which he responds, "Are you like working here?"
-One of the cooks is outside with me waiting for the door to open to our work. I proceed to sit on the ground. He says, "Sarah, you could not pay me enough to sit on Hollywood Blvd." I shrug. He adds, "I wear brand new socks everyday." I go, "I dont think I even own any socks."
-I am sitting on the patio at my work smoking a cigarette. Ginger had just gotten up. A girl nearby asks me if I mind if she smokes weed. I go, "Um you can if you want, but I work here. (I point at Ginger) and thats my manager." She nods and puts it away.
-I tell Ginger I want to rent a photobooth for my birthday party. She goes, "You dont need to RENT a photobooth. We have one already. Its called Cobrasnake."
-Sergio and I are discussing some of the drama that goes on in our lives. I am telling him something top secret. When he interjects, "You know I can keep a secret like you could tell me you had herpes, and seriously half of LA would have it before I would even admit I ever knew."
-I am telling Brooke that my truck got broken into and another Ipod stolen. She inquires, "Why would someone steal an Ipod? Dont they know they know they can get one free for outdancing the blonde on Myspace?"
-It is approaching door time at my work, last night. We are talking about the plan for the evening, when one of the security dudes storms through. He drops a "No parking after 6pm" sign that is bent in half on the ground. He announces, "I couldnt find a parking spot, so I made my own." I go, "I dont even know what to say right now." Stuart picks up the sign, looks at it, and calmly states, "Thats sort of crazy."
-I round up a few girls I know for this ZZ Top photo shoot Tuesday. I pick up my 18 year-old friend Dora in the morning, in the valley. I start panicing when I realize it is 1 am, Dora is drunk, supposed to be home at 1:30am, and I picked her up 14 hours ago. I tell Dora as she is waiting for the cab, "Your mom is probably like Sarah Morrison picked up my daughter at 11am this morning and has not brought her back. I am a bad babysitter." She goes, "No, You are the best babysitter ever!"
-I manage to piss off Glen at like 4 am while walking home Tuesday evening, a little drunk. He crosses the street and walks on the opposite side of the street from me. At this point, Cops roll up and ask me how old I am and what I am doing walking alone. I tell them that I am 26 and pissed off the boy who was walking with me because I am an idiot. They go through every single thing I have with my name on it convinced everything is fake because they have decided I am 16. They then ask me if I am homeless. Lesson here kids: Do not piss of boys who are walking you home at 4am.
-I am telling Stuart about this boy I like and the drama that has ensued because of it. He listens to the entire tale of my evening Tuesday. He goes on to tell me he likes working the door because he doesnt have to do anything. He just sits there and girls hit on him. I tell him I want to work the door too, so boys can hit on me. He announces, "No, then people will think you are my girlfriend and it will ruin everything." I roll my eyes and go, "Fine."
-Ginger arrives at the store I work at and encounters Naima on my AIM talking to people and reading the conversations she is having with them out loud. I announce, "Naima is practicing to be my intern! Intern is going to talk to people on AIM for me and drive me around." Ginger goes, "You should make intern guard the truck at night watching your Ipod while you sleep."
-I am wearing a dress working the door at the club, LAST night. Logically, I am collecting money, and storing it on the side of my underwear. Everything is going well until I realize I have just sort of flashed a bus and some old dudes jaw is dropped and does not seem to be closing.
-I tell Ginger that I am going home for a bit because of some family stuff that needs me more than this does. She says, "I just want you to know that I am glad you are in my life and I dont think my life would be the same without you." All of a sudden, I realized this place might be home now.
Best Week Ever: July 28th
"Sarah, she is not an intern if she is just learning to be you."
-Melissa is forcing me to model dresses in Hawaii, but the sun is a little much for photos. I recommend we wait until sunset. Melissa reminds me that sharks come out at night. She adds, "I wouldn't want one to jump out of the water and bite off your arm." I go, "Yeah, because then you would have to maintain my Myspace profile."
-Some shitty song comes on the radio. I really do not notice it is that Nick Lachey song and am sort of just listening to the lyrics. I realize what it is and announce, "Nick Lachey is such a pussy."
-Melissa and I are discussing pregnancy over dinner. I am informing her that I am going to smoke when pregnant. She is trying to talk me out of it. I then remind her that when our moms were pregnant doctors encouraged them to have a glass of wine at night and they did not know smoking was bad. Melissa continues preaching about the dangers of vices to unborn children. I go, "There has got to be a book that tells you what drugs aren't SO bad for your unborn child, a book that's like weed is better than drinking for your baby. Or maybe, if you smoke this many cigarettes a day it wont hurt anybody." Melissa goes, "Sarah, if there was a book like that they would pull it off the shelves." I go, "The bad girls guide to pregnancy." Melissa rolls her eyes.
-Since I am unable to afford an assistant, I have opted to take the cheaper route. I am getting an intern. I tell Melissa she is going to shop with me, return Myspace messages, come out with me at night, grocery shop, and drive me around. Melissa goes, "If she is an intern, she needs to be learning something. Sarah, she is not an intern if she is just learning to be you."
-I am telling Dana about my trip to Hawaii. She says she heard everything is more expensive in Hawaii. I inform her she is correct. She then asks, "Do they get paid more?" I tell her, "I dont know. I didn't get a job while I was there."
-I am in the office at work, when my manager asks me to turn around. I am confused at first until I see him about to open the safe. I go, "You just want to look at my butt."
-One evening this weekend, I am leaving work and trying to meet up with some already drunk friends. First they are in Silverlake, then they are going to Cahuenga, then Silverlake, then a bar on Hollywood. I begin to walk to the car, back towards work, bar to the car, and so on while reading their text messages. What felt like my tenth time on the corner of Hollywood and Vine, a boy standing on the corner goes, "Hey you look really familiar?" I stop, assuming I know him from somewhere. He points at me and says to his friend, "I know where I know her from, the other four times she has walked past us in the past ten minutes."
-Melissa and Will run into Naima at Starbucks one morning. She tells Will, "Thats one of Sarah's high school friends." I tell Melissa Naima is going away to college soon. I tell her that Daryl already left and that Tiana is going in September. I go, "A lot of my friends are going away to college. It makes me sad." I then realize what I just said and remember how old I actually am.
-We arrive at a birthday party for one of my coworkers after the club closed. The boys hosting the party had been celebrating all day and were a little intoxicated when our posse showed up. We are handed condoms by one drunk boy at the door. Ryan and I are looking at our respective condoms. Mine is labeled "Extra Warming." Ryan inquires, "Isn't sex like the hottest thing you could possibly do? I can't imagine you would need to be any warmer." I add, "Maybe it's in case the air conditioning is on."
-I am dressed to go work at the store Monday morning. I am wearing a new white tank, I just bought. The shirt can not possibly be worn with a bra, like most of my shirts. Melissa looks at my boobs, then up at me alarmed. She says, "Let's go ask Will if you should have bought that shirt in red, instead."
-Stuart informs me that everytime I am drunk and he tries to tell me something, I just roll my eyes and go, "I am Sarah Morrison!" I tell him that it seem like an appropriate thing for a drunk person to say. He adds, "It seems like an appropriate thing for a drunk "you" to say."
-My exboyfriend Mike writes me telling me he went to a mutual friend of ours' wedding this weekend. I reply, "Marriage is scary. It's like forever. That's too long."
-I show up at work Sunday evening because it was hot and I needed to get out of the house. Ginger goes, "So why are you here? For your check?" I respond, "That and the air conditioning." I add, "I helped customers at American Apparel this morning for their air conditioning."
-Our marketing genius at work is explaining there is a girl he knows that is interested in working at our club doing security. Like most clubs, our security entourage is entirely male. He starts reading her strange sounding list of credentials which includes; carrying firearms, sharp shooting, court transcriptions, and heavy lifting. I add, "And, eating pussy."
-Kene orders a pepperoni pizza tonight at work. He offers me a piece. I remind him that I don't eat meat. He then goes, "Pepperoni is not meat." He then adds, "I think I am going to make it in to Best week Ever."
Best Week Ever: July 21st
"I want my birthday party to be better than Lindsay Lohan's."
-Melissa inquires whether I bought that Ashanti perfume for her for Christmas. I tell her I did. She then tells me just sprayed it and it reminded her of last winter. She goes, "I didn't think you could have memories from six months ago."
-Melissa informs me she is bringing weed on the trip to Hawaii. I go, "In your bra?" She explains, "Let's just say I am double bagging it."
-We get through security and into the terminal at LAX. Excited, I turn to Melissa and say, "My lighter made it through." She goes, "My vagina made it through."
-Melissa points out that there are kids flying alone on our plane. I explain, "That's what I would do. I would put my kids on a plane and be like "Mommy will see you later." Melissa remarks, "Well, Joe Dirts parents left him at a campsite."
-Melissa is reading some gossip magazine on the plane ride. I am sort of looking at it as she reads. The article that's open is about Lindsay Lohan's birthday party. Since I am in the planning stages of my own birthday party I announce, "I want my birthday party to be better than Lindsay Lohan's" Melissa reads, "It was at the Polaroid Beach House and was sponsored by Restoration Hardware." I go, "That's not fair.
-Bettie is informing me she thinks she is watching too much television, due to the fact she is getting emotional and really identifying with Lindsay Lohan in that "Confessions of a Broken Heart" video.
-I am writing the Ponytales column by the pool the other morning. Melissa is in the hotel pool. I yell, "Is it cold?" She responds, "I dont know. It is really wet."
-We are driving up some mountain on the way to ride horses through some picturesque valley. We are passing fields and cows. Melissa remarks, "I want to be a cow." I tell her she probably does not. She adds, "I want to be a Hawaiian cow."
-There is a dog named Coco that lives at the horse riding place. Melissa goes, "I like the name Coco. I wish Courtney Cox hadnt already used it. Oh, and that Gorilla."
-I had never ridden a horse. After the adventure finished and I am finally standing on the ground, I explain to the girls next to me that my legs feel like they wont go together. I then ask them, "Do I look like a slut?"
-The horse lady who is guiding us through the valley of beautiful Hawaiian beauty tells the group she is from South Dakota. Melissa remarks, "Sarah went to South Dakota." She asks me when I went. I tell her February. She looks confused and goes, "That is not exactly tourist season." I explain, "Yeah, I dont really like tourists."
-Melissa is on the phone explaining to Will that she smuggled Weed in her vagina. He asks her what I brought in mine. Melissa goes, "A bowl." I correct them both, "Actually, a bong."
-We are building a sand castle on the beach today with a four year old. The tide kept rising and starting to hit our castle. We kept adding more and more sand, but the water kept washing it away. Finally, the little girl gets up and announces, "I'm leaving. Bye."
-We are driving in the rental car and are forced to listen to the weird radio stations it has to offer. We have found some sort of entertaining Oldies station. Simon and Garfunkel's "Sounds of Silence" comes on. The line "Take my arms that I might reach you" comes on. Melissa goes, "I have no idea what that last line was, but I swear he says "Take me I am a hairy Jew."
-We are getting in the car today and I instruct Melissa to look at the little girl standing next to the car parked beside us because she looks like the pictures of Melissa when she was little. I go, "Look, it's a little you." She looks at the girl and back at me, confused. She explains, "I figured she would have candy or be wearing my outfit." I add, "Or be smoking Weed." "Exactly," she says.
-I am sitting on the balcony and a bunch of boys come outside of the hotel room next to us. They introduce themselves and start making conversation. I yell inside to Melissa, "There are boys next door!" One of them corrects me, "We are not boys." I yell again, "We have men next door!"
-I am reading my new Ponytales column out loud to Melissa. We get to a story about Jackie Chan getting drunk at a concert in Taiwan and being heckled off stage. I read the entire thing and Melissa announces, "Oh my god, the whole time you were reading this I thought it was about Frankie Chan."
-We are at a Luau tonight. We sit in the middle of two families. One of the dads asks, "So, where are your husbands, golfing?" Melissa started laughing. I simply responded, "Yes, they are golfing."
Best Week Ever: July 14th
"I dont know. I measured myself with a ruler."
-I am telling Melissa that my life is overwhelming me and I can not keep up with everything I need to do. I inform her that I need an assistant. She asks me what exactly I am going to have my assistant do. I list return Myspace messages, call people back, model from time to time, pay my credit cards bills on time, and drive me places. Melissa goes, "I think you need yoga not as assistant."
-The "door guy" at my work is carrying the gates that set up the clubs door down the sidewalk. He says, "I feel like Jesus." Ginger and I tell assure him he looks like Jesus. I then add, "I think Jesus wore a wife beater too."
-A boy I know had been dating this girl for a few weeks. After several disastrous evenings, she was committed to a mental facility. He had been visiting her throughout her stay. I decide to ask him this week how things are going. He responded, "Now instead of crazy sex, I get to play crazy Scrabble."
-I am coerced into entering a Bad Girl Beauty Pageant at Beauty Bar Sunday evening, hosted by Santino of Project Runway fame. I volunteered to participate before I knew there was a talent portion. I enlisted everyone I work with to help me think of some sort of talent I could perform due to the fact I am sort of talentless. No one is particularly helpful. I am getting frustrated as Ginger inquires whether I have come up with anything. I start to yell "No" at her, when she hides behind Sergio and says, "Sarah is yelling at me because she doesnt have any talents."
-Some sort of girl with a microphone and boy with a video camera combination approach me to do an interview before the contest begins. The girl interviewing me inquires, "If you win the 250 dollars, what are you going to do?" To which I reply, "I am going to quit my job! I am never going to have to work again!"
-I get really excited once the Beauty Pageant gets underway. I looked around and realized all my friends had come. I go, "I am so happy. Everyone I care about in the world is here!" Ginger adds, "Except for Kiki."
-I settle on changing my clothes three times on stage, as my talent in Sundays Beauty Pageant. Other than my heels getting caught repeatedly, it went well. After all was said and done and I received my "crown," a boy commended me, "Girls usually take ridiculous amounts of time to change. You blew my mind."
-Ginger tells me Melissa has announced that she will collect ten percent of my Beauty Pageant winnings for being my "stage mom." I then go to Ginger, "She knows this is not EBay, right?"
-I introduce Melissa to Sergio who is the other host at my work. Melissa goes, "Ohhhh this is Sergio. You are sick a lot." He whispers to her, "Well, just hung-over actually." Melissa says, "Thats what I told Sarah!"
-Sergio is asking me if I am excited about my trip to Hawaii on Sunday. I tell him it will be fun once I get there, but I am stressing out about getting everything done before I leave. I am telling him I am going to have to write both my internet columns before I go. I then I ask, "Wait do they have internet in Hawaii?"
-Pat, Kristen, and a few others are in the living room getting ready to go to a bar. Kristen and I are discussing a situation I got myself into that she does not approve of in the kitchen. We begin to enter the living room, sort of loudly. Two of the guests were having some sort of quiet discussion about the Italian language. One goes to the other, "Come sit over here and speak Italian with me." I sit down and go, "Kristen come over here and speak English with me."
