If I Was a Girl...

"If I was a girl, I’d be making so much money." No, if you were a girl, you’d probably suck worse than you do now. It seems like every guy in the industry thinks it is some sort of injustice that the level of female riding is below the male, making it so much easier to succeed as a girl snowboarder. This is so far from the truth, and I feel it is about time someone explained to the vastly male snowboard population, exactly what it means to be female, and a snowboarder.

Of course, generalizing that all girls who snowboard are the same. That’s kinda of like saying, all guys who snowboard have goatees, or wear chain wallets. There are several different types of girls. 1) The "I only snowboard because there are lots of cute boys" type, 2) the "I do every other sport so I might as well snowboard, girl power" type, 3) the "I am not good for a girl, you jerk" type, and 4) the "I snowboard cause it’s fun and I like it" type. Some of these girls, namely the first ones, give female snowboarders a bad name. They are the ones in chat rooms who type in things like "Any hot snowboarder guys IM me, snowboard chick." They are also the ones that spell skate with an 8, but we won’t even get into skateboarding. These girls don’t care that guys think that a girl can’t possibly be good at snowboarding. These girls are what’s wrong with snowboarding.

With that type, who I hate, accounted for, I can now discuss what it’s actually like to be a girl who snowboards. I’m not pro, but I get my share of free stuff. This has nothing to do with who I’ve slept with, contrary to popular belief, sleeping around doesn’t get you sponsored. You might get a board from the pro your banging, but very few companies are going to put you on their team just because you slept with the team manager. This is perhaps the most annoying misconception held by most guys. Trust me, if a girl answers the question "How did you get sponsored" with "I sucked the right person’s dick" you can rest assured, she’s kidding.

I find most girls keep in good humor about these cliched jokes, even though none were very funny to begin with. I know I try to pretend I’m not annoyed when I guy says something along the lines of, "I think I’ll wear a skirt and a wig and enter this contest as a girl." First of all, so many girls wear skirts snowboarding, but if a guy was actually so bad that he’d think that entering a girl’s competition was the only way he could win, than I think he should go for it. What he’d find out, is that when he started spinning, or flipping, or whatever trick he decided to do, the other girls would step up as well. I also believe that a guy in girl’s big air contest wouldn’t do the hardest trick he knew. Why bother, if the next best person in the competition can’t spin more than a 360, why would you. It is this mentality that regulates the tricks you’ll see in a contest. If I can win doing a method, why would I bother spinning. The same thinking goes into male competitions, whether they’ll admit it or not.

There are more reasons than just not having to do super hard tricks that create the spread between the levels of male a female riding. There is of course, the physical aspect. If I had a massive amount of testosterone running through my veins I’d be willing to huck myself in compromising positions from a jump. I instead have estrogen, a hormone that makes me think about stuff before I do it. Also, our bodies aren’t the same as guys (duh). We have less muscle, and accordingly, less strength, which, believe it or not, plays a role in how big you go in the pipe.

Enough about why girls aren’t as good (don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying girls suck). There’s a lot more that goes along with the mentality of female snowboarders that makes the sport completely different for us. You enter a contest as a girl, and you are one of 5 people. You enter as a guy, and you’re one of 100. Sure, a girl’s odds of placing top 5 are a little better, but because there are so few people competing, you find yourself talking to everyone. Ever notice how girls are always so friendly to each other in competitions? That’s part of our nature, because there are so few of us, we have to stick together, but it’s a double edged sword. When a girl falls, another girl might come up to her and say "Great run, nobody else is sticking anything either," but what she’s really thinking is, "One down, three to go." The female competition scene is just like the popular table at lunch. They’ll be your best friend when you around, but as soon as you leave, they trash what you’re wearing. This sucks.

When there’s 99 other people in the contest, you don’t bother to try to be nice to everyone and it doesn’t matter if one person falls. When there’s such a big number of competitors, you have to just focus on your own riding, and you generally end up riding better because of it. It seems like girls could just focus on their own riding too, but once again, part of having estrogen is paying close attention to what everyone else is doing. When girls go out, they dress for other girls, not for guys, and it’s the same thing in snowboarding.

Other things that suck: Girls get paid less. We have $40,000 for male first place, and $6,000 for female. Sure, you probably could be pro if you were a girl, but you’d be making $10,000 a year instead of $20,000. Not so inviting any more, huh? Girl’s clothing lines are always pink. Who wants to wear pink, or anything that has tulips or ducks as the logo. What are we, six years old? Female specific magazines. Have you ever tried to read Fresh and Tasty or Conde Nast, Sports for Women? Oh look, it’s another tindy. While it seems like a good idea, being force-fed female empowerment through a magazine with a pink cover isn’t my idea of enlightenment.

Girls have fought since the beginning to be recognized as equals in the snowboard industry. Just a few short years ago, girls weren’t even allowed to do big air contests. I might hate Tina Basich and Shannon Dunn, because of my bitter resentment, brought on by being a girl, but those two, along with Michelle Taggart have done more for female snowboarding than anyone else. If Tina ever learns to do her 720’s with style, I might even respect her riding, rather than just what she’s done. They snaked big air contests and started clothing lines with for girls who do more than just sit on top of their boards. I support this even if I don’t always like they way they did it.

Basically, the point of this little rant is to let all the males who think if they were born with a different set of organs, they’d be superstars, that being a girl isn’t that easy. It may be a different set of dilemmas that females face, but trust, me, you couldn’t deal with it for a minute. If nothing else, I hope this article inspires you to never again utter the phrase, "If I was girl..."