Road Trip: The Movie is Crap Compared to This
Please note: I wrote this story a long time ago. It
never got posted, and so I am putting it up now. It is genius. At the time,
so was the above headline.
When venturing across country in a car, there are a few things that are important to remember. First off, never try to do it without cup holders. Between the endless barrage of coffee and other non-alcoholic beverages, you’ll need this fine item. If your car, like mine was made before cup holders were invented, you can buy such an item at Kmart for a couple dollars. Secondly, alphabetizing CDs is a fun way to pass the time, and trying to listen to them all in alphabetical order is even more fun. Of course, make sure you don’t have too many or you’ll end up only making it to P and the whole thing will be a waste. Also, if you own the new Eminem album, you’ll just end up listening to that the entire way.
At
least, this is what I learned from my road trip, one that was bringing me
out to So Cal for an extra dope summer. Along for the ride was Cindy, an
aspiring song stress and fellow Plymouth State College drop out. She signed
on when I offered to buy her a ticket to fly back because driving for 46
hours alone wasn’t that tempting.
Our course was set: leave Rutland, VT at 9:00AM on May 30th on Route Four. Once we were out of Vermont and on the real highway we were going to take I-90 to Cleveland, where we would get on I-80. From there we’d hop on I-76 down to Denver and then head across the Rockies on I-70. The final leg of the trip would find us on I-15, which leads straight into the heart of Southern California.
5:56 PM EST May 30, 2000
Cleveland
After
10 hours of consecutive driving, our first real stop was Cleveland, OH.
While I was planning for my trip I had mapped out all of the skateparks
along the way, and this was where the first happened to fall. The Extreme
Sports Complex it was called, and you know I love anything extreme. Of
course, I didn’t know the name or where it was when I got there, so a
quick stop at a gas station was in order. Here we had an encounter with a
man I like to call the BP Romeo. He insisted on hitting on us until we were
on our way down Euclid drive, even asking if he could come. The skatepark
was supposedly located somewhere on this street. We drove and drove until we
were quite a ways out of the city. I explained to Cindy that if we were
looking for anything other than a skatepark, I’d be sure we were lost, but
parks are usually in the shady part of town. Secretly though, I knew we were
lost. We kept driving until we finally found the park’s supposed location,
which turned out to be an industrial park and a paintball place. The
skatepark was nowhere to be found, and the entire complex was virtually
deserted. It was a thought though, and after a satisfying meal from Subway
we were on our way.
12:20 AM EST May 31, 2000
Indiana
A truck stop in Indiana 107 miles from Chicago (a.k.a. civilization) gave me a newly restored hope in the technological advances in VT and NH. Perhaps the last gas tanks in existence without pay at the pump were located here, it’s a miracle they even had digital numbers. However, being forced inside to pay can be good as truck stops provide a tape selection that made me wish I had a tape player. Judas Priest, Twisted Sister and Heart, just to name a few. The only really important thing to remember about Indiana though, they have pop and not soda.
Indiana came and went in the middle of the night, so I couldn’t tell you what it looks like, or any of it’s attractions, but it did manage to make a lasting impression on me in the form of a BP gas station.
1:38AM EST May 31, 2000
En Route to Des Moines, IA- The Raccoon
“Oops, I’ve never killed an animal before,”-Cindy, just moments after a raccoon bounced under the car tires at her hand. But really it wasn’t the raccoon’s fault, it ran under the car. If it had just committed to crossing the highway it would have been fine. It’s something like a half-hearted backflip. If you’re going to try it and you don’t commit, you’re going to land on your head, and if you’re a raccoon, you’re going to wind up dead. (Yes, that rhymes on purpose; I’ve got some time on my hands.)
3:07AM EST May 31, 2000
Somewhere in Illinois
“Ma’am,
I’m going to have to give you a citation, because we have a problem with
deer.”
$75 later, and an 86 in a 65 ticket in her hand, Cindy pulled back onto the highway. We were on our way- going 55 mph for the remainder of Cindy’s driving time.
4:30AM EST May 31, 2000
Iowa and the longest night of my life.
Upon the realization that the raccoon wasn’t the only thing harmed during our collision, it had removed part or my bumper as well, I suddenly became inspired to take the wheel. Of course during my attempts to sleep, I didn’t realize that there was an intense lightning storm happening, which of course worsened as soon as I got on the road. In addition to the blindingly bright flashes of light, rain was also coming down in a form that can be referred to as nothing but torrential. The only vehicles driving on I-80 at 4:00 AM are semis, all of which were flying past us despite the inclement weather, kicking up waves of water and sending the Saab into a shaking frenzy. I could also hear my loose bumper dragging along the ground, which I was sure was going to cause my front tire to blow out.
