Emo Bragging RightsHow to Win a Hipster Bragging Contest
1. If I cared enough to show you, you would see that my indifference is twice as callous and detached as your disinterested apathy. 2. My vintage skin-tight t-shirt is more ironically clever than yours, and I bought it at a cooler vintage store, in a hip neighborhood that you don’t even know about. 3. My mama is so fat that my father left home when I was 10 years old leaving me forever introverted, unimpressed with sports, and forever emotionally unavailable within the context of relationships. Your mama, in comparison, is only slightly heavy and could hardly be considered fat at all. 4. My need for social acceptance far eclipses your need to be the center of attention in social situations. For instance, within 3 minutes I inevitably steer the subject of any group conversation to me and my personal pain; while you are still busy telling jokes and talking in funny accents to attract attention. 5. My most casual conversations with random clerks at the grocery store are more self-obsessed than your most wounded blog entries, and more painfully reflective than your favorite Emo song. 6. You think you are unemployed? I have held down fewer jobs at less pay for shorter periods of time than most escaped felons. I am so poor that I can barely afford the bus fare to the bank to cash this allowance check from my parents. 7. However deprecating you are about your own skateboarding abilities, I am far more critical of my own. For instance, I wrote a letter to Pope asking to be excommunicated because I couldn’t land shuv-its after 6 years of practice. The request was granted. Therefore, I am so bad at skateboarding that I will not be accorded grace or forgiveness from God, and will spend my eternity in Hell, or, at best, limbo. 8. Don’t bother me with your lists of favorite new bands and albums, I was into them before they even learned to play instruments or knew they were a band. Now, after the release of their debut album I can see that their early stuff was indeed better, and that they sold out when they started practicing together. 9. I’m so Emo, that I use a protractor and a compass to perfectly coordinate the flop of my bangs according to astrological motion and which “Jimmy Eat World” track my stereo selects on random as the first song of the day when I get up every afternoon at 2:00 p.m. 10. I’m so Emo that my ironic mustache is only ironic in the degree to which it is absolutely serious. Mine is a subtly ironic serious mustache, and is far more clever than the simple and heavy-handed sarcastic irony of your shaded upper lip. -Kevin Peckham
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