-Daphne the dog is eating trash off the floor. I opt to feed her. I go into the closet where Pat keeps the dog food. Half crying, I tell Melissa that there is still cat litter in the closet. She looks down at the dog, as I try not to cry and goes, "Nice job, Daphne!"
-Melissa and I are standing at the checkout line in Jasmine Sola on Newbury St. She points to a display of stickers you put over your nipples if you are not the bra wearing type. The package reads "Low lights are for cars." Melissa goes, "Sarah those are for you!"
-At the same checkout line, Melissa spots disposable underwear in small convenient packages. She remarks, "Underwear to keep in your purse? It is like oops I just had sex in my car again!"
-Leah informs me she started smoking. I get really excited, clap my hands and scream, "Yay!"
-Leah, Melissa, and I are sitting in a parked car on the streets of Boston unsure of what we are planning to do next. Leah announces, "Lets go get a drink." Melissa reminds her I stopped drinking. Then they both agree I can just get an O'Douls.
-I woke up in my parents' house one morning to women speaking Spanish, outside the room I am sleeping in. When I finally get up, I realize my mother has hired cleaning people. I step out of the room to try and figure out if they are still there. I see a sign on the door of the room all my belonging are scattered in and I had been sleeping in, it reads "Do not clean!" I then opt to take a shower.
-I force my mom to go out to eat with me at the Cheesecake Factory. We are waiting for our table. I am sort of just staring at the Cheesecake. A little girl next to me tells me she thinks the chocolate one looks the best. I agree with her. I tell her I love chocolate. She then goes, "I hate cheesecake. It tastes weird." The grown up in me tells to inform her that Cheesecake is not weird. It is good. I then turn to my mom and go, "Cheesecake is so gross."
-I am holding my sister's cat. My mom leans over and goes, "Aw Kiki!" I look up sort of startled. My mom realizes what she said. My sister simply rolls her eyes and goes, "Nice job, Mom!"
-My sister storms into my parents' house announcing she has Mono. I get excited. I announce, "Hopefully I caught it from her. Then I can stay here for another month and just sleep on the couch and watch movies!"
-I take one of those airport shuttles home, the other night. Half way into my ride, I realize I am going to be the last one to be dropped off. After two hours, we are still no where near close to dropping me off. I opt to begin making friends with my Haitian shuttle driver, who moonlights as a cosmetologist. I keep complaining how hungry I am. After we drop off the last customer, we decide to go to Jack in the Box. As we are waiting in line he announces, "You are my favorite passenger."
-I am talking to Glen on AIM. I inform him that I am purposely sitting on my phone so someone at work will notice I am doing nothing. They then in turn will tell me I can go home. Glen replies, "Sarah, if I didn't know you. I think I might love you."
-I am telling Star I want to move to Hollywood so I can walk to work. She starts giving me the pros and cons of living in Hollywood. She tells me that sometimes you feel like you are too much in the middle of everything. She goes, "At times, I feel like I might wake up and find Cobrasnake taking pictures from my balcony."
-I arrive at LAX last night and begin talking to one of the promoters. He offers to get me a drink. I inform him I am trying to be sober and no longer drinking. He then stops and goes, "You smell like weed." I reply, "Well, whatever I am not drinking."
-I am standing near the bar last night when some dude starts talking to me. He has no idea why I am not in the least bit interested in what he has to say. He starts going on about how girls are always interested in him. I turn to him and simply respond, "Really?"
-We are throwing a party this Friday at cinespace. You should come. It will be the first Friday of every month. Dan and I are discussing it last night. He announces, "Let's have Stuart DJ the next one." I agree. I then add, "I am going to have Stuart DJ my next birthday party. Dan looks at me confused and goes, "Wait, when is your birthday party?" I reply, "September!"
-Dana informs me she got extensions. I ask her how she likes them. She announces, "I feel like a Mermaid!"
Best Week Ever: December 22nd
"I am not sure I would be able to handle Sarah Morrison on Christmas."
-I walk into work one night, this week. Stuart looks at me strangely and asks me if I cut my hair. I get nervous. I tell him I just cut my bangs before I left the house. He is still staring at me. I get fidgety and start trying to fix them. I am asking him if they look bad. He is sort of nodding and announces, "They look bad." I turn to Jason and ask him about my bangs. He looks at me awkwardly and shrugs. I start to get all flustered and am trying to fix my hair when Stuart grabs me by the shoulders and announces, "Sarah, when boys tell girls they don't look good, it always means they do!"
-I am informing Stuart that in my age I have developed a taste, but more so an appreciation, for men in suits. I start to name several boys I had never looked at otherwise, but when dressed up suddenly became very attractive. He asks me if I think he would look more attractive in a suit. I tell him, "I am not sure. I can not predict who I will find attractive in suits. It just sort of happens." He then points to Luke and goes, "Would you have sex with Luke if he was wearing a suit?" I pause, look at Luke, and announce, "I don't know." Stuart runs over to Luke and screams, "Sarah says he would have sex with you if you were wearing a suit!"
-Stuart, Luke, and I only HEAR the music on Tuesday evening, due to the fact we are downstairs sitting at the door. I suddenly go, "Oh it is DJ AM!" Stuart looks at me like I am stupid and informs me it is Steve Aoki DJing. I shake my head and go, "I bet I am right, go look!" Not believing me, Stuart runs upstairs to prove me wrong. He quickly returns to tell me I am right. He then inquires how I knew that. I simply responded, "He is my favorite DJ!" Stuart replies, "I thought I was your favorite DJ?" I add, "Well, he is my favorite DJ, next to you!"
-A film producer is talking to Megan, our events coordinator at work one evening, during a screening. Their conversation ends and he heads over to where I am standing and asks me if I had worked on the film. I shake my head and tell him I work at cinespace. He looks at me alarmed and goes, "This place has all the girls huh? I mean Megan, she is a knockout. And you! Well, aren't you just adorable!" He then sort of shook me, as I awkwardly smiled.
-I lose my phone at work one evening, sort of intoxicated. Due to my level of intoxication, I am unable to even sort of begin to figure out where I may have left it. Someone eventually finds it sitting on the counter right next to where my purse had been. The next day at work my manager looks at me, smiles, and goes, "Oh look, it is the drunkest girl ever!"
-Sergio my hostess counterpart at cinespace is known for his amazing ability to never be on time for work, or anything ever. I am sitting in the office in the middle of the afternoon, when he walks in. I am confused, due to the fact I have never seen him awake before 4pm. My manager is doing some paperwork and without looking up states, "So, you just decided to come to work six hours early to make up for every single time you have ever been late?"
-My grandparents have moved into a retirement community (which we later find out is in Western Massachusetts) from their home in Connecticut. I write Melissa a text message saying I can not go shopping with her, due to the fact I am going to Connecticut. We are on the phone trying to reschedule, when Melissa asks me what time I am returning from this trip to Connecticut. I go, "I forgot. They actually do not live in Connecticut anymore. They live in a Retirement Community." Melissa adds, "Oh ok! Obviously they don't live in Connecticut anymore! How could I forget how Retirement homes are states of their own!" I simply add, "More like islands of old people."
-I receive a Myspace comment this week that reads, "I want to be just like you when I grown up, except smarter and blonde!"
-I meet up with a girl I had been meaning to meet up with for a while. So we are talking about some buisnessish stuff and somehow end up realizing we know a bunch of the same people. All of a sudden she goes, "Have you heard of that girl Dana DeArmond?" I throw my hands up in the air and go, "Dana is a good friend of mine. Please don't say anything bad about her." She shakes her head and goes, "No, I love Dana!" I simply responded, "Oh you do?
-Stuart is all excited to tell me that he is coming to Massachusetts for Christmas. He does not really know where in Massachusetts he is going, but after some questioning I figure it out for him. I tell him it is not near Boston, but that I am going to see my grandparents and will be right near by. He pauses and announces, "On second thought, I am not sure I would be able to handle Sarah Morrison on Christmas."
-I make friends on my six hour plane ride to Boston today. They are a little drunk when we board. They tell me that they have been hanging out at the airport bar for quite a while. They made a friend at the bar. He apparently is sitting in first class and promises to bring them drinks during the flight. Then the girl turns to me and goes, "Then he asked me if I had any E. Is that weird?" I simply state, "Yes, looking for E at the airport is sort of weird." She nodded.
-Our plane finally lands this evening. And I take out my phone to see what I had missed. Sort of disappointed I turn to the girl next to me, "Only one text message and one email that entire time." She shrugs, "It is Christmas Eve." I agree, "I guess people need each other less on holidays!"
-My mom calls to tell me she is at the airport. She wants to know if I have gotten my bags yet. I go, "Um not yet. I found a Dunkin Donuts counter on the way to Baggage Claim!"
Best Week Ever: December 15th
"Tyra says a real model always keeps going!"
-Florin, Dim Mak records latest intern is leaving. Everyone is talking about how they do not want him to go. I announce, "Stay and be my intern. You can pick out my clothes, return my Myspace messages, and drive Katrina places!"
-Everyone is ridiculously hungover from Monday night's holiday party, Tuesday evening. Megan is confused. She does not understand how people can be hungover at 7pm. I am trying to explain to her how it can happen from time to time. My manager interrupts and simply announces, "It is easier than you think."
-A boy comes in the door Tuesday at work. I am collecting money and sort of only half listening to what he is saying. He goes, "You looked really pretty Sunday." I think he is telling me I look really pretty until I hear the word Sunday. I stop what I am doing and look at him and go, "What?" He repeats, "You looked really pretty Sunday…at LAX." I sort of nodded, weirdly smiled and said, "Oh Ok!"
-I am in the office getting ready for the evening at work. Dave, one of our owners goes, "Smile, Sarah!" .I pause, point at him, and state, "I am saving the smiles for the customers!"
-We get some sort of ridiculous amount of Tab Energy drink delivered to my work. I am looking at it and talking to the delivery boys. I go, "5 calories? They should make someone try to live only on this stuff, for a week." The delivery boys like this idea. I then shrug, "I am not doing a whole lot right now. Come back in a week!"
-I am sitting at the podium at the top of the stairs at work, last night. I am greeting people and sort of pointing them to their tables. The top of the podium is broken. I know this because every time you put any pressure on it, the top falls entirely through and so do you. Not really thinking I lean on it. The top falls through, I fall through, and somehow the entire thing goes crashing forward on to the ground. A group of boys are walking up the stairs at this very moment. They appear slightly alarmed. I sort of step over the thing and tell them I am heading them to their table. The boys are remarking on my ability to play it cool. I go, "Tyra says a real model always keeps going!"
-Melissa is here this week. Melissa smokes weed all day long and often forgets what she is doing. This includes, but is not limited to, her losing lit cigarettes around the house. She informs me she has switched to smoking American Spirits. I ask her why. She tells me that they put themselves out so they can never start a fire. I go, "Oh good, I feel safer!"
-Some drunk dude comes and sits down next to me and begins hitting on me. I am not really paying attention until he says, "Do you think I am handsome?" I look at him sort of confused and go, "Yes?" He then asks, "Are you just saying that?" I nodded, "Yes."
-Melissa writes me a text message asking if Chase brought back the stuff he borrowed. I told her he did. She then wrote, "Was it sexy? Did he bring sexy back?" I did not respond.
-Stuart comes in last night and informs me he is DJing. I get excited and tell him I am his biggest fan. I then add, "Actually, I think I am your only fan."
Best Week Ever: December 8th
"Sarah Morrison, I can see your nipples!"
-It becomes December 5th or something and my landlord writes me a text message sort of suggesting I give him rent. I check my bank account and discover I have 795 dollars. So I write him a check for 790 dollars and hand him a ten dollar bill that I find in the bottom of my purse.
-Brooke informs she is having trouble researching snowboarders because all the sites she is encountering are in German. I tell her that Google has an option to translate websites. I add, "I only know this because when I am bored I Goggle myself. Google translates Italian Teen Vogue's messageboard for me!"
-Ben calls me and leaves me a voicemail detailing this story. He is hanging out with some girl he is sort of into. He realizes he needs gas and stops at a gas station to fill up his car. He is selecting the grade of gas to put in his vehicle when his dream date inquires what year of gas he plans on using. He pauses and confused goes, "What?" She then explains to him that the grades of gas represent the year the gas was "made." With this, they had to part ways.
-The dog is bothering me one evening. I stop what I am doing, look down at her and remark, "We are never going to be friends unless you turn into Kiki."