The great thing about the middle of Iowa is the total lack of civilization, and even fewer hotels. As this point I was ready to sacrifice “making good time to Denver” for a few hours in bed. Finally, I spotted a sign for an Econo Lodge in W. Liberty. I pulled across the grass excitedly, at this hour I was too lazy to find the driveway, only to find a sign which read: Sorry, No Vacancy. Well, at least they were polite. At this point a bewildered Cindy asked, “Are we lost?”
I explained the situation and considered a few more miles on Iowa City, where there had to be at least one hotel who’s employees weren’t to lazy to check in weary travelers in the middle of the night, but the I realized, the hotel had a parking lot. It was here I got two hours of bad sleep squished against the steering wheel, while enormous raindrops pounded to roof. When I awoke it was almost light and the rain had stopped, and hey, it was 6:00 AM my time. Once again we were on our way, and it looked like we’d still make it to Denver on schedule.
9:45 AM CST May 31, 2000
Nebraska
My original goal was to stop in Omaha and skate what is apparently the only skatepark in the state, but my neatly prepared skatepark directory had miraculously disappeared, so instead we bypassed Omaha all together. Nebraska quickly became my favorite state when I saw the speed limit signs, 75 MPH. Although the states we had been passing through were equally straight and flat, they had all forced us to go much slower.
Of course a few miles later I was greeted with the rude awakening of endless road work, and a realistic speed limit of 55 MPH. Since I was operating on less than 3 hours of sleep and already had 5 of driving behind me, I pulled into a rest area in York to relinquish my duties. It was here that my skateboard made its first appearance. Cindy, who had been vehemently opposed to the idea of skateboarding on the trip also go out her board and suddenly came to the realization that skateboarding is fun. Turns out it’s also funny, at least two girls falling all over themselves at a rest area seems to amuse old men. At this point it was off the Kearney, where supposedly a present was waiting for us.
12:55 PM CST May 31, 2000
Kearney, NE- The gift.
Indeed there was a gift waiting for us in Kearney (pronounced Carnie), underneath the Welcome sign there was a foam container covered with rocks. Mike Parziale and Preston Strout, two of our fellow PSC students, who had taken a cross-country voyage not long before us, had left it. The pile was covered with beetles, and was emitting quite a stench, so I let Cindy dig it out while I snapped photos. Under the rocks we found the package was adorned with a Britney Spears sticker, typically Mike. Inside was a pile of mold, two lollipops and a note, which by no means should have been touched by human hands. The note explained that our present was pizza from Chicago and also that Mike and Preston expected us to become lesbians on our trip. There was even an illustration of what it would look like. Preston didn’t seem as intent on this as Mike though, he just asked us to make out with him. So with the stench of rotten pizza in our noses and some priceless Polaroid’s, it was back to I-80 for the last stretch of our trip on this particular road.
5:00 PM MST May 31, 2000
Denver
Finally, after what seemed like weeks of driving. We reached Denver. This was where we took our first real break. Dana, my friend from high school, had been living here for two years, and he offered for us to stay at his apartment. Dirty and hot, we were both ready to take showers and get real sleep, but first we had to experience Denver. We thumbed through the paper. Cindy, in her attempt to be more like Jewel, wanted to find an open mike. I was more interested in a skatepark, but pretty soon, we both lost interest, and opted instead to loaf around at the bar Dana worked at. Not long after we sat down, Dana started bringing us drinks. I was trying to stay mellow, so I drank very slowly. Cindy, on the other hand wasn’t, and was almost done with her third drink by the time I was ordering my second. I made the mistake though, of ordering during happy hour, and soon there were multiple drinks in front of me. By that point, Cindy’s judgment was severely impaired, and she decided it would be a good idea to call an ex boyfriend who lived in Boulder. He was eager to come to Denver for what essentially was a booty call, and was soon on his way.
During the tenure of his travel, Cindy kept us all entertained. She ordered a Blow Job, a shot that you must drink without using your hands. “I’m so good at this,” she explained. She expertly put the glass in her mouth then tipped her head back. All we well and good, until her head came back down, and the drink was pouring out of her nose.
Soon her ex showed up and she disappeared for the evening. I just hoped that she’d resurface in the morning.
11:00 AM MST June 1, 2000
Arvada, CO
For
some reason everyone I talked to, told me to check out Arvada Skatepark.