-A girl I know comes into the store I work at yesterday. She notices my cold and asks me how I got sick in the summer. I tell her it was from making out with some boy. She asks, "Is he hot?" To which I respond, "I guess not, but I sort of like him." She goes, "Sarah, you are being too deep for me."
-I set up a girl I know to model for Mama Stone Vintage. Melissa asks her to send her measurements. Melissa informs me she has no idea what the girl I did, but her measurements were 18 ½ inch chest, 16 inch waist, and 19 inch hips. Melissa informs me she told the girl to try it again because her current measurements would make her a small Asian boy. I ran into the girl the other night and inquired about the measurement issue. She laughed and goes, "I dont know. I measured myself with a ruler."
-A guy calls my work asking if we had found a phone after Tuesday nights festivities. I look around and find nothing. I get on the phone and tell him its not here and apologize. He says, "It is not your fault. I am the drunk asshole who lost it." I correct him, "You arent an asshole. You were just drunk." He thanks me.
-I arrive at work last night with a smoothie. Stuart asks me what "boost" I got in it. I tell him I got the "girl one." Another one of the gentlemen I work with inquires, "So what does that do? Make you pretty?" To which Stuart adds, "Are you saying Sarah needs a pretty boost? Thats not nice." He corrects, "No, I was just worried she got one. If they had an ugly boost, Sarah should have gotten that one JUST to give the other girls a chance." I am still standing perplexed in the doorway with my drink, listening to the two of them and add, "That was clever!"
-I am walking back from the bar tonight and hear one of the bussers say "I can see your thong." I panic, touch my butt, turn around, and go "No, You cant." He apologized, told me he can't see my underwear, and that he was just singing that "When you shake it I can see your thong" song.
Best Week Ever: July 7th
"How do you know I am not a virgin?"
-I am sitting on the couch at work waiting for the air conditioning to kick in so I can accomplish something. A girl who works with me is walking by and stops directly in front of me and asks, "Did Sarah get a boob job?" I grab the little bit of boob I have and reply, "It is just an accentuating top."
-Two girls I work with are discussing the abundance of Mexicans that live in the Los Angeles area. One of the girls goes, "California must have been filled with Mexicans before it was even California." The other girl responds, "Yeah, like when it was Mexico."
-Sergio is informing me that one of the wait staff showed up with their significant other the previous evening. I ask him what the girl looked like. He goes, "A school teacher, wait no a Sub."
-One evening this week, I encounter Pat and his dog enjoying a movie in the living room. Upon further inspection, I realize Pat is watching Brokeback Mountain with his dog in the living room. I tell him, "It does not get much gayer than this!"
-Ginger encounters me wetting paper towels in the bathroom and inquires what I am doing. I tell her this is my high-tech way of cleaning the menus. She goes, "You know high-tech is just a fancy way to say breaks easily." I go, "Luckily, I cant really break the menus."
-I receive a phone call Saturday evening at work. The (I am presuming drunk) girl goes, "Hi, I am just wondering if I can into your club with my fake, oh my god not fake, I mean expired ID." I tell her, "No." She goes, "But it just expired." I reply, "I am sure it just did and still No."
-Ginger and I are at a bar this weekend. We go outside to smoke. The line to get in has grown to Disneyland proportions. A gentleman in said line goes to us, "Are all these people smoking or in line?" I go, "They are in line, but give them all cigarettes and they'll be smoking!"
-Frank is telling us how one of his friends is getting girls at alarming rates. Ginger and I are inquiring what exactly it is about said boy that makes him so irresistible. Frank says it is his eyes. He then adds, "It is like there are thunderstorms in his eyes." We become alarmed at the thunderstorm reference and begin to get uncomfortable. Frank says to me, "Well, I am sure you could tell me why guys like Melissa. When you are friends with someone you notice that stuff." I respond, "Um, I would just say it is because she is pretty. No thunderstorms."
-I get a soda at the San Diego zoo, Sunday afternoon. I ask if I could get a lid for my drink. The gentleman ringing me up says, "We do not permit lids or straws at the zoo. We lost a Hippo to a straw last year."
-The San Diego zoo is sort of a letdown. A lot of exhibits have signs that read "Animals temporarily off exhibit." Jason I assume they had gone away for the Fourth of July.
-The zoo cost 22 dollars Sunday. I did my math and due to the lack of actual animals present, each animal we saw cost us approximately 4.50.
-Jason is talking about wanting to go to one of the outdoor movie screenings they hold weekly in an area cemetery. I tell him I dont want to because all they show are old "Nick-at-Nite" movies.
-We celebrate America's birthday at Gingers. She and her roommate are discussing how they enjoy their condo complex. They are pointing to a park type area they have access to. I go, "But, you guys dont have a pool." Ginger adds, "We have a bathtub." I go, "So do I?"
-We are watching the fireworks at Ginger's Tuesday. John realizes he left his dogs home alone and the animals may be freaking out do to the sound of the fireworks. He calls a neighbor to check on the dogs and see if they are barking uncontrollably. The neighbor informs John, "Yes, the dogs are barking. I think they like it!"
-I drink too much on the Fourth of July. I am on my way to meet up with some boy I know at 3am. I keep insisting I need to go to Cahuenga and Vine. My designated driver who was not doing shots at the bar is explaining to me, "Sarah that is not a choice. Those streets are parallel to one another. You will remember that tomorrow. I am leaving you at Fountain and Cahuenga." He was right.
-Some guy comes in to my work last night at 7pm looking to party. He goes, "Do you have any girls dancing here?" I inform him, "It is 7pm, so no. But, we did have girls dancing here last night and they were topless." He inquires, "Were you topless?" I tell him I was not. He asks if he can talk to my manger and tell them he would like to see me topless. I go, "Um that is just weird. Try one of the bars on Cahuenga."
-Some sort of mystery box arrives at work. We open it and unveil a case of grapefruit citrus something or rather energy vitamin drink. I go, "Oh that sounds sort of yummy." The boy opening the box says, "Actually thats their slogan, Sarah. It says "Sort of yummy" right on the can."
-I go to see the Devil Wears Prada. I put my phone on silent, but am obviously still checking it every half hour. I get an aim message from a name I do not recognize that reads, "Stop checking your phone." I start looking around the theater afraid I am being stalked. I respond to the message, "Is this god?"
-I am in the ladies room at the club I work at. I am washing my hands when I see a guy comes out of one of the stalls. I go, "Um you are not a girl. You are not supposed to be in here." He goes, "Eh I dont have anything you ladies have not seen before. I respond, "How do you know I am not a virgin?" He says, "I just know."
Best Week Ever: June 30th
"It feels like Boston out."
-Sergio, my host counterpart at work is complaining about his "love handles." So I pull up my dress and grab my sides to show him my love handles to make him feel better. At this very moment, one of the promoters walks by and announces, "This is the coolest thing I have ever seen happen at this place."
-I am complaining about the fact we have a fashion show at work and there are a bunch of models taking up the space I would like to use for customers. Ginger then announces, "Sarah is a model." I correct her, "Sarah is not a model. Sarah lets Melissa take pictures of her in the driveway."
-Pat wanders into the living room half asleep with the dog. He is trying to get her to go outside and pee. She is not going. So he says, "I will pee with you!" Both he and the dog head into the front yard. I stop what I am doing and sort of watch the door for a minute. They return a few minutes later. Pat says he did not "really pee." I don't believe him.
-I am forced to model for Ms. Mama Stone Vintage on Sunday. It is hot and humid. I can not even pretend I am not miserable. I suggest we do some photos sitting, which Melissa does not really agree with. I announce from the ground, "It feels like Boston out."
-I witness two former coworkers reunite and begin to reminisce about their former place of employment, Applebees. One begins to discuss some sort of scandalous story that involves a waitress being fired for passing around camera phone pictures of a male employees dick. At this point I go, "Wait she got fired? It wasnt even her dick." The gentleman telling the story goes, "Well, she sort of looked like it could have been hers."
-I am complaining to David about how my nails are always so dirty. I go, "Maybe I should wear gloves." He sort of nods, Then I go, "Or maybe I should just shower more?"
-Melissa is supposed to go to Boston Monday. Her flight and most East Coast bound flights are delayed and cancelled. She finally gets on a 10pm flight. She opts to return home for a brief vacation from her day at the airport and making phone calls to complain about her day at the airport. She is sitting in her room insisting on the phone that she wants a window seat. I go, "Who are you on the phone with now, an airplane?"
-Ginger informs me Stuart said I was being "very graphic" the previous night. I tell her, "Yeah um Stuart told me he did not know what sex was. So I told him its like stuffing a turkey. I then asked him if he had ever stuffed a turkey?"
-I am purchasing a box of Tampons, hot sauce, Sweet and Low, and three bottles of water at 7-11 the other night. I have no idea how strange my purchases look until I realize the guy behind me in line is sort of laughing. So they ring up my items and ask if I would like a bag. I go, "Yes, I would because I am buying a bunch of really weird stuff that for the record is not being used all at once." I turn and smile at the guy behind me in line.
-I receive a voicemail message from an insurance company referencing the kid who hit my truck on the way to Bingo a week or two back. The message asks me to call them because they need a statement from me regarding the accident. I call them back and leave a message that says, "Hi this is Sarah Morrison. I am calling you guys back regarding the kid with the Hyundai who rear-ended my truck going like thirty miles an hour. I guess you guys want a statement from me. (I pause and realize what i just said) I guess this will probably do as a "statement." They never called back.
-At work one night, some boy asks me and Sergio if we have any gum. We do not. He then asks us where he can get some. We suggest a place right around the corner. He thanks us. As he begins to walk away I say, "Hide it when you come back in because gum is not allowed inside." Sergio is confused and did not know this fact. I add, "Before I worked here I would come to the club and they would search our purses for gum. The first time, I thought they told me they were looking for "guns."
-I run into a boy from Boston. He cut all his hair off. When I inquire why he chose to do so, he announces, "I didnt like my shadow." I sort of nod like it makes sense.
-A girl at my work has really pretty long straight blonde hair. I am touching her hair last night, again. I tell her, "I feel like every time you turn around I am stroking your hair." She laughs. I go, "You are like Barbie when you first take her out of the package, before her hair gets all tangley. Your's never gets tangley. You are better than Barbie."
-Some of the girls I work with and me are on the radio last night PRing my place of employment. I swear accidentally. When I get back to work, one of the club's owners begins asking me how everything went. I ask him, "Say I swore on the radio would you fire me?" He goes, "Sarah, I can not fire you for swearing on the radio." I pretend to know that.
-So during our stint "on air" last night, another one of the clubs owner's is being asked about her kids. They ask her what her childrens' names are. She reveals her creatively named kids' identities. The gentleman interviewing us goes, "How did you come up with those names?" She shrugs and goes, "I dont know. I think I was high."
-My best friend is moving away. I am discussing the situation with a girl I know last night. After I tell her the whole story, I announce, "This is the first time I have discussed this with out crying. Ask Ginger."
-I arrive home and see a bunch of wood, power tools, and general disarray in the backyard. I am on the phone with Ginger at the time and tell her I think Pat is building something. She gets excited and says, "I hope it is a time machine!" I exclaim, "I hope it is a tree house!"
-Jason calls the other day, while I am watching Oprah. I tell him the girl from Family Matters is on discussing how she became a porn star. He asks me which girl it is. I explain, "Not the one Urkel liked, but the other one." He goes, "I wish Urkel had gone into porn." I add, "Me too."
-David owes me money and tries to give me some sum of his balance each week. As he hands me a bunch of quarters, I say, "Next time pay me in pennies." He points at me and goes, "I can do that Sarah!"
Best Week Ever: June 23rd
"Sorry doesnt really mean sorry. Presents mean sorry."
-I introduce my exboyfriend Mike to a bunch of boys I know, at a party last weekend, where Mike was promoting his bio-diesel company. I say to the boys, "This is Mike. He is famous." One of them responds, "What are you famous for?" Mike replies, "Having sex with Sarah Morrison."
-Mike is telling me how he had gone swimming somewhere in Orange County. He goes on to tell me he found this giant tadpole in the water. One of the girls with him started freaking out because it looked like a giant sperm. I go, "You know those alfalfa sprouts? I think those look like giant sperm.They should not be food."
-I inform my dad I will not be buying him anything for Father's Day because he does not care. Therefore, it is a waste of my time and money. He agrees with this sentiment and tells me, "The fact I still pay your parking tickets is enough."
-I am telling Ginger how proud I am that I have spent hours searching through my friend list to create a Myspace "Top 24." I tell her that I feel so much better because I had bumped a lot of my actual friends off for companies and what not. Finally, things finally feel right. She goes, "Sarah haven't you seen behind the music? When you bump people for companies, it's called "selling out." Good thing you are a writer and not a musician. If you were thats where the dark music would fade in and they would cut to commercial."
-I am at Ben's in Orange County, one night this week. A boy, Pete I know from Boston is there, but is on his way to the airport. I ask him where he is going. He tells me he is going to Taiwan. Before I get to inquire about anything else, he states, "Don't worry I will still read your blog."
-Suitcase in hand, Pete begins to tell me a story. He says, "Along time ago, I was at one of your parties in Boston. I fell asleep on the couch with hipster guys doing coke all around me. I woke up the next morning and my pants were gone." I look at him alarmed, "You found them, right?" He shakes his head "No." I ask, "So what did you do?" Pete goes, "I walked home in my boxers. They were sort of long, so they kind of looked like shorts."
-Ginger buys a wonderful present for some of her friends and is trying to keep it a surprise. I tell her that I want a present too. She tells me not to worry because she has a great idea for my birthday. I go, "Is it a Bar mitzvah?" She didnt say it wasn't.
-I am working at David's store, one day this week. David shows up for "reason unknown." A gentleman is trying on a pair of leather pants and decides he is going to purchase them. I head towards the counter expecting to ring him up. David stops me and informs me he is trading them for "a bunch of Mushrooms and some E." I sum the event up, "You are trading them for drugs?" He goes, "Yeah, put that on the receipt."
-David and I are sitting outside the shop. A car driving by and yells, "Oh my god, its Sarah Morrison from the internet!" I wave and yell back, "Thanks for the add!" David is shocked and asks, "Woah, who was that?" I roll my eyes and go, "Pat Masterson."
-Ben began his stint in Orange County staying with a friend of his "until he found a place." He has instead chosen to continue staying there, indefinitely. Ben and I are discussing the freedom that comes with not living "anywhere." He goes, "The only thing that makes me feel like I live here is my two magazines subscriptions."
-I put in a time off request at work in writing for my trip to Hawaii, next month. Ginger remarks that I sign all time off requests with a heart and that this may classify as "workplace sexual harassment."
-A gentleman socializing with Ginger and I one evening, informs us that they have banned smoking on beaches. We all discuss the injustice of this. We then try to figure out the rational in all of it. I simply state, "It because babies crawl in the sand. They eat the cigarette butts. Then they die."