-Katrina is getting a cell phone. I am signing the paperwork for said telephone. The piece of paper I am filling out has a line that reads "Birth date" then right next to it "Expiration date." I start to laugh and show it to Katrina. She goes, "Oh yay, you get to pick when you want to die!"
-Katrina is writing down things I need to do while I am saying them out loud. I state, "I need to re-call Russ." She says, "I am doing to write down confirm with Russ so you sound smarter."
-Steve Aoki walks in to cinespace Tuesday and I am collecting money at the door. He points at me, walking by me, and announces, "Sarah Morrison, I can see your nipples!" I wave and go, "Welcome to cinespace! Great to see you, too!"
-The only change I am given Tuesday night is ones. I am handing people change for their twenty dollar bills entirely in ones. As I count out fifteen ones for the tenth time, I remark, "Here you go! I was stripping earlier!"
-I am standing at the bar one night at work, waiting for a drink. Some dude next to me offers to buy me a drink. So when the bartender comes over, the gentleman orders. I announce, "He is buying me a drink." The bartender hands me the beer I wanted. I whisper to him, "Look I am saving us money!"
-I am at the door one night and some dude passing by asks my name. I inform him I do not have one. The security dude working the door only half hears the encounter and inquires, "You don't have a phone?" I shake my head and go, "I don't have a name, of course I have a phone!"
-Sean, one of our security dudes and I watch a drunk couple sit on Hollywood Blvd in front of our venue one evening this week. I remark how gross it is that they are sitting there, due to the fact I have watched people puke in that very spot. Sean points to the curb and goes, "I have watched you sit on that curb drunk on Tuesday nights. I have pleaded with you to get up. You just shake your head and tell me to go away." Sort of defeated I go, "I am going home and dry cleaning every single dress I have ever worn on a Tuesday."
-The lamest thing in hipster news this week on Gawker is the fact Steve Aoki has a blog. The second lamest thing is a link to this picture of me and Jason "Them Jeans" Stewart is our matching jackets. Gawker calls us "Eskihomos." I sort of agree.
Best Week Ever: December 1st
"Let's call DJ AM!"
-Katrina stays at my house while I am in Portland. She brings Gina over, without prepping her for the condition of my bedroom. Gina looks around at the clothes all over the floor. She then notices the dresser drawers not in the dresser, but on the floor holding clothes. She looked around at the whole set-up or lack there of and goes, "Why is there nothing in the closet."
-I am on the plane back to Portland. The pilot comes on and informs us we are approaching Los Angeles and we should put away our electronic devices. The guy in the row across from me doesn't seem so into this. The flight attendant approaches him once asking him to put away his laptop. She then asks him twice, then three times. The third time he sort of starts to fake put it away. She gets all worked up and starts telling him he is breaking federal laws and endangering all the passengers. At this point, he just refuses to put the stupid computer away. She starts freaking out. I lean over and go, "Seriously, dude put it away. I will give you a magazine." He quietly puts the computer under his seat and the worked up flight attendant storms off.
-Gina removes Katrina and me off her Myspace "Top 8" this week. She replaces us with Steve Aoki and DJ AM, respectively.
-We host a pre-parade party at cinespace, last Sunday. The highlight of the event for the kids who attended was a table full of kids from various hit Nickelodeon shows, signing autographs. I receive a phone call from some child star's mother, after they had headed off to the parade. She was all worked up because her little celeb lost his cell phone, and apparently he has numbers in it that we would die to get. So, I enlist a bunch of kids to run around and look for it. After approximately five minutes, one of the boys goes, "Why are we looking for his phone? It is probably a 3000 dollar phone. It must have a feature where if he loses it, it like runs back to him." I smile, point at him and remark, "I like you!"
-The organization putting this pre-parade event is giving out toys to children. Correction, they are giving out Barbie sized Jesus, David, and Moses dolls. The dolls recite Bible passages when you press a button on their back. One of the bussers asks, "Who do you think you have to pay for the rights to use Bible passages? Who the hell is making money off these?" I shrug, "The Catholic Church?"
-All my CDs get stolen a while back. Since then, I have only had one CD in my car. It is some Dim Mak records sampler. It has begun to skip. Katrina goes, "Let's call Jacob to get us another one." She then pauses and goes, "Let's call DJ AM!"
-We are watching television and some ad for a new Mel Gibson movie comes on. People begin discussing the weirdness that is Mel Gibson. I simply point at the TV and state, "He is like Borat! He hates Jews!"
-We are at Jesse's party, Friday night. It gets broken up and we head to another location. I sort of half inform Glen where we are headed. I then tell him to call me. Katrina and I had been there for quite a while, when I decide I should check my phone. It reads "8 Missed Calls." I am remarking that all eight missed calls are from Glen, as he walks in the door. He starts to go into some rant about how many times he called me. I am holding the phone and go, "Look, I will call you back right now."
-I write a diary entry about running away. I am telling Katrina about it. I told her how the only thing I brought with me when I ran away was a Spelling Book. She goes, "Ok, I ran away once to my bus stop. What did I bring with me? Um, a pair of pants!"
-Stuart is a DJ! Well, Stuart DJs a party at work Saturday evening. He begins to set up at the DJ booth. He informs me that he has a song that he is going to play just for me. I get the sign halfway through his set that my song is coming up. It was that "Do you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain" song. I told him I loved it.
-Katrina coat checks Saturday night and makes a lot of money. As she is emptying out her tip jar she goes, "Lets go to a real grocery store tomorrow, not 7-11!"
-Ryan the bartender informs me his Improv group is doing a skit on me. Sort of interested, I inquire what it is about. He goes, "Well, it is not necessarily about you but the main character is a disaffected hostess." I inform him to let me know what happens to her.
-Katrina and I are wandering around Rite Aid last night. We each have a pile of strange purchases we do not really need. We walk by the liquor section. Katrina announces, "Let's get beer!" I look at her confused and ask why. She shrugs, "Beer is fun! There is nothing else fun to buy."
-At work on Tuesdays we have a Svedka Vodka promotion. It involves free Vodka and it makes you drunk. Katrina inquires, "Is there a Svedka Rehab?" I go, "They lock you in the closet that Russ uses as his office at Dim Mak." Katrina adds, "Oh, and they feed you through the bars in the window!"
Best Week Ever: November 24th
"You are like Pamela Anderson and he is Borat!"
-As we walk out of the movie theater, I turn to Kelly, hold up the bottom of my dress, and go, "Look, popcorn juice!" She tells me i am being gross. I remind her that popcorn juice is actually just butter. She then asked me to just call it butter, instead.
-A lot of people up here (in Portland) seem to be getting married or engaged, lately. I find the whole phenomenon to be extremely strange. I simply state over dinner one night, "I don't get why people are getting married?" Jamey informs me, "It is because they love each other and they want to have babies."
-We watch the movie Elf one night. I remark once it is finished, "I like Christmas movies. They make me happy I am going to start renting more Christmas movies, maybe it will make me happier."
-Ashley is excited to see me. She announces, "Let's go to American Apparel tomorrow! Every time I go in that place I am like, "I wish I could afford this stuff. I wish Sarah was here!" I look at her confused, "Ashley that stuff is like 12 dollars, full price."
-Brooke is informing a former Yobeat contributor and snowboard photographer extraordinaire that I am in Portland, so "Best Week Ever should be really good this week." He is excited that I am not in LA, and goes, "Tell Sarah we want less "LA," and little more "Boston."
-I am having Brooke read some of my creepy Myspace messages one day. She is reading one where the gentleman details how he loves me and feels like he should be in California because of his love for me. Brooke hands me back the laptop and announces, "You are like Pamela Anderson and he is Borat!"
-Brooke's coffee maker is broken. Brooke's coffee maker appears to be completely fine, but the button to turn it off and on has somehow been completely removed. Brooke insists she is going to run out and buy a new one. I tell her not to because I want to fix the coffee maker myself. After I was unable to accomplish anything with a pen cap, I then try a knife until I shock myself. So I boil water. I pour the water through a colander lined with a paper towel with coffee in it. By the time Brooke returns with the coffee maker, I am drinking coffee. She was recapping the story on the phone to a boy she knows, he responded, "Sarah should be on Yuppie Survivor."
-Brooke is detailing her plans for her Thanksgiving dishes to the staff at Grenade, one afternoon. She begins to list all the dishes she has planned and gets to "hummus." Dave interrupts, "Hummus and Thanksgiving don't really go together."
-We are at the Apple store. I point at a sign in front of me and announce, "If no one steals your Ipod, you can trade it in for a newer model!" A teenage girl nearby starts to laugh and asks, "Someone stole your Ipod?" I turn to her, "Two, actually. I wonder if they traded them in for cooler ones."
-I am telling Mike how I ran into Travis one night, at my work. Travis and I discuss how high school actually was not that bad, due the amount of losers and geeks we had to be friends with. Most schools only have a few, but our high school had a lot. Mike laughs. I add, "I didn't even have boobs until like seventh grade. (I pause) Wait actually, I still don't have boobs."
-Steve Aoki's AIM account gets hacked. I suspect this after I receive several "holla" type messages. I did personally enjoy when the hacker called me "shorty" And, I replied, "I am taller than you."
-I am at some convenience store last night buying ice cream and candy and whatnot. The lady is ringing up my purchases and I ask her if I can get a pack of Parliament lights, as well. She simply shakes her head, gives me the total for my purchases, and says "No." I stop sort of startled and say, "Wait, I want cigarettes though. Can I get Marlboro lights or something else maybe?" She looks at me irritated and confused, and goes, "I guess."
-We are watching Matt Lauer and Meredith Viera trying not to look completely miserable hosting the Thanksgiving parade this morning, in the rain. I go, "Katie Couric is probably sitting at home, watching this in her pajamas, and like pointing and laughing at the television."
-The five year old at our Thanksgiving celebration today gives us a rundown of the gender of all her pets. The cat is a boy, the two dogs are girls, and she is not sure about the fish. She then goes on, "Mom is a girl. Dad is a boy. I am a girl. You are a girl. And, even Brooke is a girl!"
Best Week Ever: November 17th
"Why doesn't God just shoot me in the face with a hammer!"
-Each week, I finish cinespace's update then email it to our owners to proof read and approve, before I post it. Dave, one of our venue's owners happened to be sitting on the patio. So, when I finished this week's update, I simply walked my laptop over and handed it to him. I told him I felt like it seemed silly to email when I could hand deliver it, like in the olden days. He then added, "Really Sarah, I should thank you for saving us on Broadband."
-Katrina and I are picking her boyfriend up at the airport. We opt to park instead, of the always interesting curbside pick-up. We decide we are going to smoke weed before walking to the terminal. I then pause and voice my concerns about smoking weed at the airport. Katrina ignores me. I go, "There are probably cameras everywhere." She is still ignoring me. I then announce, "You will see when we go to pay for parking and it is 200 dollars. You will be like, "Wait we were only here a few minutes?" The parking person will say, 'Yeah, well we saw you smoking weed."
-Cory Kennedy texts me while we are still at the airport. It reads something like "Tonight LAX! Go it will be sooo fun." I turn to Katrina, read the message out loud, and suggest we write back "Already there! What terminal?"
-I inform my roommate Pat that I am going to Portland. I then mumble something about how there is no reason to tell him I am going. "It is not like I have a cat to take care of or anything." I then begin to wander out of the room. Pat announces, "I will tell you why you should tell me you are going to Portland. So, I do not think you are…I don't know DEAD."
-Stuart is eating a Pear, at lunch the other day. All of a sudden, he stops and pauses, turns to me and asks, "Am I eating an Apple or a Pear, right now?" I inform him it is a Pear.
-I have several boys labeled in my phone as "Don't Pick Up," for various reasons. Lately, calls I have been avoiding have turned from boys to Credit Card companies, due to the fact I have no money to pay them. I finally labeled both MasterCard and Discover as "Don't pick up." Visa has yet to bother me.
-I told Mike I was coming to visit. He asked me if I had told anyone else yet. I go, "I called Kelly and Jamey. That's everybody in Portland, right?" He responded, "Yes, Sarah those are actually the only two other people who live in this city."
-Mike then asked if I was going home for Thanksgiving. I quickly responded, "No are you?" Then I stopped, "I am sorry. Your parents moved. I forgot. Is this a touchy subject?"
