“Wait. Would it be weird to sit here and listen to a CD together?” -Olivia and I have a ongoing list of brilliant ideas in my phone which we add to as needed. This week’s addition reads “Saunas with weed, but NOT hot.” -We are watching this week’s episode of Millionaire Matchmaker. One of the [...]

“I don’t mean Geometry. I mean in terms of actual sadness.” -Olivia is discussing either UPS or the USPS and is unclear which she is referring to until I ask her. I then sort of simply yet brilliantly suggest, “UPS and the USPS should just collab and call it a day.” -Olivia informs me that [...]

Sarah’s friends made her go to Vegas today. Since “planning ahead” isn’t in her job description, I am writing Best Week Ever this week. Sorry. -Sarah’s brother has taken to leaving random and not very nice comments on all of Sarah’s friends’ social networking profiles. Now I should specify they are not nasty towards the [...]

“Make sure no one tries to touch Melissa and Sarah! They don’t have feelings!” -My phone is about to die while out and about in Austin. I opt to make a list of what at the time I deemed important phone numbers in case my phone completely turned off.  Jessica looks at my list and [...]

“It’s always so much better when your week isn’t you sitting around smoking weed and watching Tyra.” -We go downtown to these fashion shows for some sort of LA fashion week. I get a press pass and am issued into a line with other press types. We are set to go into the show first [...]

“See, I am living off the grid!” -Melissa begins telling an amazing story about a friend of mine who is sort of hilarious/slightly insane. Somewhere towards the end of said story Melissa asks Olivia if she has met said girl. Olivia has not. Melissa then reiterates how insane the girl is. Olivia sort of shrugs, [...]

“You are really good at kidding!” -We are watching the enthralling season premiere of Tyra’s other show, America’s Next Top Model. Tyra name drops Paulina Porizkova at some point and homegirl rolls onto the screen. Sally points at the television and excitedly announces that she is her favorite model.  Olivia attempts to quickly correct her, [...]

“Sorry I am not usually this nice. I just really like people when I am drunk.” -I cancel on a boy one night this week. He is annoyed. In retaliation, he informs me he is way too busy the rest of the week to possibly hang out. The following evening, I read some girl’s Twitter [...]

“Does he like TV?” -We are stopped at a light on Sunset in front of that giant oil change place called EZ Lube. Olivia points at the building and announces, “That was my nickname in high school.”  I begin to try to empathize with her, when she interrupts me to tell me she was kidding. [...]

“I really wish the Peach Pit was real.” -After the third or so commercial for some mattress company and it’s upcoming Presidents’ Day sale, I turn to Erika and remark, “It’s weird that Presidents and mattresses go hand in hand.” -Olivia and I decide to go to the beach last night just to go I [...]

“This is like Follow That Bird!” -The vehicle I drive is standard. It is having some mechanical issues and my father is convinced they are all my fault. He begins explaining how fast I should be going to shift into each gear. I don’t really buy the whole thing and am attempting to wrap up [...]

“Babies are probably cheaper.” -I am attempting to eat ice cream one evening, when I start shaking, pass out, and and hit my head of the kitchen floor. I wake up confused and disoriented. It gets worse the next day and even worse as the week goes on. I am tired, dizzy, and can’t think [...]

“If you were a fly people would be trying to kill you all day long.” -I find myself re-telling Lloyd that story about that crazy retarded roommate kid I lived with early summer who went through my belongings and emailed Olivia about anal sex a bunch. Lloyd enjoyed the full story. He then supportively added, [...]

“Everyone is so much funnier when they are hung-over.” -After some reshuffling of the staff at Missbehave and some new job titles, I find myself a little confused. I decide to inquire what exactly everyone is doing these days.  Maude gives me a rundown of the nature of her job and explains that in reality [...]

-Some girl writes me on Myspace insisting I have my own reality show. I acknowledge that it would be good television. I inform her that I have no idea how to acquire a reality show. I go, “What if I just show up in Times Square at TRL with “I heart Carson Daly’ posters?’ I’ll [...]