-Jason decides he wants Jack in the Box last night. We pull up to the drive thru. He turns to me, and asks if I want anything. I go, "Cigarettes." He places his food order and adds "and a pack of cigarettes."
-I am telling Ginger that I am mad at Chase. I tell her, "He said sorry. Sorry doesnt really mean sorry. Presents mean sorry."
Best Week Ever: June 16th
"They aren't black, so people don't really think they are trash bags."
-I accost a girl "out" the other night, to see if she wants to model for Mama Stone Vintage. I am telling Melissa the girl seems to be excited about it. I also inform her that Ginger keeps telling me the girl is 17. Melissa seems a little alarmed of her age. I reassure her, "Who cares? It is not like we are doing porn here."
-Melissa is looking into fancy Boston area restaurants to take Will to, when the two of them vacation on the East Coast later in the month. She is telling him she found a place with 45 dollar stuffed lobsters. I go, "That is more than I pay to live here."
-Pat, Melissa, and I all find ourselves in the kitchen one evening this week. Melissa announces, "This is like Three's Company. She then adds, "I don't want to be Janet."
-Melissa plugs in one too many devices and the power goes out in half the house. She bitches and complains for a minute, then opts to go find the circuit breaker. She announces that she is turning everything off and back on. She then goes, "Everyone ready?" Both Pat and I respond that we are. She then adds, "Sarah you don't count."
-Ginger tells me she has a piece of glass stuck in her foot. She then goes on to inform me it "kills" and it has been there for a while. I tell her to get it out. She informs me she has tried and given up. I tell her to try again or she will have to her foot amputated. She looks at me horrified. I reiterate, "Gangrene, then they cut your foot off." She goes, "But then I won't be able to wear shoes!"
-Some person with too much time on her hands finds my nipples through some dress Melissa has me modeling on Ebay. Ebay take the dress down and informs Melissa she can re-list the item under the "Mature Audience" category.
-Melissa and I are discussing an obligation I have, which I have enlisted her to be a part of. She says, "Well, if I couldn't have done it, you could have had Dana pretend to be me. She would just sit there and wave her hands in the air and go, "I'm Melissa. I like Vintage dresses and weed, the whole day." No one would have known.
-We are cleaning up our mountain of clothes at the end of the flea market, Sunday. Melissa is handing me those industrial sized blue clear trash bags to put clothes in. She goes, "I feel ok about using these trash bags. They aren't black, so people don't really think they are trash bags."
-I inform David that a girl, who has been known to periodically work at his store, came in and took 20 dollars out of the drawer for "gas money." I couldn't really stop her. In my defense, I tell him, "I felt like it was a hold-up."
-I arrive at work Sunday night and learn we are hosting a Bar mitzvah, and probably coolest party I will ever even sort of attend. The bartender takes it upon himself to start calling Shirley Temples "Jessica Simpsons." He says it's "so we all know what we are talking about."
-I am walking to my car, after my evening at the Bar mitzvah. I am still wearing several glowing necklaces both in my hair and as belts. I encounter some guy who stops me to ask for directions. It turns out he just wants to tell me how important he is in Hollywood. He goes on and on and I fake listen for five minutes or so. He then inquires about the glowing accessories. I inform him I am coming from a Bar mitzvah. He then says, "See in my business, I network with all sorts of people. I know a lot of Asians, an Indian guy, and you are Jewish. I realize what he just said and reply, "I am not Jewish." He tells me I told him I was coming from my Bar mitzvah. I laugh and go, "Um, that would make me 12."
-Mike is in town. Mike was the love of my life in high school and a little of college. I agree to meet him at a bar. He calls to say he is going to be a few minutes late. I encourage him to hurry, due to the fact that guys are eyeing me sitting alone at the bar. He agrees to do his best. After fifteen minutes alone, Mike walks in, sits down next to me. The bartender comes over at the exact same second. He puts a shot of tequila in front of me and goes "This is from those guys over there." He puts down a beer in front of me and says, "And, this is from those guys over there." The bartender then says, "This is probably the best thing I have ever seen happen at this bar. Thank you." Mike is still at a loss for words from the whole event, so I hand him the beer and go "Enjoy!"
-Ginger is supposed to meet Mike and me out the other evening. She says she is waiting for a cab. An hour goes by; she says the cab still has not come. She ends up finding a ride instead. After she arrives at the bar, the cab(s) she had been waiting for finally call. She remarks, "Taxi cabs are just like dudes. They only call you when you don't need them anymore."
-Some guy rear-ends me today in a Hyundai Accent, while I am completely stopped. The front of his car was totally a mess, while nothing but a minor dent was visible on the bumper of my truck. We are discussing the situation, when some dude comes out of the building we are in front of. He hands me his card. He informs me he saw everything and I can call him if I need a witness. He then asks if I do any modeling or acting because he can get me some gigs.
-Melissa asks me if I can ask the gentleman who just hit our car if he has any snacks. Luckily, he is standing next to her window and is able to hear her. He offers her gum. She declines.
-I found a bra this week. I wore it to the Vivid-Alt Rock and Roll Bingo night we attended tonight. Melissa remarks, "For the first time ever, I can say you are the only girl here wearing a bra."
-Melissa, Dana, Ginger and I end up standing in a semi-circle this evening. I introduce Ginger to Dana. I then realize all three of them are my friends, but they are not really friends with one another. Melissa announces, "This is how Sex and the City started." Dana says that makes me Carrie. She gets to be Samantha, Melissa is Miranda. Ginger gets upset, "I cant be Charlotte!" We agree with her and give up. I go, "I just like that I am Carrie."
-Tomorrow is Dana's birthday. So, I gave her my present tonight. She thanks me, hugs me and says, "But, I didnt get you anything?" Melissa reminds her "It is not Sarah's birthday."
Best Week Ever: June 9th
"I think my mom just rolled her eyes and called me white trash, again."
-We are informed at work we are being given performance reviews. I reminisce about when I had "real jobs" and had to give reviews out to the kids who worked for me. I inform both my manager and host counterpart that I made a couple kids who worked for me cry, I then realized I said "real jobs."
-Ginger gives me half of her Macaroni and Cheese one evening. After eating it, I ask her if it had meat in it. She looks at me like I am an idiot and goes, "Meat?" I tell it tastes like bacon. She explains its some sort of fancy smoked cheese. I nod, "Oh, this happened once at my parents house. My mom had cheese and crackers out. I ate some cheese and spit it out and yelled, "Is this bacon cheese?" I think my mom just rolled her eyes and called me white trash, again."
-We have a party Saturday evening. Well, Pat texts me at work to tell me he is having a party. It appears to be some girls birthday because there is a melting ice cream cake on the table. A lovely boy I know from Boston is staring at the cake and announces, "If I was on acid, I would stand here and watch this thing melt all night."
-Another boy from Boston approaches me at the party. He informs me earlier in the day, he was discussing the first time we met at some party approximately a hundred years ago. It was at this house that eventually burned down, where he slept in the basement with three other boys I know. I announce, "The thing I miss so much about Boston is how it was cool to be poor." He smiles and agrees.
-Some dude calls my work asking what the dress code is. I go through the rundown of what he can not wear. He seems to be listening. He asks if he should wear a shirt. I suggest a shirt is probably a good idea. He fumbles around trying to explain that he means a button down shirt. I inform him that the choice is up to him. He then asks, "Should I wear shoes?" I answer, "Yes." He goes on to inquire if he should wear boots. I finally inform him, "I don't really care what you wear, just wear shoes."
-We are out to brunch one afternoon. I start to ask our waitress if she would judge me if I ordered dessert as my meal, when I am interrupted. Dana turns to me, informs me to be quiet, and says that she does this a lot. At this point, she addresses our waitress, "Sarah just came from a eating a large breakfast. She is just joining us for dessert. So she will be having ice cream." Dana places my order for me, smiles, hands the waitress the menu, and thanks her.
-I remark that I love the restaurant we have chosen, not just for their desserts, but for the fact they have crushed ice. Between the three of us, we have at least seven half full cups of water and keep requesting more crushed ice. As Dana asks the waitress for ice refills, she wonders if she should instead be asking for water to seem a little less strange. I inform her, its no big deal it is like we are drinking "water slushies."
-We are calling out an employee who printed quite a few promotional items with "dessert" misspelled as "desert." He informs us his spelling is not in fact incorrect, and that the word in question is spelled with one "s" in the Midwest. We attempt to disagree. He interjects, "I am older than you. It was a long time ago." I go, "I thought when you were young there werent vowels yet? Didn't they only use consonants?"
-I am purchasing some item at my local Radio Shack the other day. As the teenage sales boy is ringing me up, that Natasha Bedingfield song "Unwritten" comes on. I go, "I really like this song." The boy checking me out ignores me. So I ask him if he likes the song. He shakes his head, inferring he does not. I continue, "Maybe its because I am a girl. Do you think maybe only girls like this song?" He hands me my bag and goes, "Probably."
-I am standing in line at the ATM. I hear, "Oh my god, I love your outfit." I see what might appear as a run of the mill thugged out teenage boy, but ends up being an adorable gay boy with an affinity for really well put together Rocca Wear ensembles. He asks me, "Does it mean more when a gay guy tells you he likes your outfit?" I tell him, "It does, but I feel like you can see through me and know that I changed my shoes three times before I picked these ones."
-I am having what was supposed to be dinner with a gentleman I know, but due to my arrival time is actually conversation and a table full of leftovers. He is informing me that a lady friend from his past is trying to get back in touch with him. He is discussing his lack of desire to see her at any point, ever. He states, "I do not want to be in the same city as her." I inquire, "So I am guessing you probably dont want to be inside her vagina?"
-I decide to go shopping the other day. I feel defeated because I have not purchased anything when I arrive at Urban Outfitters. I try and try stuff on, looking for something to buy to satisfy my shopping urge. I end with a pile of god knows what. I stand and stand in line. After five minutes, I get a little annoyed and put everything down on the counter and leave. When I arrive at work I begin to tell the story of my unsuccessful day of shopping and state, "You do not ever really need anything at Urban Outfitters." Everyone agrees.
-Some boy writes me a Myspace message and asks me to give him my thoughts on "something." I tell him I need a topic. He gives me "Overseas markets." So I go, "Diesel jeans are like the price of Gap jeans over there. That, my friend is bullshit."
-We have some event at work with lots of technology and whatnot. I am asked if my "coat check" can turn into a "laptop check" by one of the women putting on the event. One of the girls who works with me is confused by the request and looks at me and says, "Well, we cant really hang laptops, right?"
-I am bending over retrieving laptops off the floor during my make-shift "laptop check." The guy whose bag I am retrieving reminds me that I have a big heart tattooed on my back. I agree with his observation. He goes, "It must mean you have a really big heart." I shrug, "Sure, a really big BLACK heart."
-David asks me what kind of jeans I am wearing. I am unsure and start to look at my butt. He inquires, "Are those Habitat for Humanity?" I go, "Um, they build houses for poor people."
-I pass my work "performance review" with flying colors. There is some sort of question regarding if the employee complains about work related tasks and I receive the response, "Sarah complains, but not about work."
Best Week Ever: June 2nd
"Sarah Morrison is a bitch."
-In response to last weeks accusation that I was unwanted at my place of employment, due to some computer issues, Ginger responds, "The computer really was fucked up. if I didn't want to keep you, I would have installed a host(ess) dress code."
-Leaving the bar Saturday evening, Ginger informs me she has to pee. She then goes into how its oh so easy for guys to just pee where they want. She complains about the difficulty girls have with peeing in public. She states, "It would be easy if there were no such thing as jeans or shoes or feet."
-I have a moment of "thanks" this week. I text message Chase, who is vacationing in Miami, "Thanks for being a friend." I inform him I think its a tv show theme song as well. He tells me it's Golden girls. This seems appropriate.
-I receive a Myspace message this week from some boy wondering if I travel along some "LA, Austin, Boston axis." I inform him the axis has some great truck stops.
-Jason inquires what we are doing, one night this week. I start to tell him Melissa and I are watching television and ordering takeout. He tells me he pictures us having pillow fights in our underwear and asks me not to ruin it for him.
-At the bar one evening, some British dude taps me on the shoulder and goes, "Your buds are hanging out?" I go, "My butt?" He repeats, "Your buds." I look at my boobs and he points to my purse, where I see my headphones hanging out. He repeats, "Buds." I nod and thank him.
-I am inquiring what exactly we are celebrating on Memorial day, Monday. Pat informs me that it is simply memories. Melissa is unsure. Dana arrives and I ask her what Memorial Day is for. Dana says, "It is for memorizing."
-We decide to go out to lunch. Melissa suggests we walk to counteract the food we are going to consume. We arrive at the restaurant. Dana is still complaining about how hot she is. The waiter arrives and asks if we are ready to order. I sort of miss when Dana asks if he could suggest something "cold." He is going through the menu listing things like salad and granola, when I realize what is going on. I interject, "Wait, is he suggesting things that are cold for you to order off the menu?" Dana looks at the waiter and tells him, "Sarah Morrison is a bitch."
-My laptop breaks today. My laptop actually broke last night after I spilled something on it. Its state has improved and the only letter key still unable to work is "I." I thought about using it to type this and just spelling out "eye" each time the letter appears, then opted not to.
-I run out of gas today with Kiki covered in fleas and a laptop that needs repair. Melissa comes and gets Kiki. I am left to sit by the side of the road to wait for AAA. When the AAA dude arrives, he informs me how dangerous it is to run out of gas. I inform him how expensive gas it. He does not care. He tells me, "I have seen people die from running out of gas." I go, "I learned my lesson." He continues, "You could have died." I go, "Probably next time."
-I return to pick Kiki up from her hundred dollar flea bath at the vets today. I am handed a soaking wet cat. Unclear what exactly happened with the two hours and hundred dollars besides a bunch of water, I take her anyways. When I am walking out the door, the vet slips me a twenty dollar bill saying he apologizes for my wet pet and hopes I return. Confused, I take the twenty and promise i would come back next time she looks dry.
-Act Like You Know has gone on vacation. You will have to watch the news yourselves for a while. It will return in a month or so with some new packaging, a tan, and a really cute bikini. So stay tuned for updates. Thanks to Supercult and thanks to everybody for reading.
Best Week Ever: May 26th
"Happy McMorial Day and have a great Kentucky Fried Christmas!"
-I am working the door at our club during some screening. Two girls who interned on the film are accompanying me. Some guy identifies himself as a writer for "In Touch." Once he heads in to the event, the two girls start giggling and freaking out. I inquire what about. One of the girls explains that the other wants to be a writer and that guy that walked in writes for "In Touch Weekly." I respond, "You guys know that's not a real magazine, right?"
-Sergio my host-counterpart inquires if I will be able to take some of his shifts do to an additional job he has taken on at a restaurant on Colorado in Pasadena. I ask him where it is. He gives me the cross street. I go, "Sergio, you are talking to me. I dont know cross streets. Just tell me what store it's near." He tells me it's across from Tiffany.
