THERE’S A LUMP IN MY BOOT!
(A disturbing tale of an evil pussy and one man’s first time)
by John Cavan
 Stock stolen photo of early-season-Killington. |
So my roommate has this cat and although it looks nice, fluffy and all of the other cute adjectives you use to describe cats, it’s really an evil cat. You see the thing is a hunter, and it’s not just a normal hunter it’s a vindictive hunter. Every night, just before bed, our peaceful bliss is interrupted by the painful suffering of some poor helpless animal. Birds, chipmunks, squirrels, bats, and pretty much the entire mouse population of Andover Nh., have fallen victim to our mighty hunter. That’s normal you say, cats do that sort of thing, not so fast Discovery Joe. This cat has taken to leaving the dying carcass’ directly in front of my door as a sort of reminder that she hasn’t yet forgiven me for moving in and stealing her precious real estate. Limbs, eyeballs, and squirming bodies have become common place to me. If she leaves one for me before I go to bed and I should dare to remove her work of art, then when I awake there will be two more, bludgeoned worse than the first. I will admit, I am not completely innocent in this war of wit. I have answered my challenger’s taunts with the silent treatment, (cats hate this!) the famous “oops did I drop that bucket of water over your head”, or the occasional fourth down punt across the living room. Now don’t think for a second that I’m an animal abuser, this is just friendly competition between to bitter adversarys with a mutual appreciation for one another. Hell, the damn thing is starting to grow on me actually!
My little buddy took our petty little squabble to an entirely new level the other day however! October had arrived and with it came the inevitable overzealous calls from friends to come and join them for Killington’s opening day. “It will be sick!” I heard several times, “They’ve been blowing snow for like a week there’s bound to be jumps!” I’ve heard them all before, every year I vow I won’t do it again, and then the following year I do it anyway. Of all of the opening weeks I’ve spent at Killington however, this particular one took the cake. For it was this opening week that my bitter enemy, my crafty little demon chose to raise the bar on our feud. After being conned into going to the mountain, I made the windy trip over route four, across rte 100, and up the Killington access road. After making my way through the sea of chakas and shiny new clothes in the parking lot I finally made my way up to the lodge. I pulled my stinky pants, mildewy jacket and crusty gloves from their summertime coffin, and then proceeded to slip on my boots. For some reason I just couldn’t get the fit right in my left foot. “Now worries” I thought, “those therma fit liners change with the heat of the summer, in one run it will be fine!” As I took the truck ride up to the lift I kept wiggling my toes, trying to break my boot back in but for some odd reason I kept getting this weird lump in my boot. Once up on the mountain the excitement of watching brand new BMC’s, Timeless’, and J.P. Walker pro models demolished in the thin snow more than took my mind of that annoying little lump. The snow was actually good, and it was fun to be riding again, but there’s just something about watching kids trying to huck rodeos opening day on a two inch lip that just really makes the day complete and kinda makes you feel warm all over.
After a few more runs that annoying little
foot pain came back, and thinking it was just first day cramps I called it a day and
started the long downloading process to the bottom. It was only after returning to the
lodge that my filine friend’s dirty little secret reared it’s ugly head! While
taking that lumpy left boot off, the one that had been causing me all of the pain, a
beautiful specimen of a mouse’s head and shoulder came rolling out. The sheer
absurdity and down right wrongness of the whole thing was enough to cause a young mother
who was waiting for her “hero” husband to come down from his first day of skiing
, to damn near lose her lunch. After I picked the thing up and began a detailed inspection
of the special little treat my friend had left me, two kids decked out in foursquare and
Analog clothing went darting for the nearest john. She had got me good, that little pussy
had answered my taunts with one swift backlash of violence and vindictiveness to show me
just who was boss. As I wound my way back home all I could do was smile, I love that cat,
I thought! Later that night when one of my friends quizzed me on how the first day was, I
answered quickly “ It was perfect I rode all day with a dead mouse head in my boot! I
couldn’t think of a better way to start the season!” and didn’t say another word! And as my
roommate’s cat hopped on the couch smiling her evil smile at me, I smiled back!
There's a lump in my boot: A disturbing tale of an evil pussy and one man's first time.
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