Walking the Diamond Run: A Trip to the Mawl
by Brooke Geery
What do those totally hip do on any given day in Rutland? Why they go to the mall, of course. With ten whole stores, including an over priced record store and the Gap, where else could you have so much fun in one place. As a self proclaimed local, I know all the secrets of The Diamond Run Mall shopping. The sickest thing about Rutland is that this pathetic mall actually put the "old mall" out of business.
I started my day with a look around the Gap (the only real store in the whole place),
shopping alone, as I have no friends. When I realized that making purchases was going to
require the actual spending of money, I decided it was time to call in
reinforcements.
(ACTUAL CONVERSATION)
Me: "Yo, What are you doing?"
My Mom: "Nothing."
Me: "Wanna go shopping?"
My Mom: "Where?"
Me: "The mawl." (Said with a full on Strong Island accent, so she'd understand.)
She said she would meet me in the food court in ten minutes, interesting, because we
live 20 minutes away, plus prep time for my nine year old sister, I assumed I'd see her in
a half hour. I started to wander around the fine establishment, when my first truly
exciting experience occurred. The absolute dirtiest, nastiest guy walks by, shooting me
the hairy eye.
Dirty Guy: "Hey Baby, what are you doing?"
Me: (Look the other way, walk faster.)
After my encounter with the huge Rutland stud, I ran to visit Monty at his place of
employment and tell him of my corroboration with the locals. He seemed utterly thrilled,
and as I could tell he was doing absolutely nothing, with none of the 20 or so customers
in the entire mall in the store, so I left to go watch for hunnies in the food court and
wait for the checkbook. On my way back, I was fortunate enough to pass my admirer again.
Dirty Guy: "You must be following me."
Me: (Look at the ground, pretend you are in a real mall.)
I took a seat at undoubtedly the only table to have been used in the food court, as with the 40 or so tables, only 2 or 3 are ever utilized, so I guess that the mall staff has decided against cleaning them. For future issues, we're actually going to put in a people counter at each table in the food court. We're betting that at least twenty-seven of the tables have never been graced by human contact. I glanced at the large selection of food, Sbarro or Orientaste. Good thing I wasn't hungry. I sat next to a large woman at the next table, until she became disguisted by my "loser aura" and left. I watched the main mall entrance for hunnies, only to be disappointed by wanna-be hippies, Goth kids and "skaters."
I witnessed the most ghetto little kid ever, his ten year old body decked out in huge
jeans, x-large t-shirt, chain wallet, and backwards Nike hat. He high-tailed it directly
to the little kiddie rides, and pumped quarters into each one, then walked away. Soon
after a girl from my school, one who I occasionally talked to, walked in with her little
brother. I almost summoned up the desire to talk to her, but instead decided on hiding my
face so she wouldn't see me.
Soon after my mom decided to show and we were on our way shopping. First stop was the
Gap to support child labor, and then to the hippie store, where I picked up the Wu Tang
poster I had been eyeing. Then my little sister, pulling out some serious allowance
ducketts, went to the electronics store for a Playstation game. I found the illest
computer program, Cosmopolitan's Instant Make Over, but as it would have cost me money,
I opted against the purchase of this fine merchandise. I then went to JC Penney,
where I was not surprised by the complete lack of anything I wanted. Next I made my way
down to the Sear's lingerie section, as Victoria's Secret has far too much class for me.
This is where the true highlight of my trip occurred. The old lady, who obviously had made
a career of the lingerie section checkout, joked with my sister about underwear.
At this point, it became apparent that I was about to miss Degrassi, so I rushed to
pick on Monty one last time, and brag about getting my mom to buy me stuff, before exiting
through the door that said, "Emergency Exit: Alarm Will Sound." The alarm, of
course, did not sound, and so ends my exciting day at the mall.