-At Starbucks, the guy working whispers to me and Melissa that one of the guys in line was in Swimfan. Less than discreetly, we both turn around, look at him, and agree. He goes on to tell us that lots of celebrities come in. I go, "Oh, like us!" He tells Melissa and I we are a different kind of celebrity. I inform him that "Melissa and Sarah" are just our coffee names.
-Some girl calls my work inquiring whether we found her purse the night prior. I am actually surprised that we did have the bag and everything was still in it. She is freaking out on the phone. She tells me she doesn't want to come down and get it because she looks like shit and has been crying all day because she thought she lost the bag forever. I respond, "Don't worry my landlord is not giving me back my security deposit and this boy never paid me rent. Well, whatever I have been crying all day too. And, I work here." She tells me it made her feel better. She arrived shortly after to retrieve her purse.
-We host a benefit one evening at work to "end hunger." I personally enjoy telling guests when they inquire about ordering food that "our kitchen is closed."
-Walking home one afternoon, I am being hit on by some dudes out of the window of a moving car. Melissa inquires, "Do you think people would assume you were a hooker, if I was not walking with you?" She adds, "Well, I guess you have a purse and you are wearing jewelry. A hooker probably wouldn't."
-Ginger, my manager is showing a new busser how to clock in and out using the computer. He asks her why he has not had to use this until now. I overhear her explaining how she waits to put people in the system until she really knows she wants to keep them. Appalled, I storm over to where they are standing and go, "It took like months for me to get in the computer." She is waving her hands and explaining, "No, Sarah that was a computer thing. The computer was all fucked up. Seriously." I mumble "right" and walk away.
-I am on a date this week. My date tells me he wishes there was a way to get to know each other better without awkward conversation. I suggest we sit at computers, answer internet surveys, then exchange computers, and read one another's.
-I am verbally assisting Ginger get over some guy she is into. I tell her there is probably something horrible about him that she has yet to discover. I suggest that he may shower too much or sleep too late. She looks at me and says, "That sounds like me." I go on to suggest that he might talk too much about records. She goes, "I do too." So I try, "Maybe he sleeps with socks on?" She shakes her head, "Nope, no socks." I shrug and give up.
-Melissa informs me in the car this morning, she really likes the word "telephone." She tells me she likes how it sounds. She goes on to mention that she may name one of her children after this lovely sounding word and communication device. I add, "Good, you can call him Cell for short." She adds, "Or, Telly."
-Before setting up the chairs, I ask a passing by employee at work whether the front bar is open. He inquires, "Why? You want a drink?" With a barstool in my hand I say, "Yes, I just want a drink."
-Christian shows up at my work Monday night. He tells me he wants to see one of the bands playing, which I find strange. Luckily, Christian watched the season finale of 24 and is able to give me the entire rundown from beginning to end. After a few drinks he tells me, "I actually just knew you missed 24 and wanted to come and tell you what happened."
-We end up at a shop called the Neglected Children's Thrift Store. Upon entering the store, we hear a screaming baby. Melissa announces, "I hear a neglected child!"
-I see the Da Vinci Code this week. It is not good. My date and I are walking out of the theater and he attempts to see the films merits and says, "Well, at least they actually went to the places in the book." I add, "Sure, at least they did not go to like um the Glendale Galleria."
-Melissa wonders if someday holidays will be sponsored by corporations. She references how the Boston Garden became the Fleet Center. She says, "What if someday we get excited about McMorial Day and Kentucky Fried Christmas?"
Best Week Ever: May 19th
"No, you can not have Sarah's share of the money. I have known her way longer."
-One evening at work, we are overwhelmed by customers in wheelchairs. There are three currently in the lounge area. The AV guy comes over and tells us that we are at the "wheelchair capacity" for the club and have to turn away any other patrons who arrive in wheelchairs. We stare blankly at him. He then goes on to inform us that individuals in wheelchairs are equivalent to three customers without wheelchairs. He walks away and returns seconds later to inform us he is kidding. I sort of nod, pretending I knew.
-Kristen has moved to New York. She has a new Myspace photo of her and her "New York friends" eating at some restaurant. When examining the photo, I realize that it's just her and three other girls from Boston, in New York. I tell her that I would like to see one thing in the photo proving they are not, in fact, in Boston. Kristen replies, "We are smiling."
-Dana DeArmond informs us this week of her new boyfriend and new found happiness. Upset by the lack of well wishes from anyone other than me, Dana states, "Once again, Sarah Morrison is the only person in the world that really gives a shit about me and my life."
-Melissa makes her will (high) on Saturday afternoon. She informs us that her money should be split four ways. A quarter of it goes to her parents to pay them back for those times she did not have rent money, a 1/4 to her sister for weed, a quarter to Will for his music career, and the last 1/4 is for me to start my magazine. Will is in the bathroom and shouts, "Can I have a Motrin?" She doesn't hear him and asks what he wants. I tell her that Will said he wants my share of the money. She yells, "No, you can not have Sarah's share of the money. I have known her way longer."
-Google comes out with a downloadable version for your phone. I accuse Chase of leaking my "Pocket Googler" invention idea. He responds, "I've never mentioned the Pocket Googler once, since that conversation that went: "They already have a Pocket Googler. It's called the Sidekick."
-A "reader" informs me he likes Best Week Ever better than Act Like You Know. He says "You're life is way more interesting and funnier than politicians and celebrities."
-Melissa opens her newly purchased Snapple, at a convenience store the other evening. She reads the cap out loud, "The first ballpoint pen was made in 1945 and cost 12 dollars." We begin to discuss the fact with the cashier. I go, "I should have just bought Snapples instead of going to college. I would have saved my dad a lot of money."
-Will plays a show at the Silverlake Lounge Tuesday night. I am singing along and enjoying the show when Will forgets the words, and I am still singing. Melissa yells, "Why don't we have Sarah come up there and help you?"
-So, I am homeless again. I am signing the paperwork at my newest storage facility. The lady is running off some sort of list of things I can not store in the unit, while I am signing a stack of paperwork. I hear guns, bombs, explosives, and then children. I look up and inquire if she just said children. She shakes her head, "You can not store children OR animals in out units." I look back down at my paperwork and go, "Oh, ok."
-Ginger meets some dream boy on vacation. When I ask what he does for a living, she tells me he blows glass. I go, "That shit takes years off your life. You better get on this before he is dead." She then disappeared for a while to Google it.
-My landlord calls to ask me out, again. This time, he thinks I should go to Vegas with him for the weekend. I decline. He tells me he thinks I have anger towards men. I tell him I hate Vegas.
-I receive a Myspace comment this week that reads "Dude your like the Indie Rock Tila Tequila."
-Once Will's set is complete, he says his "thank yous" and starts to leave the stage. Melissa and Victoria together brilliantly announce, "Up next will be Sarah Morrison, covering Brothers and Sisters music in both song and interpretive dance."
-Rob, of Reviewer Mag wrote in his blog, "Yesterday I read somewhere on the internet, or maybe it was in the bulldog edition of the local paper (but I doubt it), that "Mothers always love their children more than fathers because they're more certain that they are their own." He is informed he actually read it in "Sarah Morrison's blog."
-I tell Brooke that I have a date this week. I say, "He is really cute and nice. The only thing is he seems like he has ADD." She goes, "You guys will be perfect for each other."
Best Week Ever: May 12th
"Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain that they are their own."-Aristotle"
-My manager at work is talking to one of the Mexican bussers. I overhear him say, "I need you to clean the screening room con Travis." I laugh. He explains, "Sarah, what you just witnessed was two adults trying to communicate in one another's languages."
-I receive an email from Chase yesterday that read, "Where is Newark?"
-I walk in on Melissa and her computer screen open to the 1-800 Flowers page. I inquire if she is ordering Mothers Day flowers. She goes, "Yeah, but they are all really ugly. The funeral ones were way better."
-I am reading some article on Bush and the CIA leaking fiasco and say, "What is Valerie Plame going to do now? Just go get a temp job?" Melissa responds, "It's like when those MTV reality stars have to go get jobs and everyone knows about their drinking problem."
-Erik informs me that he finally mailed the money he owed me for rent. This was two weeks ago. Shockingly, nothing ever arrives. I am complaining to my mother about this. She says, "You are never going to get that money." I respond, "And he will never get to have sex with me again."
-I meet some boy who is a friend of David, who runs the vintage store I work at periodically. The boy asks me where I am from. I tell him that I am from Boston. He goes, "Oh, thats why you dont annoy me."
-Melissa screams from her bedroom, to me in the livingroom, "I just found a pair of your underwear in my bed." One of the neighbors walks by her open window at that very moment and yells, "Excellent!"
-Later on that day I remark to Melissa (regarding the panties), "Its not like I was stripping in your bed. They were probably just on top of your bed and got lost somehow." Melissa says, "Oh, I know." I have a flash and start to go, "Wait...ohhh" I realize she has already left the room, so I stop.
-I send my mom a bouquet of flowers for Mother's Day. On the card I put the quote, "Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain that they are their own."-Aristotle. My mom thought it was funny. Apparently, it pissed off my dad.
-I arrive at work yesterday at four with little to do, until seven. One of the girls who works in the office looks around, then suggests I wipe down the walls with a wet rag. Stuart starts laughing and adds, "And, once you finish if you could do the ceilings? That would be great."
-A boy I work with comes in last night amazingly still hungover from the night before. He sits down next to me, and puts his head on the table. I inquire, "You were hungover last time I saw you? Is excessive drinking like your new thing?" He tells me it was his friend's birthday the night prior. I add, "Oh so it's not your fault. It's your friends fault for being born." He sits up and goes, "Exactly."
-Supercult.com's Annie is in charge of putting up my column. She writes me an email telling me she will put it up Saturday afternoon. She has been watching her brother's girlfriend's son. They were at the beach and zoo yesterday and off to Chuck E Cheese this morning. I reply, "I like children so much better than adults."
-Dateline or some similar show has a segment last night on the crackdown on street vendors. They are showing roaches, mold, and other horrific shit you would not want near any thing that you would think about eating. They are going around and shutting down unlicensed vendors. This is upsetting Melissa due to her fondness for "their" hotdogs wrapped in bacon. Melissa remarks, "Children are full of germs and make every one sick When Sarah taught, she was always sick. We aren't packing up kids and sending them away wrapped in bacon? Are we?"
Best Week Ever: May 5th
"I was having sex with 17 year old boys when you were 7."
-A white dude with dread locks comes in for sound check yesterday afternoon, at work. He is very upset that the audio people are not present and is later outraged by the situation. He begins to lose it and is threatening to break into our sound room and yelling about the injustices of audio. One of the boys I work with inquires, "Isn't an angry dude with dreadlocks an oxymoron?" I remind him that its a white dude with dreadlocks.
-I am informing one of the girls I work with that one of our male promoters smells really good. I encourage her to go smell him. One of the security dudes has just arrived to work. He says he encountered Chris on the way in going, "I look good. I feel good. And, Sarah says I smell good."
-One of my favorite American Apparel employees comes into the vintage store I work at one day this week. We are discussing the retail world that is American Apparel, which I retired from back in January. We are on the topic of "Style Check," where you call another store looking for a particular item. She goes, "Bandeau dress, asphalt, medium!" I remind her that the bandeau dress does not come in asphalt. She is impressed.
-I am working at the vintage store with a girl who has just suffered a break-up, via email. She is miserable to say the least. After changing her outfit three times and consuming a good amount of French fries and beer, she announces she just wants "chocolate and drugs." I endorse this method of healing.
-Some 17 year old boy on Myspace writes me, educating me of his size and recommends he put it in my ass. I inform him that I doubt "it" has been in a single ass yet, but wish him luck in making his dreams come true. He suggests he show me what he has to offer. I decline and inform him, "I was having sex with 17 year old boys when you were 7."
-Tuesday evening, I stay at the club after work to socialize a bit with some friends. Jessica, Megan, and I are standing within proximity to some drunk girl standing on one of the couches, dancing. My manager walks by, grabs me by the shoulder, points at the girl, and goes, "Sarah, is she one of yours?" I respond horrified, "No, my friends do not stand on furniture!"
-We are out of brochures for the club, one evening. The man responsible for the mishap calls to say he is running to Kinkos to make more and will be there shortly. He apologizes and asks if he can bring me something. I request he just copy me something "extra special."
-Melissa and I run into a girl she does not want to talk to, shopping early one morning. Melissa goes on doing what she was doing, while I decide to listen to the girl discuss her latest break up in detail. She is worried he may have been the one. She is not sure the breakup was for the best. I remind her I am almost 27 and have not had a boyfriend in years. She is young and will be just fine. Melissa reiterates in the car, how she did not want to talk to the girl in question. I commend myself, "Luckily, I can talk to anyone about how I am going to die alone."
-I arrive at American Apparel for some sort of low budget Cinco de Mayo celebration. I am the only non-employee at the party. Everyone working is dressed in red, white, and green hooters shorts and tank tops. I inquire why everyone looks like slutty elves. They correct me, "We are the "Mexican flag."
-After receiving my paycheck at work one night, I tell one of the girls I need to make more money, somehow. Coat check is over. Its too warm for coats. She says, "Screw coat check. You were too good for that. Lets just get you a pole and put that damn tip jar out."
-While trying on some new bodysuit at American Apparel the other day, I am startled by how low cut the thing is. Naima is telling me how much she likes it. I turn to her and let her know it barely covers my nipples. Naima pauses and asks, "What is Sarah Morrison famous for?" I shrug and go, "My nipples?" She nods.
Best Week Ever: April 28th
"I know you dont think the weed makes you high, but I am not counting windmill rotations."
-Some dude writes me a Myspace message telling me he thinks my photos are "Vegas." So I go, "What does "Vegas" mean, hungover?" It does not. It apparently means "good." Maybe he's never been to Vegas.
-Melissa's cat wears a harness. At times, it is hooked to a leash and attached to the coffee table, so the cat does not run away. The cat is wearing its harness in case it needs to be affixed to the coffee table at any moment, at our Barbeque Sunday. Melissa attaches a note to the cat that reads, "Human, please bring brownies to Melissa. Oh, and one for Sarah too." We send the cat into the party. Within two minutes, we receive three brownies and a cupcake.
-Dana is sitting and enjoying our company at the barbeque Sunday. Until, Melissa lights a bowl and smoke goes in Dana's direction. She starts screaming, jumping up and down, and runs out of the room yelling. At this point, I suggest we put Dana on a harness and attach her to the coffee table.
-The boy who lives in my apartment does not pay rent. I inquire several times about this, and suggest he start. He calls me crazy on the phone one night this week as I ask for the money for the third time. I respond, "Crazy? I am asking for rent money. Its not like I am faking a pregnancy."