-I go to the airline counter to check in for my flight. The gentleman behind the counter goes, "Sarah Morrison: destination Honolulu." I shake my head and say, "I am supposed to be going to Portland. Plus, I can't really go to Honolulu. I did not bring a bathing suit."
-I may have lost the Beauty Pageant, a few weeks back. But according to reports, there are photos of me during my talent competition, as well as Gina and Katrina in their Team Morrison shirts in this week's LA Weekly. And, not a single picture of the Pageant winner. Losers are always cooler.
-I finally pay my Discover Card bill, today. So I opt to pick up their 9th phone call of the day, around noon. The lady on the other end wants to update my account info. She inquires, "Is there an individual close to you that you will give us permission to discuss your account with?" I tell her, "Depressingly enough, no." She pauses, laughs, and then tells me she is sorry." I go, "Eh, I am OK with it!"
-I am sitting in the office of uber-hip Snowboarding apparel company Grenade, today for quite a while. One dude gets upset that he has been selected to go out and pick up lunch. He is mumbling something, and then kicks open the door, and yells, "Why doesn't God just shoot me in the face with a hammer!" The door slams. A boy sitting at a near by desk asks, "Did he just ask us to shoot him in the face with a hammer?" I shake my head, "No, he asked God to."
-Brooke is on the phone with Jason this afternoon. Jason has managed to get married and move to Chicago, since the last time I saw him single and living in the Northwest, a few months ago. I get on the phone and inform him that I had announced this morning, "It would be funner, if Jason was here." I then added, "It would also be funner if Kiki was here."
Best Week Ever: November 10th
"I thought I was coming to save you, but I don't think you really needed too be saved."
-I lost the Beauty Pageant Sunday night. I was told by Judge Jesse Camp that he and Preston had my vote. But, Preston and Jesse Camp don't make you a winner, apparently. There is a video of me very intoxicated at the Dim Mak office, late Sunday discussing my loss that will appear on YouTube soon. I barely remember the video being taken, so this should be must a "view."
-Katrina and Gina wore homemade "Team Morrison" t-shirts to Sunday's Beauty Pageant. They were one of the few that actually came to said event. Jacob and Hoon had made comparable awesome t-shirts, but Jacob was not let in. I did tell security he was my little brother.
-Katrina and I are standing outside of cinespace smoking at 5:00pm. Some dude waiting for the bus inquires what is going on inside. He asks, "So what is in there, a rave?" Katrina starts to laugh. I simply respond, "Yes, a rave." He continues, "You guys just stumbled out of there, huh?" We both nodded.
-I enter my local 711 for my weekly grocery shopping. The cashier is excited to see me. We make conversation for a bit. I then wander around picking out bags of chips and candy that will make my dinner for the week. When it is time to ring me up he throws his hands up in the air and announces, "Everything is free!" I inform him it is not. He goes, "I have been drinking since 7. I go, "Tonight?" He responds, "No this morning!"
-Ryan one of our lovely bartenders at cinespace, decides he is going to find me a "man." He is the "pirate" last week, concerned about my disaffected nature. I inquire why exactly. He tells me that he thinks something needs to "affect" me.
-I have been sick for more than a month and this has become a concern of most of my fellow employees. So, I cough and some sort of "piece of cough" hits Sergio in the face, as he is sitting a few feet away from me. He starts screaming and yelling. I simply inform him, "I am a sick superhero and this is my super power."
-I am at a market near my house and am supposed to purchase some sort of alcoholic beverage. I am staring at the beer selection, when some thugged out teenage boys approach me wanting to "party." I inform them I am all set, but continue to talk to the boys. Some guy comes along, grabs my arm, and informs the boys that he is my boyfriend. After the teenagers disperse, he tells me, "I thought I was coming to save you, but I don't think you really needed too be saved."
-We host an event for Kevin Smith's new documentary, the other night at work. The gentleman running the event informs me he is my biggest fan, loves my columns, and is a member of my fan club. We then take a photo together for his Myspace. My manager comes by as we are posed for our photo, I state, "He is a member of my fan club. You are not." My manager rolls his eyes and continues on.
-My manger at work, comes into the office and requests that one of us give him the updated sheet on the events for the evening. Megan inquires when he needs it. He replies, "Immediately, if not sooner," and walks out of the room.
-Someone mentioned going to Beauty Bar late one evening this week. I informed them that I would not being going; due to the fact I was boycotting Beauty Bar because of my contest lost. Jacob screamed, "We will never go to Beauty Bar again!"
-I am walking by a bunch of boys Tuesday night. One of them yells "Happy Birthday." Then the others begin to chime in. I yell, "It is not my Birthday!" Then one of them responds, "Every Tuesday is your birthday party!"
-Verdell calls and tells me she has bought some pair of shoes that I must see. She informs me that she has emailed me photos. She tells me, "I may not be able to walk in them, but I want them to bury me in them." She goes on, "Make sure I have some sort of casket with a see through bottom, just enough to see my shoes." I agreed to do so.
-Britney and Kevin split. We are all devastated by the news. I saw in on TV, and then only moments later, I was informed my internet porn sensation Dana DeArmond, "Oh my god Brit and Kfed went the way of Burt and Lonnie!" We miss you Lonnie.
-Verdell informs me that she had a friend over this week, who needed a tampon. The friend asked where the tampons were. She informs her that they were kept behind the towels in said closet. She asked Verdell why she kept them behind the towels. Verdell simply explained, "They are super. I don't want guys to think I have a big vagina."
-I am a YouTube sensation. If you have missed a single Video Blog, you are out of the loop. Go check them out. Sometimes I think, sometimes I think out loud.
Best Week Ever: November 3rd
"Look at what Sarah is wearing now! It can all be yours next season!"
-Still unsure of my "the future" costume for Pat's Halloween party; I announce that I am going to be Kiki. Pat rolls his eyes, sort of laughing. He than demands that this not happen. I tell him it will be cute. I will wear a collar that says "Kiki. I run away a lot," like the one she had. I go, "At some point in the night, you will probably find me passed out in my Kiki costume on the bathroom floor, with a bottle of Vodka in my hand!" Pat shakes his head and walks away.
-Pat has a Halloween party Saturday night. Initially I was into, but then opted to uninvite everyone I actually knew and sit in the back on the computer. I went in the house at 2 am, to use the bathroom and eat pizza. I ate my pizza then waited to get in the fridge, while two drunk dudes were scoping out its contents for anything that had alcohol in it. I pushed them aside, and grabbed a carton of milk. I drank some, then put it back. The boys stood straight up and looked at me admiringly. Then one announced, "You just drank Milk. That was awesome." I go, "You can have some!"
-Katrina asks one of our bartenders what he "is" Sunday, for early Halloween. He tells her he is a pirate. I look at him again to see how exactly he is a pirate. He points at me and announces, "And, Sarah is…I know…disaffected!"
-Katrina and I clean my room. In the process, I pull out all the clothes I no longer wear. I fill an entire trash bag and offer them to Katrina and Dora. Katrina does very well with the bags contents. She has worn a completely "new" outfit each day this week, of clothing that formerly belonged to me. Someone tells her they like her dress, at work one night. She announces, "I should take pictures of me wearing all your clothes and post a blog of me in all these outfits. I will be like look at what Sarah is wearing now! It can all be yours next season!"
-I am smoking a cigarette on the patio, at work one evening. A gentleman comes over and asks if I mind if he shares my ashtray. I look down and see it full of cigarette butts. I respond, "Well, it looks like others have shared it before. So, why not!"
-I am telling Stuart I was disappointed in the whole Halloween thing (where Dora takes off and takes off her Power Puff girls' outfit, leaving only two Power Puff girls.) He responds, "Sarah, this is why you should not be hanging out with 18 year olds."
-Another disappointment and one of more significance, Dan does not dress up at me, like he promised. He was G.I. Joe or something comparable. I inform him, "You know this means you are going to have to dress up as me for Thanksgiving!"
-I remind Jacob that my Beauty Bar Beauty Contest Semifinals are Sunday night. I instruct him to be there. I tell him I want to make sure everyone cheers the loudest for me. He goes, "I am going to wear a Sarah Morrison t-shirt!"
-Melissa is all worked up about the cable bill. I am supposed to drive to Eagle Rock and put it in my name. This is supposed to be on the top on my nonexistent "to-do list." After another message about it, Katrina remarks, "I don't even ever see you guys watching TV." I reply, "Yeah, I really only watch Sex and the City DVDs."
-Mike sends me some camera phone picture of "Sarah M + Mat B" carved in cement. He inquires, "So who is Mat B?" Mat if you are out there, call me. Mike has my number.
-Some boy I work with comes over to me and begins staring at my jacket. He inquires, "What is that made of?" I go, "I don't know…jacket?
-I am verbally relaying a phone message to Christian, today at work. I am sort of talking in circles, but I get what I am trying to say. I also think Christian understood it somehow. Stuart is staring at me the entire time. Once I finish he goes, "Christian, if you did not understand that, she can type it up in a blog and you can read it on the internet. Or, better yet she can video tape herself explaining it and you can go watch it on YouTube!"
-My manager walks in to the office today. I am sitting and staring at a giant picture of Kiki on my laptop. He looks to see what I am doing. I go, "Want to look at pictures of my dead cat?"
Best Week Ever: October 20th
"I thought it was important. You were wearing glasses."
-Katrina and I are discussing ideas for inventions that we both have. I let her in on my caffeinated toothpaste idea. She discusses some of her concerns with my product, which I defend. She then inquires, "What is it going to be called?" I stop to think for a second. Then Katrina announces, "I know! Best Toothpaste Ever!"
-I have had a cold off and on for what is starting to seem like forever. I inform my fellow employees at work that I wish they made nose tampons, for runny noses. We then decide that they could market them as "Tamponose."
-We end up in Orange County or as I like to call it Mexico at some new dance night. Luke, Jacob, and Florin all show up, as well. Luke and I use the remainder of Cory Kennedy's drink tickets. Later, he is over at the bar buying her a drink. He yells to Katrina, "Ask Sarah, what Cory is drinking?" Katrina yells back, "Alcohol!"
-We play the "who should drive home game," after the Orange County festivities come to a close. I inform the carpool that I have only had two beers, but I do not have my glasses. I announce, "Me driving without glasses is like I had four beers."
-I arrive at work in a grey t-shirt, red slip, green tights, and gold bra. I had changed my tights from purple to green at the last minute, due to a run in the other pair. Not until I arrive at work and encounter my coworkers, do I realize I look like some sort of holiday elf, or walking Christmas tree. I am in the kitchen, putting a cake away in the walk in freezer. My manager, who has not yet commented on my ensemble, opens the door and yells, "Sarah what are you doing? Is Santa in there?"
-Twenty something people are sitting in one room socializing, after cinespace gets out Tuesday evening. It is decided that a cab needs to be called, in order to get a bunch of girls back to their car. As one intoxicated person after another screams the address into the speaker phone, things keep getting worse. More people start yelling. After calling the cab company numerous times, and them hanging up, the group began to feel defeated. Until one boy I know quietly remarked, "Why don't you take it off speak phone?" Everyone sort of looked at him like he was a genius and the cab was called successfully.
-One of our owners at work comes over and asks me how I am doing. I sort of unenthusiastically reply, "Great." He adds, "You don't sound like you are doing great." I point at him, and go, "And, that is why I am a hostess, not an actress."
-I go over to Katrina's house one afternoon looking for her. Her boyfriend answers the door, then goes to get her for me. She comes to the door looking sort of concerned. I tell her I want her to go to this thing at Vine Bar with me. She relaxes and runs to get her stuff. Her boyfriend shrugged, "I thought it was important. You were wearing glasses."
-The office door at Dim Mak gets locked from the inside. Poor Jacob can not get in to sleep. People are shoving library cards and video store cards in the door to try to get it open. I give Ron my maxed out MasterCard to use. We leave the door with all the cards wedged in it, give up, and return to my house. I receive an inquiry from a boy who works there as to why my MasterCard is sitting on his desk. I explain the situation. I inform him he can throw it out or carry it around in his wallet. He tells me he is going to carry it around in his wallet and flash it to try to get into clubs.
-I run into Alec at Beauty Bar. Alec lives in San Diego. He is one of my brothers old roommates, or as I commonly refer to him, "my Jewish brother." I had not seen him in a year or so. He was in LA on business. I was excited to see him. I go, "This is so much better than running into my actual brother!"
