Windows Down, Doors Open
Death to Mike Vallely
Mike
Vallely finally answered the many requests for a follow up to the acclaimed
"Stand Strong." Actually, I'm sure no requests were made, but when
you've cashed in on skateboarding and looking to make a little more, what's a
better way than to make a documentary about yourself. Enter "Drive."
The video that if you shell out $25 for, you won't even get the chance to laugh
at its ridiculousness. (After 2 minutes of watching it, you'll be so irritated
it will banished to the shelf forever.)
But I was lucky enough to go see it on the big screen. Mike V. is currently on a tour to promote the hell of of this piece of crap. I figured, what better way to spend as Saturday night than listening to Mike Vallely refer to himself as "the bald tattooed warrior" and calling his skateboard a "paintbrush?" Hey, it was free.
The worst part of the premier was not the video itself, but the fact that Mike V. was there, looking over your shoulder, making sure none of the 17 people who showed up left in the middle of the movie. The fear of a severe beating was enough to keep everyone there.
After 51 minutes of film, 40 of which show Mike V. standing there, the rest show him soul carving and doing tricks with "plant" in the name. All the while his voiceover makes stupid analogies, tells how "skateboarding saved his life," and makes repeated contradictions. He also discusses the evils of "technical" tricks and the progression of skateboarding with the singer of Minor Threat. His 12 day tour had a "windows down, doors open" theme. Apparently, he had never ridden in a car without air conditioning before, and while in AZ, he compared himself to the football player who died from heat stroke. But the windows were down, and the doors were open (to kids, I think.)
Drive finally ended, and as the credits rolled, I prayed it was over. But no, Mike V. got up to "rap" with the audience. He continued to contradict himself, especially when some kid asked about the fight in CKY3. Vallely's answer to that question went on for 30 minutes in which he poorly impersonated the Tony Hawk tour bus driver, talked about 711 and said that he had to beat up four dudes cause "they were the ones who had been giving him shit since he was a little kid." Then he talked some more, and we plotted our exit. Finally, he said that he's over fighting, and it seemed it would be okay to leave. Unfortunately my huge posse made up the majority of the crowd so we had to leave one at a time. As it turned out, Mike V. didn't even notice us leave, being so involved in himself. Still, as I snuck out the emergency exit, my friend Mike greeted me with, "Oh good, you made it out."
Windows Down, Doors Open: And you thought you hated Mike Vallely before. Drive will prove you wrong.
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