-We are sitting in Melissa's room interneting during Sunday's festivities. The bathroom is right across the hall. I am in earshot of the bathroom line conversations. Two people are discussing the level of Vegan-ness of the food. I overhear some girl informing her friend that she heard the lemonade is Vegan. At which point, I turn to Dana and Melissa and announce, "Some girl just called the Lemonade Vegan!"
-Several boys I work with are discussing working out and their gym memberships. One informs the group he is working on his stomach. Stuart announces, "I am working out, so Sarah will love me."
-Melissa is getting really into those giant windmills out in the desert, on the way to Palm Springs this week. She is counting rotations, doing math in her head, then announcing their "RPMs" to me. I look out the window, hoping she will stop. The windmills apparently speed up. She is recounting, and now informing me of their miles per hour. I simply state, "Melissa, I know you dont think the weed makes you high, but I am not counting windmill rotations."
-I see one of those cereal commercials encouraging me to replace all meals with *said* cereal. I then will instantly lose ten pounds and want to wear slutty red dresses, at all times. I go to Melissa, "Maybe I should do that?" She replies, "Sarah, replace actual meals with a bowl of anything and you will lose weight; a bowl of cereal, a bowl of socks..."
-Taylor Anne's birthday comes and goes this week. There is an early barbeque and plans to go out dancing later. Tiana and I encounter Christian right when we arrive. He is a little drunk, due to the fact he will not be attending the dancing end of the festivities. He works early the following morning, so he chose instead to start drinking early. Tiana and I are sitting. Christian tries to use the chair I am in for leverage, as he attempts to sit on the ground. He starts to fall, then spins on his butt a little. He goes, "I didnt fall. I tried to make it look cool." We agreed. I reassure him it was sort of like break dancing. This makes him happy.
-Taylor Anne's directions to dancing lead us to a place called Gower Gulch, where it is "monster/gangster drag queen burlesque night." Gower Gulch is one of those places I have always wondered about. It is in a plaza between a Starbucks and a Rite Aid. And, has its very own Denny's in the parking lot. Tiana reminds me, this is the Denny's where her parents met. She goes home to tell her mom where we had been that evening and her mom excited says, "You were conceived in that Denny's! Did I ever tell you that? Well, it wasnt Denny's then. It was Archie's. I really hate Denny's, their coffee is terrible."
-Tiana is probably moving to Minnesota to go to school. I tell her that I promise to visit so we can go to the Mall of America. It is the only National monument I haven't been to.
-I request the boy send me a money order and have one of his friends move his stuff out of the apartment, after our lovely conversation the other evening. His friend arrives to collect his sneakers and other miscellaneous belongings. He informs me that he is glad he never slept with Erik.
-Over desserts the other afternoon, Megan is telling me about the additions that have been made to the retail store she works at. She informs me that they have added horrible fluorescent lighting. She states, "It's like working in a refrigerator."
-I leave my coat at some restaurant in Palm Springs, one afternoon this week. I call the manager the following day, hoping they had it and could send it to me. Sort of upset she tells me, "It fits me perfectly. I was hoping you would not call. I have already been planning outfits around it."
-I am rushing to get to work yesterday. I realize that my gas light is on, and has been for quite some time. I stop and put five dollars in. My gas light is still on.
Best Week Ever: April 21st
"You dont really have to ever take your shirt off. It is not like you really need your boobs for anything."
-My mother asks me what we are doing for Easter. I tell her that I tried to encourage Pat Masterson to cook, but he declined. She goes, "Well, Sarah it is one of those questionable holidays. She then says, "Just have Melissa cook. Shes Jewish."
-Melissa and I decide to go on a walk, on Easter. I arrive at her house hours later than planned, and find her lying in her bed. She is expressing her disinterest in walking and announces, "I wish there were motorized carts that brought you places so you didnt have to walk." I inform her, "I have a giant one outside. I call it the car."
-I go into David's store for a refresher course in how to work retail. David, and the stores other owner Terry, have somehow become the parents of two baby chicks. The adorable birds are wandering around the store, shitting everywhere. The two of them are brainstorming on how they are going to find a home for the birds. Terry suggests, "Why dont we have Sarah post about it on her Myspace?" I look at both of them bewildered, and immediately answer "No."
-Kristen hosts a small social gathering, Saturday evening. Christian is standing on the porch with me. He asks me, "How many people here are from Boston?" I actually begin to look around and count. I get to 11 and just announce, "Everyone, but you."
-I am working during a party for the Indian Film Festival, this week. One of the girls I work with comes over to tell me that people from Nickelodeon are there. They are in the other room, discussing what they are looking for in new writers. She encourages me to go in and listen. Not really getting why Nickelodeon is there, I inquire, "I thought this was an Indian Film festival?" She tells me it's for Indian writers. Still confused I add, "But, I'm not Indian?
-Dana is on Howard Stern being "penetrated" by a dildo attached to a power saw. We watch the entirety of this televised spectacle. I just point at the screen the whole time repeating, "Thats my friend!"
-We are on the topic of "actors we would like to have sex with," one sort-of-slow evening at work. Ginger announces her choice of Hugh Jackman. She goes on to clarify that it is "only when he is Wolverine." She then reminds me that Wolverine has a bionic penis. Confused still, I respond, "Yeah, but a really hairy one." She shrugs.
-Melissa and I are discussing time saving sex tips, in the car one morning this week. She informs me, "You dont really have to ever take your shirt off. It is not like you really need your boobs for anything."
-One of the door guys I work with asks one of the waitresses if she has been "vacationing at Mystic Tan." She goes, "I dont think I like you." She then, storms off. I tell him that I like him.
-Last night, I did what the Hollywood world calls "Bottle Service." This is where I get people with lots of money to sit at tables and drink lots of expensive alcohol. The bar manger is talking to me before this ordeal begins. He instructs me to get him or one of the security dudes if anyone gives me any trouble. He then goes, "You know how to fight, right?" I remind him that I am from Boston. He gets up to leave and adds, "Being from Boston just means you have bad luck."
Best Week Ever: April 14th
"There is no smoking in Portland."
-Ginger gives me a hundred dollars, and a list of colors she likes. She instructs me to buy her "things she will like" at H&M. I am relieved, she likes everything I get. I inform her that the whole experience was very stressful and anxiety filled, but sort of an adrenaline rush at the same time. I go on to tell her it felt very "NASCAR."
-One of the girls I work with asks me what movie is showing that evening. I inform her it is "Everything is Illuminated." She looks at me blankly. So I go on to tell her that "that Hobbit Elijah Wood is in it." She goes, "Oh a Hobbit." "You can not really ever BE a Hobbit and go back," I add. She agrees.
-Dana informs me she is pulling a "Sarah Morrison" and hanging out with some exboyfriend of hers. I remind her it is actually smarter than it sounds. They already know we are crazy and we already know how they are in bed.
-A boy I work with is raising his two nieces. He is discussing the morals and values he is trying to instill in the girls. He then goes on to tell us how he wants them to commit in relationships. He is teaching them that relationships are monogamous. They must commit to one person and only one person. At this point I inquire, "So what, you are going to do, ground her if she cheats on her boyfriend?" He informs me that I missed the point.
-One of the managers at my work comes over to me and tells me that everyone says that I am really funny. "Everyone?" I inquire. He nods and instructs me to say something funny. I couldn't think of anything.
-I ask one of the door guys at work if our venue is hosting a fashion show that evening. He tells me he does not know. I inform him that I am going to start making things up when people call and ask what is going on that evening. He says, "Just say, I dont know about a fashion show, but there will be free blowjobs from 10-11pm, so cum early!"
-Brooke calls to tell me she bought a house. Melissa can hear enough of the conversation to understand what is going on. Melissa states, "I want a house more than I want a baby."
-I want a Churro and want Melissa to go get it for me on Sunday at the Rosebowl. I call them Cholos at least three times, which is beginning to upset her. She finally announces, "Ok bye. I am going to look for Cholos."
-I am pulled aside, while going through security at LAX, because something in my purse has come up as questionable when it went through the X-ray. I stand by, while some security dude pulls out four lighters and a can of Mace. I go, "This must look really shady right now." He shrugs. I turn to see the ten other security people staring at me and go, "I swear I am not a Terrorist." One of the security guys hold his hands up and goes, "We dont judge."
-I am standing outside on the sidewalk at the Portland Airport smoking a cigarette. Some guy who appears to be an Airport employee is staring at me. He finally comes over and says, "There is no smoking in Portland."
-Brooke, Jason, and I are at Blockbuster one evening this week. We encounter a section called "Brokeback Mountain: Expandable Knowledge." This selection of DVDs includes some really gay looking low budget movie, Boys Dont Cry, some others comparable gay flicks, and the Hours. Brooke goes, "Why is the Hours in that section?" I inform her that Lesbians are gay too.
-I offer Jason five dollars to put Listerine Pocket Strips in his eyes like contacts. He declines.
-Jason tells me that William Shatner was the first person to sign up for this whole "open call trip to space," the government is endorsing. I say, "William Shatner huh? I am going to look into that." Brooke goes, "I thought you were running out of credit?"
-Stuart inquires how it is that I can spend 400 dollars at H&M, but can not spend 3.49 on a protein bar. (See last week for more on the protein bar)
-I receive a Myspace message from a girl entitled "The Energy Crisis." In said message she suggests the energy crisis could be solved if we were to harness all of the energy of my admirers. She then informs me that it might be equivalent to the "Care Bear Stare."
-I inform everyone in the car on the way back from Seattle late the other night, I have already made the decision to sleep in my clothes. Jason goes, "I hate when you sleep in socks though, and they get twisted and bunched up." I point at him and add, "That does not happen when you are still wearing shoes!"
-I am smoking a cigarette on Brooke's front porch, when I am approached by a guy on a cell phone that is doing construction next door. He tells the person on the phone to hold on and that he "is going to ask some girl out." He inquires if I am single. I go, "Yeah, but I live with some boy." He nods and walks away.
-Brooke tells us that Scott Koerner thinks she should start dressing better in order to get a decent dude. Jason says, "A decent dude? Thats like trying to get a sane girl. Both are like finding Bigfoot."
-I make friends with a 17 year old high school senior, who has been in Portland looking at a college and is headed to LA to do the same, during my six hour stint at the airport today. She is interested in Sociology, so I am giving her the rundown, while throwing in a few life lessons. We are waiting in line together to get on our new flight, when two Japanese businessmen cut right in front of us. We are the last people in line. So this seems a little obvious and a little silly. My high school friend goes, "So you guys cut us huh?" They turn around and nod. Nodding i go, "Cutting the ladies..." One of them turns around and waves. I then add, "All because we have boobs." They smile and nod. I scare the high school girl a little, but eh shes going to college soon.
-My Alaska Airlines flight home today is delayed and delayed and finally cancelled. I am one of the last to get on board some United flight that has also been delayed, but was actually leaving the airport. A flight attendant comes on over the loud speaker and goes, "Welcome United passengers thanks for choosing us. Welcome Alaska customers, sorry about your five hour delay. I bet you will never choose them again. Next time choose United, the home of the two hour delay!"
-I am using my Sidekick-esque phone device to write myself notes while in flight today. The girl next to me initially sort of startled goes, "Is that a phone?" I tell her it is. She then starts to lose it, "You are supposed to have it off. Thats really dangerous. You are going to kill us." I try to explain to her that I use it to write things down and thats its not working as a phone. I then explain to her its ok with the airline and whatnot. I remind her of the announcement they made about said devices. I then reassure her that "I am not going to kill her." She shuts up, but i get out my laptop. She then picks up all her stuff, goes and tells on me, and sits somewhere else. Some flight attendant comes over because she "heard" I am making phone calls mid air. Shockingly, I am not.
Best Week Ever: April 7th
"Do people just think I hang out here a lot?"
-I am attempting to do a voice recording via telephone for the upcoming Waffles and Falafels Podcast. I am asked to slow down every single time I attempt to recite my part. I finally get it sort of right or right enough for them to splice a few of my attempts together to make it work. I go, "This is why I type."
-Stuart inquires, at work one day this week, whether I am wearing jeans, as I walk by him wearing some. I respond, "No, I am not." He continues, "I don't think I have ever seen you in jeans before." I try to tell him he has. Shaking his head he responds, "No, you always wear Spandex."
-Melissa's EBay store and both Myspace accounts are hacked into and deleted. Her EBay store is closed. Both her Mama Stone Vintage and personal Myspace accounts are also removed. She is discussing the chain of events at Will's with a few guests. Apparently, Mike Torres informs her, "I am kind of drunk so I will tell you. Sarah Morrison did it. She has your passwords. She did this. She was just tired of your Mama Stone bullshit." Melissa apparently then responds, "But, the EBay stuff. She could not have figured that out?" At which point Mike goes, "Yeah, she didnt get help from Chase or anything." Melissa believes this and continued to question if everyone is sure Mike is kidding for the following hour.
-A bunch of people I actually know, attend one of the movie screenings at my work this week. A girl I know turns to me, and asks, "Who did you come here with?" I remind her, I work there. I then inquire, "Do people just think I hang out here a lot?"
-With Erik's encouragement, I try to make the landlord feel bad for me by leading him to believe Erik "left" me. I try to allude to not knowing where he went or why, in hopes of getting out of signing a lease. None of this works at all, and I am meeting him tomorrow morning to sign a one year lease. But, he has called twice since to see if I would like to go out for drinks.
-Stuart is trying to explain to several people who have gathered around him that he shaved his head to "get" Natalie Portman. One of the audience members informs Stuart that he has met the female in question, and she is "really hott." At which point, Stuart points at me and corrects, "Not as hott as Sarah." I laughed, but still dont get it.
-Brooke is updating me on the status of her house hunting venture. I tell her I just think it's strange that she is buying a house. "Buying a house is like getting married." Then Brooke tries to tell me that you can sell a house but, you can't sell a husband. I add, "I don't know about that, Brooke."
-I have gained a little more than five pounds according to Melissas scale. I am trying to make some sort of effort to not eat junk food all the time, in order to get back into some of my jeans. I stop at a gas station one morning this week. I decide to buy one of those protein bars. I bring it up to the register and it rings up as $3.49. So, I put it back and get a bag of Chocolate Chip Cookies for $.59. I do own a lot of Spandex.
-An ad comes on the radio for Adam Carolla's show, yesterday. I go, "I wonder how that is?" Melissa informs me she does not watch it. I inform her that she does not "listen" to it. She then adds, "Oh the radio? All I listen to is Spanish stations and to Scan."
-Sue is drunk and tells me she is in love with a boy she knows (only) from the internet. She then asks me, "What is she to do?" I inform her that she is to realize that every thing is better when you can delete and retype your words. That is something you can not do in life.
-We are up in San Francisco this week. My brother formerly lived in San Francisco and worked at the Levis store there, until recently. I am making a purchase in said store and ask the kid ringing me up, if he knows Sam. He responds, "Yeah, he lives with your parents now, right?" I nod and take my bag.
-Chase is being interviewed by Rob of Reviewer magazine. The first question he is asked is something about how his whole career got started. The second question is about how Chase is coping with the fact he is no longer dating Sarah Morrison and she is talking about other dudes on the internet.