This was a pretty interesting place in that it is located in the middle of
an apartment complex. It had basically no street course, and two mini ramps,
3 and 5 feet. Now I love mini ramp, so I was psyched, but here’s a lesson:
sheet metal ramps that bake in the sun all day and aren’t painted are not
a very good idea at all. Although both ramps had good transition and were
pretty smooth, but were slippery and hot. After about 30 minutes of skating
with little rollerblade kids, I was over it and ready to go elsewhere.
1:48 PM MST June 1, 2000
The Rockies
I never realized how close to sea level I live, or that if your car isn’t adjusted right it won’t operate at high altitudes, but I learned this lesson on this leg of the trip. I-70 goes straight over the Colorado Rockies, and somewhere around 9000 feet, my car basically stopped working. We were plodding along at 30 when I decided to stop. I popped the hood, and being a girl, assumed that oil was the problem. I called for help, and informed me that it was just the altitude, and I’d have to drive slowly. There went our good time to Vegas.
5:00 MST June 1, 2000
Palisades, CO
My
friend Dawn told me that I had to go to Palisades, CO on my way through.
Supposedly there was the best mini ramp there. I was a little skeptical as I
pulled off I-70 and drove for about two miles through nothing, but I kept
going. Right about then I hit the down, and there it was, on the right,
Palisades Skatepark. It was a five-foot, double-barrel mini ramp with a
six-foot extension, two roll overs, and a section with decks on either side.
It was pretty much perfect, and with the exception of being in the middle of
nowhere and sweltering hot, it was definitely the highlight of the day, but
we still had a long was to do to Vegas, our next destination, so we had to
cut our session short.
1:58 AM PST June 2, 2000
Las Vegas, NV
Vegas appeared across the desert with the glow of 1,000,000 lights. It was almost 3:00AM in the last time zone we had adjusted to, but I had faith that finding a hotel wouldn’t be a problem. Cindy seemed confused, but I think she was just tired, scary because she was driving. Vegas did not disappoint, everyone was walking around as if it was he middle of the day. I figured since we were in Vegas we might as well stay in style. We had the car valet parked and stayed at The Mirage. The guy at the front desk obviously took a shining to us, and gave us a keyed-elevator-penthouse room. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so pimp. It seems like we should have gone out in Vegas but it was already so late and we came to the realization that we were underage, and Vegas isn’t that dope if you can’t get wasted and go see strippers, so we went to bed.
In the morning I practically had to pry Cindy out of bed, but around 11:00 we were finally on our way. First though, we had to stop by West Flamingo skatepark. This park was hilarious, basically two rails, a ledge and a microscopic bank ramp. I decided rather quickly that there was nothing I could even pretend was a ramp here, so we left.
5:50 PM EST June 3, 2000
Huntington Beach, CA
After five hours of driving from Vegas we were finally here. Our first stop in California was the Blue Torch office, where I would be spending my summer. In Huntington Beach, I realized that Vermont probably won't fit into the Bro-cal way, however, after more than the originally scheduled 46 hours of driving, I was just glad to be here.
Road Trip: An old story about an old trip. Still entertaining.
Yo Beat Picture Book Club: We review Transitions and Exits. It's okay to read cause it's all pictures.
The Stringer Reports: Installment 1: Snow Summit, CA.
Winter X-Games 2001: The Red Guardian reports on the X-perience.
The Legendary Banked Slalom: History was made, Yo Beat reports poorly.
Rider Bios: Abe Teter
Killington Goes Super: Superpipe aside, new snow makes for good freeriding, but this story isn't about that.
Conspiracy Theory: This time it's personal.
There's a lump in my boot: A disturbing tale of an evil pussy and one man's first time.
Props: Giving thanks is cool, here are ours.
Pro Skater 2: The ultimate cheater's guide.
Y2K Snowboard Videos: A brief review of how to rot your mind until it snows.
Alphanumerics: A letter from a "real" extreme sports journalist.
ACG Indoor: Snow in LA. What will they think of next?
The Downfall of a Dot Com: Bluetorch bites the dust.
Britney Spears: Live in Concert: You're so jealous.
The Wildcats' Revenge: The greeks fight back.
The Stimilon Motocross Challenge and Hessian Session: Jolly Rodger in NH.
What I Do Every Day:: I’m so boring. Also, suggestions of office chair rebellion. by Rachel
Things that I Think are Lame: A heartfelt list of everything that needs to stop now.
Fun with Animation: These computer things are really amazing. See animations of Gabe Taylor & Brian Richardson.
Obligatory (not so Good) Mt. Hood Coverage: Yo Beat was there, find out who you can be too.