-We are discussing that dance night in Orange County we went on that field trip to. A boy I know who did not attend, remarked, "I want to go! I love sixteen year old girls." I turn to him and announce, "You do not have to go all the way to Orange County. There are sixteen year olds, right here at the mall!"
-I am pouring Katrina a drink, Friday night. I point to the cup, asking if she wants me to fill it up more. She goes, "Just leave room for the straw!"
Best Week Ever: October 13th
"You are like Bettie Page, but you don't live in a trailer."
-Stuart inquires why I am not drinking on Tuesday evening, as I hold a water at 11pm. I go, "I threw up last Tuesday." Drink in hand, he shrugs and announces, "I threw up Saturday."
-A girl I know shows up Tuesday evening at cinespace, with a bunch of her friends I had never met. She introduces me to all of them, then announces, "And this is Sarah. She is famous."
-I have to have a talk with Dora about security's issue with her standing on the couches on Tuesday evenings at my place of employment. She agrees to stay on the floor the entire evening. I am waiting to get paid as we are closing. Dora comes over to me and informs me she did not stand on a single couch the entire evening. She then adds, "You would be really proud of me. I have actually been telling other people to get off the furniture too."
-We are playing Black Jack late one evening this week. Dan sort of intoxicated is sitting two people away from me, chanting "Sarah Morrison is so hot." Steve informs him that I am sitting two chairs away, which Dan knows. Each time it comes around to Dan's turn, and his choice whether to "hit him or not." He announces, "Sarah Morrison me, and slams his hand down or the table. He then lost a few hundred dollars.
-Ron and I are discussing how we met. A boy we both know is enjoying the story. He motions to Ron to get his camera out and offers to take a picture of the two of us. Both of us shake our heads. Ron announces, "There are enough pictures of the two of us." I agree, "Like we already have the entire slide show for the wedding, at this point."
-Katrina is approached by two drunk dudes hitting on her. One of them remarks, "You look fucking awesome." Knowing exactly what he said, Katrina looks at him outraged and states, "I do not look like a fucking possum," and storms off.
-Steve from 90210 attended some sort of event yesterday at my work. I was going to ask to get a picture with him, but couldn't find him in the crowd. When he was exiting, I yelled, "Bye Steve!" Ginger said he turned around and looked "a little pissed."
-The floor of my truck is covered in crap. There is a set of dishes, a bunch of magazines, some extra clothes, a lot of empty Starbucks cups, and a bunch of other stuff I have not really acknowledged in a while. Jacob and I drive back from cinespace the other night and park on Fountain. The next day I notice one Marc Jacobs' shoe on the floor and am unable to find its match. After work, Katrina and I decide to drive back to where Jacob and I had parked the previous evening, hoping by some strange chance the shoe was actually there. When we pull up, we see the shoe. The two of us started screaming and yelling. I go, "This is like Cinderella!" Now I get to find Price Charming!" I then pause as Katrina and I try to put the pieces of the actual Cinderella story together. We come to the realization that the prince was supposed to find the shoe. Katrina convinced that Stuart and I am supposed to live happily ever after together announces, "We have to hide the shoe, so Stuart can find it!"
-Jason and I are discussing some work stuff this morning. At some point, I am talking about our respective roles in the task at hand. Jason announces, "You are a valuable asset." Flattered I go, "No, you are a valuable asset!"
-Katrina and I drive by a convertible today with two children in the backseat. She announces, "I would never drive with my kids in a convertible. I would be afraid they would fly out."
-Katrina and I are walking up Ivar today. I hear someone yell "Sarah Morrison," and see a car slowing down. I look at the car, and the girl begins to roll her window down. I do not recognize her. I wait for her to say something. She just starts laughing, points at me and yells, "The internet!"
-I am expressing my concern over people pulling my writing and photos and using them without my consent. I explain the whole ordeal to Katrina, after I get off the phone with a boy who is helping me sort out some of the matter at hand. Katrina pauses then announces, "You are like Bettie Page, but you don't live in a trailer."
Best Week Ever: October 6th
"Something bad happened."
-We end up short on servers Monday evening, at work. My manager informs me I have a half an hour to sort of learn how to put orders in the computer because I will be waitressing during dinner. I look at him like I want to run away. He is giving me a sort of run down on how we are going to make this work and is laughing. I pause and ask, "Are you laughing?" He adds, "Sarah, I am only laughing to prevent you from crying."
-I am watching a movie in the back Tuesday, when Stuart text messages me informing me that he is running late. He asks me to go set up the door downstairs. I tell him that one of the security guys already brought everything down. He then instructs me to "bring it back up stairs and do it again."
-Stuart and I are discussing the events of the evening prior, in the office one afternoon this week. Megan turns to us and asks us to stop gossiping. Stuart goes, "It is not gossiping, when we are talking about ourselves.
-Dora and I are sitting on the patio as security is kicking people out, late Tuesday evening. One of our owner's comes and sits down next to us and jokingly tells us we have to leave. As which point Dora goes, "Sarah works here! She does cinespace's Myspace profile!"
-Dora and I are talking to two boys she knows that are twins. I inform them that Dora and I are also twins. Even know I am a brunette and she is a blonde. We are ten years apart in age, and she lives in the Valley.
-I am doing the door Friday night at work. Some guy comes in, hands me his ticket, and announces, "If you are not famous, you should be." I look up, point at him, and go, "I like you!"
-Friday evening, a girl I know shows up at cinespace, while I am working the door. She tells me she wants to introduce me to the boy she is out with. I do not inform her she introduced him to me Tuesday evening, and just go along with it. He shakes my hand and looks at me like he recognizes me. I go, "I met you on Tuesday. I was in this exact spot and you were standing right there. He goes, "You look different." I inform him, "I changed my clothes."
-Katrina and I are in the car one day. She remarks that she is having fun, during our day's adventures. I pause and go, "It would be funner if Kiki was here."
-I take Katrina to the doctors at some insanely early hour, Saturday morning. We are sitting in the waiting room, when some guy delivers a newspaper. The newspaper is entirely in Chinese. Katrina holds it up. There is a giant picture of some building collapsing on the front page. I announce that I will read it. I point to the Chinese headline, and read outloud, "Something bad happened."
-Sara one of our waitresses at work, disappears for a month. She returns last night and is asking me for a recap on work. She asks me what's new. What has changed? I pause and think for a moment and announce, "Oh, Ginger makes pot Brownies, now!"
-My bedroom door has one doorknob. So, when I shut it I have to make sure I turn the doorknob around. Since this is a task I am unable to keep up with, my roommates have simply grown accustomed to me climbing out my window and coming in the front door when I have locked myself in my room. Pat returned home today from errands excited and informed me he bought me a present. I yelled, "A Kiki cat?" He announced, "A doorknob!"
-I decide to look on Craigslist for a cat. I find a story of this cat that had been rescued during hurricane Katrina and nearly dead. The family saved her and now they are moving overseas. I send them an email expressing my interest in the kitty. I am telling my mom how I feel like this cat and I are destined to be together. I remind her that I rescued Kiki also, when I took her from Oregon from Mark and Jamey's house. My mom goes, "You rescued her? From what, Mark?"
-Pat and his girlfriend walk in the livingroom, as I am on the phone with Brooke. Brooke is giving me the rundown on her week. It becomes my turn and I announce, "I went to the gynecologist and I threw up on Tuesday night." They laughed and walked out of the room, but Brooke seemed impressed.
Best Week Ever: September 29th
"Someone killed my cat for my birthday!"
-Katrina and I are talking and I am apparently half listening. She says, "They are like relax and all of a sudden WHAM!" I add, "And, you are like um I thought we were just kissing?" She looks at me confused and informs me, "I was talking about the gynecologist."
-I am purchasing a pack of cigarettes at a local liquor store. The guy ringing me up asks, "How old are you?" I hand him my license. He laughs and announces, "You are old enough to buy anything!" I smile and go, "Thanks!"
-Dora calls while Katrina and I are driving down Cahuenga looking for parking. She asks me if i am at cinespace yet. I inform her that "Me and Cahuenga are looking for parking."
-Katrina and I are watching some E! show. They are showing these new purses with a fluorescent light around the lining, so you are able to see inside your bag. All the purses they show are little. I remark that they should make big bags. Big bags are the ones that really need it. Then Katrina reminds me that a little fluorescent light would not help a bag the size of the ones we carry around. I announce, "My bag would need a chandelier." Katrina adds, "Mine would need a small man carrying a flashlight."
-Katrina and I decide to play a game. It goes like this, one of us says a number and the other person has to go to through their Myspace comments to that respective page. You then have to respond to a question or comment someone wrote months or years ago, and post a response to it on *said* person's page. One of the first comments I randomly respond to is from John in June. It reads, "I am in big trouble!" I comment back, "So are we!" John quickly writes back, "So are we? What are you talking about? Are you high again?" And, with that John won the game.
-Katrina and I are sitting in my front yard. I am complaining about the parking situation by the house and suggest we should start taking the bus to work. Katrina gets excited and announces, "Yeah, the bus is like a dollar!" I add, "And if we end up in Hollywood at four in the morning, we can take a cab home." Katrina pauses, and then reminds me, "Wait that's not a dollar."
-I work the door on Tuesdays with Stuart. He is wandering around cinespace looking for me, as it approaches 10 pm Tuesday. I realize the time, but I am watching a movie in the back when he finds me. I lean over and go, "Do you need me?" He tells me "Soon." I go, "Do you want me to come now?" He shrugs and goes, "Five minutes." Katrina sort of laughing and sort of alarmed asks, "Do you want me to leave you guys alone?"
-Stuart gets evicted from his house the day before his birthday. I try to make him feel better and announce, "Someone killed my cat for my birthday!"
-Jason and I are in a meeting at work about a new promotion we have going. They ask me how I am planning to promote the evening being discussed. I announce, "Myspace, I have like 9000 friends." Jason goes, "That is a lot for a girl who does not take her clothes off." They then ask what my market is. To which I respond, "Well, 90 percent of them are girls, and ten percent of them are guys that would like me to take my clothes off."
-Katrina takes a picture of Stuart and me working the door, Tuesday night. We both head over to the camera to see the photo. She goes, "Aw you guys would make a cute couple!" To which Stuart responds, "We would either make a really cute couple or a really great brother and sister. No one is sure, yet."
-My dad is in the San Diego County area on business. I drive down to San Clemente to meet him this week. I arrive to where we are planning to meet. I get out of the truck and start to look around. A gentleman nearby looks at my truck, my Massachusetts plates, then announces, "You are from home." I nod and respond, "And, a little homesick."
-My dad and I are eating lunch at the beach. I am telling him that I think I have a cavity or something. I go, "My tooth is bleeding." He announces, "Sarah, teeth don't bleed."
-Steve Aoki shows up at cinespace and I am not there. Katrina is there by herself. He looks at her confused and goes, "Wait, do you work here?" She tells him that she does. He goes, "I thought you just sat here and hung out with Sarah."
-Katrina and I decide we are going to take a road trip. I can not think of anywhere we should go. She announces, "the Grand Canyon!" She decides to ask people how far the Grand Canyon is from LA. The first girl she asks tells her it is 36 hours away. Katrina looks at the girl alarmed. I roll my eyes and go, "We could be in Boston in 36 hours. I will take you to the Grand Canyon."
Best Week Ever: September 22nd
"I love you, but if you don't die, I am taking it back."
-Melissa, Will, and I are out at dinner in Austin. Will asks Melissa if she has ever told me that she loves me. She starts laughing uncomfortably. He instructs her to tell me right then and there that she loves me. She does not. I go, "I could die on the plane back to LA tomorrow. She responds, "I love you, but if you don't die, I am taking it back."
-I arrive at LAX, after sleeping most of the plane ride on my tray table. I get off the plane and spot a Starbucks, so I enter its Space Mountain-esque line and wait for my turn. The guy in front of me is some sort of Evangelist and is handing out pamphlets from his place in line to those surrounding me. And, with that I was back in Los Angeles.
-I am waiting for Katrina to pick me up from the airport, before I realize that she is not actually coming, nor is anyone else. I am sitting on my luggage in the median area, where people wait for rental shuttles and whatnot. Some police officer asks me if I am getting on a shuttle. I tell him I am not. He tells me if I do not move back to the airport sidewalk he will write me a 65 dollar ticket. I shrug and say, "That's fine." He walks away going, "I will write it up if you don't move." I yell, "Fine." He never returns.