-One of the boys I work with is discussing growing out his beard. I inform him that I think beards are weird. He tells me the reason I find beards weird is because I can not grow one. He then goes on to tell me that he thinks boobs are weird, but fun. I, in turn should feel the same about beards.
Best Week Ever: March 31st
"I think I am just allergic to being alone."
-I pass out appetizers at work this evening. This involves you dressing in black and carrying around a heavy tray of miniature food with one hand. After I finish this task, I am complaining to one of the boys I work with about how much my arm hurts. I inform him I thought I was stronger. I then add, "It was not like it was my left arm. It was my right, which I use a lot." He responds, "Oh yeah doing what?" I inform him, "Writing things down and smoking cigarettes."
-Erik is away for two months. I inform him upon his departure that he will not recognize me when he returns because I am going to start shaving my arms. No one will. I am hardly recognizable.
-While the drunk crowd begins to exit the club I work at Saturday evening, the door dude yells "Thanks for coming on her face." Not a single person notices.
-Saturday evening, the girl who does the list downstairs comes up to my coat check stand and asks me if "those two boys found me?" I look at her confused. She goes, "I let in these boys that said they knew you? They didn't come over here?" "Well, maybe they did not need to check their coats?" I add.
-I am complaining to Brooke about the latest boy situation that I have managed to sabotage. I am explaining how everything was really good and fun early on. He really liked me. Everything I did or said was slightly adorable. Then it was not and we did not do anything fun. Brooke goes, "Oh that's like that day we went to Mt Rushmore at 9 AM and had to spend the rest of the day "just driving." I agreed.
-Taylor Anne has been in Texas as of late. I encourage her to call my friend Will, while in Austin. She introduces herself as a friend of Sarah Morrison's on the phone. Will responds, "Is she dead?"
-I am allergic to something. My face swells up and my eyes swell almost shut on Tuesday, then worse on Wednesday. The boy who lives here went away for a while and Melissa is out of town. I think I am just allergic to being alone.
-Some irate dude calls like 80 times claiming to have lost his credit card at the club I work at. We do not have it, so it is a lost cause. Yet, he shows up and continues on and on. He is sure it is at the club. He would like to look through the credit card box himself because he does not believe either I or the boy I am working with can read. He keeps insisting he "see the box." We begin ignoring him until he finally departs, at which point I turn to the boy next to me and tell him "I will gladly show him my box."
-If all goes according to plans, I will be in Portland next week. Brooke promises to buy me ice cream every day I am there. I do not promise to ever come home again.
Best Week Ever: March 24th
"Dana was right."
-I have been back in Los Angeles for more than a month, yet have somehow not seen Tiana since my return. She informs me that "I know you are alive. I see you on Cobranake."
-A guy I work with comes up to me, points to his nipples, then at me, and informs me "Sarah, you have something on your shirt." I tell him that someday I will get "into" wearing bras.
-One of the guys I work with is excited I am from Boston. He instructs me to check "this" out. He then recites, "Your sistas got wicked pissa tits, brah." He tells me, he uses this line on everyone from Boston he meets. He then tells me it got weird when a friend of his (from Boston's) sister moved here. He couldn't say that to her, and could not think of anything else to say.
-I am buying a 2.99 bottle of Bacardi at the liquor store by my old work, the other evening. The dude that works there asks me if I am "going to a party." I inform him I am not. He then responds, "Oh, it's for Sarah's boyfriend." I inform him that if I was to have a boyfriend, I would need to buy a much bigger bottle.
-I am working some magazine party thing at work the other night. This involves me asking if you would like a free water or Amstel Light. I then hand said drink to you, while standing next to a giant ice sculpture. Some dude inquires whether I am cold. (Pointing at the ice sculpture.) I inform him "Not really, it's not like I am sitting on it."
-Chase calls me and leaves me a voicemail detailing the following. "I am coming out of a 711 and there is a guy asking me for money to stop drug addiction. All I want to do is ask him for Xaxax. Maybe I will ask him for money to continue my drug addiction. Ok, goodbye."
-My boss at work tells me she likes my "Best Week Ever" and goes on to say that there is a lot about drunk dudes at work. I tell her it used to be about customers at American Apparel. She tells me she is going to start reading the old ones.
-Chase's birthday rolls around. I thank him for being my only platonic male friend.
-I win my case at Traffic Court this week. (see December's Taco Bell Drive-Thru incident for more on this) While waiting for my case to be heard, I meet some 60-something year-old guy who is there to fight his traffic injustice as well. He loudly tells me the story of his wrongful right hand turn. He then continues to inform me that he thinks the cop may have been actually hallucinating, while stopping him for this violation. I instruct him not to inform the court of that piece. He then asks me if I could please give him a sign if anything he is saying is "going too far." I agree to do so by simply waving my hands in the air and yelling "No." He thinks this should suffice.
-I inquire about the state of a girl I work with, who seems to sometimes not exactly know what's going on, um ever. I ask a coworker if they think she has ADD. They inform me, "You know how there are those mental giants? Well she is like the opposite of that. Let's call her a mental midget."
Best Week Ever: March 17th
"Trading Down."
-Some drunk guy comes up to me at work the other night, puts his arm around me, and informs me he has been looking all night for a girl in a Peacoat. I inform him that he "has found one," rolling my eyes. He goes, "I thought you would be funnier." I announce, "Yeah I am not."
-I am working coat check one evening. Some guy looses his ticket and comes over hoping to retrieve his coat with out this vital collateral. He attempts to describe "said dude leather jacket," basically informing me he owns every jacket behind me. I instruct him to put on the coat he is convinced belongs to him. I go, "We will see if it fits. It will be like OJ's glove." Sort of frightened, he agrees.
-I receive a Myspace message that reads as follows "I just heard from my ex girlfriend today that a friend we had from high school recently got stuck in a chimney in Van Nuys. She said to Google it to see what I get. And it pulled up" -A preview for the News at 11 comes on TV. It says, "A Van Nuys woman gets stuck in a chimney. Stay tuned to find out how she got out." Melissa goes, "How about stay tuned to find out how she got in?" I informed him I was sorry the story had not been covered by a more reputable News source.
-I arrive at work one evening this week to discover a private show with a bunch of bands playing. The promoter brings his own front desk girl to do tickets and take payments. I am sort of just sitting there kind of useless reading a book. Our resident audio girl comes over concerned. She asks, "How are you doing? (Pointing at the new me for the evening.) Sarah, I think wannabee coat check girl needs a candle." I nod and suggest I bring her one.
-I spend a few weeks being into a boy I used to date that had convinced me he had changed. It did not take long for him to stop pretending he had. So the only reasonable solution to my latest disappointment from the male population is to change my Myspace orientation to "Lesbian," in hopes of a quick healing. I do get a few "HEY YOU SEXY LESBIAN" messages (all typed in caps) from some internet weirdos. But, I change it back to "Straight" when I receive a message from a girl who went to summer camp with me. She tells me she is now a lesbian and always had a crush on me.
-Verdell, Dana, and I are heading back to our cars after brunch this morning. We stop to stare at a four-year-old child walking on all fours, on a leash. None of us know what to make of it, until Dana's inquires whether he has Spina Bifida. Literally seconds later, the child gets up and starts running, only to be sort of bounced back by his parents' leash. For some reason, i have a feeling kids with Spina Bifida were not being walked on leashes this morning on Sunset Blvd, by their parents.
-The boy I live with is home to greet the cable guy, yet looses my cat somehow in the process. I in turn end up wandering around asking neighbors if they have seen a white cat wearing a fluorescent bikini. No one was of much help at all.
-My car gets broken into this week. The car thieves take everything in my glove compartment, my Ipod, and a couple hundred CDs. I arrive at the police station not really caring about the Ipod or CDs, but concerned about the registration that was formerly in my glove compartment. The cop inquires why I am so concerned about my registration, and whether I get pulled over a lot. I inform him that I do not. I do tell him that all my information for my court date Monday was also stolen out of the glove box, and want to know if he thinks this will be a problem.
-Dana suggests I airbrush a picture of myself on the hood of my car so car thieves realize how pretty I am when breaking into my car and feel bad. I recommend the portrait be extra sparkly and underneath read "Thx 4 the Add."
-Melissa suggests I should do Salvia, some sort of legal Weed type stuff sold at head Shops. She then informs me I will laugh like Fran Dresher and think my hands are crab claws for like five minutes and then be back to normal.
-I am discussing my plan for fixing the domestic situation I have maniacally created for myself with my dear friend Brooke this afternoon. I reiterate, "You know how we only surround ourselves with people that are like the "Best." "Yeah," she agrees. They are sort of the smartest and funniest, and can not get over how brilliant and amazing we are. "Well just imagine someone who didn't, and just thought we were mediocre."
Best Week Ever: March 10th
"Where's Tiana?"
-Erik and I encounter Caroline and Pat drunk at the house Sunday evening around 1 AM. Caroline turns around, looks at me, and goes "Where's Tiana?" I inform her that Tiana was busy.
-The girl who does the sound at our club is carrying around the audio controller in case of a major music malfunction. She complains that she is having trouble with the reverb from the club downstairs. She announces, "I can feel the vibrations." I respond, "Oh like Marky Mark?" She nods and goes, "Yes Sarah, like Marky Mark.
-Christian orders Girl Scout cookies. He informs me that the cookies formerly known as Samoas, now known as Caramel Delights are his favorite. He tells me that since I am his favorite girl he will call me "his Caramel Delight." I commend this. I also tell him I am glad his favorite cookie is not a "Thin Mint."
-Melissa announces that the season premiere of America's Next Top Model is on at 8. She then asked if "8" is tonight.
-Tiana tells me that her boyfriend has been taking rock sculpture classes. Therefore, his floor is covered with giant pieces of Marble. Tiana is having trouble getting up in the night and not injuring herself on the way to the bathroom. I suggest she sleep in hiking boots. She agrees.
-A drunk boy I know is talking to me at a club, one evening this week. He observes Cobrasnake taking pictures of the club goers. He turns to me and suggests, "Cobrasnake should be like Santa. You should get in line, sit on his lap, and then get your picture taken."
-I run into Zack out one night this week. He informs me his clothing line is going to be big. He tells me the website is up and his shirts will be in stores in the next few months. I instruct him to remember me when he gets famous. I remind him that I helped pick out the rims for his bike. He puts his arm around me, and informs me that soon enough I will be picking out rims for his car.
-When leaving, Erik asks what I am doing tomorrow. I inform him I am modeling. He tries to correct me, "You are supposed to model Friday." I tell him, "Well now its Thursday." He looks at me confused seemingly unable to understand any of it. I inquire, "Um is Thursday some sort of model holiday I don't know about?"
-Joe Swanberg sends me his movie LOL to check out. It's a great movie that will be showing at SXSW March 13, 15, and 18. I am instantly confused as I read the name "Chase Lisbon" in the opening credits. Melissa inquires what Chase has to do with the movie. I have no idea. Until the opening scene, where Melissa notices, "That's Chase's sister's living room." We are still baffled by why the opening credits read "Chase Lisbon" and not "Chase Lisbon's Sister's Living Room."
-I found an apartment finally. I am paying a ridiculously low amount of rent due to my willingness to live in a sort of unfavorable situation with a boy in Echo Park. When my coworkers express their concern in relation to my new domestic situation, I inform them "Well, whatever. I am paying like 300 dollars a month. I can spend all my money on clothes. I am going to be dressed so well. You will see."
-Erik tells Melissa he ordered Thai food. Melissa announces that she recently had Thai food that "was not bad." She then, thinking for a moment, announces she "doesn't know what good is."
Best Week Ever: March 3
"America keeps me warm."
-Erik and I arrive home to encounter Pat and a girl we know in the living room. They have been drinking whiskey and are both ridiculously drunk. The girl is trying to discuss a job she may have for Erik at the company she works for. Erik informs her he will "call her tomorrow." Pat with his eyes half closed corrects Erik, "Her name is not Tomorrow."
-Some dude is hitting on me, out at a club one night this week. Pat comes over and announces, "Sarah lives in my garage." The boy I am talking to responds, "Oh my brother used to live in my garage." I recommend he set us up.
-I am sitting in the front yard with my laptop, a face mask, and a towel in my hair. One of the neighbors is walking by and stops to say hi. I instruct him to disregard my appearance. He inquires what exactly I am doing and why I am doing it in the front yard. I pick up my belongings and go, "I should probably be indoors."
-At work one evening this week, a band comes in the club to set up for their show. I am standing at the counter with one of the club's employees. He states, "Dudes in bands always look bummed out. It must be hard to pretend you are always sad." I add, "Probably not. It their minds it is always raining."
-At 2:30 AM Friday evening, drunk club goers are exiting. One of them stumbles over to me and says, "Excuse me. Some one left their pants on the dance floor." I inform him I will "take care of it."
-Erik and I are going to meet his aunt for lunch one day this week. He had not seen her since he was in elementary school. He describes her as "really tall, probably 6'0." When we arrive to meet her she appears to be approximately 5'4." He informs us that maybe he was just "shorter."
-I am discussing a really cute pair of six inch platform shoes I had worn at the store I work at. I am informing everyone that I was scaring customers due to my ridiculous height and had to take them off. Melissa adds, "When you look at people that tall people assume you like play basketball or something." I inform her people have asked me, on several occasions, if I do in fact play basketball. She goes, "Yeah and people ask me if I am a jockey."
-At work one night this week, a drunk dude comes over to me while I am coat checking. "Is this what you do?" (Pointing at the coat check area stand behind me) I respond, "Yes, I majored in Coat Checking in college."
-I arrive at work the other night to discover that we are hosting the premiere of Laura Croft: Tomb Raider: 3. There is no Angelina Jolie, as I am sure most of you have imagined. And, nothing more than a camcorder is used in its filming. The whole thing appears to be shot in Chinatown. The star of the film is posing for "press" opps nearby my post, convinced Angelina was not even considered for the coveted role. One of the "photographers" comes over to me and informs me, "You have the look of this movie. I could give you a fake gun and you could be Laura Croft." Sort of speechless, I ask him to think of me for Tomb Raider: 4."
-At work one night, I am approached by a boy with a camera. He goes, "Sarah right?" We talk on the internet." I start to acknowledge who he is, but by this time he is walking away. I yell his name. He turns around, waves, and informs me "He does not like small talk."
-One cold rainy night, a boy shows up to a social gathering at my place of employment in a matching sequined American Flag print mini vest and bootie short ensemble. I inquire as to how his outfit has been treating him in the lovely weather we are having. He points at me, think for a second, and responds, "America keeps me warm."
Best Week Ever: Feb 24th
"If You Hate Boys, Don't Date Boys." Dana DeArmond"
-We are watching one of those E shows, where they follow celebrities around to see what coffee they drink and what type of cereal they prefer. I inform Melissa that I would never want to be a celebrity. You would have to look good all the time, in case someone takes your picture. Melissa informs me she has trouble just leaving the house looking like "she is not homeless."
