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Office Chair Rebellion by Rachel Cotton Given that I pretty much suck and regularly waste my time at a nine to five, I feel that it is only fitting to pass on some forms of "workplace resistance" that I tend to practice rather compulsively. If you have to work a traditional office job because you need money and are lazy and/or uncreative and/or young and/or inexperienced like I am, there is no reason why you shouldn't make the most of it. Here are some things you can do to stay alive: Outfitting . Try to wear the same stuff every day to work. Really, who wants to spend money on clothes? If you have one semi-nice outfit (a shirt with buttons, pants that fit, shoes that are semi-clean), you can definitely get away with wearing it every day. If someone feels the need to comment on your clothes, either claim that you have many variations on the same outfit or accuse them of being materialistic for making a value judgment on your choice wardrobe. Either way, they look like an asshole and you win. Also, if you don't work at a new age dot com that does everything in its power to please its workers and therefore insists that you wear whatever makes you comfortable, might I suggest wearing a hooded sweatshirt every day to work. You can keep in on whenever you want, claiming that it's cold in the office and you can definitely wear it when you go out for lunch. It will make you feel better about yourself because sweatshirts have magical powers. Approximate amount of money saved by not buying lots of ugly and expensive clothing: $10000.00 Eating . Buy what you need from independent businesses and steal everything else from corporate giants. Being in a heavily congested city in the middle of the day is prime opportunity for conniving behavior. Go into chain stores when they are busy, take whatever you want, walk out the door with your pillage in plain view and never look back. Really, the lines are too long and the stores are too busy for anyone to take notice of what you're doing. Plus, spending $5 a day on food that sucks really adds up over time. Liberate whatever you need, drink for free whenever you're thirsty and have a good time. Approximate amount of money saved by boycotting the price fixing of processed foods: $89678974.76 Entertaining . Most people who work in offices and live in cities are very sad and burnt out. As a result of their daily lives, they tend to either be real jerks or nice people who haven't laughed in a while. Because I am such a humanitarian, I try my best to annoy the jerks and make the nice people laugh. Here are several tactics you can employ to combat mechanical behavior. Walk down the street and make faces at people. Make up stories and tell them to everyone you work with. Decorate the urban landscape with pictures and political statements for people to see and reflect upon. Have really loud discussions about controversial political issues, making sure to completely ridicule the religious right in the process. Talk about cancer in front of people who smoke. Stop traffic with your bike or body. And last but not least, when people are in a real rush, never get out of their way. You’d be surprised how much of an impact these seemingly insignificant acts can have on the various jerks and sad people of the world. Laughs given to nice people and, inversely, heartattacks given to idiots as a result of such behavior: 3790868575433. Communication . I find that my days are much more enjoyable if I listen to lots of music and refrain from talking to boring people. If you want to feel less in touch with reality and more at peace, I recommend walking around everywhere with headphones on and also wearing headphones all the time if you work anywhere near a computer. Unless they're not tourists, when people on the street try to talk to you or ask you questions, say "yeah, ok" and walk away. If someone asks you for change, ask him/her some questions about him/hereself. Also, when you get kicked out of bagel stores for reading their complimentary newspapers because you didn't buy anything, insist on staying until you're finished with the paper. The correlation between being antisocial and receiving random bursts of good karma throughout the day: positive. Presents . There’s nothing like a day of discount mayhem. This is something that is kind of risky to do in your work area unless you're leaving your job soon. You’ll need access to copy machines and computers to do this. It is very officey and, therefore, very appropriate for the working guy or gal. First, you need to find a coupon from starbucks. Once you have a coupon, doctor it appropriately so it entitles people to free drinks with stupid names. Make tons of copies of your coupons and hand them out to caffeine junkies everywhere you go. While I have yet to do this because I still have a few more weeks at my job, I’m told it works brilliantly for at least a few hours. Annoyance caused by mocking starbucks: not enough. Doing stupid things like this is how I stay awake all day and attempt to convince myself that I’m not a total waste of life. I love life. the end. |
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