-I arrive home and discover my house has hosted some sort of giant party the previous evening. Melissa and Kiki are gone, and everything is in disarray. My luggage is still in the driveway, so I throw it in the back of my truck and drive south, until I get hungry and tired. I find a motel somewhere near San Diego. I paid for one night initially, but ended up staying two. I like motel rooms. They have no discernable past. Homes have stories. Motels don't talk.
-I begin working on my website while in exile. I needed a Kinko's to scan some old photos. So, I Mapquested the closest one and headed over there. After returning, I receive a Myspace message from a girl telling me she just saw me at a Kinko's in Oceanside and was "too starstruck" to say Hi.
-Have you been reading my diary? You should be. It is a collection of stories from the past and present. I am adding them periodically each week. With each story, you begin to understand who I am and how I got here. I recommend it. It is called thesarahmorrison.com.
-I tell my manager at work that I am running home to change before I work the door, Tuesday night. He goes, "Do they pay you to do that?" I stare at him confused and go, "Yes they pay me. I do not work for free. I am not a Girl Scout."
-I am waiting for Stuart Tuesday night outside the office. Some very drunk boy approaches me and asks me if I know him. I tell him I do not. He goes on to ask if I am "Sarah Morrison." I nod. He goes, "I thought I met you two weeks ago. This girl told me she was you." Confused I say, "She said she was "Sarah Morrison?" He shakes his head, "No, she said her name was Vanessa."
-I am on my way out of cinespace at like 2 something, and my hand is grabbed by a boy I know. He is pulling my arm and insisting I come with him to a party that "Paris is at." I pull away and inform him I am going home. He looks at me confused and asks, "What is wrong with you tonight?" I shrug, "I am trying to be a grown up this week."
-One of my owners at work comes over to congratulate me on some sort of minor accomplishment, this week. I knew exactly what he was referring to yet responded, "On what? My cat dying?" He tried not to laugh and said, "No, Sarah not on your cat dying."
-I mention something about being 27 to Stuart, who reminds me he is also 27. I then remind him he is almost 28. He informs me he is planning to stay 27 forever. I tell him I would like to be 23 forever. He then tells me he likes 27. He continues, "You are not too old to get the young girls, and the older girls still want you." I look at him like he is insane and continue what I was doing.
-Katrina calls to see if I can pick her up from work. She then asks if I can call her boyfriend to see if he can pick her up, instead. I am leaving a message for Blake detailing that I dropped off Katrina at work and that she needs a ride home. I go on to tell him that one of us needs to pick her up, and that he needs to call me back as soon as possible. I then realize what I am saying and go, "I feel like we are an amicably divorced couple with shared custody of the kids."
-EJ is moving to NYC. He asks me for my email in case I ever get off of Myspace. I am writing it down when I pause and announce, "If I ever disappear from Myspace something is horribly wrong. I suggest calling the Cops." I then finished writing down my email, and hand him back his notebook.
-I am squatting on the ground behind the host stand at work surrounded by cases of beer that need to be relocated, when Stuart comes over. He inquires, "Is there a barback here?" I shake my head and point across the room and inform that "the bar is over there."
-Apparently I have a fan club. It looks sort of awesome. I have no idea who is doing it, but who ever they are I sort of like them. Be their friend because having a fan club with 14 friends is sort of depressing.
Best Week Ever: September 15th
"I know you are not happy, but pretend to be happy. Americans are supposed to be happy."
-Katrina and I are in a local retail establishment shopping and visiting with Jessica. Jessica asks me about the status of some boy we all know that I had accidentally made out with a few times, and is notorious for doing the above and being an asshole about it. Katrina goes, "She announced she was deleting him out of her phone." I nodded. Jessica goes, "Oh good Sarah. Then you would never see him again!"
-I am walking down Hollywood Blvd, after work Friday evening at approximately 2am. I am approached by some young boy. He asks me what I am doing. I tell him that I am leaving work. He then inquires, "Where do you work? A lingerie store?" To which I respond, "Yes, a lingerie store."
-I am squatting on the ground flipping through the new La Weekly looking for an ad I am in at 2:30 am, in front of that news stand on Cahuenga. I am discovered by a drunk gentleman I know, who decides to keep me company. Drunk club goers seem to sort of be successfully maneuvering around me, so I opt not too move. A group of dudes stumble upon me, and one of them announces, "Don't sit like that, if you are going to dress like that." My drunk gentleman friend quickly yells back, "Don't talk like that, if you have been drinking!"
-Katrina and I are in my truck, due to the fact Melissa has returned and taken her car from me. As most that have seen my truck could tell you, it is simply a place to hold whatever items I was unable to fit in my storage unit. As Katrina admires the dishes, scale, and other household items she inquires, "Can I smoke in here?" I start laughing and nod. She adds, "Well, I didn't want to contaminate the Spatula."
-Katrina and I pull up at a light in front of a Starbucks with outside seating. She points at a table in front of the Starbucks and asks," Is that Jason?" We both proceed to yell "Jason" and laugh uncontrollably. He waves and laughs back, making fun of us. After we drive off, Katrina remarks, "I did not think that was Jason. He looked smaller. Maybe it was because he was sitting down."
-Melissa text messages me informing me that one of the neighbors just called her "pensive."
-Katrina and I arrive at work and tell Ginger of the awkward stoplight encounter with Jason. We kept telling her it was just so weird. She finally stops us and goes, "Why was it so weird? Starbucks is probably the most common place you could run in to someone." I shrug, "I think maybe it was because we were in a car and he was not?"
-Some dude asks me for change, the other day. I tell him I do not have any because I put it all in my meter. He then informs me of his plan to put super glue in all meter coins slots. I add, "Super glue is too expensive." He points at me and announces, "Not if I steal it." I tell him that I like him. He then asks me if I want to be his girlfriend. I inform him I have to go to work, but maybe later.
-I run into a boy I know unexpectedly at the flea market, as we are starting to clean up. He heads over to hug me, I warn, "I have been here since 5 am and just woke up from a nap in the backseat of the car. He hugs me and responds, "And, that is exactly what you smell like."
-I return home from the flea market and find that Kiki got hit by a car, or took a nap under a car that did not notice her. She was not alive and there were ants all over her. I had to touch her to make sure. I cried a lot. I did not speak for 24 hours, until I arrived at cinespace Monday night. Then the week got progressively worse, but we will keep it PG. Kiki died this week, and I will miss her forever.
-Discover card calls me this week informing me I owe them 120 something dollars. I inquire how on earth I could possibly owe them that amount due to the fact my monthly payments are usually 20 something dollars. They tell me I never paid August's bill, therefore there is a late charge. They then tell me September's payment is overdue and it has a late fee attached as well. I go, "I seriously owe you people that much money for my DISCOVER card?" He tells me I do. I pause and announce, "My cat just died," then hang up.
-We are about to leave for Texas early Thursday morning. I am bringing my stuff out to the car, half asleep when, something bad happens that I will not discuss because Melissa is editing this before I post it making sure it is "not depressing." I sort of lose it and take a bunch of Dramamine and sleep for a while. I wake up in the car and Melissa informs me it is 2 pm and that I am in Arizona. She goes, "You just woke up hours and hours later, in another state? Doesn't it feel like your experiencing time travel." I shake my head, "No, it feels like I am experiencing depression."
-Melissa and I are headed towards the Border patrol station. She hides her weed and asks me if I can try to look normal, or at least sit up in the car. She adds, "I know you are not happy, but pretend to be happy. Americans are supposed to be happy."
-I am reading some celebrity gossip magazine, today. Melissa asks me how old Angelina Jolie is. I read, "31." Melissa then adds, "You know, Sarah. She is closer to your age then your 17 year old friends are."
-I send a text message to my reliable or semi-reliable friends, asking if any of them will pick me up at the airport. Jason inquires later in the day if I found someone to pick me up. I tell him that I did. He adds, "I hope he is tall dark and handsome." I respond, "She is small and Asian."
Best Week Ever: September 8th
"I dont think this is a hangover, but whatever it is, I dont like it."
-I ask my manager if he is going to need me to stay the evening. He responds, "Yes Sarah. We are having some sort of porno party and you are going to stay. This should excite you because this will be great for all those funny little things you write."
-Dana text messages me letting me know she is coming to said porno event at cinespace. She writes, "They suggest sexy or minimal attire i.e. Sarah Morrison attire."
-Dana and I are being hit on by two trashy dudes. They are talking and we are not listening. I am staring off into the distance with my arms folded. One of the guys taps me on the shoulder and asks, "Are you cold?" I uncross my arms and inform him I am not. Dana goes, "Thats not cold. Thats pensive." They look at her confused and move on.
-One of the security guys comes over and asks me if I have any lotion. I go, "No, but I have Mary-Kate and Ashley perfume." He looked confused, and just heads downstairs.
-I get home Friday night and find a package in my room. I open it and discover an Ipod. At first I thought it was from god. Then I found a card that read, "Happy Birthday. Love, Mom."
-I am having stomach issues. I have this weird pain in my side all the time. I sit down in the office and announce that I think I have an ulcer. Stuart responds, "Sarah, you don't even know what an ulcer is." I turn to him and go, "Well, it is either that or death."
-I run into a boy I know from home at Beauty Bar. I instruct him to come to my birthday party on Tuesday. He tells me he can not because he will be in Omaha. I go, "Oh Omaha is funner anyways," and walk away.
-I am being hit on by some dude at Beauty Bar, and finding no visible way to get out of the conversation. He asks, "So is your area code 310 or 323?" I inform him it is 323. He then asks, "Has anyone ever called you convenient before?"
-I am under the impression the boys at Dim Mak have a helium tank, due to them arriving at cinespace with one, a few weeks back. After trying three different boys, I was directed to Luke who informed me they rented it from a party supply place on Melrose. He suggests I rent one. I inform him that they are heavy and I had just wanted to have one brought to me. I tell him, "I will just buy balloons. They are way lighter."
-Ron and I are discussing his Cobrasnake pictures. He is telling me that people are saying he takes bad pictures of them. I go, "Ron, this is Cobrasnake. This is not Glamour Shots."
-I am giving one of the waitresses Annaliese the seating chart at work, last weekend. I inform her that our waitress Stuart is coming in for dinner and point to where she will be sitting. Annaliese goes, "Wait my Stuart?" I go, "The waitress Stuart." I then stop, and point at everyones favorite male employee Stuart and ask, "Does that make him my Stuart?" She says, "Well hes not mine."
-I decide that making everyone dress up at Disney characters at my birthday party is a great idea. Katrina agrees with this sentiment. I text message Steve Aoki DJ extraordinaire to inform him he will need to get a Captain Hook costume. He does not write back.
-Katrina and I are carrying my cake and bags of birthday paraphernalia, up Ivar Tuesday early evening. Some pseudo-homeless dude asks us which one of us is having the party. I inform him it is me. He asks me how old I am going to be. I tell him, "16. I cant wait to get my license. My daddy is getting me a car." Katrina asks me what kind of car I am getting. I tell her I am getting a Land Rover. She starts stomping her feet and goes, "All my daddy got me was a BMW!" I go, "Thats because your dad is an asshole." The presumably homeless gentleman goes, "Have fun at the party." We responded, "We will!"
-Katrina and I are running up the stairs at cinespace Tuesday, after a brief appearance at Starshoes. A group of boys are coming down the stairs. One of them points at me and yells, "I used to love that girl!" I turn to Katrina, "I guess he doesnt love me anymore," and we continued up the stairs.
-My birthday party is fun like woah. If you missed it Cobrasnake was there to document its awesomeness. I heart cinespace. I heart Dora and Katrina and everyone else that helped. I hearted my dress. I heart everyone that came.
-I end up sleeping for some short amount of time on a couch at the Dim Mak office Tuesday evening. I get up because I hear people and dont see Dora. I am standing and trying to communicate, when one of my boobs comes out of my dress. Three boys point at me and go, "I can see Sarah Morrisons boob." So I go lie back down.
-Katrina and I are not doing too well Wednesday at work. We are sort of laughing uncontrollably for no reason and staring blankly straight ahead a lot. I am discussing how I hate hangovers. Katrina adds, "I dont really get hangovers. I dont think this is a hangover, but whatever it is, I dont like it."
-I am standing outside of work last night waiting for my cab. EJ one of our security dudes is moving to New York. He goes, "Next year come to New York for your birthday." I shake my head defeated, "No more birthdays."