-I tell Peggy I will go to a show with her one evening. I did not hear from her, and end up somewhere else by the time she calls. She asks where I am and I inform her "I have accidentally ended up with a bunch of boys." She is sort of confused until a boy on the couch yells, clarifying, "a bunch of men."
-Obviously, I end up at an Orange County Denny's one evening this week. We all place our orders. Erik orders his late night breakfast meal last. Once the waiter leaves the table, Zack informs Erik he "sounded gay," when ordering. Erik inquires what exactly he had said. I remind him that he had told the waiter he wanted pancakes. Then he told the waiter he was gay.
-After making a Myspace reference during our meal at Denny's, I am instructed that I am not supposed to refer to this website in public. I inform the group that we are at Denny's, not in public.
-At a party one evening, Melissa decides to watch television in the middle of the living room. The movie The Terminal is on. She spends ridiculous amounts of time trying to make closed captioning work on the television. She gives up at some point, and settles on just watching it with out sound. Five minutes or so in, she decides to ask someone what is going on in the movie. A boy nearby explains the entire premise to her. She responds, "Ohhhh, I just thought he was retarded."
-I am standing in line at the post office. I am doing the Mama Stone Vintage shipping for the week, so I have a large postal bag full of packages to be mailed. An evil elderly lady walks in and sizes up the line, deciding who she should cut. She chooses to go directly in front of me due to the amount of shit I have to mail, and I can not say anything due to the fact she is old.
-Christian is stuck in traffic on the way back from Vegas this week. He has been sitting completely stopped for three hours when I talk to him. After eating an old bag of chips in the glove compartment and making a few phone calls, he runs out of things to do. He rolls down the windows, puts on Everybody Hurts, and gets out of the car. No one got it.
-I inform the passenger in my car that I don't like my outfit, being the white dress I am wearing. He inquires why. I tell him that I always get white dresses dirty. By lunchtime, I always have coffee and other mysterious stains all over me. I then announce that I think it is because "it" knows I am not a virgin.
-Scott Koerner asks me if I can make sure that I refer to him as "hott" as opposed to sort of good looking. He thinks this will help him out tremendously due to my internet celebrity status. I have told two people so far.
-I am working at a friend's vintage store this week. David is a little high and decides to ask me music trivia questions. The first one he comes up with is "Name the members of Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young?" It is also the last question.
-After music trivia gets old, David decides to try on boots. He is sitting on a stool in front of the counter. He falls off the stool and onto the ground. When I ask him what exactly happened, he tells me that he "totally forgot he was sitting."
-Melissa is browsing the discount section at a gas station yesterday, when she stumbles upon discount condoms. They are the "for her pleasure" variety. Finally, dudes who were never really into pleasing "her" anyways, have been given the financial incentive to at least sort of think they may be doing so.
Best Week Ever: Feb 17th
"I can never sleep on planes. I think I am afraid someone will need me."
-Once in Portland, I become aware of the fact that the cable guy is not coming for a few days, so there is no internet. I end up at some coffee shop internet cafe like three times in order to write and email my Supercult column. Once home, Chase informs me he did not get the email. He suggests I send it again. I inform him, I will not because I have to "walk to the internet."
-On one of my 23 trips between the place with the internet and Brooke and Ashley's, I am stopped by two elderly gentlemen on the street. One of them informs me he needs to ask me a question. He goes, "Has anyone told you today that you are beautiful?" I pause and respond, "Actually not today."
-Ashley is on the phone with one of her friends. Ashley is informing her friend she can not go out that night because she has to work. She explains, "I am training the new girl, Neutrogena, at work tonight,." After little thought, she realizes the girl's name is actually Brita. Ashley goes, "I knew she was some sort of household product."
-I go out to breakfast with an exboyfriend. We end up discussing teenage pregnancy like most exes, over French toast. Mike suggests that teenage boys be given vasectomies. Then once they reach a reasonable age to actually have children, the process will be reversed. I suggest vasectomies be performed at freshman orientation, right after they are given their class schedules.
-Ashley has a set of pet hermit crabs. She informs us that the reason we do not see them move is because they are nocturnal. Then she adds "Actually they don't move at night either."
-Jason, Brooke, and Ashley are going skateboarding, while I have opted to stay at the house. Ashley goes around and locks both the front and back doors. I inform the group that it seems like a good idea because "they would not want anyone to steal me while they were gone."
-Brooke and Ashley are still out when their cable guy arrives. The dude insists on a check before he can do anything. I am kneeling on the porch writing a check out of Brooke's checkbook in a tank top, when I look down and realize you can see one of my boobs. Then I look up and realize the cable guy can see one of my boobs. We make eye contact. He asks me if I "want to use his clipboard." I decline.
-We ask the cable guy if he has seen Trapped in the Closet. He inquires if it is a molestation video. Everyone looks at him sort of confused until I answer "sort of."
-I am doing computerish things on Jason's computer, while he is sitting near by. He becomes alarmed and can not get over how loud I type. I inform him, "I know. I type really hard."
-I am packing up my belongings the morning of my flight back to Los Angeles. I am complaining about how much I hate planes. Someone helpful suggests that I simply sleep on the plane. I inform everyone, "I can never sleep on planes. I think I am afraid someone will need me."
-Melissa and her new cat are still getting to know each other. Melissa explains to me that the cat really enjoys watching running water. She then adds, "If you had never seen water go down a drain, you would be excited too."
-My internet friend "Ralph" tries to discuss last weeks 24 with me. I have to stop him because I missed the show. I tell "Ralph" that a friend of mine typed up a recap of the show, which I am going to read moments before this week's episode. "Ralph" informs me that that is what Tivo is for. I inform "Ralph," Tivo is out and typing up recaps of television shows is "in."
-At the Rosebowl flea market Sunday morning, we are positioned next to two overweight middle aged men selling a variety of antique musical instruments and assorted other "crap." One of them comes over with a piece of paper that reads "Nagc." He shows it to me and inquires how he might spell "Negotiable." I spell the word for him. He thanks me, sort of starts to walk away, and turns around. He announces, "You are not just a beautiful girl. You are a scholar."
-Mid day, it becomes warm at the flea market. I change from my jeans into a dress. The pile consisting of my former outfit is sitting next to the car. Some creepy dude picks the thong up that I had just removed, holds it in the air, and inquires, "How much is this?" I rip it out of his hand, smile, and inform him it is not for sale.
-Tiana has an array of pictures of herself wearing a fancy vintage dress, red lipstick, and a wig on her Myspace profile. I inform her, "You seriously look like a Barbie. Not like "Malibu Barbie," but those fancy ones that come in the bigger box and cost more."
-Melissa and I are approached by a presumably homeless gentleman. He is collecting bottles and cans to return for money. I hand him a bottle, at which point he informs me he has a "man thing" in his pocket. He asks me if i would like to see "it." Melissa then opts out of the conversation. I do not. He pulls out his "man thing," which is a red thong wrapped in a plastic shopping bag. He holds it up for me to see. I explain to him that I do not think he will get much for it at the liquor store. He shrugs, "Eh, I don't know about that. She was pretty cute."
-Taylor Anne ends up in bed most of the day following Valentines Day, due to the drinking that resulted from her holiday stress level. I inform her that none of this is actually her fault. I reassure her, "Hallmark is to blame."
Best Week Ever: Feb 10th
"The nuns beat us."
-Brooke and I are listening to Xtinas first hit Genie in a Bottle, in the car the other day. So Xtina informs us that her body is saying lets go and her heart is saying no. She goes on to discuss being rubbed and whatnot, but that it doesnt mean she gonna give it away. After a brief discussion, we are in agreement the song is totally about finger banging.
-A sonic in Missouri has a sign on its door that reads No cash left overnight. It then informs thieves of the local bank it uses, basically encouraging them to rob it instead.
-Brooke purchases a 75 cent condom with a mail in rebate on the back of the wrapper, for a dollar. She is thrilled at this money making proposition until she realizes she needed to buy two to get her dollar rebate. Plus, she still had to pay for the stamp.
-Brooke has become my secretary when I am driving. I dictate text messages for her to type to people. I actually just give her the general idea of what to write to said person. I then just instruct her to type holler at the end to distract people from the messages themselves.
-We stay at the Westin in Kansas City because Brookes friend Patrick is there on business. Brooke is thrilled with how nice the beds and fancy down comforters are. I announce how much I hate down comforters because they are too warm. I then add, I am glad I am not a duck. This is probably why they are always swimming.
-Ben sends Brooke (see last week for the back-story) a Myspace message that simply reads I like your jeans and hair.
-There is a billboard along the freeway in Iowa endorsing Catholic Education. It is a bunch of creepy smiling elementary schoolers holding rulers. It reads A Catholic Education is immeasurable. It should have read The nuns beat us.
-Brooke wont let me smoke in the car. She did agree to let me do my nails if I rolled the window down.
-We stop at what appears to be a kitschy ghost town type place in South Dakota called Buffalo Ridge. Its owner informs us that they are closed for the season. He offers to open up the museum area of the store for us to see. This involves him moving a few wedged pieces of cardboard out of a doorway leading into a giant heatless room. The rooms perimeter is full of enclosed glass cases of talking mannequins. The mannequins tell us stories of the old west (once you insert a quarter.) The last exhibit is deemed the most educational by the places owner. It details the transition from interchangeable shoes to the invention of the left and right shoe. He informs us This one is good. It is really educational. It is almost like home schooling.
-We end up at a pseudo Mexican restaurant in Wall, South Dakota. Brooke asks the waitress for steak sauce for her less than Mexican meal. She returns and informs us The cook also wanted me to bring you his number, but you guys do not want it. She puts the bottle on the table and walks away.
-We venture over to the bar next to the restaurant. The bar crowd is a little tipsy, being that it is now 30 minutes after the end of the Superbowl. The crowd has probably been drinking since mid afternoon. Jimmy, the bartender and establishment owner, insists we guest bartend because we are so hott. We initially refuse but then seem to have no choice. Brooke and I get behind the bar. Brooke pours jimmy a Super Beer, being a corona with a shot of Bacardi Limon. Jimmy finds this hott.
-The gentlemen of the bar agree that Brooke and I are better than the Superbowl.
-Our drunken bartender friend Jimmy informs me he is really upset. I inquire why. He says it is because I wont go home with him. I reassure Jimmy If I had never come in tonight, you still would have gone home without me. This seems to east his pain.
-We arrive at Mt. Rushmore. I start to sort of run as we approach the walkway leading up to this amazing National Monument. When it is in eyesight I yell, Yes! Brooke is still sort of walking and goes, You just yelled yes.
-Unclear as to what exactly the protocol at Mt. Rushmore is, we opt to sing the National Anthem. We get to something about ramparts, forget the words, and sort of give up.
-Somewhere around Washington state, we see a sign for some freeway north with an arrow that just reads Canada. At this point, Brooke and I decide that all signs should direct us to places no where near where we actually are. We decide that all signs north SHOULD point to Canada, while all south should read Mexico. When going east we should be directed towards Europe and when heading west all signs should simply point to Japan.
Best Week Ever: Feb 3rd.
"I blame my travel agent."
-My internet friend Anthony stumbles upon some girl’s Myspace profile with one of those “What (Pokemon, Major Department Store, Barbie, Celebrity Chef, Character from Friends, Brand of Car, Dead President, Woody Allen Movie, Color Crayon) Are You?” things in the middle of her page between an array of internet surveys. This one is, “What Classic Movie Are you?” Underneath it reads, “You are Schindler’s List!”
-My friends Brooke and Ben run into each other at a Snowboarding tradeshow in Vegas, a few weeks back. Ben and Brooke make “small talk.” What Ben classifies as “small talk” ends up being a borderline offensive line of questioning. The conversation does not end well. Leah and I are enjoying Ben’s company one night in Orange County this past week. Ben announces, “Leah, I like your jeans and hair.” Leah sort of confused by the compliment, thanks Ben. I also commend him. I suggest he could have told Brooke he liked her jeans and hair, as well.
-Ben hands me the new Vanity Fair with Lindsay Lohan on the cover and the new Snowboarder (in which he has written several articles.) He tells me I can take home Snowboarder, but I must leave the Vanity Fair.
-Leah and I are carrying my bed down the stairs of my apartment building, as our moving my belongings into storage adventure reaches its close. Some neighbor dude goes, “Hey can I ask you a question?” Without looking up or stopping I respond, “Are you serious?” He then, maybe realizing we have a bed in our hands says, “Maybe I should wait?” I think we both go, “Maybe.”
-Melissa is sitting in front of a computer. Leah and I ask her to check the weather in Boston for us, since we are departing the following day. Melissa reads each day’s shitty forecast out loud, laughing. She then announces, “I think I get joy out of people’s not joy.”
-I am going through a security checkpoint at LAX on Sunday. After some sort of 24esque bomb scare, flight canceling, and finally reinstating, hundreds of us are being rushed through a security checkpoint at hyper-speed. Some dude is yelling at me to put my laptop in a separate bin, while some lady is informing me I need to take my boots off “faster.” Once my boots are off, I and the hundreds of people I am “holding up” realize my socks don’t match. I walk through and start to put my boots back on. I turn to the group of security ladies behind me and go, “My socks don’t match huh?” One of them laughing says, “No they don’t. I was just telling everyone that that would probably be me.” I tell her thanks.
-I run into Bee at Boston’s Newbury Street American Apparel this week. He asks me what celebrities had come into the LA stores. I give him a pretty good list. I am even able to recall what Janeane Garofalo purchased. I get to Mark McGrath of Sugar Ray/Entertainment Tonight fame and his thermal, when Bee cuts in, "Mark MCGuire came into our store." “Oh, he does baseball, right?” I ask. I am informed “he does.”
-While waiting for my mother outside a greeting card store in the mall, my brother announces, “I understand a skateboard shop because there are people into skateboarding. A gift card store is something I don’t get. Are there that many people into holidays?”
-I am sitting on the floor with my laptop on my lap facing away from me, while watching television. My mother starts to walk by the doorway and stops. She decides to inquire about what exactly I am doing. I inform her that I have cramps and the computer is making them feel better. She rolls her eyes and walks away. She appears moments later with a heating pad that is supposed to do the same thing.
-I get a Class of 1999 High School Reunion invitation in the mail. It is mailed to my parents’ house from a local high school, which I never attended. I inform my parents that I liked high school so much I was secretly going to two.
-My mother asks me why I am watching the State of the Union Address the other night. I inform her that i am watching it because “It is funny.”
-My vacation to Mt. Rushmore is cancelled due to potential inclimate weather. We are instead headed to Baltimore tomorrow. I blame my travel agent.
Best Week Ever: Jan 27th
"59 shitty songs that all sound the same and 10 you want to listen to."
