A Trip to the Movies
with Brooke Geery
I have a bone to pick with the fine people of Hollywood and the concept of Summer
Blockbusters. With a trip to the movies being one of the four possible activities in the
great Rutvegas, the other three being bowling, drinking, and smoking, the Movieplex gets
quite a bit of play in my social calendar.
There are five apparent categories for movies. Dramatic Destruction (Deep Impact,
Godzilla, Volcano), Romantic Destruction(Hope Floats, Six Days, Seven Nights, The Object
of My Affection), Alien Destruction(Independence Day, Species 2, Men In Black), Comedic
Destruction (Dirty Work, Nobody's Heroes, Liar Liar), High School Horror/Soft Porn(Scream,
I Know What You Did Last Summer, Can't Hardly Wait). While I am all for entertainment
through destruction, it's time to find a new angle. Also, why is someone who will never
get naked like Neve Campbell, and sucks anyway, in a soft porn like Wild Things. Not only
is Hollywood confused, they are stupid too.
A movie is not a blockbuster before it comes out. This has bothered me since I was old
enough to think. The best example of how hype doesn't help is the Kevin Costner classic
"Waterworld". Don't worry if you never saw it, neither did I, or anyone else for
that matter. This movie was certainly advertised as a movie of the decade of the week, but
then hey, it sucked. If it even came close to breaking even it's a miracle. I have
deciphered the system for deciding a movie's blockbuster potential. Take the cost
multiplied by the hype and then advertise it as a blockbuster no matter what the total.
Another system that seems to work is come out with a catchy gimmick like releasing
"Independence Day" on 4th of July weekend, pure movie brilliance.
I am sick of seeing NYC blown up, trampled, invaded or otherwise destroyed. Every movie
that featured destruction with the exception of a few volcano movies, has centered on New
York. I think Hollywood should start working together to show the previous destruction of
other movies, so when Armageddon happens, New York should already be washed out by a tidal
wave, have holes in all the buildings, and have been blown up by aliens. I think a truly
good movie would blow up New Jersey, Iowa, or maybe Florida.
Godzilla. The special effects were cool, and I actually didn't fall
asleep, but I can't like this film on principle alone. First of all, it's not exactly an
original concept, and then the writers changed the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park into a
different type of big lizard, added some nuclear weapons and big buildings, and released
it as a movie of the decade of the week. Then they had to make Godzilla paraphernalia, and
work the plot into every commercial, get Sprint, Taco Bell and Kodak to advertise it while
advertising themselves. Also, Matthew Broderick should still be making Ferris Beuller the
TV show, because that was the last time he was good in a movie. All this aside however,
the worst part of the movie was definitely the Puff Daddy song. I know every other genre's
already played out, but rap and rock still don't mix.
Titanic. First of all, this is not a summer blockbuster, but since
they refuse to take it out of theaters I'm reviewing it as one anyway. I don't like
Titanic for a few reasons. 1) Leonardo Dicaprio. He should continue to act in quality
films like What's Eating Gilbert Grape and The Basketball Diaries so I don't have to see
his face on the cover of every teenybopper magazine. 2) The Plot. You know the ship is
going to sink, you know that Leonardo Dicaprio gets on, and you know Kate Winslet lives.
Where is the suspense in that? I am also irritated with anyone whose seen this movie more
than twice. I would be bothered by people who've seen it twice, but I found myself in the
theater for a second enthralling Titanic experience. All in all, this movie beats out
Godzilla with a Celine Dion song.
The Truman Show. The official movie of the decade of the week, Jim
Carrey was so inappropriate. When I see a Jim Carrey movie, I expect him to talk out of
his ass, and deliver a series of humorous catch phrases with wit and charm. I was
entertained by The Truman Show, but it was interlay disappointing. An active movie viewer
could easily determine the ending from the previews, however it was a sadly true
commentary on today's society. In closing, Movies should not be allowed to get good
reviews so I can go see them when I want, not have to wait to avoid full theaters, and I'm
not let down.
Deep Impact & Armageddon. I figure I can review these two
together. There are two main similarities. I've didn't see either, and they have the same
plot. The only real difference I can see is in the positive female roles. In Deep Impact
she's blond, in Armageddon she's a brunette. In the future, lets limit it to one comet
(volcano, alien, lizard) movie a year.
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. I only have one thing to say. If a
book is considered unfilmable, don't make a movie of it. Read the book.
Hope Floats. I didn't see this one either, but I did see a review of
it, so I'm basing my opinion on that. It sucked. Sandra Bullock sucks. The little girl is
ugly.
Can't Hardly Wait. This movie was just like my high school graduation party, that is, if my class would all actually go to one party and I went to a totally different school. The basic idea behind this "name that T.G.I.F. star showcase" was focus on six people who spent four years together, but don't actually know each other. This movie was filled with witty one liners, drunken stupidity, perfectly executed stereotypes, and a nerd singing along with "Welcome to the Jungle." I think this would have been the first movie I fully enjoyed this summer, but they had to go and cast Jennifer Love Hewitt. This girl is not only annoying, but she played an annoying girl in the movie. This movie is perfect of you don't care to think, and still want to know the entire plot before it happens, because it is slightly predictable.
The X Files: Fight the Future. In big cities, (okay, Albany) tickets went on sale days in advance. In RutVegas it didn't even sell out opening night. Still, the enjoyable crowd of nerdy characters telling bad jokes and laughing hysterically at them was entertainment enough for me. As for the movie, it was basically a long episode of the show. The script cleverly incorporated a summary of the plot of the series for the two people who will go see this movie that aren't X Files junkies. It had some special effects, and little boys with funny accents. My favorite part of this movie is that I found a shirt in the movie theater, too bad it wasn't a "The Truth is Out There" t-shirt.
There's Something About Mary. From the "geniuses" who brought you classics like "Dumb and Dumber" and "Kingpin" comes an all new film filled with classic penis humor. This was presumably the crudest movie of the summer, however, this time, it was actually funny. The basic underlying plot of this movie was that everyone was in love with the same, beautiful girl. There's an original concept. This movie contained plenty of potty humor and good visuals, and it brought all new meaning to the pick up line "Excuse me, is that semen in your hair?"