-EJ is laughing at me and my impatience in waiting for my cab. He says, "I cant wait to read Best Week Ever." I laugh and point at him and announce, "Me too!"
-I am on the phone with Mark today who witnessed the loss of my boob late Tuesday night/early Wednesday morning. I am hanging up the phone when I hear him go, "Keep your boobs in your shirt today!"
Best Week Ever: September 1st
"I should be meowing because I miss Melissa."
-So I am looking at this boy I knows Myspace profile, I see that he has this girl in his top eight that I remember from a hundred years ago. The girl made out with this boy I was dating, in Boston. He broke things off with me because he really liked her or something. He was sort of a dickhead. I ask the boy how he knows her. He tells me she helped get some music stuff going for him. He continues, "She then came out here to visit and popped the question...." He paused, "Will you put me in your top eight?"
-You might remember Melissa and I being rear ended by some dude on the way to Danas Bingo night a while back. Well, it turns out the boy in question has decided that we backed into him. I tell Melissa this fun fact and she says, "So we backed into him going thirty miles an hour?" I correct her, "We were driving backwards, going thirty miles an hour."
-I am training our new hostess at work. She was downstairs and on her way back up, she encounters an older couple who ask her, "How many stairs do you have?" When she returns, I inform her this is not a question she needs to know the answer to.
-We are at the door to the club, Saturday evening. Some guy pulls up right in front and announces that he is picking up the Dj. I go to one of the security guys, "I wish people picked me up." He goes, "Maybe if you put your shoes back on and brushed your hair, "people" would."
-I run into two boys Saturday evening outside of the club, who are putting on an event later in the week that involves a Rubix cube competition. I go to them, "Did you find a lot of...um people that can do the Rubix cube or whatever?" He corrects me shaking his head, "Sarah, they are called Cubists. They are called Cubists."
-I decide that I am going to try to consolidate my debt, or call my credit card companies and complain a little and see what happens. After I have explained my financial situation to the first major credit card the gentleman assisting me says, "So let me get this straight. You have no idea what you make a year, but its not that much. You pay 800 dollars in rent, have three major credit cards, and may or may not be ten grand or so in debt?" I go, "Exactly!"
-The next credit card company is less understanding. I explain the situation to them. They offer no solution at all. They instead ask me if they can help me with anything else "today." I pause and go, "But you did not help me with anything yet?" She repeats what she just said. So I just hang up.
-Kiki is meowing like crazy, when she is not peeing on Pats stuff. I am telling my mom about it. I go, "She is meowing because she is lonely. She misses Melissas cat." I add, "I should be meowing because I miss Melissa."
-Katrina is our new hostess and maybe my new best friend. She approaches me, upset that one of the door guys is referring to her as "Tsunami." She goes, "I have no problem with hurricane, but Tsunamis are huge!"
-I am doing the door at work last night for some event. I am handed two lists. One is a five dollar list and the other is a free list. I pick up the "five dollar list" and look at something written next to the first name. I read out loud, "If he is tall. He is comped?" The boy running the event adds, "Not all tall people though, just him." I nodded.
-I am approached by a homeless lady I know last night, outside of work. She asks me for two dollars and I hand it over to her with out blinking. The boy doing security looks at me confused. I go, "She watches my car and I give her money for Popeyes occasionally." He goes, "Sarah, where are you parking?"
-Outside last night, I watch a boy come out of a nearby bar with a beer in his hand. I grab Ginger and go, "He left with a beer!" She shrugs and says, "Well, he didnt come out of here with a beer." I am still a little alarmed. She goes, "Sarah, you are like the Hollywood Blvd hall monitor."
-I arrive at Davids store five minutes late this morning. At which point, he decides to talk to me like I am retarded and says, "I thought you werent even coming?" I respond, "Yeah, that makes more sense, than I worked late last night." After we exchange a few words, he tells me my vibe or karma or something is bad and it is ruining the stores energy and I should go home. My face lit up, "Really? Yay!"
-Tuesday night is my birthday party at cinespace. Doors are at 10. I will not be at the door, but Stuart will be. Free vodka 10-11, free Sarah Morrison stuff, rides, drinks, cake, candy, games, bands, Aoki and Jason....and ME! Bring presents! Ok, there wont be rides.
Best Week Ever: August 25th
"Press 4 if you are Sarah Morrison."
-Some shitty band writes me on Myspace telling me that "since i like Morrissey i will like them. I respond, "Wait, but i don't like Morrissey?" They never write back.
-One of the boys at work is going to get food at Popeyes. I ask him to get me a Milkshake. He returns with a Smoothie and i complain a bit. I go, "Smoothies are just gross Milkshakes. The vitamins ruin them." I drink it anyways.
-I am at work and we are having two separate parties, one is for the Oxygen Network and the other is a birthday party. Two girls arrive and i instantly go, "Are you here for the Oxygen party?" They look at me laughing, and say, "I like that you knew we were here for the Oxygen party." I respond, "Well, the birthday party has been a bunch of dudes wearing Yamakas."
-There are squirrels running around in our yard. They are pulling the Avocados off the trees. Melissa goes, "They are getting them for hibernation." I remind her it is August. She looks at my blankly. I go, "They are probably just hungry."
-My mom has been getting all the calls related to my computer and its pending repair. She is informing me of the updates on its status. She says, "Everytime they call there is this recording where you "Press 4 if you are Sarah Morrison," we just keep pressing four."
-I am modelling for Melissa aka Mama Stone Vintage when she inquires, "Can you look at me with your chin?"
-I am modelling some dress and realize there is some sort of faded pattern on the thing. I tell Melissa, "Something used to be going on this dress." She looks closer at it and responds, "Great Sarah, I will just describe it as something used to be going on on this dress."
-One of the owners at cinespace commends me on my writing, referring to the cinespace profile. I respond, "I only made fun of Stuart a little." He responded, "Sarah, I am giving you permission to make fun of anyone you want, as much as you want."
-I am outside smoking a cigarette on the patio, Tuesday evening. My manager comes out and goes, "Sarah, so who exactly is watching the door?" I go, "The Dim Mak records boys. I told them just to tell everyone that comes in, that the door is at ten." He inquires, "And, do the Dim Mak boys answer the phone?" I add, "I will check the messages when i get back."
-My mom calls to ask if i am "ok" this week. I ask her why. She says,"I read on the internet you hit your head on the garage really bad. I hope you write this down and tell the internet your mom called to ask if are ok from reading this."
-I am working the door, Tuesday night. A boy i know arrives and commends me on my work ethic. He goes, "With all that you do Sarah, it makes me feel bad that i do not do that much." I tell him i never feel like i am at home. He goes, "Well, maybe "out" is your "home."
-I call Stuart crying Wednesday asking what time i need to work. I am trying not to cry, but still am a little. He asks me what's wrong. I tell him my best friend Melissa left for good today and I don't think i am going to make it. I then add, "I know i am 26." he pauses and says, "Sarah, best friends are important."
-Someone steals a dress out of the Dim Mak records office, Tuesday night. Somehow i get accused of it, probably due to the fact i was the only phone number of any girl present that evening, those boys had. I tell Ron when trying to clear my name, "Why would i steal a dress from Dim Mak, when i was wearing a Betsey Johnson dress?"
Best Week Ever: August 18th
"Sarah, who is watching your trailer?"
-Some shitty band writes me on Myspace telling me that "since i like Morrissey i will like them. I respond, "Wait, but i don't like Morrissey?" They never write back.
-One of the boys at work is going to get food at Popeyes. I ask him to get me a Milkshake. He returns with a Smoothie and i complain a bit. I go, "Smoothies are just gross Milkshakes. The vitamins ruin them." I drink it anyways.
-I am at work and we are having two separate parties, one is for the Oxygen Network and the other is a birthday party. Two girls arrive and i instantly go, "Are you here for the Oxygen party?" They look at me laughing, and say, "I like that you knew we were here for the Oxygen party." I respond, "Well, the birthday party has been a bunch of dudes wearing Yamakas."
-There are squirrels running around in our yard. They are pulling the Avocados off the trees. Melissa goes, "They are getting them for hibernation." I remind her it is August. She looks at my blankly. I go, "They are probably just hungry."
-My mom has been getting all the calls related to my computer and its pending repair. She is informing me of the updates on its status. She says, "Everytime they call there is this recording where you "Press 4 if you are Sarah Morrison," we just keep pressing four."
-I am modelling for Melissa aka Mama Stone Vintage when she inquires, "Can you look at me with your chin?"
-I am modelling some dress and realize there is some sort of faded pattern on the thing. I tell Melissa, "Something used to be going on this dress." She looks closer at it and responds, "Great Sarah, I will just describe it as something used to be going on on this dress."
-One of the owners at cinespace commends me on my writing, referring to the cinespace profile. I respond, "I only made fun of Stuart a little." He responded, "Sarah, I am giving you permission to make fun of anyone you want, as much as you want."
-I am outside smoking a cigarette on the patio, Tuesday evening. My manager comes out and goes, "Sarah, so who exactly is watching the door?" I go, "The Dim Mak records boys. I told them just to tell everyone that comes in, that the door is at ten." He inquires, "And, do the Dim Mak boys answer the phone?" I add, "I will check the messages when i get back."
-My mom calls to ask if i am "ok" this week. I ask her why. She says,"I read on the internet you hit your head on the garage really bad. I hope you write this down and tell the internet your mom called to ask if are ok from reading this."
-I am working the door, Tuesday night. A boy i know arrives and commends me on my work ethic. He goes, "With all that you do Sarah, it makes me feel bad that i do not do that much." I tell him i never feel like i am at home. He goes, "Well, maybe "out" is your "home."
-I call Stuart crying Wednesday asking what time i need to work. I am trying not to cry, but still am a little. He asks me what's wrong. I tell him my best friend Melissa left for good today and I don't think i am going to make it. I then add, "I know i am 26." he pauses and says, "Sarah, best friends are important."
-Someone steals a dress out of the Dim Mak records office, Tuesday night. Somehow i get accused of it, probably due to the fact i was the only phone number of any girl present that evening, those boys had. I tell Ron when trying to clear my name, "Why would i steal a dress from Dim Mak, when i was wearing a Betsey Johnson dress?"
Best Week Ever: August 25th
"Press 4 if you are Sarah Morrison."
-Melissa and Will are here, so i am back to sleeping on the couch or in the garage, depending on my mood. Will comes home from the bar and enters Pat's room expecting to see Pat, but instead finds me in Pat's bed. He looks startled at first then goes, "So either you and Pat are hooking up or hes stay at his girlfriends tonight."
-A boy i know is sitting at the store with me. We are discussing our respective experiences with the opposite sex. He then asks me if i remember what he said to me the first time we met. I do not. He tells me he said, "You should be someone's girlfriend." I rolled my eyes.
-At work one night, i am smoking on the patio. The lady running the film screening that is going on comes over to me, and asks me if i have a cigarette. I tell her i do. I then add, "What kind of hostess would i be if i did not have cigarettes for the customers?"
-I am standing at the bar at Will's show, Monday evening. Some boy standing next to me is trying to get my attention. I finally lean in to try to figure out what he was saying. Apparently, he is a hair dresser and is telling me he wants to "cut my hair." I heard, "I want to touch your hair and tried to hand him my ponytail." He handed me his card.
-I hear Melissa on the phone trying to change her address with her health insurance provider. When she finally reaches a human she states her old address, her new address, then adds "my name is going to stay the same."
-Ginger Googles some guys she used to date out of boredom one afternoon. She finds this one guy she knew years ago that had broken her heart. She learns via the internet that he has become a Breathatarian, someone who only consumes natural liquids and air. She goes on about how he used to be when she knew him. She goes, "This would be like if your friend Dana DeArmond decided to become a born again virgin."
-I am parking at the convenience store near my house. One of the dudes who works there is outside smoking a cigarette. He points at my license plates and goes, "Massachusetts, how long have you been here?" I tell him a year or so. He goes, "So isn't it about time to get California plates?" I tell him, "I guess i am still not sure if i want to stay."
-Wednesday i am a little hungover from Tuesday night's festivities. I opt to drink a Sparks. I decide being slightly drunk sounds better than being slightly hungover.
-David leaves the store Wednesday and goes to buy beer. After several beers, David passed out of the couch. After two Sparks, i started writing this.
