The Authoritative Guide to Being Cool

Yo Beat: Issue 11: The Cool-Guy Issue

The Authoritative Guide to Being Cool

Where were you last year? Well, you sat on your upside down Salomon board donned with a Wu Tang sticker, and drank over priced coffee creations, being very careful not to spill on your urban camo pants or yellow jacket, or maybe it was the all black stealth look, I can’t remember. You thumped and bumped to Slayer, and in many cases didn’t even own a Wu Tang CD. The Volcom sticker on your car, sport utility, of course, was so big so could barely see out of the back window, and it was surrounded by stickers from DC, Iris, Special Blend, forum and Zumiez. You were never quite sure what Zumiez was but you just knew it had to be cool. Between the stickers and your iridium lensed goggles that you never took off, you weren’t the safest driver on the road. The only videos you watched were Simple Pleasures, and that one where you could see yourself in the background at the Open. You could commonly be found drinking cheap beer at the bottom of the halfpipe and complaining about El Nino, or doing (backside) rodeo flips off sick tables in the park. You did railslides and then made sure to let everyone know how extreme you really are. Off the mountain, you could be found glued to the Playstation executing sick runs in the halfpipe on Cool Boarders 2. You talked about selling out, washing up, going under, and how much you hated Nike ads, using the work "fuck" whenever possible. You talked about back in the day, before snowboarding was trendy, and how you would never do something just because it was cool.

And what where will you be this year? We’ll for right now, you’ll stick to your bike. You’ve been motocrossing for almost a month. You never knew the contest circuit was so much like snowboarding. You even bought a motocross video, which will spend most of the season in the VCR at the snowboard shop you work at. You also play lots of golf and go fishing, but that will all soon come to a close when the snow flies, when you’ll spend a lot more time bowling. Since you wrecked your Jeep from last season, you’ll roll up to the mountain in your new VW. You will of course cover it with the Decade sticker pack so there won’t be any discrepancy over your snowboarderness. You’ll think, damn, those Okemo kids had it right, long hair was the way too go, and your shaved head will become a mass of uneven dirty hair. You’ll be stoked that you can wear DC’s when you snowboard, because rocking your sneakers around the bottom of the pipe always left your poor feet chilly. You won’t have to spend so much time at the pipe though, sure, you’ll be brushing up so maybe you can win that $25,000 at the Open this year, but you’ll spend a lot more time downtown piling snow infront of any rail you can find in hopes that you’ll be the next cover of Transworld. As for the Open, you’re not even sure you’ll go, it’s gotten so commercial, and the judging sucks. After much discussion, you’ll end up there, and pay your $50 for prequals, and never have a chance, but hey, you got your name on the shirt again. You’ll spend most of your time in the half pipe trying to learn double backflips, but you’ll most likely end up devoting time to trying to land that beer sponsor. Unfortunately, your board sponsor went under last season, so you’ll have to go out and buy a Balance. Luckily, you’re goggle sponsor is still going strong, and they hooked you up phat with flouresent Motos. Which is good, because you’re going to devote all your time to finding a motocross sponsor anyway. You’ll still rock bright colors when you ride, yellow will never go out of style, and you won’t own a pair of pants that aren’t cargos, but off the hill you’ll be found wearing nothing but white T-shirts and Dickies. Since going vegetarian is all the rage, you’ll no longer eat flesh, but you’ll still drink a lot of beer. Well, I guess something’s never go out of fashion. As for music, your mom just bought you a turn table, and you’ll be a techno nerd. You’ll still complain about selling out, going under and washing up, but at least now you’ll have your bike.

-Brooke Geery

How to Meet a Pro

Unlike most sports, professional snowboarders have nowhere to partake in their profession than on the same hills as everyone else. This makes them easy targets for masses of little kids to bombard with autograph requests and questions like, "Can you get me a free board." Still, some of us are such social rejects that we can't even meet our favorite pro rider on the hill. This is for you.

1. Since pros aren't really famous, (they get their name in a snowboard magazine for a few years and then disappear), they are usually listed in the phone book. The world wide web provides the white pages or everywhere in the world, so figure out where your pro lives and look them up.

2. Call them, pretending to work for a magazine, and arrange an interview time. This may require a costly plane ticket or a stalker charge, but it will all be worth it when you are sitting on the couch next to an alterna super star.

3. Bring drugs and/or alcohol. Depending on the pro, this will get you in good, and they might even forget that you tricked them into wasting their free time with you. If not, just get them drunk.

4. Ask the pro if you can party with them, afterall, pros have pro friends. This is your key to being "down" on the pro circuit. If you need help talking to people, a very expensive video camera is always a good tool, and you can pretend that you are filming for the next Mack Dawg video.

If all these steps are performed correctly, you will have more names to drop at the next meeting of Pro Stalkers Anonymous than any of your friends, and that'll make you cool.