-I go with Melissa to get my eyebrows waxed for the first time ever. In the car on the way there, I ask her how exactly they do it. She announces, “With a stencil. Last time I went, Victoria went with me and got her legs and bikini line done.” “With a stencil?” I inquire. Melissa thought so.
-When my Ipod is set on “Shuffle,” it has the tendency to just play the Magnetic Fields every other song or so. Melissa announces that instead of being called “69 Love Songs,” it should instead be called 59 shitty songs that all sound the same and ten ones you want to listen to.”
-Chase asks if I can email him my address and full name so he can mail me some money he owes me. I reply, “You do not know my full name?” He informs me he does but would not want to “spell it incorrectly.”
-Pat Martin informs me that when he is here we will watch 24, smoke cigarettes, and listen to records. I remind him that I am from Boston and know what “listening to records” really means.
-This week I have been organizing and packing up my belongings to go into storage. It is always fun to find an array of untouched “ambitious” purchases like Vitamins, dental floss, and self help books, while packing up your belongings.
-Lucky magazine “threatens” to damage my “good credit rating” unless I send them 12 dollars for a subscription it seems I never paid for. I give them the 12 dollars, but would have enjoyed the ultimatum more had they simply threatened to “end me in this town.”
-The first song on Henry Rollins’ Indie 103 radio show a few evenings ago was a Los Angeles teacher rapping about staying in school. Its effectiveness rating would probably be along the same lines as Peaches’ “Fuck the Pain” away.
-My mother calls me around nine her time informing me that she in trapped in her bedroom in need of help. It involves something about shutting a door with no door knob. Initially I am not sure what to do, until I learn my father is downstairs watching a movie. So this simply involves her hanging up, me calling him, and him letting her out. It was very “24.”
-Can’t get enough of me? Always wanted a version of Best Week Ever with a little less me and a little bit more "world?" HERE IT IS! Act Like You Know is a weekly internet column filling people in on breaking news, supercult gossip, and everything in between. Enjoy and check back every week! Oh and while you are there look at the naked girls Thanks Supercult! Sorry Morrissey.
-I am flying to Boston to drive to Oregon, as I am sure most would have guessed. Brooke is moving to Portland again and I can not resist driving through the coldest and crappiest states in our country in February. See you at Wall Drug.
Best Week Ever: Jan 20th
"I hear Mt Rushmore is lovely in February"
-We go see Woody Allen’s Matchpoint on Saturday. When asked how the movie was I announce, “Stressful.”
-Melissa adopts a new cat this week. We are trying to get ready to go out to dinner the other night. Melissa goes over to the cat, picks it up, and says, “We will be gone an hour. Do you know how much time that is? You don’t, do you? An hour, is like two TV shows. “She puts the cat down and announces she is ready to go.
-I go to a job interview at a retail establishment the other day. I am asked a series of run of the mill interview questions. The guy interviewing me says, “For the last thing, I want you to tell me something you want us to know about you, something that explains who you are and why we should hire you.” I announce, “I have a pick-up truck.” He looks at me waiting for more. So I go, “Oh and I have a cat.”
-Martin Luther King Day comes and goes this week. Upon celebration of the late great Martin Luther King Jr., I am reminded of a traumatic story of my youth. My mom decides when I am in middle school that "we" should go to church. So my brother and I are thrown into this Sunday school class full of kids who had been going to church all of their lives. Like Jesus was seriously their homeboy. So Sam and I are forced to read bible passages in front of this entire hall of church kids. I am reading some bible verse quoting Martin Luther. When it comes time to say “Martin Luther,” I instead say “Martin Luther King.” All the church kids start laughing and pointing. I have no idea why. So some churchish girl next to me whispers "Its Martin Luther, not Martin Luther King," rolling her eyes. I was still confused. Well, Martin Luther King was better anyways.
-I am walking into a 711 the other day. A homeless dude rushes to open the door for me. He points at my truck and says, “Massachusetts huh? I am from Wisconsin.” I look at him confused and inform him the two states are no where near each other. He does not believe me but settles on, “Fine they are not near each other, but we could be.” I wave and go in the store.
-Melissa and I are traveling around Echo Park in her car taking pictures for Mama Stone Vintage. A woman comes out of her house and asks what the pictures are being used for. Melissa explains it is for EBay. The woman asks her if she is a photographer. Melissa settles on “sort of.” I announce, “We did NOT go to high school together.” Melissa adds, “We met at FASHION WEEK.” The woman laughs and goes back in the house.
-During our pseudo modeling shoot, I ask Melissa if I am doing good. She corrects, “You are doing well.” I ask her if I am doing wicked well. She nods, “You are doing wicked well.”
-The new season of 24 starts this week. I decide Jack Bauer should be on every television show making every show “good.” I think he would make a great character on say…According to Jim.
-A preview for the News at 11 comes on TV. It says, “A Van Nuys woman gets stuck in a chimney. Stay tuned to find out how she got out.” Melissa goes, “How about stay tuned to find out how she got in?”
-I go into my former place of employment on Melrose this week. I tell Tiana I just called her. She goes, “Oh what did you say?” I tell her I said I was coming to Melrose and wanted to know if she was there. She nods, raises her hand, and announces she “is there.”
-I am waiting for my truck to get out of Valet at the Standard the other night. A group of intoxicated dudes are waiting for their vehicles as well. One of them says, “I like your tights.” I tell him that they are leggings. He goes, “I wish I was Lycra.” I look at him and repeat, “You wish you were Lycra?” He shakes his heads and says, “Yeah I don’t know.”
-Bettie is visiting. She announces last night that she loves not working. Melissa corrects her, telling her she loves vacation and would hate not working. Bettie agrees. Melissa announces, “I could never NOT work.” Bettie is agreeing with her, when I opt to interrupt and announce, “I am sitting right here and can hear you people.”
-I am listening to Dave Navarro and Billy Morrison’s Indie 103 show one evening this week, while doing errands. People are calling in and are instructed to ask the two hosts music trivia questions. A caller is put on the air. He requests some sort of crappy new rock bands latest single. Dave Navarro tries to explain that they aren’t playing music. The caller inquires if he actually called a radio station. Dave suggests the caller go download the song for free on the internet and hangs up.
-Melissa is discussing how kind it was of me to buy her Ashanti’s new perfume. Bettie inquires as to what happened to Ashanti. I inform them both that Ashanti has a new album and that I had seen it at Amoeba, the previous day. I then announce, “I felt like everyone was staring at me at Amoeba. That place is weird." Melissa announces, “Huh, maybe it was because you were looking at the new Ashanti album”
-Bettie is explaining her concern about the Bird Flu at dinner the other night. Her concern for this pandemic has apparently developed after she read some article in Popular Science. Melissa inquires whether the bird Flu is coming to “America or California.”
-Jamey calls me this week and informs me that leaving voicemail messages detailing the fact he never returns my phone calls and will probably not return this one either, does not make him want to call me back. I interrupt and inquire a little bit about this by going, “But you called me?” He explains, “I call you back because I am mad and decide I am going to show her!” I announce that I think I won. He agrees.
-I call my mom and tell her I am putting my belongings in storage and have purchased a one way ticket to Boston. Concerned I am moving in with her, she asks how exactly I am planning to leave Boston. I inform her that I am driving to Portland because I want to see Mt Rushmore. She says she hears it is lovely in February and asks what time she needs to pick me up at the airport.
Best Week Ever: Jan 12th
"Tripod got her stump amputated and was adopted by a handicapped lady."
-I receive I Myspace message from a 14 year-old boy entitled “Saw you on the DeGrassi Fan Page!” The message read “DeGrassi Rules!” I respond, “It does!” I am still waiting for his reply.
-Kitty Meow, Melissa’s cat has been presumed “no longer with us." He will be missed and loved from Mission Hill to Echo Park. Kitty will be remembered for his fashionable neckties, his sense of adventure, his hearty appetite, and his fondness for naps on Melissa’s bed. To a lot of us, he is the only 17 pound cat we had ever met. For many of us, he may be the only one we ever will meet. We will miss you Kitty.
-Someone “makes” a copy of my ATM card, figures out my password, and takes out ridiculous amounts of cash at Vegas Casinos. I am thinking it is the girl who convinced herself she was me, from last week. I hope she doubled my money and is going to deposit her winnings.
-I heart www.supercult.com. I do. It is a lovely porn site run by my friend Chase. Its latest brilliant PR move involves coercing every one associated with the site, fans, and god knows who else to turn there Myspace photos into the same Viking logo. I commend this. It is brilliant. For the OUTSIDER, It’s some sort of giant awesomeness they want to get in on. For ME, my brain just hurts. My last message to "America's Patrick Martin" is entitled "You people are difficult to differentiate." Did it get to him? I don’t know. Is an actual Viking reading it right now from his castle in the woods? Maybe. I still commend this. I am “raiding inside.”
-Melissa receives an EBay email from a potential customer, regarding a skirt she has up for auction. It is from a 23 year old cross dressing male. He is just checking to make sure she does not have a problem with him bidding on her skirt (which he finds adorable) or his lifestyle. She informs him she thinks he will look “adorable” in it.
-I begin looking into some Pet adoption options for Melissa via the internet. I somehow happen upon www.purrful.com, a well intentioned website offering to place street cats in homes. Its website's creator has an affinity for cats, and I am going to guess “the bottle.” I was particularly interested in the story of one cat that reads as follows, “She had a sister who only had 3 legs and a stump. We called her Tripod. Tripod got her stump amputated and was adopted by a handicapped lady. That was last year's Xmas story. (She) didn't find a parent and remained untamed so now she rules the yard.” And in just 5-7 business days she will arrive on Melissa’s doorstep and rule her yard, as well.
-I work for a friend of mine this week, manning his Silverlake Vintage shop. A customer is sort of wandering around looking at things from a distance. He approaches an ugly crocheted wall hanging and begins sort of looking at it. He turns to me and goes, “How much is this?” I inform him, it’s not for sale and that it is actually just décor. He looks at me and explains, “Oh, I thought it was some sort of fancy top. It looks a lot like your sweater.” I look at my shirt and then back up at the crocheted thing on the wall and respond, “Nope it’s a wall hanging.” I go back to text messaging and he departs.
-I am smoking a cigarette outside of my latest retail establishment this week. I am approached by a man in a suit jacket, with no shirt. He explains, “I am shirtless today to show the man. What man you ask? Well, the one who makes shirts." He points at me and continues down the sidewalk. (I nod.)
-I receive a 35 dollar parking ticket today for offense “Other” which involves parking the opposite way of the rest of the cars on the street.
-To lift Melissa’s spirits we go to the Pasadena SPCA to find her a new cat or “friend.” She fills out some paperwork. We wait for a while. She is called into a room where she meets with an adoption counselor. The adoption counselor does not see Melissa as “good candidate” to adopt the cat she was looking at. Once in the car, Melissa reiterates that she does have a dog, a cat that may have been hit by a car, and a slight Weed habit. She adds, “I am like Kate Moss. I may do a line or two, but I am a fine mother!” I suggest we try one of the city shelters in the morning.
Best Week Ever: Jan 5th
"“May there be many more Best Week Evers in your life. I love you.”-The 17 year old."
-It is pouring rain on New Years Eve in the city of Los Angeles, making it a fantastically drawn out day for a bunch of girls working retail on the eve of another major holiday. Daryl starts screaming that the ticket guy is putting a ticket on my truck. Clarification, he is putting a ticket on my truck in a Ziploc bag. I run out and put money in the meter. He does not care. I then start yelling something along the lines of “You have no heart. It is Christmas Eve. Daryl tries to quietly remind me it is not Christmas CChrCristmas Eve. I announce, “I do not care. It is something Eve, and he is giving me a ticket.” She nods and calls him an asshole.
-I am ringing up a customer at work New Years Eve day. He asks me if he can get a five dollar bill for the five ones he is holding. I begin to obilge, when he stops me. He goes, “I should keep the ones to tip bartenders tonight." I nod and say, “Bartenders? You mean strippers?” He awkwardly tries to explain to me he has only been to a strip club once, and by accident. I smile and hand him his shopping bag.
-Naima purchases me one of the newest and least sold items in our store, as my farewell gift. It is none other than a long sleeved two toned bodysuit, the two tones being grey and red. One of our backstock boys laughs to Naima, “Oh my god, someone bought one of those weird bodysuit things. Tell them there are plenty more!” Naima explains to him that she actually bought it, and for Sarah.
-My current outgoing voicemail message features me going into detail about how I am MIA and will BRB and at that point I will TTYL or RVSP. Yet, the voicemail is a much lengthier version of this, as I am sure you could imagine. (Towards the end, I do admit to sounding drunk.) It has elicited some amazing responses from callers, as well as friends. Megan left a message that goes as follows, “Hi it is your former C.O.W. So that’s coworker, right? So I am like your Cow? That doesn’t sound right?” It then beeps.
-Melissa and I are getting her and her luggage out of the car and into her house, after I have kindly retrieved her, once again from the Airport. She is walking behind me carrying things into the house and inquires whether my ass is hanging out of the bottom of my shorts. I continue walking and respond, “Yes it is.”
-I still have not grown accustomed to being carded for Liquor and Cigarettes in Koreatown. Instead of asking for ID, store clerks sort of yell, “How old are you?” Every time, I have to sort of yell “26” back to them, the clerks looks at me embarrassed and apologize.
-My dad wins an award his senior year in high school for swimming. They call his name and his friends all start clapping. My dad is getting up and hugging people, as he reaches the stage some kid half his size is holding his award and waving to the crowd, convinced he is my dad. He runs off with the trophy and my father tells the story for years to come. It is brought to my attention that there was some girl on Myspace with her entire photo section filled with pictures of me. She did have one or two of her, but the rest apparently were me, from my fake wedding pictures to the cats at the gas station. I am finally able to empathize.
-I decide earlier in the week that I want to move to Austin. I am then reminded that Austin is in fact in Texas.
-At 5 am this morning, Melissa and I are getting coffee and supplies for our day at the Flea Market, at our local 7-11. The dude working is sweeping up an insane amount of Chips and Cheetos that are covering an entire section of the store. I ask him what happened. He just nods at me and smiles. Melissa then shouts to me from across the store, “I asked him if there had been an earthquake in JUST the chip aisle.” I loudly agree, “Maybe.” All three of us nod, and continue on.
-At approximately 6:02 AM, Pulp’s Disco 2000 comes on the radio. I announce, there is no other song I would rather hear at 6 in the morning. I do not think this can be argued with.
-Kitty-Meow, Melissa’s cat is missing. I return a phone call to my dad while we are wandering the streets of Echo Park searching for him. Melissa is yelling “Meow” loudly. My father inquires whether we are actually “Meowing” around the neighborhood hoping to find the cat. I explain that the cat has two names. He is a little confused. I am sure the neighbors are as well.
-Naima includes a few notes on the tag, receipt, and shopping bag of the bodysuit she gave me this week. All of which, I have saved. The receipt portion reads, “May there be many more “Best Week Evers” in your life. I love you.”- Naima (the seventeen year-old)