-I am telling one of the security guys at my work that i am excited we are hosting an LAPD event. I tell him i want to meet a hot cop. He inquires why. I go, "They have guns and they have power, you know?" He responds, "Sarah, who is watching your trailer?"
-We go to some afterparty Tuesday evening on the roof on some apartment building. I go to get drinks for Dora and I and realize they are charging 5 dollars. I yell to Dora, "Let's go back to Cinespace where the drinks were free!"
-My laptop caught on fire as most remember last week. What i thought was just a strange occurrence that was a part of my string of bad luck, ended up being a legitimate Dell recall.
-I end up at Beauty Bar last night after working at the store, the club, and attending LA Weekly's Rock and Roll Bingo. So what this means is that i am walking around the bar with a giant purse containing a laptop and a change of clothes. I am trying to not injure anyone with my bag, as the bar fills up. I am standing at the bar when some dude taps me on the shoulder and announces, "You know they don't allow carry ons anymore."
-After hitting half the customers in either the head or ass with my giant purse last night at the bar, i finally look for another option. I find Frankie Chan DJ extraordinaire and go, "Frankie, i love you can i put my bag behind the DJ booth?" He nods and starts to take it, then stops, and goes, "Did you just say Frankie, i love you?" I nodded, smiled, waved, and left the bag.
-So i drop off a girl i know last night at her car by her work parking lot at 1am, in a less than high foot traffic area. She has managed to leave the gate key in the car and is unable to get into the lot any way besides jumping the 10 foot fence surrounding it. We are trying to come up with a plan as to how to get her into the lot, when some guy walks up and volunteers to hoist her up and over the fence. After all is said and done, and she makes it in. I go to price charming, "Do you just hang out here looking for girls that need to be rescued?" He assured me that he does.
-I run into Rachel last night, the manager at Beauty Bar. She reminds me that the Beauty contest Semi-finals are coming up and to get ready. I go, "There are Semi-finals?" She reassures me that i can reuse my "clothes changing" talent.
-Glen encounters me sitting on the curb in front of my work tonight smoking a cigarette. He inquires, "What's wrong with you? You look miserable?" I respond, "I am having a very "but, i went to college" kind of day."
Best Week Ever: August 11th
"This is your postcard from LA."
-So I am running around in circles yelling in front of the store I work at. A teenage boy is walking down the sidewalk and looks at me frightened. I go, "There is a bee trying to sting me. I am not crazy." He stares blankly at me. I correct myself, "Well, I am crazy, but there IS a bee."
-I am suffering from a case of life sickness this week and opted to check out what Rite Aid had to offer to cure me. I settled on Dramamine. It claims to cure motion sickness, so I figured it would be my best bet.
-My mom comes to visit for a few days this week. My tour of LA involved a lot of shopping. We were on Robertson. My mom had gone into a store and I was standing outside talking to a boy I know. All of a sudden Nikki and Paris come down the sidewalk followed by a slew of photographers. I grab my mom and pull her out of the store, I point at the girls and announce, "This is your postcard from LA."
-I take my mom into American Apparel to meet everybody I used to work with. Shocked, Naima remarks, "Sarah Morrison, are you wearing a bra?" I tell her I wore it for my mom. My mom thanked me.
-My mom and I stop in to meet David at the vintage store I work at. Like usual, there are no customers. David says, "Well, we have had four people in already today." My mom excited says "Well, then we make six!" He corrects her, "No, you make four."
-I interrupt one of the managers at my work by asking a question about a conversation he is not having with me. He turns to me and goes, "Sarah, I am talking to them right now. When I am done, the two of us can have our own little talk. Actually, why don't you talk to Ginger, (who is standing next to him) She seems to enjoy talking to you." Ginger turns to him and says, "I think what you just created might be classified as workplace hostility."
-My mom wants to go to Malibu. I am not much of a sit on the beach person so I take her to the Country Mart. In the Malibu Fred Segal, I turn to my mom and go, "The beach is fun huh? It is just like the city, but closer to the water."
-So my male roommate has a "perfume" or body spray that both Melissa and I really like and sometimes wear to his disappointment. He told us that the company that makes it also makes a similar fragrance that is a little bit more girlie. So I stop in the store in Malibu to inquire about this. I explain the scenario to the gentleman working. He shrugs and goes, "I don't know. I think that one is pretty girlie." So, I bought two bottles.
-I am sitting outside of the store smoking a cigarettes. Some boy coming down the sidewalk stops and starts to make conversation with me. He tells me he sees me out front a lot. I tell him it is because I tend to get bored because we don't have that many customers. I inform him that I had checked twice that day to make sure the door was unlocked.
-I text message a boy I know. He responds, "Who is this?" Once I inform him, he calls moments later to explain that his phone broke and he lost all his numbers when he got the new one. He is still explaining what happened when I interrupt, "So it's not me, it's you?"
-One of our newest bus boys at the club has been given "a promotion" to the AV department. I tell my manager I would like to discuss my disappointment with being overlooked for the promotion. I go, "You may not think I am qualified for the position. But, I actually had a college radio show freshman year. And, regardless of the fact I have had two Ipods stolen, I have been making out with the DJ." She rolled her eyes and walked away.
-Kene is discussing how much he likes one of the waitresses at work. He goes, "She is great, but a little dark." She then storms over, throws her bag down, and announces, "I hate everyone, but I like you guys." And storms back off. He goes, "See?"
-David and Terry have a party at the store Friday night. As soon as I arrive, I encounter a drunk girl I know, have known for quite some time, and see on a regular basis. She goes, "Oh my god I thought you moved to Texas?" I respond, "That is Melissa. We are different people." She looked at me confused.
-I tell Melissa that Chase is coming here in the fall. She goes, "So is H&M!" I add, "I think I am more excited about H&M."
-One of the boys I work with is asking a billion questions about my strange vegetarian junk food diet. He goes, "So do you eat fruit?" I respond, "Fruit Skittles."
-My computer power cord started sizzling, then caught on fire, and actually sort of burnt me, last night. I was at my third chain retail electronic store looking for assistance, today. Luckily, I am approached by a sales boy right when I arrive. I explain the whole scenario to him. I tell him I have spent 250 dollars today on power cords and other useless accessories, that will not work. I tell him I am thinking of trying to use the USB port. I continue on about some of my other ideas. I go on and on and finally look at him waiting for "assistance." He looks at my blankly and asks, "So, you just want your computer to turn on?"
-You thought I could not possibly spend anymore time on Myspace. You were wrong. I am now writing about the interesting happenings at my work and maintaining Cinespace's Myspace profile. Come hang out or at least read about hanging out there. Add us as a friend. You don't want to miss events, dance nights, and funny stories about my workplace that only Sarah Morrison could bring you.
Best Week Ever: August 4th
"You could tell me you had herpes, and seriously half of LA would have it before I would even admit I ever knew."
-I run into Glen out one evening with a bandana tied around his neck. I ask him if he is planning to rob someone. He informs me it is for "our shotgun wedding."
-Glen later asks me if I wrote about Jessica Simpson waving to him in a parking garage in Ponytales (my celebrity gossip column) this week. I inform him I did not because no one cares.
-I am mad at Stuart this week after he decides to spread a ridiculous rumor about me around "our" workplace. Stuart tries to tell me that I can not hate him forever. He adds, "We both have September birthdays." I go, "Well, my party is going to be better than yours. Stuart adds, "I am sure it will be."
-After OK-ing my birthday party plans with the boys in charge of the evening. I ask Jason if I can have a pony. I inform him I would like to do pony rides on Hollywood Blvd. Jason says he has no problem as long as I can get a permit from the city.
-I am complaining to Ginger that my legs hurt. She tells me her back hurts. She goes, "This is when I wish I had a boyfriend to rub my back and give me massages." I go, "I dont like people touching me." Ginger adds, "I do."
-I am in line for the bathroom at a club Friday night. The girl behind me in line tells me that my purse is pulling up my dress and that she can see my butt. I turn around and go, "No you cant. I am wearing leggings. I would have to be wearing a thong for you to actually see my butt."
-A boy I know who is in a local band comes out of the elevator at my work with large musical instruments. I stare at him confused and yell, "Are you like playing here?" To which he responds, "Are you like working here?"
-One of the cooks is outside with me waiting for the door to open to our work. I proceed to sit on the ground. He says, "Sarah, you could not pay me enough to sit on Hollywood Blvd." I shrug. He adds, "I wear brand new socks everyday." I go, "I dont think I even own any socks."
-I am sitting on the patio at my work smoking a cigarette. Ginger had just gotten up. A girl nearby asks me if I mind if she smokes weed. I go, "Um you can if you want, but I work here. (I point at Ginger) and thats my manager." She nods and puts it away.
-I tell Ginger I want to rent a photobooth for my birthday party. She goes, "You dont need to RENT a photobooth. We have one already. Its called Cobrasnake."
-Sergio and I are discussing some of the drama that goes on in our lives. I am telling him something top secret. When he interjects, "You know I can keep a secret like you could tell me you had herpes, and seriously half of LA would have it before I would even admit I ever knew."
-I am telling Brooke that my truck got broken into and another Ipod stolen. She inquires, "Why would someone steal an Ipod? Dont they know they know they can get one free for outdancing the blonde on Myspace?"
-It is approaching door time at my work, last night. We are talking about the plan for the evening, when one of the security dudes storms through. He drops a "No parking after 6pm" sign that is bent in half on the ground. He announces, "I couldnt find a parking spot, so I made my own." I go, "I dont even know what to say right now." Stuart picks up the sign, looks at it, and calmly states, "Thats sort of crazy."
-I round up a few girls I know for this ZZ Top photo shoot Tuesday. I pick up my 18 year-old friend Dora in the morning, in the valley. I start panicing when I realize it is 1 am, Dora is drunk, supposed to be home at 1:30am, and I picked her up 14 hours ago. I tell Dora as she is waiting for the cab, "Your mom is probably like Sarah Morrison picked up my daughter at 11am this morning and has not brought her back. I am a bad babysitter." She goes, "No, You are the best babysitter ever!"
-I manage to piss off Glen at like 4 am while walking home Tuesday evening, a little drunk. He crosses the street and walks on the opposite side of the street from me. At this point, Cops roll up and ask me how old I am and what I am doing walking alone. I tell them that I am 26 and pissed off the boy who was walking with me because I am an idiot. They go through every single thing I have with my name on it convinced everything is fake because they have decided I am 16. They then ask me if I am homeless. Lesson here kids: Do not piss of boys who are walking you home at 4am.
-I am telling Stuart about this boy I like and the drama that has ensued because of it. He listens to the entire tale of my evening Tuesday. He goes on to tell me he likes working the door because he doesnt have to do anything. He just sits there and girls hit on him. I tell him I want to work the door too, so boys can hit on me. He announces, "No, then people will think you are my girlfriend and it will ruin everything." I roll my eyes and go, "Fine."
-Ginger arrives at the store I work at and encounters Naima on my AIM talking to people and reading the conversations she is having with them out loud. I announce, "Naima is practicing to be my intern! Intern is going to talk to people on AIM for me and drive me around." Ginger goes, "You should make intern guard the truck at night watching your Ipod while you sleep."
-I am wearing a dress working the door at the club, LAST night. Logically, I am collecting money, and storing it on the side of my underwear. Everything is going well until I realize I have just sort of flashed a bus and some old dudes jaw is dropped and does not seem to be closing.
-I tell Ginger that I am going home for a bit because of some family stuff that needs me more than this does. She says, "I just want you to know that I am glad you are in my life and I dont think my life would be the same without you." All of a sudden, I realized this place might be home now.
Best Week Ever: July 28th
"Sarah, she is not an intern if she is just learning to be you."
-Melissa is forcing me to model dresses in Hawaii, but the sun is a little much for photos. I recommend we wait until sunset. Melissa reminds me that sharks come out at night. She adds, "I wouldn't want one to jump out of the water and bite off your arm." I go, "Yeah, because then you would have to maintain my Myspace profile."
-Some shitty song comes on the radio. I really do not notice it is that Nick Lachey song and am sort of just listening to the lyrics. I realize what it is and announce, "Nick Lachey is such a pussy."
