LIFE
BEHIND THE IRON CURTAIN! (reported
from the eastern theater by YoBeat’s war correspondent David S. Bobolay)
“.....AND
THEY USED THESE EASTERN STATES AS A TYPE OF BLOCKADE A BARRIER TO HELP
PROTECT THE VAST RICHES OF THE MOTHERLAND. THIS BLOCKADE BECAME KNOWN AS AN IRON
CURTAIN, AN IMPENETRABLE WALL TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD. INHABITANTS OF THESE
EASTERN SATES WERE REGARDED AS INFERIOR AND UNIMPORTANT. THEIR TALENTS WERE
DISREGARDED AND OVERLOOKED. IGNORED BY THEIR HOMELAND AND FORGOTTEN ABOUT BY
THE REST OF THE WORLD, THESE PEOPLE BEGAN TO STRIVE HARDER TO MAKE THE
OUTSIDE WORLD STEP BACK AND TAKE NOTICE. A VAST OPULENT SOCIETY BEGAN TO
RISE UP AND FLOURISH BEHIND THIS SO CALLED CURTAIN. SOON THESE EASTERN
STATES WERE READY, READY TO STRIKE BACK AT THE HOME THAT HAD ABANDONED THEM,
AND SHOW THE WORLD JUST WHAT WAS BEHIND THE IRON CURTAIN..........”
It
seems that finally peace has come to this savage land buried deep behind
this eastern blockade, people are slowly beginning to emerge from their
winter hidings, birds are chirping, and little children are playing once
again in the lush green mountain grass. This is a stark contrast however to
the bitter and beastly nightmares that gripped this land just a short time
ago. A storm so ferocious and furious ripped through these here parts that
even old tobacco Joe whose ice fished the waters of the great Saki every day
of winter since 1908 had to call it quits. The sound of tanks and the echo
of mortars rocked these hills and valleys for what seemed like an eternity.
A battalion of young generals hungry for fame and fortune raped and pillaged
the east’s handrails early in the season. General Brian Barb along with
corporals Mathison and Flood flattened everything from Plymouth to
Manchester, meanwhile an equally grueling and devastating battle was being
waged on the Killington area by General Mutty and his crew of Syvertson,
Bayne and McDermott. These two gifted generals executed their flawless plan
to perfection when they joined forces under the command of supreme allied
commander Eric Kovall in Worcester Mass and laid waste to the sleeping city.
This
masterful plan of two grueling armies barging ahead to one final destination
was intially designed by master war criminal Carter Olcott who orchestrated
the famous battle of Jersey in late January. Essentially Carter led a
cracked commando unit that included Ross Powers, Jaime Macleod, Colin
Langlois, and Adam Petraska into the heart of Jersey. Once there the team
rendezvoused with the infamous tactical special ops unit of the Grenade
Army, which was led by generals Matt and Danny Kass. This powerhouse of
firepower cleaned out Jersey of all prize money and laid waste to all local
drinking establishments. But the battle didn’t stop there, after joining
forces Danny, Ross and Jaime infiltrated the contest circuits and began
claiming all of the prize money there as well. Corporal Flood became known
as Shane the terrible as he plowed through anything that came across his
path. With a legion of snowmobiles at his command General Franke blasted
through New Hampshire with vengeance and in one striking blow to the enemy
Franke laid claim to a monstrous gap in a secret mountain hideout. Romain
Demarchi, Ron Chiodi, Kyle Clancy, and Terje Haakonsen battled for
quartepipe supremacy. Wicked and terrible isolated battles raged all through
the spring due to the unusually grueling weather patterns. Then just
recently the battle changed fronts, the barrage of rockets and cluster bombs
finally ceased. Authorities finally were able to muster up enough of a
regiment to have a recognizance team scower the abandoned compound in
Plymouth. The only clues that were found was some writing on the wall that
said BAKER WAS HERE, a tattered Odyssey shirt, an Easter bunny mask, an a
sign with the letters KTRON. Authorities were just plain miffed but calls
for assistance have already begun flooding in from the west. Savage tales
have come out of the Mammoth area regarding what appears to be the work of
Shane the terrible, Generals Kass, Knaack, Langlois, and special agent
Diamond. Also there have been strange reports of an obnoxious spray painted
van reeking havoc, as well as several confirmed reports of a major
encampment of the eastern war criminals in the Mt. Hood area.
So what! what can
we do, how will we ever hope to catch these criminals? Well young readers it
seems that these little monsters were extremely vain. You see the rumor is
that there is a tape, a bloody glove if you will. These little buggers
recorded all of their exploits, they got together with EasternBoarder, Ride
Snowboards, Mia Snowboards, Grenade Gloves, and Eastern Edge Magazine and
they recorded everything. All of the carnage, all of the mayhem, all of the
destruction is just waiting to be viewed. Supposedly this tape will be
available at snowboard and skate shops everywhere in September so look out!
I have successfully recovered from the shrapnel I took to the
leg. I tell ya it was worse than Nam, Napalm everywhere! I will be heading
back out to the battlefield where apparently on the Hood front the war has
already begun raging full on! For god sakes if you see that Tape marked IRON
CURTAIN at your local shop buy it, tell everyone to buy it so that people
know what’s going on and this won’t happen again! If your shop doesn’t
have it make them get it! Supposedly the idiots left a number it goes to
someplace called Blue Collar Distribution and there’s a guy there named
Jaime that may know where the tape is
19784256318 Be afraid! again this is YoBeat war correspondent David S. Bobolay signing off from behind the Iron Curtain........
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