-Melissa and I are discussing pregnancy over dinner. I am informing her that I am going to smoke when pregnant. She is trying to talk me out of it. I then remind her that when our moms were pregnant doctors encouraged them to have a glass of wine at night and they did not know smoking was bad. Melissa continues preaching about the dangers of vices to unborn children. I go, "There has got to be a book that tells you what drugs aren't SO bad for your unborn child, a book that's like weed is better than drinking for your baby. Or maybe, if you smoke this many cigarettes a day it wont hurt anybody." Melissa goes, "Sarah, if there was a book like that they would pull it off the shelves." I go, "The bad girls guide to pregnancy." Melissa rolls her eyes.
-Since I am unable to afford an assistant, I have opted to take the cheaper route. I am getting an intern. I tell Melissa she is going to shop with me, return Myspace messages, come out with me at night, grocery shop, and drive me around. Melissa goes, "If she is an intern, she needs to be learning something. Sarah, she is not an intern if she is just learning to be you."
-I am telling Dana about my trip to Hawaii. She says she heard everything is more expensive in Hawaii. I inform her she is correct. She then asks, "Do they get paid more?" I tell her, "I dont know. I didn't get a job while I was there."
-I am in the office at work, when my manager asks me to turn around. I am confused at first until I see him about to open the safe. I go, "You just want to look at my butt."
-One evening this weekend, I am leaving work and trying to meet up with some already drunk friends. First they are in Silverlake, then they are going to Cahuenga, then Silverlake, then a bar on Hollywood. I begin to walk to the car, back towards work, bar to the car, and so on while reading their text messages. What felt like my tenth time on the corner of Hollywood and Vine, a boy standing on the corner goes, "Hey you look really familiar?" I stop, assuming I know him from somewhere. He points at me and says to his friend, "I know where I know her from, the other four times she has walked past us in the past ten minutes."
-Melissa and Will run into Naima at Starbucks one morning. She tells Will, "Thats one of Sarah's high school friends." I tell Melissa Naima is going away to college soon. I tell her that Daryl already left and that Tiana is going in September. I go, "A lot of my friends are going away to college. It makes me sad." I then realize what I just said and remember how old I actually am.
-We arrive at a birthday party for one of my coworkers after the club closed. The boys hosting the party had been celebrating all day and were a little intoxicated when our posse showed up. We are handed condoms by one drunk boy at the door. Ryan and I are looking at our respective condoms. Mine is labeled "Extra Warming." Ryan inquires, "Isn't sex like the hottest thing you could possibly do? I can't imagine you would need to be any warmer." I add, "Maybe it's in case the air conditioning is on."
-I am dressed to go work at the store Monday morning. I am wearing a new white tank, I just bought. The shirt can not possibly be worn with a bra, like most of my shirts. Melissa looks at my boobs, then up at me alarmed. She says, "Let's go ask Will if you should have bought that shirt in red, instead."
-Stuart informs me that everytime I am drunk and he tries to tell me something, I just roll my eyes and go, "I am Sarah Morrison!" I tell him that it seem like an appropriate thing for a drunk person to say. He adds, "It seems like an appropriate thing for a drunk "you" to say."
-My exboyfriend Mike writes me telling me he went to a mutual friend of ours' wedding this weekend. I reply, "Marriage is scary. It's like forever. That's too long."
-I show up at work Sunday evening because it was hot and I needed to get out of the house. Ginger goes, "So why are you here? For your check?" I respond, "That and the air conditioning." I add, "I helped customers at American Apparel this morning for their air conditioning."
-Our marketing genius at work is explaining there is a girl he knows that is interested in working at our club doing security. Like most clubs, our security entourage is entirely male. He starts reading her strange sounding list of credentials which includes; carrying firearms, sharp shooting, court transcriptions, and heavy lifting. I add, "And, eating pussy."
-Kene orders a pepperoni pizza tonight at work. He offers me a piece. I remind him that I don't eat meat. He then goes, "Pepperoni is not meat." He then adds, "I think I am going to make it in to Best week Ever."
Best Week Ever: July 21st
"I want my birthday party to be better than Lindsay Lohan's."
-Melissa inquires whether I bought that Ashanti perfume for her for Christmas. I tell her I did. She then tells me just sprayed it and it reminded her of last winter. She goes, "I didn't think you could have memories from six months ago."
-Melissa informs me she is bringing weed on the trip to Hawaii. I go, "In your bra?" She explains, "Let's just say I am double bagging it."
-We get through security and into the terminal at LAX. Excited, I turn to Melissa and say, "My lighter made it through." She goes, "My vagina made it through."
-Melissa points out that there are kids flying alone on our plane. I explain, "That's what I would do. I would put my kids on a plane and be like "Mommy will see you later." Melissa remarks, "Well, Joe Dirts parents left him at a campsite."
-Melissa is reading some gossip magazine on the plane ride. I am sort of looking at it as she reads. The article that's open is about Lindsay Lohan's birthday party. Since I am in the planning stages of my own birthday party I announce, "I want my birthday party to be better than Lindsay Lohan's" Melissa reads, "It was at the Polaroid Beach House and was sponsored by Restoration Hardware." I go, "That's not fair.
-Bettie is informing me she thinks she is watching too much television, due to the fact she is getting emotional and really identifying with Lindsay Lohan in that "Confessions of a Broken Heart" video.
-I am writing the Ponytales column by the pool the other morning. Melissa is in the hotel pool. I yell, "Is it cold?" She responds, "I dont know. It is really wet."
-We are driving up some mountain on the way to ride horses through some picturesque valley. We are passing fields and cows. Melissa remarks, "I want to be a cow." I tell her she probably does not. She adds, "I want to be a Hawaiian cow."
-There is a dog named Coco that lives at the horse riding place. Melissa goes, "I like the name Coco. I wish Courtney Cox hadnt already used it. Oh, and that Gorilla."
-I had never ridden a horse. After the adventure finished and I am finally standing on the ground, I explain to the girls next to me that my legs feel like they wont go together. I then ask them, "Do I look like a slut?"
-The horse lady who is guiding us through the valley of beautiful Hawaiian beauty tells the group she is from South Dakota. Melissa remarks, "Sarah went to South Dakota." She asks me when I went. I tell her February. She looks confused and goes, "That is not exactly tourist season." I explain, "Yeah, I dont really like tourists."
-Melissa is on the phone explaining to Will that she smuggled Weed in her vagina. He asks her what I brought in mine. Melissa goes, "A bowl." I correct them both, "Actually, a bong."
-We are building a sand castle on the beach today with a four year old. The tide kept rising and starting to hit our castle. We kept adding more and more sand, but the water kept washing it away. Finally, the little girl gets up and announces, "I'm leaving. Bye."
-We are driving in the rental car and are forced to listen to the weird radio stations it has to offer. We have found some sort of entertaining Oldies station. Simon and Garfunkel's "Sounds of Silence" comes on. The line "Take my arms that I might reach you" comes on. Melissa goes, "I have no idea what that last line was, but I swear he says "Take me I am a hairy Jew."
-We are getting in the car today and I instruct Melissa to look at the little girl standing next to the car parked beside us because she looks like the pictures of Melissa when she was little. I go, "Look, it's a little you." She looks at the girl and back at me, confused. She explains, "I figured she would have candy or be wearing my outfit." I add, "Or be smoking Weed." "Exactly," she says.
-I am sitting on the balcony and a bunch of boys come outside of the hotel room next to us. They introduce themselves and start making conversation. I yell inside to Melissa, "There are boys next door!" One of them corrects me, "We are not boys." I yell again, "We have men next door!"
-I am reading my new Ponytales column out loud to Melissa. We get to a story about Jackie Chan getting drunk at a concert in Taiwan and being heckled off stage. I read the entire thing and Melissa announces, "Oh my god, the whole time you were reading this I thought it was about Frankie Chan."
-We are at a Luau tonight. We sit in the middle of two families. One of the dads asks, "So, where are your husbands, golfing?" Melissa started laughing. I simply responded, "Yes, they are golfing."
Best Week Ever: July 14th
"I dont know. I measured myself with a ruler."
-I am telling Melissa that my life is overwhelming me and I can not keep up with everything I need to do. I inform her that I need an assistant. She asks me what exactly I am going to have my assistant do. I list return Myspace messages, call people back, model from time to time, pay my credit cards bills on time, and drive me places. Melissa goes, "I think you need yoga not as assistant."
-The "door guy" at my work is carrying the gates that set up the clubs door down the sidewalk. He says, "I feel like Jesus." Ginger and I tell assure him he looks like Jesus. I then add, "I think Jesus wore a wife beater too."
-A boy I know had been dating this girl for a few weeks. After several disastrous evenings, she was committed to a mental facility. He had been visiting her throughout her stay. I decide to ask him this week how things are going. He responded, "Now instead of crazy sex, I get to play crazy Scrabble."
-I am coerced into entering a Bad Girl Beauty Pageant at Beauty Bar Sunday evening, hosted by Santino of Project Runway fame. I volunteered to participate before I knew there was a talent portion. I enlisted everyone I work with to help me think of some sort of talent I could perform due to the fact I am sort of talentless. No one is particularly helpful. I am getting frustrated as Ginger inquires whether I have come up with anything. I start to yell "No" at her, when she hides behind Sergio and says, "Sarah is yelling at me because she doesnt have any talents."
-Some sort of girl with a microphone and boy with a video camera combination approach me to do an interview before the contest begins. The girl interviewing me inquires, "If you win the 250 dollars, what are you going to do?" To which I reply, "I am going to quit my job! I am never going to have to work again!"
-I get really excited once the Beauty Pageant gets underway. I looked around and realized all my friends had come. I go, "I am so happy. Everyone I care about in the world is here!" Ginger adds, "Except for Kiki."
-I settle on changing my clothes three times on stage, as my talent in Sundays Beauty Pageant. Other than my heels getting caught repeatedly, it went well. After all was said and done and I received my "crown," a boy commended me, "Girls usually take ridiculous amounts of time to change. You blew my mind."
-Ginger tells me Melissa has announced that she will collect ten percent of my Beauty Pageant winnings for being my "stage mom." I then go to Ginger, "She knows this is not EBay, right?"
-I introduce Melissa to Sergio who is the other host at my work. Melissa goes, "Ohhhh this is Sergio. You are sick a lot." He whispers to her, "Well, just hung-over actually." Melissa says, "Thats what I told Sarah!"
-Sergio is asking me if I am excited about my trip to Hawaii on Sunday. I tell him it will be fun once I get there, but I am stressing out about getting everything done before I leave. I am telling him I am going to have to write both my internet columns before I go. I then I ask, "Wait do they have internet in Hawaii?"
-Pat, Kristen, and a few others are in the living room getting ready to go to a bar. Kristen and I are discussing a situation I got myself into that she does not approve of in the kitchen. We begin to enter the living room, sort of loudly. Two of the guests were having some sort of quiet discussion about the Italian language. One goes to the other, "Come sit over here and speak Italian with me." I sit down and go, "Kristen come over here and speak English with me."
-A girl I know comes into the store I work at yesterday. She notices my cold and asks me how I got sick in the summer. I tell her it was from making out with some boy. She asks, "Is he hot?" To which I respond, "I guess not, but I sort of like him." She goes, "Sarah, you are being too deep for me."
-I set up a girl I know to model for Mama Stone Vintage. Melissa asks her to send her measurements. Melissa informs me she has no idea what the girl I did, but her measurements were 18 ½ inch chest, 16 inch waist, and 19 inch hips. Melissa informs me she told the girl to try it again because her current measurements would make her a small Asian boy. I ran into the girl the other night and inquired about the measurement issue. She laughed and goes, "I dont know. I measured myself with a ruler."
-A guy calls my work asking if we had found a phone after Tuesday nights festivities. I look around and find nothing. I get on the phone and tell him its not here and apologize. He says, "It is not your fault. I am the drunk asshole who lost it." I correct him, "You arent an asshole. You were just drunk." He thanks me.
-I arrive at work last night with a smoothie. Stuart asks me what "boost" I got in it. I tell him I got the "girl one." Another one of the gentlemen I work with inquires, "So what does that do? Make you pretty?" To which Stuart adds, "Are you saying Sarah needs a pretty boost? Thats not nice." He corrects, "No, I was just worried she got one. If they had an ugly boost, Sarah should have gotten that one JUST to give the other girls a chance." I am still standing perplexed in the doorway with my drink, listening to the two of them and add, "That was clever!"
-I am walking back from the bar tonight and hear one of the bussers say "I can see your thong." I panic, touch my butt, turn around, and go "No, You cant." He apologized, told me he can't see my underwear, and that he was just singing that "When you shake it I can see your thong" song.